ClayTheScribe

Bam, you will find love and affection because you deserve it. But you have to come to terms with yourself and love yourself first, flaws and all. Not an easy task, but I have to believe it's doable. Start showing yourself more affection, doing things you enjoy. That will get you closer to what you want out of life. Also doing things for others, volunteering is a great way to build yourself up. We'll get there, just hang in there and do the work.

Bamboozle

I don't want to meet people online. I have to see people so I can observe behavior. It's easier to pick out the wackaloons that way.

It may sound like I'm being difficult, but that is a saftey issue for me. I may be desperate, but I'm not foolish.

ClayTheScribe

That's fine, and is understandable, but I sense you're like me in that you build up excuses for how hard it is to meet people because of your approach and social anxiety. Those can be tackled in therapy and to some extent with meds. I'm going to sound like a broken record but you need to heal and love yourself first before you can love others. Don't let yourself get in your own way.

Bamboozle

Clay, I don't have a car yet. I live in Hickville, USA. Until I can get moblie I won't be "mobile". I'm still ready to go to the bar and have a look around. That means risking blowing my sobriety, but I'm not sure I care at this point. Yes, I'm still sober even after last night. I was more concerned with exiting than I was with getting a buzz.

Other than bars, what should I do? Wear T-shirts that announce my gayness?


And I'm realistic. I will never love every single aspect about me. I've never been able to sugar-coat anything. I'll never like zits. That being said, I can learn to give myself a break. Right now I'm harder on myself than anyone else. If I can bring it down to a normal level, I'll be just fine.


Honestly, I do want to jump the gun but no woman wants to be with a woman who doesn't have a car and lives at home with mommy and daddy (I used to live alone before my addiction got really bad). In other words, immature. I wouldn't want to be with an immature woman, either, so I can't expect that anyone would find the kind of reliance I'm partaking in to be excusable. I want to get my sh!t together and get the f*ck out of here! I'll be lucky if I can afford to swing a car and apartment at the same time. I need to get a real job...course I need a car for that. Nothing worth working is in walking distance.

otterbearcat

Bam,

Sorry you are so frustrated.

:ghug3

ClayTheScribe

Well a rainbow arm band might not be a bad idea.


You will come to love every single aspect about you, even your flaws. Love comes with forgiveness and acceptance. It's your depression talking that's telling you you will never love all of yourself. It's a distortion. It's not an easy road to self-love, but one that can be traveled in your lifetime. If all you can take is baby-steps at this point, then that's great! All that matters is that you're moving toward your loving self and away from the brooding, self-loathing self. And your zits are not permanent, trust me. There's so many medications and creams to treat acne it's ridiculous. See a dermatologist if they bother you that much. Just don't complain about things on which you are taking no action. The acne problem is very surmountable.

You're being harder on yourself because you've hit an impasse and you're in the bottom of the cycle of depression that's making you believe all these distortions about yourself. You have to learn to tune them out and recognize they only seem urgent. Have your mom and dad write out a list of positive traits about you. Then focus on amplifying those traits in your life.


First off, you ARE jumping the gun and laying down a black-or-white absolute, that no woman would want to be with you because you have no car and live with your parents. This is your depression talking because all-or-nothing statements are just distortions of your ill mind. I've known men and women close to your age who lived with their parents, often had no car, and still carried on relationship. That's because they presented themselves confidently and their partners liked them so much that who or where they lived or whether they had a car wasn't important. Only superficial women will think that's important and you don't want to get with them anyway. People will like you for who you are, but first you have to start liking you for who you are. Then forgive yourself for getting in the way of your own happiness.

And living with your parents does NOT make you immature. That's rubbish. I'm not sure where you're getting that from. Perhaps another distortion? I live with my parents but most people would not call me immature, in fact I've been called very mature for my age. I get that you're angry from very many of your posts, but not that you're immature. Immature is not your living or transportation situation, it's how you act and react to what life throws at you, how you handle situations that challenge your ego, how you react in the face of obstacles, how you treat other people. I know people your age who do or have lived with their parents and it didn't deter potential mates because neither parties considered it a big deal because they were genuinely interested in one another. A lot of 20-somethings still live with their parents in this country and there's not the shame that used to be associated with it.

