My angel wonders now, if this is worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Capistrano Beach, Cal
Posts: 2
My angel wonders now, if this is worth it.
Hi, I am brand new here. Only like ten minutes old. here is the trouble right now:
My wife and I have been married only 2 yrs. We both got sober on the same day, May 23, 2011. (i know, how cute right?) She has always had this low-level anxiety that, for the most part, presented itsself to her and everyone else as just normal, newly sober, socially challenged stuff. One night about 6 weeks ago on a tuesday night I had gotten back from my regular stag, and she gets home from hers 30 mins after me. She had been crying, so I asked her what was wrong, and immediately started crying, no....sobbing. a deep, tortured kind. finally after 45 mins, holding on to her, breathing with her, wonder when she would tell me who was resonsable for making her feel like this, she went to sleep. She woke up in the morning, looked at me, and started sobbing again. She was working part time, going to school full time, going to meetings, working steps, sponsor, sponsees, a commitment......EVERYTHING WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!
Now, she is on full medical leave, can barely get through days. I managed to get her a psych thru a friend (we dont have ins now, but will soon) Dr A saw her, set her up in groups 2 x a week, an Rx of 37.5 mg effexor, and five 0.25 mg clonopin. 5 days later, she calls me from her appointment w/ Dr A. Crying she tells me Dr A thinks she should go to psych hospital, we do. She looks as though the life has been sucked from her bones, so sad. I am rocked. Royale Helthcare is where we took her. They intake evaluater was very nice, and admitted her. 14 hours later she was discharged, they told us there was nothing really wrong with her, that sure she was really sad, but no significant mental disorder is noted. WTF, she told them her life was meaningless, not worth it. I pick my angel up and she looks so defeated. She is not a siisy, not a drama girl....stands tall, and handles her buisness with compassion, confidence, class, integrity. Now, she looks like all that drove her to be good and enthusiastic has been coldly taken away. She looks at me with those eyes, searching mine for answers, and seeing my pain, she winces and gets even smaller. She weeps. I have not known aguish, fear and .....ok. get it?
I am rambing, ill wrap this up.
Dr A puts her on Lexapro....3 days later, suicidal again. emergency room holds her for 23 hrs and sends her back to Royale under 5150. Top shelf team at Royale overturns this 5150 and releases her in record time. 10 hrs. She is either too sad to do much, or too riddled with anxiety to do anything but squirm. I tell her everything you would think to say....this is temporary, we will find someone to help, talk to spons, how can i help.....she looked at me last night, eyes welling up, ......"is this what we got sober for baby? I mean, is it worth it?" OMG, yes, no, i mean......fcku!!!!!!! so hurt, lost. My angel doesnt want to live, waves of guilt crash over her right b4 my eyes as the gravity of what she thinks and says hits her. SSRI's are obviously antagonizing the problem, so does that mean she is bipolar? oc mental health appt for this week, but I am not too confident it will help. if we had money and/or ins it would be different. So meanwhile I have to watch my angel sink lower, hurt more.......this sucks. It is SO FING HARD to walk out the door to go to work and leave her here......
My wife and I have been married only 2 yrs. We both got sober on the same day, May 23, 2011. (i know, how cute right?) She has always had this low-level anxiety that, for the most part, presented itsself to her and everyone else as just normal, newly sober, socially challenged stuff. One night about 6 weeks ago on a tuesday night I had gotten back from my regular stag, and she gets home from hers 30 mins after me. She had been crying, so I asked her what was wrong, and immediately started crying, no....sobbing. a deep, tortured kind. finally after 45 mins, holding on to her, breathing with her, wonder when she would tell me who was resonsable for making her feel like this, she went to sleep. She woke up in the morning, looked at me, and started sobbing again. She was working part time, going to school full time, going to meetings, working steps, sponsor, sponsees, a commitment......EVERYTHING WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!
Now, she is on full medical leave, can barely get through days. I managed to get her a psych thru a friend (we dont have ins now, but will soon) Dr A saw her, set her up in groups 2 x a week, an Rx of 37.5 mg effexor, and five 0.25 mg clonopin. 5 days later, she calls me from her appointment w/ Dr A. Crying she tells me Dr A thinks she should go to psych hospital, we do. She looks as though the life has been sucked from her bones, so sad. I am rocked. Royale Helthcare is where we took her. They intake evaluater was very nice, and admitted her. 14 hours later she was discharged, they told us there was nothing really wrong with her, that sure she was really sad, but no significant mental disorder is noted. WTF, she told them her life was meaningless, not worth it. I pick my angel up and she looks so defeated. She is not a siisy, not a drama girl....stands tall, and handles her buisness with compassion, confidence, class, integrity. Now, she looks like all that drove her to be good and enthusiastic has been coldly taken away. She looks at me with those eyes, searching mine for answers, and seeing my pain, she winces and gets even smaller. She weeps. I have not known aguish, fear and .....ok. get it?
