macsap

Hello all,

I've been in recovery for a little over 18 months and my compulsion to drink left almost right away. I no longer desire alcohol ( the thought actually makes me ill). I was on the other hand depressed/blue for about the first 5 months. I took my sponsors advice and avoided taking antidepressants and Anti-anxiety. All went well while I was doing what was requested of me (meeting/reading/praying/etc).

4 months ago I was laid off and was doing pretty good. I was optimistic for 2 weeks and even exercising, then my GF cheated on me. Although hurt by it I saw my part (thanks to the program and 12 steps). Since then I've been steadily going down hill. I've beefed up my meetings and trying hard to not isolate. I've also been seeing a psychologist for the past 2 months. I've lost interest in sex and don't enjoy anything at all. Although I don't have race brain like the past (thanks to the program and 12 steps) I'm seeing no hope and although I don't want to die I only see ending it as the only outcome?

I know I'm alcoholic but also know that I suffered from depression long before I started drinking. I think that I have a much deeper depression than when I stop drinking. I don't want to be one of the unfortunates (pg 58) talked about if it is chemical?

I know there are forum constraints but would appreciate any insight?

Thanks in advance!

historyteach

macsap,
First, congratulations on your sobriety.
And on doing what it takes to keep it, even in difficult times.
That's a major change in your life.
And you need to understand that, even a positive change is a stressor.

Now, you've had two more major stressors added to this one.
And in less than two years to boot!
Both of these two stressors are definately negative,
(even if, as you say, you see your role.
Though, I would say, there's no excuse for cheating.
JMO, here, as a female.
But, I digress...)

The point is this....
You may, or may not have a chemical imbalance.
Judging solely by how you were doing in your early sobriety,
prior to the two other major stressors,
my guess is that you do not.

That doesn't mean you are not dealing with incidental depression, though.
And please, do not kid yourself....
Incidental depression is *just* as serious as the lifetime, chemical imbalance type.
It simply does not last as long as a lifetime.

It comes on as a result of serious, and often chronic, ongoing stressors.
And that dark pit overwhelms us; envelopes us before we know what happened.
We can find no way out of the abyss.

But, there *is* a way out! You do *not* have to live like you are.
There is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is known to work very well.
There's medication which may or may not be used as a adjunct to therapy.
The two often work very well together.
And, btw, with situational depression, you do not have to live on meds for the rest of your life. It's a matter of getting over the hump.

There's also the matter of continuing to care for yourself. I mean physically, by eating right and exercising; mentally by continuing to use your grey matter for something other than holding onto a hat. Learn something new! Care for yourself emotionally. Treat yourself as good as you would your best friend who was going through what you have been though lately. And then, spiritually - by maintaining or increasing your relationship with your HP.

And continue to come here and let us know how it's going.
We care.

Hope this helps a bit....

macsap

Thank you for the response!

I will see what the nurse practitioner has to say on 01/08. It seems so far away and I can't help but think is this "my will" getting in the way? I know my sponsor feels it is ( looking for the softer easier way), which makes this so confusing! How can I sponsor someone if I cry while telling them how good my life is??? How could they want what I have, when I feel this way?

I appreciate the info and will pray for the right answer!

Best regards,

Macsap

Astro

Welcome to SR Macsap, I hope you find the forums useful, sounds like you already are!

yor5150

Hello and Welcome to SR!

I am not qualified to offer any advice but I can share my personal experience.

I've been clean since 1994. Going to meetings, working with a sponsor, being of service all helped to enable me to handle life on life's terms but I still battled depression. I believe it was 1998 or 1999 I started seeing a shrink. She prescribed an SSRI, then took me off of it and prescribed another SSRI, then took me off that and prescribed a third SSRI. I don't remember them helping much but I also might have expected too much. My job changed and with it insurance so I stopped seeing the shrink and stopped taking the meds.

In 2004 I had a lot of stress which aggravated the depression. I went to my primary care physician who happens to be in recovery. He prescribed lexapro which helped. It relieved the depression and racing thoughts to the point where I could function better with it than without it. The downside was the sexual side effects but I was no longer in a relationship so that didn't really matter to me

I started dating in Sept. 2006. The side effects became an issue. I learned a hard lesson when I stopped taking the lexapro without talking to my sponsor or my doctor first. I did this in the summer of 2008. Things were fine at first but not surprisingly the depression returned in a few months. I decided to start taking lexapro again. I had a reaction to it and had an anxiety attack. I called the doctor since I could barely function. He told me to stop taking the lexapro and prescribed zoloft which I was able to tolerate. The sexual side effects with zoloft were worse than with lexapro. I asked him if I could try wellbutrin because it supposedly has fewer side effects than the SSRI's. I took Wellbutrin in various dosages (per the doctor - no more playing doctor for me) for over a year with little relief. I recently asked him to put me back on lexapro which he did. Actually, it is celexa since my insurance declined to pay for lexapro this time.

I feel better now than I have in a long time. I'm able to function better, my memory has improved. I believe this is because I'm not in a constant state of worry or having the negative thoughts blasting me every day.

I've also been in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for several months with the hope that one day I can safely stop taking the meds but only with the doctor's permission.

I have to admit that part of my problem was that I became complacent in my recovery. Had that not happened other events might not have happened that lead to me seeing a therapist and being diagnosed with a cognitive disorder. I've been a lot more active in recovery for a while now too... increased meetings, service commitment(s), took on two sponsee's - that wanted me to sponsor them even after hearing about my lapsing into complacency, started working the steps again....