You're not an immature woman. And if you define immaturity by living and transportation situation, you've just eliminated a bunch of possibly engaging, entertaining and loving women. And the kind of reliance you're partaking in IS excusable. You have a debilitating mental illness you struggle with daily, you have social anxiety, and you're a recovering addict, not to mention a lesbian living in West Virginia! It's totally reasonable for you to live with your folks when things get rough. I did it, my friend Johnny did it, his ex-girlfriend did it, my friend Loretta lives with her mom, my friend Noelle when she got really depressed lived with her parents. Only petty, superficial, stuck-up people frown on that or ridicule you for it. It's the norm for our generation. Did you know in Italy most men don't leave their parents' house until their early 30s? And this is considered normal there. So you're "reliance" does not make you immature. In fact the dictionary definition of immature is: lacking the emotional maturity, sense of responsibility, etc. characteristic of an adult. You have emotional maturity, even if the depression sometimes clouds it, you're responsible for getting yourself to work, for taking your photos, for doing chores around the house, for looking for a better life. And, like it or not, you're an adult. You've given me so much advice from the standpoint of someone who's 28, a perspective I have yet to gain. Nowhere in any definition of immature I found did it talk about one's living or transportation situation, so you can just get that out of your mind.

You're doing the responsible thing by reducing your housing and utility costs so you can save up to get out of there. To me, you are taking responsibility. An immature person (I know several of them) would just wallow in their misery, have a crying fit at every challenge or problem and not work, not try to make a better life for themselves.

Work on getting a cheap, used car first, then you can go out looking for an apartment. Perhaps pick up another job on the side to further that aim. Just see right over your obstacles and the new life that waits a head. And while these obstacles may seem like brick walls, if you chip away at them, eventually they come falling down.

You will have a better life, and soon. I know this because I know you are a determined, albeit rightfully angry person. If you're not out of your parents house an on your own in 6 months, I'll send you $100. That's how sure I am. But you have to believe it too, against everything your body and mind is telling you. You've been patient but maybe haven't put in enough effort to get where you want. Now you have to be patient and do the work, which means coming to terms with yourself, doing what you need to save up and move on from there. Beating up on yourself will only keep you from your goals.

Clay

mxchaos

There are tons of place to find friendship and intimacy. Book shops, coffee shops, the local Y are just some place people hang out.

sounds to me as if your body chemistry is still off. Eat right, sleep regular, visit with tdoc and exercise all help with moods and sobriety.

You will find people to be intimate with soon enough,,,,

Faerie

Hi Bamboozle,

We haven't officially met yet but I've seen you around and guessing you've seen me.

I'm 27, single, Bi, recovering addict and live with my parents. I do not consider myself immature, neither should you. Right now we can't afford to live out of home and need our parent's emotional support, there's no shame it that.

Sure it sucks sometimes, you can't blast your music at 3am or walk around naked but thems the brakes....

I'm gonna talk to you about attraction. I don't know you personally but you sound intelligent, deep, talented and I know you have a big heart and are funny. Why wouldn't I want to get to know you better. Why wouldn't any other woman?

I'm intelligent, creative [I'm a writer] caring and affectionate, would you knock me back because I'm a bit overweight?

No?

You wouldn't?

That's right, you're not shallow, nor are most decent women.

Even if women being shallow was a problem we can fix our respective weight and skin problems fairly easily.

Don't sell yourself short, it breaks my heart. I know what it is like to be lonely and crave love and affection, I'm lonely too. [but unlike you not ready for a relationship due to my PTS] I miss being held and kissed and having someone special.

To fill that void I spend more time with my pets [get one if you don't have one] hug my friends more and am talking to my psychologist about it.

The last post had some great suggestions about sober places you can go and meet people. I like you would never chose to 'pick up' over the net. I like to suss someone out in person too.

Please don't be so harsh on yourself, you sound so special and so worthy of being loved.

You will find someone, you just need a little confidence and it will happen, usually when you least expect it.

I the meanwhile re-read this thread, particularly Clay's posts and take some of the kind advice you have been offered. A whole lot of people really care about you, I do too.

Much love and understanding from your new friend,

Faerie x

spittake

This is not true. You don't strike me as the wannabe yuppie type, so get over this fast! Interesting people are attracted to interesting people. I hope, for your sake, you don't find yourself attracted to women who only require you to fit the definition of success to be impressed. Empty, empty souls, those ones.

I second Clay's pet idea, wholeheartedly.

