Bpd
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Indianapolis IN
Posts: 6
Bpd
A thought for today. I will not hurt myself today. I will not engage in destructive behaviors today.
I have been in therapy for 18 months and still struggling with overwhelming depression. I sit and cry over any little thing. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to make decisions that will not only affect me but will have consequences that I haven't thought of.
It would appear that BPD affects every aspect of my life. I find myself unable to leave the house some days. I have self imposed isolation. My partner has made it so that one friend I have had for over 20 years won't call any longer fearing that she will answer the phone.
I would accept any and all help/guidance that is out there. Thanks for letting me vent
I have been in therapy for 18 months and still struggling with overwhelming depression. I sit and cry over any little thing. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to make decisions that will not only affect me but will have consequences that I haven't thought of.
It would appear that BPD affects every aspect of my life. I find myself unable to leave the house some days. I have self imposed isolation. My partner has made it so that one friend I have had for over 20 years won't call any longer fearing that she will answer the phone.
I would accept any and all help/guidance that is out there. Thanks for letting me vent
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by ktgirl 
A thought for today. I will not hurt myself today. I will not engage in destructive behaviors today.
I have been in therapy for 18 months and still struggling with overwhelming depression. I sit and cry over any little thing. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to make decisions that will not only affect me but will have consequences that I haven't thought of.
It would appear that BPD affects every aspect of my life. I find myself unable to leave the house some days. I have self imposed isolation. My partner has made it so that one friend I have had for over 20 years won't call any longer fearing that she will answer the phone.
I would accept any and all help/guidance that is out there. Thanks for letting me vent
I have been in therapy for 18 months and still struggling with overwhelming depression. I sit and cry over any little thing. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to make decisions that will not only affect me but will have consequences that I haven't thought of.
It would appear that BPD affects every aspect of my life. I find myself unable to leave the house some days. I have self imposed isolation. My partner has made it so that one friend I have had for over 20 years won't call any longer fearing that she will answer the phone.
I would accept any and all help/guidance that is out there. Thanks for letting me vent
Best luck to you...you are not alone .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Indianapolis IN
Posts: 6
So depressed hard to see a way out. The only out leaves family behind questioning themselves. Not an option. I want to be better, willing to do the work, but I still am questioning why.I need help in the worst way
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,753
Past depressions made me, at times, zomby like, and too sick feeling to even seek medical attention.
Have you tried cognitive therapy using acronyms. It helped me a fair deal but if a relationship is absolutely intolerable breaking free may be the only realistic answer.
This is, of course,very difficult with severe depression.
Sorry I cant be of much sound help, and good luck.
Have you tried cognitive therapy using acronyms. It helped me a fair deal but if a relationship is absolutely intolerable breaking free may be the only realistic answer.
This is, of course,very difficult with severe depression.
Sorry I cant be of much sound help, and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
ah, I am sorry I did not see this sooner! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) This part of the forum can be sort of slow.
I wonder what you mean when you say you will not engage in any destructive behaviors today?
No that final option is not an option, tho I have set with it in my mind and heart weighing heavy for very long periods of time. Using all the little energy I had to say no to it.
About a year ago I journaled it out here and it was very long but I later asked to have it removed.
Personally I think being in an abusive relationship simply tears apart any progress made in therapy. I know it shredded me and turned me into someone I was not.
I can't be fighting everything on all fronts all the time.
I really have to keep my life peaceful which has meant removing chaotic and/or hurtful people. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I really loved that person so very, very much...but it destroyed me. I left and went back like a revolving door until I put so many miles between us that I could not do that to myself anymore. It wasn't just that I couldn't trust him, I couldn't trust me to save myself.
It has taken me ages to come to terms with the emotional abuse. The book that spoke to me best at first was "No Visible Wounds" by Alice Walker. It blew my mind! So many little things that I thought were unique or could not be intentional...told by the stories of other women and the same tactics and maneuvers. wow. My situation was not as unique as I thought it was. It wasn't an accident when he picked fights with me and when he kept me from sleeping when I most needed it. all sorts of things wove into an overall picture of my life! and yes, the isolation...loss of friendships, closing me in, shutting down my options. you never get to see the forest for the trees when you are always putting out or avoiding fires. My self esteem was shattered, I couldn't think straight. even with some great domestic violence counseling..some of the best counseling I have ever had. I still gave up and gave in.
