shutterbug

WARNING: MY TIME OF THE MONTH!!

I f-ing suck! my life sucks, my career (whatever that is) sucks, my home sucks, my family sucks, EVERYTHING sucks.

Unconditional love?

Is there really such a f-ing thing? i don't think so! The closest there is ... i committed love and i can't even find that.

what the F*** is sooooo f-ing wrong with me!!

I should be happy...i've lost 9 pounds the past month (at least) and i've been working a temp job all week to try and buy the computer i've been wanting. everyone else (except my now crazy sister) seems at least semi happy!

i'm tired and obviously grumpy. i behaved very self-destructively this evening. part of me knew i was heading there but had hoped i'd stay sane. psh!

i'm so sick of things i don't even know what to say! me not knowing what to say???

i can't stick to the meal plan...i can't make it to the freaking workouts this month...i was late for the temp job several days...i blew too much of my money...i haven't sat down to pay bills...i only have a month and 1/2 left of unemployment....i want a ******* boyfriend.

why can't i have what normal people have? a man...kids...house...dog...JOB!??? Why can't i even have half that?

i just can't believe that any of this has purpose. i can't make myself believe that i'm unlovable for some divine purpose. hell...i can't even make myself stop desiring fairytales even tho i know they don't exist for me!

i've felt sick all day...nausious....and tired even tho i slept all yesterday. i have one last chance to work another day tomorrow finishing up the last bit of a painting job, but i'm tempted to say **** it and sleep all day! but i blew more money today than i would even make tomorrow....and i'm trying to tell myself i just need to make myself go work the physically demanding day as punishment for my actions and to try to make up for it a little....but i just don't want to.

i don't want to do anything but sleep. but if i go to sleep right now then i will definetly miss everything...bootcamp and work, but i feel like throwing up.

sis is now mad at mom. yippee!!! i wonder if she'll stop and realize that she keeps getting mad at everyone who helps her the most....and that it might be some of her to blame? naw....she's to selfish to look inward at herself.

why do we keep going in lives that suck most the time? sure...i have a few nice days and that's it....but most of it sucks and it's not even 50/50 or anything close. the majority of the days/weeks/months/years in my life suck.

sooooo....perhaps i have been hypo and this is my crash? dunno....don't want to think it so.

i just want to be semi-*******-happy is that so hard?

Jenna

cinderellawkids

First of all remember for atleast 7 days you are running on hormones and emotions...Try to lay low and make no major decisions or confrontations during this time, Second, its normal to feel that you want a boyfriend especially when pMSing.

This is likelya hormonal crash, try to if you cant make it to boot camp, atleast excercise 10 minutes a day.

Truthfully life sucks,and when it does the last thing you need is a boyfriend, cause if you find one then, IME they are more messed up and suck even more and make ourlives seem worse.... Think about what youve been through with men last couple years and you'll know Im correct.

Normal people dont have that. Its taken me 19 years to realize that...ok, job would be part of normal, but a temp one is better than what many ahve in todays economy.

I must warn you Im PMSing too and a littly hypo at the same time...

However, this is my experience...unless you already have kids and a dog, you dont want a house. Why? In an apartment what d you do if your toilet clogs, pipe busts loose, dryer catches on fire? You call maintenance. In a home...well let's just say Thanks to my kids and or dog I had 2 overflowed toilets this am and only person to fix was me...I only got one working...I dont even want to go home tonite as they other one was still a nasty mess. I spent 6 hours of my weekend in 95 degree heat mowing my yard, and those darn kids didnt clean up the dog waste before I did so...I tossed out those shoes...
Today is only Tuesday, and OMG I swear the yard looks a mess and needs to be mowed again. Im sure if I just recapped the last 10 days of my home life, when you stopped laughing youd feel happier.

Of course Im far from "Normal" My husbands in jail and when the state agreed he was wrongfully charged I wasnt happy... I felt fear. (But Im married to an addict that I dont wanna let go of, but darn if I want to keep up doing all this work either)

Im only saying this because since I was 15 I wanted a kid a house a dog and to eb married and then Id be happy...and Ive had all that, even seperate times and truth is only I could make me happy. Another thing Ive learned is you dont need someone to ahve those things, you can have/achieve them yourself. When you do, find a trustworthy handyman and a good kennel.

Try to take a nice warm bath, slow thing down a few days and keep telling yourself when the hormones slow you'll be ok. and you likely will, try to keep with the good eating, if you cheat, only cheat a little.

