Jody675

Hi
my bf has just admitted to me that he is bipolar. we have been dating for 4 months and i had no idea that he was on any type of medication. he certainly does go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. it seems there is no even ground. he drinks more than he probably should, and his behaviours are all over the place. he is a very jealous person, insecure, grew up in a house of addiction, a mother who left him when he was young, a father who left him to fend for himself when he was 16 and he has just moved from the UK to australia 7 months ago, left his wife 3 months ago (she never moved to australia) and his emotions are obviously all over the place (i think most of us would have). he tries to be controlling and i just dig my heals in and wont budge. i ended our relationship yday because he went off the deep end being very irrational, when i told him i was having lunch with a friend before heading into work. he demanded to know who it was i was going with. and thats when it went down hill because as far as im concerned it doesnt matter. they are a friend and im just having lunch.

well during what followed that night he made a passing remark about him being bipolar and that he was being medicated for the opposite. i asked him what he meant by that the next morning, and he avoided answering me. basically saying that it wasnt my problem to fix. (obviously). i later told him that him being bipolar didnt matter to me, but until he could accept it as part of himself then how could i. well last night he put it on fb that he was bipolar. i guess thats a start.

the reason im posting is im looking for information from those who have been in my shoes and those that are in his. i would like some insight to what could lay ahead of me as im not interested if controlling and manipulation is part of the deal. i hope someone can help.

1waytoserenity

I'm guessing they have this program in Australia, too. Perhaps it would be helpful for your bf to check it out and see if he can get the support he needs to navigate this thing called, "life."

Hope you take good care of you.

Threshold

I am bi-polar. Accepting that isn't enough, because accepting it, even being on meds for it, and therapy etc, doesn't "fix" or end it. I have to learn to live with it and deal with the realities of it. AND...accept THAT, the realities.

This is just a heads up for you that him accepting his bi-polar isn't going to fix things or mean he will suddenly feel secure, or stop jealous rages etc.

No matter how much you love him and no matter how much treatment is applied, his being bi-polar DOES matter to you. It has to. It will affect him, and thus the relationship and thus you. No point in anyone suggesting you try manipulation etc to address it, it wouldn't help anyway, and you clearly aren't going to accept anyone manipulating you. (good on you!)

Medication, therapy, learning coping skills, etc etc etc all help, but I have never seen a case of someone with bi-polar that finds the perfect med and "poof" all symptoms disappear.

I think it's way too early in the relationship to be thinking long term and if you want assurances or a crystal ball into the future to see if you want to bother, I'd say you bow out now.

Stability isn't going to happen. He may make promises he wants to, means to, and fully intends to keep, but then cannot because in turn he becomes a different person..through booze and bi-polar.

I'd love to be able to say to you that it'll be ok, but I can't in honesty say that. It's liable to be a bumpy ride. Moody is what many people on the outside thing of bi-polar, but that doesn't begin to address the reality of it.

dox

Bipolar and being medicated for the opposite?

Doesn't ring true for me.

If you still care, in my humble opinion, you need more information:

When was he diagnosed?
By whom?
How long has he been on his current medication?
What is his medication called?

An open and honest discussion may be the only way forward.

If that's not possible, I don't fancy your chances.

~dox

Jody675

he had broncittis and went to the dr and i happen to be in the room. because he hadnt told me (or anyone to be honest) that he was bipolar, he stupidly didnt tell the dr. so the antibiotics that were subscribed had a side affect of manic episodes and irrational behaviours. along with all the stresses in his life it completely set him off.

i really do appreciate the advise that you have given and after 2 days of talking with him this is what i have decided for me.

he is only recently diagnosed, and is not medicated. he has a lot of unsettled business he is still dealing with (just relocated from the UK to Aus, divorce, missing home), and he is not taking responsibility for having healthy ways to cope with his bipolar. (ie still drinking, not eating as well as he should, no real routine yet)

i too have my own issues to do with sexual abuse when i was a child. although i have been doing a lot of healing work over the years, and accepted and listened to the little girl within me that was abused, i have never given her a voice. i have in this relationship.

