Giving Up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Giving Up
I had to go to the emergency room for a concussion, and it turned into a huge mess because the nurse and doctor saw I had been cutting. I was afraid of being sent to an inpatient facility, and my husband was losing his mind scared at going through what we went through last time I was inpatient. I was able to get discharged, but have to do an outpatient thing. So no work, FMLA, total disruption of our lives, but at least I'm not abandoning my husband and kids.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I'm so sorry for your situation.
I don't know enough about cutting to offer any kind of advice but just want to send you some encouragement.
If you know you can stop for a while, hopefully you will be able to build a foundation on that and find the courage to stop forever.
Your life IS your own.
I hope you find peace and relief soon.
I don't know enough about cutting to offer any kind of advice but just want to send you some encouragement.
If you know you can stop for a while, hopefully you will be able to build a foundation on that and find the courage to stop forever.
Your life IS your own.
I hope you find peace and relief soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm sorry you ran up against some people who obviously didn't have a lot of experience with cutters or cutting, Gal220.
I see a lot of parallels between cutting and alcohol addiction so even tho I'm not a cutter I know that you, like me, is just someone trying to get through things best they can.
Don't let someone else's ignorance demonize you.
I know you'll find support and understanding here.
D
I see a lot of parallels between cutting and alcohol addiction so even tho I'm not a cutter I know that you, like me, is just someone trying to get through things best they can.
Don't let someone else's ignorance demonize you.
I know you'll find support and understanding here.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Gal220 
I had to go to the emergency room for a concussion, and it turned into a huge mess because the nurse and doctor saw I had been cutting. I was afraid of being sent to an inpatient facility, and my husband was losing his mind scared at going through what we went through last time I was inpatient. I was able to get discharged, but have to do an outpatient thing. So no work, FMLA, total disruption of our lives, but at least I'm not abandoning my husband and kids.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Gal220
I had to go to the emergency room for a concussion, and it turned into a huge mess because the nurse and doctor saw I had been cutting. I was afraid of being sent to an inpatient facility, and my husband was losing his mind scared at going through what we went through last time I was inpatient. I was able to get discharged, but have to do an outpatient thing. So no work, FMLA, total disruption of our lives, but at least I'm not abandoning my husband and kids.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Anyway, today was my first day. I saw the NP who comes once a week to do meds. He asked how long I'd been cutting. I said off and on for 20 years. His reaction was so demoralizing. He just said wow, but the look on his face was . . . I don't even know.
First of all, I am appalled I can even say I've been doing anything for 20 years, lol. So saying that out loud made me feel really old! But mostly I just feel defeated and pathetic. My husband is upset I've been hiding this from him, and that I would threaten our way of life with behaviors that could get me committed. When I had to tell him, his immediate reaction was a whole lot of cussing and then the biting comment of, "Why don't you think of your kids? You can't do this anymore; you have a family."
As if I didn't know that! I hate everything about myself, but mostly that I can't just be a normal, good mom to them. I hate that I am suicidal, because that would be selfish and hurt them. I cut myself because it DOESN'T effect them. I am sober. I am here doing my best. And I'm just trying to make it through from one day to the next. I'm trying my best to not let my insanity impact them, knowing full well that I will fail.
So I'm just feeling all around hopeless. I know I can stop cutting for a while. I might even feel better for a few months, maybe even a year or two. But then the despair will be back. It will always return. But I have to find a way to get through, fake it, for the sake of my husband and kids. I have responsibilities, and my life is not my own.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
[QUOidTE=KTB5000;7332080]You are not defeated or pathetic. May God bless you. Praying for u.[/QUOTE]
If it makes any difference . I do not cut, but I do pick, to my own detriment. And my boyfriend HATES IT! Dont feel bad, you okay. Promise.
If it makes any difference . I do not cut, but I do pick, to my own detriment. And my boyfriend HATES IT! Dont feel bad, you okay. Promise.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
No, not pathetic. Cutting, booze- maybe we do such things to maintain some semblance of control of ourselves, when everything else seems so set in stone. Can you see a professional- to honestly unpack your emotions? Remember that sobriety does not cure our mindset- our emotions and they need different strategies and support to heal. My support to you, Gal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
I just wanted to thank everyone for their support. I've been "clean" from cutting for 41 days now. I'm still in intensive outpatient therapy, but should return to work in about a week. I've been going to AA meetings every day, have a new sponsor, and am working on doing my steps again. I'm perhaps not exactly hopeful about the future, but I suppose cautiously optimistic. I still have a lot I'm trying to figure out.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Gal, I love reading progress reports like that. In some ways I think many of us, even with long-term sobriety, are still trying to "just figure it out". Well done on your sober time!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 56
Gal, I'd like to share with you what really helped me come out of my mental illness and let go of my addiction. Maybe you can apply these ideas I am about to tell you in your life. The 2 things that enabled me to do this: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.
Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.
Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.
And if you don't feel drawn to do the things that worked for me, I firmly believe that doing one or a couple of things OBSESSIVELY whatever that may be, with the goal of improving your mental illness, will take you out of it. It only requires ACTION (that is the key).
Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.
Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.
And if you don't feel drawn to do the things that worked for me, I firmly believe that doing one or a couple of things OBSESSIVELY whatever that may be, with the goal of improving your mental illness, will take you out of it. It only requires ACTION (that is the key).
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