For me it is a package deal. I want to use what tools are available. I believe that for the time being, I function better with antidepressants. They don't give me a buzz (wouldn't want them to), I don't feel elated but they keep the thoughts and depressed feelings at bay.

What helps too is to give thanks for anything I can think of, especially in the morning when I wake up.... instead of "thinking" I start to give thanks to my Higher Power for what comes to mind... just waking up, having a roof over my head, for keeping me clean yesterday, etc then I ask Him how I can be of service to Him and His other children today. Striving to be more positive is a challenge for me but it is paying off. I hope to turn it into a habit.

Thanks for letting me share my experience. I don't know if I helped you in any way but I appreciate the opportunity to share.

I wish you peace, freedom from depression and serenity.

historyteach

Only you can determine if it's your "will" getting in the way here, macsap. But, please review the AA literature on medication. It was well recognized by the founders that medication was and is available to help people who needed it. Unfortunately, too many people in AA/NA try to play doctor and are not familiar with the facts stated both in the Big Book, and in the pamplets.

For example, on page 133 of the Big Book of A.A. it says in part:
And, in confrence approved literature:
So, you can see that any AA/NA member who is in need of medication to control emotional lability/depression or other emotional disorders, is in good standing in the membership. So please do not let other people stand in the way of your health and well being. You deserve so much more out of life than what you are experiencing right now.

And if you are not able to sponsor someone else right now, that's ok too. There are many ways to be of service. There are multiple ways to give back what you have been given. Do what you can. When you can do more, you will.

Be well...

totfit

I think that a person should always get medical advice from a Doctor. Unless a sponsor is a Doctor, he/she would probably know little about whether you would benefit from and anti-depressant.

reader

As a sponsor myself we are not suppose try to dictate our sponsorees decisions. Many people use medications quite successfully and situational depression should be taken seriously. I would call the Drs. office again and either explain this is too important to wait or I occasionally get through the appointment desk by saying I am ill such as throat or something and get a sick call visit. My Dr. is fine with this. I have been in recovery for a long time and use an Antidepressant quite successfully. Good luck to you... Take Care of u and don't be concerned what others think~! Kerry

Astro

Wish our thanks button was working, wanted to thank historyteach for her quote from the BB and approved literature.

I was prescribed meds in early recovery, my sponsor felt that I was weak for taking them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a prescribed medication. I found another sponsor, and I'm thankful I didn't listen to the first one.

historyteach

(((Astro))),

As you know, my son was the recipient of some of that bad advice.
He has relapsed multiple times because he stopped taking his meds. But, the last time, he also attempted suicide as a result, when he stopped taking his meds for his bipolar condition. This was all on the "advice" of well meaning people at meetings. It's a very real problem.

And totfit is absolutely correct; If your sponsor is not *your* doctor, it's not up to him/her to guide you on medical advice. They do not have the ability to do so, even *if* they mean well.

reader, I like your idea about trying to get an earlier appointment, too, if possible. I usually can withmy doctor. It's worth a try, if you're willing, macsap.

Just know that there is help. You do *not* have to suffer like this.
And you are still a member in good standing if you take meds - as directed.

I wish you well, and hope to hear from you.

macsap

I went to my Psych appointment and was disappointed that my appointment to see NP (nurse practitioner )has been pushed out another week to 01/15???

The good news is that psychologist said he felt we were going around in circles, so I asked what he wanted of me and we discussed a few things from childhood. It's amazing how all that crap hangs in there??? Anyways ... it's kind of amazing that I feel less stressed and more at ease for now! :-) I'll see how I feel in the morning since that is the hardest part of my day!

I do agree with my sponsor in that they hand out meds to readily! When I stopped drinking I was a wreck and nervous so my mom gave me a pill which I thought was an AP with a side effect for relaxing. I went to my PCP but he wasn't in so I saw someone else. I told him I was an alcoholic and that I just quit drinking and was nervous and that my mom gave me something that ended with a "pam". He prescribed me something and I took 3 before finding they were part of the valium family ... I stopped them and gave them to my sponsor. I thought he was prescribing me an AP .... it amazed me that he would prescribe this after I told him I was an alcoholic. So I see my sponsors point about meds. Plus my sponsor feels I got through that w/o meds ..... but this is feels more severe to that one?

Thanks for all the info ..... I feel more at ease since discussing this with all of you and getting the info (especially historyteach). I think it also helps that I don't have the guilt (my guilt) that I'm letting down my sponsor if I do get put on meds. I just wish he could extend the "going to any lengths" to include meds "if needed!"

macsap

I went to psychiatrist on 01/08 and he prescribed generic celexa for me. I'm not sure if it's psychosomatic or not but I felt different after only 4 days ( I had a killer headache for 2 1/2 days)? I started with 20mg and he has me on 40mg starting today. He wants me to call him next Friday to see how it's working, if not he said he'd start something else. I thought it took at least 2 weeks min. to notice anything?

Well I hope this is the magic bullet combined with AA to get me on my way to being happy, joyous and free!

Thanks for all the comments!

yor5150

I remember being prescribed Lexapro in 2004/2005 which is similar to Celexa. I felt "different" that same day. None of the other antidepressants had that effect on me. It wasn't a buzz kind of feeling either. I also had headaches for a couple of days. After stopping it over a year ago because of the sexual side effects the depression came back with a vengeance. I tried Welbutrin but it didn't give me any relief really. I've been taking Celexa for a couple of months now. My insurance wouldn't cover Lexapro this time. The Celexa definitely helps me function better.

I'm glad you were able to get some help. Best of luck.

macsap

Thanks! I hope it's a good sign that it will work.