Keep writing and remember the job thing is temporary, the economy right now sucks, but you'll find something. (wasnt unemployment extended recently or is that time what's almost running out?)

shutterbug

that time is what's almost running out. i'm on my 3rd extension of unemployment.

i am feeling a bit better today. i purposely didn't go to the morning workout or painting. i needed to be a lazy dog today, but i'm still trying to talk myself into working on my own place.

i think part of the temp job is that the girl i'm working for has a ton of qualities like my sister...thinking she knows everything...is always right...putting others down for things she does herself...pointing blame, but never taking any for her own doings. it's been a bit emotionally draining to always have to feel like i'm having to explain myself and constantly showing her i'm doing a good job and working fast enough. She's soooooooooooooooooooo freaking critical! and that the part that sucks is that she criticizes me for things that have nothing to do with my fault....like saying i missed a spot when i got it twice, but it's still showing a dark spot thru the paint! OMG!

i'm so hard on myself i just can't take that much criticism. AND she does it just as much when i'm doing photo jobs for her! I've been shooting professionally for 10 years and she's been shooting maybe 2 years, BUT because she knows posing (b/c she constantly reminds me she was trained by motophoto and another commercial portrait studio) that she's awesome at it and i need to learn better/quicker. and she has basically said she thinks the photojournalism is a joke.

i know if i stick with her that she has the drive and biz sense to make a photo partnership successful for us both, but i just don't think i can put up with her and keep pushing myself towards things i don't enjoy just to be successful at something in photography.

anyway...you are right. i am hormonal and probably was a little hypo. and i get what your saying about the house and stuff, but i'm having to live in my mom's shack of a (former) rental where the toilet is falling thru the floor, no toilet paper can be flushed b/c the pipes have collapsed, the front porch is about to fall in any day, termites have eaten giant holes into the house where u can even see daylight, there are busted windows with plastic over them, the front door barely opens and i have to slam it with all my might to clothes, it's over run by ants and now roaches have started appearing since the neighbors moved out several months ago, the roof leaks every time it rains in too many places to catch them all in buckets, the house has sunk into the ground so much that the place is literally only inches above the ground underneath it (so no one can ever crawl under it to fix ANYTHING and all the rest of the carpet needs removed and replaced. and that's just the major stuff.

i want to 'try' to make the place as cozy as possible, but it's also hard to have any motivation to do anything here! I painted much of the living room several months ago and last night i noticed by the front door where the wall has shifted several more inches just since i painted!

the place needs torn down.

and kids....yes i want a kid. being around my nephews makes it worse b/c they are so loving and their mom doesn't nurture them at all. she is too busy being her to even enjoy them...and definitely doesn't help them grow or learn or anything. mostly she yells at them.

i say i need a boyfriend b/c i need physical touch...and i'm talking about just hugs and kisses even from a male. i have never been able to let myself be a touchy feely person except with a guy in my life. so i starve for it. i starve for hugs and cuddling and holding hands or anything.

i hate myself so much that the only time i get a reprieve from it is when i have a guy in my life who i can see myself thru their eyes instead.

thank you for your very caring response cindy. it REALLY means a lot to me and i want to come back and re-read it later today.

i just wanted to mainly let you know i'm feeling a bit better than i was last night.

thanks bunches,
jenna

cinderellawkids

Atleast you can see it all.

I was never touchy feely, but always needed touch. My husband taught me how, even with my kids and we are so much closer now. I do understand....Unfortuantely I also learned just what type of people codependant me picks...funny I was always that way just didnt see as clearly.

Ive developed a bad attitude towards people as a result.

Sounds like your rental is similar to homeownership, except theres help to fix those things...Im sorry. Can help with bugs. If you put professional bait out, the bugs will return to other unit and leave you alone....
What about fabric on walls where things shift...

and aromatherapy helps always with feeling cozy.

Until you have a child of your own dote on your nephews, its not the same but it helps, thus it sounds like they need it.

