Dealing with Bipolar
I just want to reach out to other people with bipolar disorder. I'm lost on a vicious cycle and can't seem to find my rock bottom. I lost my job yesterday due to an incident caused by my drinking. I was using during work and fainted. I had to be taken away in an ambulance and was handcuffed because I refused to go. This is the second time this month I was taken to the ER.
I feel like such a loser. I'm on this vicious cycle of drinking, and then feeling so horrible about myself for my inability to stop. I have been black out drunk for half of my existence for the last 5 years. I had such ambitious plans for my life. I can do professional level art work, I do nothing about seriously pursuing this goal for the last 20 years. I wanted to live overseas and get a masters degree. Instead I have been asleep for years, and my life has passed me by.
I have gained 60 pounds (I'm a female), from all the additional alcohol calories and my basic self esteem about my physical appearance is destroyed. I don't take care of myself, so my bipolar disorder is constantly out of control. I lost my insurance now, because I've been fired and don't know what I'll do about meds. I'll have to look for a job while I'm all wacked out.
I have one friend and have totally given up on finding anyone who will love me. I have ditched all of my family so I can drink in peace. I have no one and sit alone in my apt all day drinking and watching T.V. When people see my face, they can see something is strange about me, and reject me.
Thanks if you read this whole thing, I'm just really sad and needed to vent.