ClayTheScribe

Mentally ill people need therapy. And no, therapists do not approach a patient as that illness is something fundamentally wrong with them. If your kid gets the flu, do you say, there's something wrong with him? No, he's just sick. I have an illness that needs actual medical attention, and for someone like Bam who has clinical depression and addictive problems, a Life Coach is not in any shape nor do they have the training, to treat those illnesses. If you're one of these people that believes people who are mentally ill aren't really ill, but just "down on themselves" take a hike. Cause you know nothing about mental illness until you walk in the shoes of someone who's depressed. People who are not ill, but have problems getting their life started, have too much clutter the house, their life is unorganized, etc. need life coaches. They basically need pep talk and advice. I'd say most of those people just need a good kick in the touche. A therapist does not help organize your life and find goals, they are there to treat a condition, often a fatal condition, afflicting a person who's life often has been left in shambles because of their illness (and it is an iillness, depression zaps as much energy as a flu), to minimize self-loathing and feelings of self-harm and help the person realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel and help them maintain their attitude and outlook once on the other side. Therapists and life coaches are indeed very different. I don't discount either one of them or de-value either one. Just acknowledge they serve different purposes. But one of them has a PhD in counseling, the other usually does not. If all you need is a life coach, good for you, but an illness should be treated medically.

Bamboozle

I am treating my acne. I went the dermatologist route a long time ago and nothing helped. Retin A and Benzoyle Peroxide burned my skin. I'm using salicylic acid based goop from the drug store. It helps, but as you know acne cannot be cured, only treated.

Accutane is not an option. I don't need to risk destroying my liver...not after all the drinking I've done. That stuff is dangerous.

Clay, I can find a way to love myself, but that doesn't mean I have to embrace my flaws. I fix what I can...acknowledge the flaws and move on. I do not believe in sugar coating anything because it doesn't help. I'm a realist. My days of denial are over.

Bamboozle

You don't have to send me $100 if you're wrong.

Thanks, Clay. I seem ungrateful...I'm really not. I'm just frustrated. I have a hard time remembering that I need to only worry about what it is I'm doing/not doing. I hear good things about people I graduated high school with...and wonder at what point things went so wrong in my world. I do want to be a success (In my mind, living on my own, having meaningful relationships and constantly making art...enjoying life. I don't need tons of money). I do feel like a failure right now. I am resentful that some days it takes all I can to hang onto a wisp of sanity...and I can't do anything else.

I want to get over all of this.

Bamboozle

No way. I like women with substance...intellectual and physical.


Thanks, Faerie. I know you're going through a heck of a time right now.

Bamboozle

You just gave me an idea. I need to get on it soon...I need to do something with my photographs--I have tons. Maybe I can show my work in coffee shops/whatnot. It would give me an excuse to hang around there and would be a way to start a conversation (I'm comfortable talking about art). In the town I used to live in art students would show work in small shops and have an opening. Hmm...long term project...

Thanks, mx.

Bamboozle

No, I'm not. I like interesting women..."real" women...intelligent...doesn't take herself too seriously (must have sense of humor)...being creative is nice but not necessary (at the very least have an appreciation for the creative). Am I asking much?

spittake

Lol. Let's see, must be interesting, genuine, intelligent, have a sense of humor, and either make art or appreciate it. That describes me and every good friend I've ever had. So, no, you're not really asking for the world there. That, too, would be the bare minimum for me.

mxchaos

That's a great start

Now go back to therapy with a goal of learning to fulfill your own needs. If your Tdoc is any good he/she will help you find the resources and set goals for your self.

Mine is always pushing me to be more social and then helping me find things that would interest me. He knows alot about the community and what it has to offer. So I have no excuse to not try things.

Sex and intimacy will only go so far. fulfilling your own needs will take you down a much happier road. Don't give up on yourself so easily you have alot to offer.

spittake

This is advice is common (I don't mean to single you out, mx), but it can be frustrating to hear repeatedly if it is not an accurate reflection of the issues at hand. It depends on whom we're talking about.

For people who are constantly jumping into one relationship after the next, and have major codependency issues, this statement would be absolutely valid.

I'm not certain if this describes you, Bamboozle, but I have deliberately addressed my own needs for years, to the exclusion of interpersonal connection. It really wasn't until I bonded with another human being, for the first time ever at 22, that the world of joy and emotional fulfillment was opened up to me.

That said, what creates danger in a situation like that is an extreme imbalance. When the entirety of one's happiness becomes dependent on the actions of another, one sets oneself up for a huge downfall.

As many wise humans have said, balance is everything.

Bamboozle

Righto, spittake. What I'm missing is a need...but it's not all I need. There is a part of me that's empty...and companionship, experiencing that, not necessarily having it all the time, is essential to my happiness. I have so much to give. I am a social being, after all…contrary to appearances.

otterbearcat

This wasnt directed at me, but I thank you for this post!


Bam,

I know you are frustrated, sexually frustrated, but have you given any thought to trying to form some close friendships with people first? You would still be getting companionship , and it would be lasting.