There was no time or space to work on my own psychological issues (bipolar, which I only knew I had depression and anxiety at the time)..he took up all my space. And then he could be perfect and loving and nurture me after he had beat me down.
I have followed his story from a distance. He hasn't changed and he will never. There have just been a succession of new victims.
I have been around this part of the forum for years but not posted here much for a long time.
But most of us I think, do need to continually work our therapy and be uber aware of our illness, our fragile places, negotiating the twists and turns like a river rapids ride.
Depression is so deadening. It robs us, the lethargy makes it hard to believe in and get help. It taunts with a misery that takes over everything with nowhere to hide. I didn't have any energy left to fight it or belief that I was worth it. No hope left. But I am relatively free of depression now and am grateful beyond words for that anew each day.
It took far too long. FAR TOO LONG! I quit believing in pdrs and therapists and then found good ones, they have saved my life. I will cry if I think about how sick I was and for how long. and I don't want to do that, so I am going to focus on my reprieve and try to build on it in itty bitty baby steps. It's all I know to do. I care so much about you and I hope you find some reprieve and believe you will, even if you don't, I will believe for you.
love,
T.
I wonder what you mean when you say you will not engage in any destructive behaviors today?
No that final option is not an option, tho I have set with it in my mind and heart weighing heavy for very long periods of time. Using all the little energy I had to say no to it.
About a year ago I journaled it out here and it was very long but I later asked to have it removed.
Personally I think being in an abusive relationship simply tears apart any progress made in therapy. I know it shredded me and turned me into someone I was not.
I can't be fighting everything on all fronts all the time.
I really have to keep my life peaceful which has meant removing chaotic and/or hurtful people. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I really loved that person so very, very much...but it destroyed me. I left and went back like a revolving door until I put so many miles between us that I could not do that to myself anymore. It wasn't just that I couldn't trust him, I couldn't trust me to save myself.
It has taken me ages to come to terms with the emotional abuse. The book that spoke to me best at first was "No Visible Wounds" by Alice Walker. It blew my mind! So many little things that I thought were unique or could not be intentional...told by the stories of other women and the same tactics and maneuvers. wow. My situation was not as unique as I thought it was. It wasn't an accident when he picked fights with me and when he kept me from sleeping when I most needed it. all sorts of things wove into an overall picture of my life! and yes, the isolation...loss of friendships, closing me in, shutting down my options. you never get to see the forest for the trees when you are always putting out or avoiding fires. My self esteem was shattered, I couldn't think straight. even with some great domestic violence counseling..some of the best counseling I have ever had. I still gave up and gave in.
There was no time or space to work on my own psychological issues (bipolar, which I only knew I had depression and anxiety at the time)..he took up all my space. And then he could be perfect and loving and nurture me after he had beat me down.
I have followed his story from a distance. He hasn't changed and he will never. There have just been a succession of new victims.
I have been around this part of the forum for years but not posted here much for a long time.
But most of us I think, do need to continually work our therapy and be uber aware of our illness, our fragile places, negotiating the twists and turns like a river rapids ride.
Depression is so deadening. It robs us, the lethargy makes it hard to believe in and get help. It taunts with a misery that takes over everything with nowhere to hide. I didn't have any energy left to fight it or belief that I was worth it. No hope left. But I am relatively free of depression now and am grateful beyond words for that anew each day.
It took far too long. FAR TOO LONG! I quit believing in pdrs and therapists and then found good ones, they have saved my life. I will cry if I think about how sick I was and for how long. and I don't want to do that, so I am going to focus on my reprieve and try to build on it in itty bitty baby steps. It's all I know to do. I care so much about you and I hope you find some reprieve and believe you will, even if you don't, I will believe for you.
love,
T.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hi ktgirl, I'm sorry you're struggling. I found the following on the lambda.org website. You might want to check there for further information. I hope it helps.
Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships Partner battering and abuse in Queer relationships:
Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women (25%). As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards queers, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.
