Rancorous

I have been feeling really really depressed lately. I freaked out at work last week and had to go home early, i've had an episode or two of self-harm. I went to the school shrink. They said I was a "messy case" I wanted to ask what I was a "messy case" of but I didn't feel like asking.

I don't trust anyone to follow through on something as trivial as "See you later". I've thought about throwing my phone into the canal because I barely get any calls anyway. To just isolate myself because I can't stand people and their ******** anymore.

At the same time, I crave certain people's attention...which doesn't make any sense since i've stopped believing in them. I'd like to be special for once. I've never had a best friend. I have been doing all the talking to people. I can't just up and stop talking to them for some reason its like i'm not even doing it just being pulled to do it. I feel so alone and confused.

otterbearcat

It might be helpful to see a therapist. I dont really have any 'advice'. But Im sorry to hear your having a hard time.

Ceres

"messy case" Well, that's says oodles about THAT doctors sensibilities.

You're among a wonderful mesh of mis-fits here. "Messy cases" if you will. :-) Yes, like Otter said. A doctor (as IN an actual Dr's office) might be in order?

Rancorous

I have posted here before...I have been to several doctors over my lifetime. Right now, i'm not on my medication because I can't afford it (lost my health insurance). So, i've been quite a mess lately. I can't sleep, I don't trust anyone, I feel miserable. I even had to leave early at work last weekend...I randomly started sobbing uncontrollably.

I did go to see a therapist...the ones at school you have to pay 15 bucks every few weeks. I actually talked to two people... one of them was a graduate student whos about to leave and be done and graduate. He was the "intake" therapist. I think I freaked him out because I had symptoms and such while talking to him, that and I don't think the college campus therapist see much beyond "I have finals, I didn't study, i'm so stressed!" or "Mike dumped me! I don't think I can live anymore!" I hate to sound like a judgemental person, but really, I don't think they run into many people with substantial lifelong problems. The second lady was I think the one who runs the whole thing. I didn't like her much. I havn't even met the actual therapist i'm seeing I don't think at this point. I'm going to try and give it a chance I guess...its probably about the best I can do for now. Besides, they already have my fifteen bucks. -_-

Ceres

"i've had an episode or two of self-harm".

If this continues you may want to consider the ER. Chances are they will admit you into the Physch ward or transfer you to one. Or the hotlines.

Rancorous

Been there, done that. Besides, I can't afford it, no insurance. I may get disowned if I am hospitalized again. Doubtful, but still, minimum wage sucks. I can't afford to be disowned.

School is almost out...my grades are good enough, i'll make it through the semester.

Ceres

There ya go. :-) Build yer optimism. Easier said then done! Get some good books from your library and submerse yourself in recovery and discovery.

otterbearcat

I am laughing at the 'they already have my $15'.

At least we know you still have your sense of humor.

yeah, they do. glad you are willing to try.

Finding/affording a good therapist is hard.

Try to hang on to whatever positives you can.
I speak from experience. Ive been depressed for a long time.

Presently I am very depressed and lonely. But I have to try to stay as positive as I can. It is work. But experience has told me that when I seek and put out into the universe what I want. I can often get it.

Probably sounds like a load of garbage. But Ive found it works. Although sometimes it is easier said than done.

Rancorous

Yeah, I try to have a sense of humor. Its hard, especially when depressed and lonely.

Ceres

Well, I know we're all INTERESTING people. So at least we have that going for us. ;-)

HVACRGirl

Indy offers a state health insurance...you may want to try that, you'd benefit from seeing a doctor.

FSSA - HIP: HIP

it's called HIP (Healthy Indiana Plan)

hope it helps...and we're always here too.

Rancorous

Thats actually the health insurance I got kicked off of.

I suspect I got kicked off of it because I can get it at work theoretically. I can't really afford it though. I'm actually considering job hunting just to work at a place with no insurance to get that insurance again.

For some reason I don't like the idea of health insurance from my work...seems weird. Like they would watch me or something.