after having some serious talks with him over the last couple of days, and explaining my reasoning why i do certain things, and finding out more about his past, it has helped open a lot of healthy communication. i have removed sex from our relationship so we can concentrate on intimacy, something we both need to concentrate on, but whether he gets anything from it or not, i certainly will. i am learning to listen, rather than talking all the time, but not going to walk away from my beliefs to keep the calm. for some reason this relationship so far as given me confidence to stand up for myself a lot more. i have asked him to work on himself. we can hang out, date, enjoy each others company, but it will be at a lot slower pace. it will give us both time to sort out things in our own lives a bit, and if i dont feel that the relationship is going in the direction i would like for a healthy relationship, then i have lost nothing as i have no intentions of letting his issues become mine, where i have to compromise and work around his insecurites or triggers. i will understand more and be supportive, but he has to own it. but at the end of the day i come out a stronger person then there is nothing lost.

i know this isnt going to be easy, but i have to change the way i think and do things after many years of self destructive behaviours. he too has to change, and he knows im not going to take his crap, and that for us to work he too has to change what hes doing and the way he does them so i can understand him better. im sure there will be times he goes off the rails, and i will have to wait and see how that affects us, and how destructive this behaviour is, but i am not new to bipolar. it is becoming more common these days. but am i wrong at thinking that with good communication, counselling, and support that it isnt worth a shot for he isnt just bipolar, he is still a caring man in there. just depends on how much he wants to work at his condition and issues, and how much i can work through mine.

Threshold

I think that it IS worth a shot. And with a positive and balanced attitude, as you have, and the proper knowledge and support you can have a worthwhile relationship.

I don't agree that it JUST depends on how hard he wants to work at it. If it's bi-polar, a real physical illness then no matter how hard one works at it, it doesn't make it go away.

One of the frustrations of having an illness, mental or otherwise, is that people will ask/say/accuse that we wouldn't be having a flare up if we were sleeping right, eating right, exercising right, praying right, seeing the right dr, not talking to our mom so much, working a different career, going back to school, and on and on and on. no matter how much we do...when it's not working, we are expected to try a new herb, a new diet, an alternative therapy by a Dr in Finland, etc.

Acceptance works both ways. It's an illness, sometimes, in spite of treatment, it's going to be what it's going to be. And that is not always because the person isn't working hard enough.

If someone can't deal with bi-polar then they shouldn't attempt to be in a long term intimate relationship with me, because it IS going to be an issue. And I've tried to hide it, pray it away, eat it away, drink it away, act it away, etc. but I cant.

Some people can't deal with living with someone who is bi-polar. That is not a condemnation, it's just reality. Unfortunately it's not something that can necessarily be predicted ahead of time. It's more commonly a "I had NO idea what I was getting myself into..." sort of thing.

It's awesome that you two are talking about this.

I am super curious how the taking sex out of the equation thing is going to work. There is no way that would work for me (the bi-polar one) If sex is one of the things that works in a relationship, I'd see NO reason to set it aside to work on things that aren't so good. I'd lose my motivation.


but that's just me. I won't eat a cookie if you pick out all the chips.

Jody675

the sex part is more for me. he is very aggressive about his need for sex. he grew up in a very unhealthy sexual environment and there is a real lack of intimacy or connection in sex. he thinks hes connecting, but what hes connecting with is his fantasies. his ex wife use to just roll over and let him do what he needed to do. my body is worth more, and that is not the kind of relationship i want. the removal of sex is not long term, but until we both can rewire our sexual connections, the current way is unhealthy for us both. dont get me wrong, i would NOT be in a relationship without sex, but i now want a healthy loving connection, not one that is about the act itself. i may not find it in him, but i would like to explore it, and connection though touching, talking, and kissing for awhile will at least help me. what he gets out of it, is up to him.

