boskerbear

Hi John....i know exactly what you mean about making up excuses to not go places like the beach with friends. I do it ALOT! Today i noticed i'm the biggest girl at my work. Everyone else is tiny! I like everyone i work with but I'm considering not going to the staff Xmas party because i don't wanna stand out. Last time i went to a staff function it was a watersliding party. (Still can't believe i went, and in a swimsuit, lol!!) Yeah, not a good place for a size 14-16 5'9" chick in a tankini to be while everyone else is under a size 8 and wearing a bikini. The girls were nice about it and kept mentioning how nice it must be to have big breasts, lol. But really, all breasts are is two more lumps of fat on my body! If only I didn't have issues with them too!, but nope, one is fake. When I was young, one breast just didnt develop. I was lopsided (yes, i know alot of women have this problem, but mine was a vast difference, an A cup and a C cup) So i got plastic surgery done to correct the issue. So one is fake and one is real. It's been ten years and they look ok, but I feel embarrassed about it.

The xmas party is December 5th. I think i do wanna go, but im afraid of the photos. They'll end up on facebook and i'll be "the big girl" in all of them. Blah. If I'm standing up I dont feel like a hippo, but as soon as i sit down I look enormous cause the fat bunches up. I have tried spanx and those types of things, and while they do help a bit, its not all that drastic of a change. I have a bad feeling i won't end up going, and at work the next day i'll have to make up some sort of excuse saying i was sick or something. I'm running out of excuses!

I have so many things wrong with me! Maybe its why i pick the men that I do. I must figure that if i have a guy with bigger issues than me, then I won't feel like a monster.

Being fat and having been mega lopsided but "fixed" is bad, but having super thin hair is horrible. Being a 28 year old woman with a bald spot on the front of her hairline is soooo embarrassing. I found some stuff called dermmatch that i use to cover it up, but under bright lights or up close people can tell. It looks kinda chalky. But I won't go out anywhere without using it. Atleast it helps a little. I found some clip in bang extentions from avon, waiting for them to arrive, i have high hopes that they may cover the thin spot.

Oh and to top it off, i weighed myself and was pretty excited about losing a few more pounds. However i was skeptical so i hopped back on right after weighing myself and the number fluctuated by like 10 pounds, so i did it again and it was another number....so obviously my scale was broken. I went to buy a new one, and im not down any weight like i had hoped. I have used my treadmill but not as much as i should be.

So tonight i'm starting over. Not just with exercising, but with trying to go no contact with the XABF again too. Thats just as tough as losing weight. Sorry for venting, i could have just wrote all this in my blog, but here works too. It's kinda refreshing to be able to tell others about all my misery and not hide it.

boskerbear

[QUOTE=uprwestsdr;2770659]

On another piece of paper quickly write a number of things you are grateful for .... You can start with your life, your health.....
QUOTE]

Thats a great idea, but today i cant think of anything really. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day to try this.

boskerbear

I'm feeling a fair bit better, its amazing how a few days can help...and some good sleeps too.

Sleep= the best thing in the world!

Thanks for letting me vent about stupid stuff everyone