I Hate Myself - Is this a/the bottom
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Vancouver, Washington
Posts: 32
I Hate Myself - Is this a/the bottom
I am not an alcoholic but I am a compulsive process addict. For the past 5 years I have been getting physically and mentally sicker to the point that I am in constant torture and near totally dysfunctional.
I have never killed anyone or caused major wreckage but as I look over my life it is one separated from my true self, god and conscience. I have lied and cheated and my severe childhood wounds have compelled me to make choices against my self and at times other people.
I have been in a breakdown for 5 years and recently went on a two week binge of one of my addictions which is stealing from corporations through their publicity departments - I used to work in this area so know the game well.
Like most addicts the sicker I get the more I do it and for 40 years I have been able to deny and mentally write off the consequences - I hardly ever was AWARE of guilt or self-harm.
For years I have hardly slept but after this latest binge I am not sleeping at all and I am writing in mental and physical torture 24/7.
So I am rolling around in bed at 2:00 am and thinking about my late father and how I idolized him and also was shamed by some of his behavior before he abandoned the family when I was 8. Then out of nowhere I realized I HATE MYSELF. I have done my dad's behavior and a thousands times more.
Now I am wondering if I am not healing from physical health problems because this self hate says I am not worth healing. I have been a health nut all my life - eating organically - exercising and then doing wrongful things. Duh......elephant in the room!!!
So now at 64 years old and a lifetime of not getting it right I can go find a bridge and pretend to fly...or?? I have a great wife and in spite of my pathology I have kept most Ducks in a row so not much outside wreckage.....but me and my insides are held together (or were) with chewing gum and string.
MY QUESTION: Do other addicts his this SELF HATE bottom and how do you work with it and not look for a bullet.
Thanks for reading and responding - I am a total mess and need help!!
I have never killed anyone or caused major wreckage but as I look over my life it is one separated from my true self, god and conscience. I have lied and cheated and my severe childhood wounds have compelled me to make choices against my self and at times other people.
I have been in a breakdown for 5 years and recently went on a two week binge of one of my addictions which is stealing from corporations through their publicity departments - I used to work in this area so know the game well.
Like most addicts the sicker I get the more I do it and for 40 years I have been able to deny and mentally write off the consequences - I hardly ever was AWARE of guilt or self-harm.
For years I have hardly slept but after this latest binge I am not sleeping at all and I am writing in mental and physical torture 24/7.
So I am rolling around in bed at 2:00 am and thinking about my late father and how I idolized him and also was shamed by some of his behavior before he abandoned the family when I was 8. Then out of nowhere I realized I HATE MYSELF. I have done my dad's behavior and a thousands times more.
Now I am wondering if I am not healing from physical health problems because this self hate says I am not worth healing. I have been a health nut all my life - eating organically - exercising and then doing wrongful things. Duh......elephant in the room!!!
So now at 64 years old and a lifetime of not getting it right I can go find a bridge and pretend to fly...or?? I have a great wife and in spite of my pathology I have kept most Ducks in a row so not much outside wreckage.....but me and my insides are held together (or were) with chewing gum and string.
MY QUESTION: Do other addicts his this SELF HATE bottom and how do you work with it and not look for a bullet.
Thanks for reading and responding - I am a total mess and need help!!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
The steps of AA saved my life. I was desperate and I hated myself.
I went to meetings and I found a sponsor who could guide me through the steps, and for me, it was fearlessly and quickly the first time through the steps. I was a changed person with a new perspective. Life began to get better and I did what I could to make things happen. I had a complete change in my life. Search: aa city state Call the intergroup office to make sure a meeting exists.
I am glad you are here!
I went to meetings and I found a sponsor who could guide me through the steps, and for me, it was fearlessly and quickly the first time through the steps. I was a changed person with a new perspective. Life began to get better and I did what I could to make things happen. I had a complete change in my life. Search: aa city state Call the intergroup office to make sure a meeting exists.
I am glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
Maybe you should run for office. Seems like a lot of folks there have the same issues 
Seriously though, you are human and we all do things we regret or feel bad about. Don't be so hard on yourself--you wife and family need you, and like all of us, bad things aren't the *only* things you do. You have also done good things. Our humanity is a mixed bag like that.
It sounds like your issues may be obessive-compulisive related. There are pharmochological treatments for that; not only the behaivors, but also the thoughts that haunt you. Cut yourself some slack and check into them. Most importantly, though, really, cut yourself some slack. You're not perfect, but you're not evil either.
Seriously though, you are human and we all do things we regret or feel bad about. Don't be so hard on yourself--you wife and family need you, and like all of us, bad things aren't the *only* things you do. You have also done good things. Our humanity is a mixed bag like that.
It sounds like your issues may be obessive-compulisive related. There are pharmochological treatments for that; not only the behaivors, but also the thoughts that haunt you. Cut yourself some slack and check into them. Most importantly, though, really, cut yourself some slack. You're not perfect, but you're not evil either.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
TribalSpirit...it seems you've had an epiphany of sorts. I know many people who have done this, and make major changes in their lives. Admitting your powerlessness over your addiction is an important first step.
Can you turn your destructive practices around to protect corporations? If you can easily see how to exploit, you can probably as easily see how to market ways to seal such vulnerabilities from attack by others. How to get started and make a buck at it? Not sure, but there is a way, I'm sure.
Congrats on your realization. I hope you can actualize the turn around! Keep us posted, and turn the energy you are spending on self-loathing into productive energy to make yourself proud.
Can you turn your destructive practices around to protect corporations? If you can easily see how to exploit, you can probably as easily see how to market ways to seal such vulnerabilities from attack by others. How to get started and make a buck at it? Not sure, but there is a way, I'm sure.
Congrats on your realization. I hope you can actualize the turn around! Keep us posted, and turn the energy you are spending on self-loathing into productive energy to make yourself proud.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Have you considered seeing a professional about how to live without
these self destructive feelings/actions?
It's hard to change old pateterns alone...but counseling did help me..
All myy best to you and your wife
these self destructive feelings/actions?
It's hard to change old pateterns alone...but counseling did help me..
All myy best to you and your wife
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