As far as the business partner...you might want to steer clear you'll likely be better in the long run...

shutterbug

thanks.

yeah...i love doting on my nephews, but my sister makes it hard. She's mad at everyone right now as a result of lashing out from a failed relatioship with a guy that ended in him assaulting her.

i was about to start thinking of moving in with her until she decided that my watching the boys for her and trying to keep the living room and kitchen clean after them wasn't enough. she also wanted me to do ALL of their laundry and keep the entire house spotless...in addition to raising her kids....all in return for staying in a small bedroom.

she's gone insane and said she felt taken advantage of by me ...which i watched her kids for about a week and a half ...3 days of which she went out of state for.

i'm spiraling down faster than i should be right now. i'm seeing only negatives everywhere around my life...only positive is losing weight, but i've missed more morning workouts this month around than i've made.

the main thing with the house shifting is the doors not opening or closing. i have to slam the front door with all my might to get it to close.

i want to move out of state or something really different....but no one will hire me at even any out of state papers.

seems like my only choice is dwindling down to going back to school. not that that's a bad thing...just don't know if i can really do that all again and survive.

shutterbug

still self-destructing...just in a couple diff ways.

got Chinese and nearly at the whole thing.

went online to get guys number from my cell records...as i'd deleted him completely from my cell and told him i wouldn't be texting anymore. guess it's been about a month since i saw him and i was wanting to be strong, but i'm not strong about anything anymore. so i sent a text saying, stupidly, "Ever think of me?"

obviously no response.
i tend to want to see him when i'm down and in a destructive mood b/c he's the only person who's been able to make me feel better about myself.
but, it's a good thing he didn't respond. i have fairytale imaginings involving him and so it would only be a temporary fix to see him again.

i did make myself go borrow from my savings today and paid all my bills. I am now caught up for this month except for i still need to pay the other half of my COBRA with unemployment next week. i didn't want to take out any more from savings than i had to and plan to put it back in two weeks when paid for a temp job.

just realized i have most of september weekends now booked up with photo gigs and such. 2 just happened in the past few days...i didn't even try they just landed in my lap. and 2 more landed in my lap for october already.

i'll make myself do them for the money, but i'm not enjoying any of it much anymore. i think the potential photo partner has critiqued me to the point that i just don't want to care anymore. She even continues to critique me on the body building events i shoot for her...saying i'm not giving her enough full-body poses even tho i snapped tons at this last event and even tho the 3/4 body shots look SO much more professional and impressive. Also...she decided she didn't need me for the evening part of it so she shot that....the dang girl used a freaking flash and all her pics look totally amateur b/c of it! the lighting just looks horrible and b/c of the flash everyone has those ugly shadows behind them. My 3/4 body shots, however, look like they were shot in a studio even tho the muscle men were competing on stage.

you'd think she'd notice the difference, but that is why she is tooooo much like my sister...all she can do is focus on the 'negatives' she shes and doesn't see any of the good work i do. i'm tired of it.

and you'd think i could just suck it up knowing that my images are on a totally different level of professionalism....but i can't. even tho i know i do great work....i can't handle the constant nit-picking apart my images. i do enough of that to myself already.

think i'll change my screenname to 'foul bug' instead as life just stinks since all i tend to see are all the negatives as well.

Jenna

cinderellawkids

Sure you can...dont talk yourself out of it.

Thats a positive thing!!!

Try to make of list of good or even ok things....

Hey you have a savings...I work fulltime and have $5 in savings and thats because I lost my card or I wouldve spent that

shutterbug

having a harder time sticking to bootcamp workouts and meals this month. today was end of week two and i've only worked out with them 4-5 times instead of 10. And i still have to write some press releases to 'pay' for the service in trade. ugh

i finished off my leftover fudge sunday from last night when i got back from this mornings workout...then went to sleep. woke up and had cereal and a hard-boiled egg for breakfast, then soon after had a cup of leftover chinese rice (can't be healthy)....then not long after i had a protien bar (i like those but the have quite a few carbs).

Then? slept all day and woke up deciding to make brownies in the microwave (because i can...and it was there)...and had a wheat bagel with low-fat cream cheese while it cooked.

also having my first coke of the day (suppose to cut all carbonated drinks out...even diet) while eating my warm brownies. i thought it interesting that the brownie nutrition content isn't that much worse than the carbs and calories, etc., than a protien bar (just doesn't have as much protien).

i was really bad yesterday with the double scoop carmel/fudge sunday...and that was after eating a giant mess of beef broccoli and chinese rice from the local take-out restaurant.

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the school thing is a hard one for me. When i got my bachelor's in 2001 i planned to eventually go back and get a master's. So this could be that time....but i haven't a clue what get it in (art/graphic design or psychology or what?). and going back after being out for so long is scary on it's own. also...i'd have to decide WHERE...then move there...AND that's all if i can even get in with my horrid GPA (not sure how horrid...just know i barely got my bachelor's).

then there's the whole....being alone and doing hard school stuff again.