reference his bipolar, i completely agree that it will always be something that is in his life. he will still go off the rails at times. i have already asked what i need to ask him in order to find out if it is illness taking hold or whether its just a realistic frustration. he is trying to show me how he thinks so i can understand him, and be more supportive, and i tell him how his actions a words come across and that it is unacceptable and a different approach is needed. this also helps me as i am a very abrupt person, and i too am having to learn to talk a different language to find a better way to communicate. he is a good man, and bipolar is part of him, and there will be times it will take hold of him. i have no idea what our future holds, but the same can be said of any relationship. we just have to be more open to listening and finding different ways to communicate.

as for how he deals with his bipolar that is up to him. one thing i have learnt from this site is to just let him work whats best for him, express my feelings when it affects me, and if we cant live with the outcome then it might be time to move on. i cant control him, and i cant cure him, but i can learn, support, and continue being me, and let him be him.

i am so grateful i found this site.

so threshold, i know not everyone is the same, but what is it you wish that people would understand about bipolar? and what are some of the lessons you have learnt in relationships?

Threshold

Jody, I am really enjoying this conversation and it is helping me sort out relationship issues. That is something I am focused on these days, having recently divorced after 25 yrs of marriage and now taking my relationship with my boyfriend to a new level of commitment. We are planning to move in together.

It's very common for people with bi-polar to have grown up in chaotic family situations because bi-polar does tend to run in families. The potential for extreme mood swings and energy levels is already there among (often) more than one family member, and then the roller coaster of people walking on eggshells around one another, alternated with angry rages, with occasional spells of care and compassion would make nearly anyone "crazy".

Mania and sexual behavior often go hand in hand. SO many people on a mania act out sexually. Sex, power, headiness...on top of sex being a way to escape. For me, sex is one of the few ways I can get out of my head, stop the chatter and animal out. THAT is one of the things I like about it. The rest of the time I am trying to figure out how to deal with people, analyzing things, waiting for the next blow up, or numb in a depression, but while I'm having sex, I am just the animal me, and it's amazing.

Sex and emotional intimacy, soul bonding, and the many other spiritual and emotional experiences people have when they have sex...just don't go together for me. I am not implying or saying that is how it is with your boyfriend, but it is how it is for me. I feel angry and cheated and like a caged animal when I feel I must be present, emotional and spiritual during sex.

I'm 47 yrs old so I have had a LOT of time to work on this, try different things, read books, go to therapy etc. I never denied sex to a partner as a way to punish them, or to work on other aspects of the relationship etc. And I wouldn't be able to handle it if a partner did that to me. Truly, I'd walk. Because, for me, being denied or unwanted sexually makes me crazy, makes me feel rejected on the most basic level. There are ten thousand ways in a relationship to relate emotionally, romantically, intellectually, and all those other things, but this is that one animal hunger and to be denied it, as if it's lesser than or less important is something I can't handle. Sex, to me, is as legitimate a need as anything else. Not dessert, and I can have it if I've eaten my meat and potatoes, but sex is part of the main course. I get into relationships so I can have sex, just as much as so I can have all those other things.

I have come to understand that many people don't feel that way. But to me sex is part of the deal on the same level as being financially responsible, kind to one another, companionship, and all that. I wouldn't stay with a partner who played dead and just let me do my thing either though. I want a partner who's compatible with me in this manner, just as in other areas.

Communication is important in any relationship, but I think this too is a compatibility issue. Each relationship is a "contract" between the partners, and the duties are divied up, often tacitly, hopefully according to each partners interests and talents. Too much pop psychology and comparing a relationship to what someone read in a magazine or saw on a talk show can really do in a relationship. People communicate differently. People speak different languages, even though they are speaking, technically, the same one. I refer to it as emotional vernacular.

some couples shout at each other all the time, and they are fine with that. Yelling gives me crippling anxiety. In some couples, one seems to talk for both of them. Other couples sit down and pay bills together and have a chore chart and it works beautifully for them. Styles of communication are a huge compatibility issue. If we don't speak the same language, or can't translate between the vernaculars, or don't like the underlying message...the relationship isn't going to work.

Talking everything out never worked for me. The more we talked, the more it seemed that every aspect of our relationship was sick and hopeless, and that was not true. I didn't have a bad marriage. We had a lot of fun and love for many many years. My ex says so as well. In the end he divorced me because he could no longer live with my bi-polar. He didn't want to go under with me.