In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:
No one deserves to be abused.
Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.
Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:
In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.
Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address
abusive GLBT relationships. A Queer individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.
Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique:
It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.
Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.
Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported.
The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.
Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.
Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.
Lesbians, bisexuals and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.
The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.
Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships Partner battering and abuse in Queer relationships:
Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women (25%). As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards queers, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.
In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:
No one deserves to be abused.
Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.
Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:
In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.
Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address
abusive GLBT relationships. A Queer individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.
Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique:
It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.
Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.
Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported.
The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.
Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.
Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.
Lesbians, bisexuals and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.
The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Have you talked to your therapist about seeing a psychiarist and going on anti-depressant medication? We tried talk but I was still unable to function. After the medication kicked it I became a fully functioning person. I still had emotions, but nothing so bad I couldn't deal with them. They saved my life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Indianapolis IN
Posts: 6
Same issues, different day. On the upside I rescued a very small dog from the snow/ice/wind a few days ago. He has given me some purpose to wake up, he is always sweet and a joy to care for. Probably have some co-dependence issues there...one illness at a time. maybe go to church tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
flying under the radar here....i really meant it when I said to you that I thought hormones were a rough ride at our age and who we are with is a huge factor.
For me, I have to walk the tightrope to keep my brain chemicals steady.
Perimenopause was a really rough ride for me...hormones are hell!
I think we are more vulnerable at that time, so yes, whether our partner is supportive or tears us down is a very big deal to entrust them with and certainly effects how well we are able to negotiate ourselves in a fragile time.
Stealing your meds is daggoned low and dirty.
I know you are hopping mad about it.
I am mad about it!!!!
You can't stay awake to guard them all the time. And you shouldn't have to be sick because she wants to be buzzed. face palm.
For me, I have to walk the tightrope to keep my brain chemicals steady.
Perimenopause was a really rough ride for me...hormones are hell!
I think we are more vulnerable at that time, so yes, whether our partner is supportive or tears us down is a very big deal to entrust them with and certainly effects how well we are able to negotiate ourselves in a fragile time.
Stealing your meds is daggoned low and dirty.
I know you are hopping mad about it.
I am mad about it!!!!
You can't stay awake to guard them all the time. And you shouldn't have to be sick because she wants to be buzzed. face palm.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
KT, your greyhound tickets if lost are stolen, greyhound will NOT replace. I hope you got them mailed to your therapist today. I fully believe she will make an all out effort to take them. Or Joe could hold them????
You are not so good at being sneaky.
I am determined that between sis and I,, we will come up a place for you to hide your weekly meds. I will discuss this with you via phone, as long as I don't hear that echo that indicates she may have picked up the other line.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
you have private messages. go to top of screen to access.
You are not so good at being sneaky.
I am determined that between sis and I,, we will come up a place for you to hide your weekly meds. I will discuss this with you via phone, as long as I don't hear that echo that indicates she may have picked up the other line.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
you have private messages. go to top of screen to access.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 44
@ktgirl - you said that you're "So depressed hard to see a way out. The only out leaves family behind questioning themselves. Not an option. I want to be better, willing to do the work, but I still am questioning why.I need help in the worst way "
I know what you mean. Been there for a while, but finally busted through only to return, but I kept at it and eventually I found a "way out". I realized that we never truly come all the way out, which is why I'm on this forum, but we can get out enough that we can feel good enough to keep moving forward without depression. I don't think I'll every be in a position that relapse into bipolar is impossible, but I feel confident that I prevent severe problems now. I have developed many tools now. Eventually, you'll get to a point where your life will make sense to you. I suppose you can really only have faith for now, just know that you're definately not alone.
I know what you mean. Been there for a while, but finally busted through only to return, but I kept at it and eventually I found a "way out". I realized that we never truly come all the way out, which is why I'm on this forum, but we can get out enough that we can feel good enough to keep moving forward without depression. I don't think I'll every be in a position that relapse into bipolar is impossible, but I feel confident that I prevent severe problems now. I have developed many tools now. Eventually, you'll get to a point where your life will make sense to you. I suppose you can really only have faith for now, just know that you're definately not alone.
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