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well the savings thing isn't b/c of any amount of willpower...i assure you. and it won't last long unless i get a job soon and also fix my self-destructive habits.

thoughts this week returned to going back into treatment. why does day treatment and shock treatments hold such a place in my mind for retreat? i've thought about this before and it seems similar to the saying with getting a tattoo or can't just eat one potato chip.....once you get one you want to go back for more.

that sounds silly...i know, but i think when i'm in day treatment or having shock treatments then i feel a little better about not being able to control the bad parts of my life. like....i'm sick and it's not my fault...and in day treatment there are people there just like me who are understanding and going thru similar things so it feels safer than the regular world.

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as i said yesterday...i dug up the guys number and texted him, "ever wonder about me?"

at 11:30 p.m. last night he responded with, "Yes i think of you sometimes."

i was nearly asleep and it woke me. i decided not to text back even tho i wanted to talk to him. i decided that 'sometimes' isn't anything close the how i think of him everyday and sometimes several times a day even tho i try not to.

i know he's not perfectly 'good' for me, but he's a prince compared to anyone else i've ever dated and he definitely has honor, integrity, intelligence and lots and lots of potential. so it's hard to make myself let go of him when he can turn my most depressed day into one of the best days i've ever had in my life. no joke.

but i know a large part of that is simply the attention he gives me when with him. he is very attentive and loving toward me even tho he has said he is not 'in love' with me ...and explained he's not in a place to let his heart open to anyone right now. i know that's mostly b.s. and means he's just not that into me.

still....i'm having a hard time keeping myself away from someone who makes me mostly feel good when i'm around them. The alternative is being alone and depressed and self-destructive and bored and unhappy and about to scream out at the world.

so...i called him a few minutes ago. of course he didn't answer. it's friday night and he's a social butterfly...and i technically broke things off with him 3-4 weeks ago.

but i am sad.

sad and full of brownies and coke....the only thing left to do is veg watching more old movies and sleeping as much as i can.

i thought i might have had a photo thing tomorrow, but looks like i don't afterall.

i just feel lost....completely and totally lost.

shutterbug

my stomach has a black hole in it today (and yesterday). no matter what it can't get full.

i slept all day so i can't make myself go to sleep now. so i'm going to take a visteril and eat something else and try to make myself sleep till daylight.

shutterbug

dream yesterday....was that i decided to wait until i'm 40 to see if can become happy.

also had a dream .... i began taking care of triplet baby girls...was happy, but scared that the parents would come back later and take them from me.

i've slept most of the past 3 days away...blown my meal plans and only today got out to make myself get coffee in hopes i'll get some energy to work around the house. i asked for fat-free, but they gave me regular. seems even trying gets me no where.

last week was obviously a hard one...and somehow i ran my cell bill up an extra $50...and i KNOW i paid $75 on it, but it's not showing i did and is now trying to cut it off! ugh.

work partner last week was gushing about how loving her husband was being to her the night before by wanting to spend time with her and making her dinner and all that stuff....i was fine the first time she told me all this...but several hours later she told me AGAIN and it then hurt something inside me.

it's that same stupid thing of 'why can't i find love.' no one in my life seems to understand how painful it is to be without it for soooooo long.....especially with the way i grew up.

i'm tired of it. i'm tired of not having love in my life...i'm tired of having no one to cuddle, smile with, hug, make love to, make future plans with.....have a freaking life with. no one understands!!

And i'm tired of people telling me how married life can be just as bad, if not worse. at least they've gotten to experience it! At least they got to say SOMEBODY loved them enough to marry them at some point. Sure...i could have married one person years ago....but i knew that wouldn't work and am glad i didn't marry him, i suppose....but if i had...at least i could have experienced marriage once. so in a way i wish i had done it. sometimes i hate myself for doing what i know is for the best!!!

speaking of....i tried called mr. guy yesterday or the day before....forgotten which and got no response. he's definitely one of those things i know isn't for the best, but temporarily....he helps me be a little happy in this horrid life. so, i guess....how can that be a total bad thing?

cinderellawkids

Sorry your struggling .

