Contantly Hiding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
Contantly Hiding
Hey everyone. This is my first post on this site and I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to get somethings out, even if it's just virtually right now. I actually have no idea what is going on with me, just like every other low point in my life. I'm an emotional trainwreck and entirely too self-aware that I've confused my own mind. I'm happily married, have two awesome kids, a full-time job that works great with my busy family but yet not one person knows that I'm dying inside.
Every single day is a struggle and I force myself to face each day with the same happy face that everyone knows me to always have. But, if all responsibilities and morals went out the window, I would stay a recluse in my own little house and only come out on "good" days.
I'm so so tired of this but I physically cannot make myself get help. I've tried therapy, anti-depressants (currently taking Wellbutrin and Effexor), rehab, etc. and all would be successfull for awhile. I'm just not sure if I was ever diagnosed properly or should I have been diagnosed at all?
I went to rehab (about 8 years ago) willingly because of alcohol and the problems that came into my life because of it. I really LOVED those 30 precious days and think back on the invaluable info I learned on a daily basis because those life skills I learned can be applied for just about everything, not just about addiction. I know I've probably confused the heck out of anyone reading this as I tend to do often. I actually hate to drink, I hate all the feelings that come with it, and totally get it when it comes to what alcohol will do to a person's life, but I drink to ignore the sadness within and too have a moment, even if it is just for a moment, of not thinking about it at all.
Bottomline: I think I have a severe mental problem that has not been diagnosed and because of that, I'm allowing myself to drink these feelings away or ignore them and bury them deep, or both. I read a few threads on Borderline Personality Disorder and felt some comfort in those posts because the whole part of not feeling "loved" really hits home. I just don't know what to do at this point in order to get some different results. My kids need their mom, 100%, and I need myself too.
Every single day is a struggle and I force myself to face each day with the same happy face that everyone knows me to always have. But, if all responsibilities and morals went out the window, I would stay a recluse in my own little house and only come out on "good" days.
I'm so so tired of this but I physically cannot make myself get help. I've tried therapy, anti-depressants (currently taking Wellbutrin and Effexor), rehab, etc. and all would be successfull for awhile. I'm just not sure if I was ever diagnosed properly or should I have been diagnosed at all?
I went to rehab (about 8 years ago) willingly because of alcohol and the problems that came into my life because of it. I really LOVED those 30 precious days and think back on the invaluable info I learned on a daily basis because those life skills I learned can be applied for just about everything, not just about addiction. I know I've probably confused the heck out of anyone reading this as I tend to do often. I actually hate to drink, I hate all the feelings that come with it, and totally get it when it comes to what alcohol will do to a person's life, but I drink to ignore the sadness within and too have a moment, even if it is just for a moment, of not thinking about it at all.
Bottomline: I think I have a severe mental problem that has not been diagnosed and because of that, I'm allowing myself to drink these feelings away or ignore them and bury them deep, or both. I read a few threads on Borderline Personality Disorder and felt some comfort in those posts because the whole part of not feeling "loved" really hits home. I just don't know what to do at this point in order to get some different results. My kids need their mom, 100%, and I need myself too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You're drinking now? Alcohol is a depressant and the irony is we alcoholics use it to kill the pain but it just takes us deeper. And we use excuses (or at least I did) that oh God I'm so miserable, that's why I drink. Later I realized I drink because I'm an alcoholic, lol
I've been treated for depression for many years, sober almost 20 years. What I read in the first part of the letter sounds like depression. But you must get sober. I couldn't do it on my own and went to AA, where I got the support I needed to get better.
I've been treated for depression for many years, sober almost 20 years. What I read in the first part of the letter sounds like depression. But you must get sober. I couldn't do it on my own and went to AA, where I got the support I needed to get better.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
to SRI have to agree with the previous posters, my experience is that alcohol is not a solution as it does create bigger problems in the long run. I could not get sober until I found the program of AA. There are many recovery programs out there and I encourage you to find the one that will work for you.
As far as diagnosing what your mental health problems are I am by no means qualified to do that. What I do suggest is that you don't give up on the mental health system. Be your own advocate. If you feel you are not being properly diagnosed, voice your concerns to your doctor. It took years for me to be properly diagnosed. I was treated for depression for years before they realized I was bipolar and suffered from PTSD. Today I am being treated for those conditions and even with the ups and downs of treatment I do have to say things are better with the therapy I am receiving and being alcohol free.
Take care and I do hope you find a solution to your problems.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
needanewday, I read your post and thought I would try to throw in a different perspective in hopes that it might help you view your situation using healthy kinds of logic. In the short term, maybe it will put your heart and mind at ease, but in the long run, maybe it will keep you anchored in the direction of continual improvement. In any event, allow me to wish you the best in advance.
