Synfull Vyxun

Well, here goes,
Hi, I am a 27 year old, female, only child. I am from a different country and am only here for my mother at the minute.
We have lived in pubs for many years, with my mother as Licensee, I have always known she drank a fair bit, but its only in the last 3 years that I have actually opened my eyes to see the real mother, (and part of my grandfather).
At the minute, she is in a complete state of denial, I have been looking into it and think I am being co-dependent for her, but I have been told I'm enabling her, but after looking into it, I'm still lost. I found I worry about everything she would normally worry about. I try to do things for her, so she doesn't have to think about it, this all started as she has Fybromyalgia, so the guilt trips made me feel for my mother and now I do the cleaning, ironing, look after the animals, (when she allows me!?!?!?) etc etc. My father lives far away and does come and see me and try to help when he can, but he does not see how she is on a daily basis, so keeps telling me I need to change and I need to talk to a Councillor or someone, only problem there is, like my father we cant sit and pour our hearts out to a stranger, I feel like a box has slammed and locked shut as soon as I even try think about talking to someone. My mind goes blank, they ask how I feel, I am numb, they ask what I am thinking, its blank up in my head.

My mother drinks daily for many many many hours, and then denies it, and talks about personal issues between me and her with customers she barely knows, she tells them and myself, that I make things up in my head, I hear and see things, I put words into her mouth, etc etc.
Sometimes she can admit she does drink too much, other times, I am told to get off her back, stop trying to control her, and to stop judging her!!
I worry and care about her, but every time I try to tell her this, she throws everything back in my face, I have made myself sick with stress, I now have Labrynthitis, so I have not been drinking for 4 weeks today, and I feel good about that, as I don't want to follow in her footsteps, I noticed a couple of years ago that I needed to calm down, and I did with no trouble at all, I like to drink with friends, and yes do drink a lot sometimes, but only for the nite, and then I feel like death the next day, this happens once a week if that. So now I feel our roles have reversed, I am her mother, worried about her drinking, when she is coming home, who she is with, especially when I find her kissing random men, that she would never normally go for, and the fact that her 2nd husband left her as she was having an affair, seems to make her drink more, even though in my eyes I think she brought it on herself.

I do love her and am really struggling with all of this, any help or just someone to talk to who understands and doesn't know us, and that cant start rumors, like the people in this pub and small town, would be so greatly appreciated, I am here to help others as well, I am a very good listener but I do not have a clue how to solve these problems.

I have reverted to trying not to talk to my mother now, we live on different floors of the pub, so its fairly easy, plus she drinks in the bar constantly.
I don't want to live like this, I am thinking of moving back to Australia, as I need to live my own life while I'm still young enough to, but I don't want to leave my mother at this point in time.

Wow, that was quite easy to write all that, now to make it public,the hardest part for me is asking for help, I would rather do it myself, but have finally found that wont work this time.

dox

I read your story, renegayd, and was wondering why you chose the Mental Health forum to air it. Are there issues other than alcoholism that you need help with?

I am an alcoholic with a brother and sister who are both alcoholics. All three of us found Alcoholics Anonymous offers a viable solution. Having said that, the alcoholic needs to have the desire to stop drinking. If you are alcoholic yourself, or if you have a sincere desire to stop drinking, try attending an AA meeting.

If you are dealing with an alcoholic parent or other relative, Al-Anon can help. My mother found comfort there before she divorced her second husband.

I mention these two organisations because, in my experience, face-to-face meetings with other like-minded individuals is vastly more helpful than any electronic media . . . even this one.

Try it.

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) Great Britain

What is Al-Anon?


~dox

dox

Sorry, renegayd. I should have also said that in either AA or Al-Anon there should be no pressure to "open up" and start telling your problems to strangers. You can just sit and listen. If you do, you will most likely hear parts of your story from other people who share their problems and their solutions.

That can be the start of recovery: listening . . . and identifying with fellow sufferers.

~dox

Synfull Vyxun

Hi, the reason I posted in this forum, is because my A mother tells me daily, that I am making things up in my head, what I see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears is all made up in my head, and she just blames me and says I need a psychiatrist and all sorts. I know I do have issues and am waiting for an appointment with a counselor, I can not go to meetings as we live in a pub and the rumors and gossip in this small town are unbelievable, I have been told by people on here that it shouldn't matter, I shouldn't keep quiet about it, but as my mother says she doesn't want her private life going around town. Even though as I said we live in a pub and everybody see's how drunk she gets daily. She fell down the stairs and fractured her skull a week ago, and is still in denial, they put a new lock on the door she fell through as it could not have had anything to do with the 13 hours of drinking. I know I need to get away, move out, live my own life, but it's just so hard. She has Fybromyalgia and depression, her husband left her 9 months ago, because of the lying, denial, excessive drinking, cheating, and she is now going through menopause, so I think even if I just leave while all of this is going on, could I come back to help after? I don't want to in one way but would like to help my mother as we only get one. I'm just so lost.

NWGRITS

It's not unusual for ACoA to be a little mental. Look at how we've grown up and what we've had to deal with! I still remember the first time my AM dragged me into therapy kicking and screaming. She went on and on about how I was the one with all the issues. I was the problem child stressing her out, and if they could just fix ME, the world would be great. I left that appointment with the affirmation that yes, I was depressed. But the therapist also told me that I was doing remarkably well for how dysfunctional my family life was, and that I was not to blame for what was going on. I had always thought I was crazy because AM said I was, but the therapist made me feel so much better for telling me that my mother was, in fact, an alcoholic, and that I needed to take steps to protect myself and get out of that environment as soon as possible.

Synfull Vyxun

I am getting my head round it all slowly, I know now I have issues that need dealing with. When I joined this site a couple of weeks ago, I was a mess, shaking, crying, heart beating like it was going to explode. This site has helped me open my eyes and sometimes people are blunt and to the point and that is just what I needed.

Everyone in my life I can talk to, like my dad, just says keep ya head down, keep out of her way, do what she wants, and keep her happy. He doesn't see what she is like everyday. So I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me on here. I have bought books off ebay on how to help myself and sort my own head and problems out, I have asked for help in getting out of this house as I know it will be best for both of us. I need to look after myself now. I am also waiting on an appointment with a counselor.
After A mother falling down the stairs last week, only just having her stitches out yesterday, she went straight back to the drinking last night, so I give up with her, now, there is nothing more I can do for her.
I used to smoke weed, but I managed to give up, I know I used to drink to much when we first moved into this pub, but I managed to cut down and control it, with no difficulty at all, I just wish she could see this and if I can do it so can she.
One day she will open her eyes, Till then SHE IS ON HER OWN!! thankyou. ;-)