I am rambing, ill wrap this up.
Dr A puts her on Lexapro....3 days later, suicidal again. emergency room holds her for 23 hrs and sends her back to Royale under 5150. Top shelf team at Royale overturns this 5150 and releases her in record time. 10 hrs. She is either too sad to do much, or too riddled with anxiety to do anything but squirm. I tell her everything you would think to say....this is temporary, we will find someone to help, talk to spons, how can i help.....she looked at me last night, eyes welling up, ......"is this what we got sober for baby? I mean, is it worth it?" OMG, yes, no, i mean......fcku!!!!!!! so hurt, lost. My angel doesnt want to live, waves of guilt crash over her right b4 my eyes as the gravity of what she thinks and says hits her. SSRI's are obviously antagonizing the problem, so does that mean she is bipolar? oc mental health appt for this week, but I am not too confident it will help. if we had money and/or ins it would be different. So meanwhile I have to watch my angel sink lower, hurt more.......this sucks. It is SO FING HARD to walk out the door to go to work and leave her here......
sobriety date 5-2-12
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Welcome, and thats for posting. I am so sorry the two of you are going through this. I have no words of wisdom, but I have felt as your wife is feeling. Keep searching out new doctors and you will eventually find someone to help her.
Is there anyone who can stay with her while you are at work or any place she can go? It is probably not safe to leave her alone right now.
My prayers go out to the both of you.
Is there anyone who can stay with her while you are at work or any place she can go? It is probably not safe to leave her alone right now.
My prayers go out to the both of you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I am so sorry to hear what you and your loved one are going through.
I have similar issues to hers. I got clean/sober but that didn't take away the depression and suicide issues. Step work, didn't fix it.
Indeed, this past week, my step work raised some issues that are really hard and sad for me to deal with. But, using/drinking or halting my recovery work isn't the answer.
Sobriety gives me the chance to address those issues, and get past them.
I don't know if that is what your wife is going through, but it might be worth considering.
I am bipolar and have to be very careful with meds because suicidal issues can quickly become full blown problems.
It can be very very difficult ( I've come crashing down over this) when we get sober, do our recovery work and STILL...life happens. We want recovery to solve everything. But it is just as possible that even if she was still drinking, this might have come up. It might not have anything at all to do with drinking or not drinking. It may just be life.
Very recently I went through an emotional crisis because recovery didn't fix everything, didn't save my relationships or make me able to handle certain types of "rejection" etc.
Hang in there, both of you. Mental illness and emotional issues are real, serious, and can be tricky to deal with. She is so lucky to have a loving and concerned supportive partner.
I have similar issues to hers. I got clean/sober but that didn't take away the depression and suicide issues. Step work, didn't fix it.
Indeed, this past week, my step work raised some issues that are really hard and sad for me to deal with. But, using/drinking or halting my recovery work isn't the answer.
Sobriety gives me the chance to address those issues, and get past them.
I don't know if that is what your wife is going through, but it might be worth considering.
I am bipolar and have to be very careful with meds because suicidal issues can quickly become full blown problems.
It can be very very difficult ( I've come crashing down over this) when we get sober, do our recovery work and STILL...life happens. We want recovery to solve everything. But it is just as possible that even if she was still drinking, this might have come up. It might not have anything at all to do with drinking or not drinking. It may just be life.
Very recently I went through an emotional crisis because recovery didn't fix everything, didn't save my relationships or make me able to handle certain types of "rejection" etc.
Hang in there, both of you. Mental illness and emotional issues are real, serious, and can be tricky to deal with. She is so lucky to have a loving and concerned supportive partner.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Capistrano Beach, Cal
Posts: 2
Big sigh , relief. Prayers answered....
I am very happy to say that my wife is now at a facility and getting the help and attention needed. I cant say where, all I can tell you is that we were given a full scholarship at a residential facility! Things like this truly make one regain faith in humanity, God, prayer, sobriety, the promises.....also humbles me. I do kinda wonder why I ever doubt that things will work out, they ALWAYS do. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.....
grateful not hateful
used2use
grateful not hateful
used2use
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