That said, it's important to not ignore how far you've come during times like this.
First and foremost, you stated that you're the loving wife of a household raising two kids in the midst of a full-time job. Oh my! Have you stepped back and taken an inventory of that kind of responsibility lately? So many of us get immersed into our everyday grind that we all too often forget the mileage we accrue, and needanewday, you have many miles now. Ha. (Don't take that the wrong way or anything; it's meant to flatter you.)
I can happily testify to having no relationship nor children to raise, but I've been in relationships that mimicked marriage and I've been witness to virgin motherhood. Each spectrum remain something I'm thankful for avoiding, and yes, I'll cherish these kinds of moments when the right lady steps into my life one day (knock on wood), but having been witness to what it's like, I can only imagine what going through something like that must be like for someone like you. I'd imagine you're lucky to even have the occasional dinner date with your husband!
And you're posting on this forum trying to figure out why you feel dead inside?
It's time to restructure your life.
Secondly, you have to find a way to maintain tact while exposing yourself to your loved ones. Yes, it's important to keep the secure home life you paint the picture of in your post, but your family is family: if they love you, they'll not only be there to wash dishes and mow yards... Talk to them. Reach out for help and express yourself to them. You can do this without going postal or losing composure and in doing so, you'll double as a great example for what it's like to effectively solve family problems in a wholesome way. There's nothing better than having a family that loves each other, but having one that can openly communicate is one that continues to exist.
A great way to do this is by simply getting everyone to slow down for at least 1 hour each night to have simple conversation. It's not easy, I know... Everything ranging from hormonal teenagers to routine-driven lovers is the bane of this kind of tactic, but it sounds like you're in dire need of it.
Everything I've said up to this point has been heavy. Maybe you're not like that kind of person? Maybe you work best with gradual results? If so, you might consider something like a family game night, movie night, or dinner. There's a million ways to do these kinds of things, but I myself usually go with the most direct method (i.e. - "Everyone come into the living room. We need to have a family chat.")
Again, I hope everything works out for you. You're under too much stress and you need to find a way to bust the cap on that boiler or else things are going to get worse. No matter what you do, though, try not to worry too much. If you can't get your family to acclimate to any of the above suggestions, at a minimum, you should at least reserve a single hour for either just yourself or just you and your husband. A marriage is dependent on this.
Best wishes.
That said, it's important to not ignore how far you've come during times like this.
First and foremost, you stated that you're the loving wife of a household raising two kids in the midst of a full-time job. Oh my! Have you stepped back and taken an inventory of that kind of responsibility lately? So many of us get immersed into our everyday grind that we all too often forget the mileage we accrue, and needanewday, you have many miles now. Ha. (Don't take that the wrong way or anything; it's meant to flatter you.)
I can happily testify to having no relationship nor children to raise, but I've been in relationships that mimicked marriage and I've been witness to virgin motherhood. Each spectrum remain something I'm thankful for avoiding, and yes, I'll cherish these kinds of moments when the right lady steps into my life one day (knock on wood), but having been witness to what it's like, I can only imagine what going through something like that must be like for someone like you. I'd imagine you're lucky to even have the occasional dinner date with your husband!
And you're posting on this forum trying to figure out why you feel dead inside?
It's time to restructure your life.
Secondly, you have to find a way to maintain tact while exposing yourself to your loved ones. Yes, it's important to keep the secure home life you paint the picture of in your post, but your family is family: if they love you, they'll not only be there to wash dishes and mow yards... Talk to them. Reach out for help and express yourself to them. You can do this without going postal or losing composure and in doing so, you'll double as a great example for what it's like to effectively solve family problems in a wholesome way. There's nothing better than having a family that loves each other, but having one that can openly communicate is one that continues to exist.
A great way to do this is by simply getting everyone to slow down for at least 1 hour each night to have simple conversation. It's not easy, I know... Everything ranging from hormonal teenagers to routine-driven lovers is the bane of this kind of tactic, but it sounds like you're in dire need of it.
Everything I've said up to this point has been heavy. Maybe you're not like that kind of person? Maybe you work best with gradual results? If so, you might consider something like a family game night, movie night, or dinner. There's a million ways to do these kinds of things, but I myself usually go with the most direct method (i.e. - "Everyone come into the living room. We need to have a family chat.")
Again, I hope everything works out for you. You're under too much stress and you need to find a way to bust the cap on that boiler or else things are going to get worse. No matter what you do, though, try not to worry too much. If you can't get your family to acclimate to any of the above suggestions, at a minimum, you should at least reserve a single hour for either just yourself or just you and your husband. A marriage is dependent on this.
Best wishes.
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