My ex and I are both scientific minded, we are good at observation and analysis, but relationships also have a synergy that goes beyond that and must be taken into account. Chemistry is part of that, but there is also underlying psychology. THAT, I think, is where many stumbling blocks arise.

When we talk about the relationship and analyze it, the individual psychologies get exposed, and often it's not pretty. And often people start the "well, I need to work on this, and you need to work on that and we need to work on these things together..." and OMG...the whole frickin relationship seems like nothing but a chore. Each trying to be a healthy person on their own, with the super healthy relationship together that can pass any scrutiny that Dr Phil might find in it.

but it just doesn't work that way. People are who they are, no one is, or needs to be totally balanced with all their issues worked out etc in order to be in a relationship. That is NEVER going to happen. People have strengths and weaknesses and issues and needs that aren't going to go away. No amount of therapy is going to turn everyone into this years version of a self actualized person.

if we analyze our partners, our relationships and ourselves we are going to find out that it's all impossible, we are all a bunch of messed up dysfunctional selves...yet the world chugs on.

It's easy and natural to look at relationships and think that a particular aspect is "messed up"...but it may very well work for those two people. It's tempting from the outside to pronounce judgment but we can never really know what it's like for the people involved and how those things work into their relationship contract.

I was about to apologize for my long winded rant/pontification, but...it's the way I am. Maybe part of my bi-polar, hard to say, but I guess it falls under the heading of "deal with it". Not in a snotty way, but just being realistic. When people ask me a question, they tend to get more than they bargained for.

one of the things that really frustrated my ex is that there really wasn't all that much he could do as far as my bi-polar went. If I was touchy, there was no specific way he could word things or approach me that would be guaranteed not to set me off. If I was depressed, there was no way he could reach me when I was trapped in the ice of my numbness. In a mania, he couldn't keep up with me. I understand how frustrating this was for him, because I have the exact same issues with myself. Being the bi-polar one doesn't mean I don't deal with a bi-polar one. I do, day in and day out live with my bi-polar self, and know how that can make daily living into a chaotic mayhem. I am not immune to my own issues. It frustrates me that I cannot do the things it seems I ought to be able to do, or rein myself in when I get manic.

I came to realize, pretty early on, that he couldn't fix me, save me, or change me. I told him that I knew this and didn't expect him to do any of those things, but he still wanted to be able to help. He wanted to be able to help because he hated to see me suffer, he was afraid for me, and he wanted things to be calmer in our household. I wanted those things too. And both of us did what we could to address the issues. Sometimes they just weren't enough. Sometimes I lashed out at him, often I lashed out at myself.

I will say this, I resented how, because I have mental illness, it was assumed by my ex that all the marital issues were because of me and my problems. He was the martyr. He never needed to address his stuff because my stuff was so much more obvious.

I resented being treated like a time bomb (though I understand why he felt that way) because I had long stretches of time when I wasn't going off the deep end...or so it felt to me. But of course it's relative and what felt like a calm to me, still seemed pretty touchy to those around me.

I guess I wish that people understood that mental illness is not a moral or character failure. That therapy alone won't make it go away. That it's not a choice.

I get angry at the "oh...she could have been such a brilliant scientist if she'd only stayed in school..." comments. One, because it overlooks so many of the awesome things I have done. Two because it's something I think all the time about myself inside. I still can't forgive myself for letting this thing affect my life to the degree it has. I keep thinking, even after all this time, that somehow, I should be able to overcome it. I'm smart, I'm strong, I'm a good person, why can't I just be normal?

I'm nearly 50 and I'm accepting that normal is just a setting on the dryer.

My bi-polar isn't going to go away (and I have friends my age and older who are bi-polar, and it's not going away for them either) in my case, it seems to be worsening with age.

My ex, is realizing that I wasn't the thing that caused all the dissatisfaction in his life. He still has to come to terms with himself, his own dreams, successes and failures. Funny thing is now he resents me for NOT being the issue. Because somehow that called him out. He'd been playing the "poor me, I have a crazy wife, that's why my life is like this." card for a number of years, now he no longer has the crazy wife and his life hasn't automatically sorted itself out. Damn me for not being his issue.

I appreciate the people who acknowledge that I do have mental illness, but that it is not what defines me, and that they love having me in their life. Some people still try to tell me I am not mentally ill, it's all in my head, it's a spiritual issue, or that I should take dairy out of my diet.

My friends and the family members who acknowledge the reality of my situation, and still choose to be in relationship with me are awesome. I don't expect them to take abuse or indulge my bad behavior when it arises. I want to be called on it, and I want to be able to be honest about it. But my bi-polar isn't just a pain in the butt either. It's not something that just saps life, or causes me to behave badly. It has it's up sides as well.

I forget that, when I feel trapped in depression or out of control in mania, I forget that I am essentially functional, I am a good friend, I create things, am generous and smart and talented.

I don't want people to say, when my mental illness gets the better of me, that that's not me, because that IS me too. All those things are me. It scares me that I get sometimes to the point where I can't take care of myself, or where I am a danger to myself. I hate that sometimes I need to be taken care of. but that's the truth.

This is why I tell you to not expect that it's going to go away. He can learn how to handle it better. It can be managed to a degree with meds, life style, etc. But be dead honest with yourself about whether or not you can live with it. People do. Lots of people have partners with bi-polar. You may be one of those people, but if you are not, don't expect that there is any way to keep bi-polar from being what it is. I believe you truly love him, but love alone, isn't enough.

Jody675

thanks for an amazing (and detailed...lol) answer... i really appreciate it. would you mind if we continue this conversation via PM, as there are things i wish to talk about, but dont wish for it to be public, as they are not about me, and it is not me to say things in a public forum.

will pm you later as i am flat out at the moment. just wanted to say thank you for your reply.

Live

I am knocked out by the superb words of Threshold. Thanks so very much. I wish this could be a sticky!!!!!

FWIW, both my partner and myself have bipolar and we manifest differently.

What we do have is an uncommon acceptance, tolerance, compassion and kindness for each other.

and I really did almost fall out of my chair laughing at the truly insightful and funny comment about dairy restrictions, it illustrates a point very, very well!

There is no separating the bipolar self out from some other self.

I have never met anyone with bipolar who does not need medications and thus with them, drinking is ruled out.
I often hear people going OFF their meds and quickly spiraling further into illness.

dabrewsky

Very inspiring information and inputs from threshold, many thanks, I am 2 years alcohol free and have been living with bipolar disorder since. I agree that there is no "correct" formula for each and every person with bp. Religiously taking meds, a support group, exercise and a very supportive family has helped me for the past years but there are times when I still seem to "act out". kudos to the ts for being very supportive to your partner. Jody675, I am now in a relationship for 7 months and the reason it has worked is that she goes to alanon and Has done extensive research trying to learn more about my mental condition so as to "understand" the circus in my moods. Will subscribe to this thread.

edeneen

I am Bi Polar, one of my ex's once said that dating me was like a roller coaster ride

Jody675

all the info i can get will be much appreciated. i do have friend who are bp, and have been asking them for advise, and yes the roller coaster ride seems common (not surprisig really). trying to get my bf to make decisions is tough. one moment its absolutely thats awesome lets do it, and the next its im not sure if thats the best way to go. there are some amazing and loving qualities in our relationship, and for me to learn to be more understanding and patient (im an aires and so not normally known for being patient...lol), but we will see.

Jody675

well we are taking baby steps, and things are slowing improving. he wants them back to exactly where they were, and im just happy taking a day at a time. he is now talking me through his emotions, when they start to get on top of him, and he can feel his emotions sliding, which has been very helpful for both of us. he is also a lot more understanding in bed, that me saying i dont want sex, is not me saying anything more than i dont want sex. he still expects it (even though he will deny this) but a lot of the negative emotions are dissolving, making a much more loving connection. it is still a long road ahead in terms of dealing with childhood issues for both of, but things take time, and so far they are going well.