Have to say that cracked me up, but I only due that in severe depression. Maybe you should look back into day treatmetn, maybe you feel like its a retreat because your body/brain need it so badly at the time

ClayTheScribe

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. While I'm only 24 I know how you feel as far as the loneliness goes, as I've never had a serious relationship. It has to be worse for someone older like you with the pressure to be married and have kids. The best advice I got was to reach out to friends, make new ones (ideally people who are also struggling with love like yourself) and to work on improving yourself. I also have depression and can relate to sleeping in bed for days on end except every once in a while getting up to use the bathroom or eat. But I've largely overcome that and you can too. The first step is to get some kind of exercise during the day for at least 15 minutes, though 30 minutes gives you the total psychological benefit. Also I'd recommend taking fish oil pills if you don't already as it helps with depression. Green tea, black tea, B vitamins and CoQ10 are all great ways to get energy that won't leave you feeling crashed later on like with coffee. And I've found the best thing for my depression is to stay busy! It's harder for the depressive thoughts to latch on when you're being productive, though I know this is easier said than done when the depression zaps your energy. I trust you're seeing a therapist as well and talking about this? If not, make sure you find one who you can trust and confide in.

As far as dating goes and finding a mate, have you ever tried online dating like Match.com or eHarmony.com? It might be worth a shot. But first you have to be willing to love and nurture yourself and try to lift yourself up rather than wait for someone else to do the heavy lifting. You are lovable and you will find love, you just have to believe it. And next time your work partner talks about her marriage like that feel free to tell her you don't want to hear it because it makes you sad. You never know, she might be able to console you.

Just remember the depression makes your problems seem monumental, but you have the power to conquer them one bit at a time. You can and will become happy again, it's just a matter of time and how much work you put into it.

Take care.

shutterbug

Cindy...Pampered Chef came out with this rice cooker thing that you can also use to make yummy cakes and brownies in the microwave. i finally bought one from my sis.

Clay....i'm in a bootcamp fitness program....exercising 7 days a week (if i do my homework on weekends and make it to all the weekday sessions). It's a VERY tough 45 minute workout at 5:30 a.m.

sorry to hear about your major depressive episode, but i have worse news......you may not want to know about it so i will skip down a few and you can just stop reading now if you want (as i truly wish i didn't know it either). Ignorance truely can be bliss with this illness as you still have hope left...my educating myself about this illness took all that hope away... and gave me a life-long death sentence.

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The worse news is that it will most likely come back....AND it's progressive when it does. I had my first at about your age and hadn't a clue what it was. My next episode hit 7 years later and hit me twice as hard. That one lasted about two years so i really only had about 2.5 years before this last one hit. I lost career jobs each time.

The only reason this last one wasn't as horrid as the 2nd one had been was because i knew i didn't have the strength to go thru it again like that and opted for shock treatments. I had 23 total. They work miracles, but have side affects (memory issues is what i've dealt with) and the affects don't last long which is why i had to have so many.

But ECT treatments are better than all the pills and therapy and prayers combined. So it's a toss up and I'll likely have them again in the future since i know my bipolar II disorder carries the progressive major depressions with it.

And yes....i've done online dating without much luck there either. Even signed up for match.com a few weeks ago and i've wasted my money.

i believe i am unlovable b/c that's how i was raised. And years of therapy and self-help books haven't made a dent in helping me not hate myself.

Oh...and before my 2nd major episode i worked with a staff of all girls about my age...all single. In one years time they all got engaged, married or popped out their first kid....EVEN the girl who came on board to fill in for the one while she was on maternity leave....she got married later that year.

and the kicker is that i photographed ALL of their freaking weddings! how sad is that!

So they are all married now.

Last year i went to florida to rescue a friend from a divorce she was going thru. About a month after her divorce was final she met a guy here, moved out of my place and in with him and they are now engaged.

So....the friend thing doesn't work for me either....only shows me further how unlovable i am and how even lonelier i am and will always be.

Oh...and sorry to say that people don't 'overcome' major depressions.....the major depressions lift whenever they are good and ready and we are left to pick up the pieces. Surviving them is more like it.

I've done the therapy thing for too long and all it did was show me that nothing really helps other than taking my meds (which only helps a little when the illness is not going full-steam), exercise, shock treatments and/or time.

Staying busy wouldn't be so hard if i hadn't gotten fired last year from my paper after i returned from medical leave. and since media jobs are shrinking (and now photographers also HAVE to be versed in video footage to even qualify for them).... i'm left in the cold.

i've been doing temp jobs and photo sessions as i can, but they are few and far btwn ...and i'm tired.

i've tried telling ex-roommate not to send me 'lovey' poems and such as i'm happy for her, but it only makes me feel worse, but she said i'm trying to put too many limits on what she can and can't say to me. And she was my best friend...so if she can't understand then i won't even try to go there with the work partner.

Depression makes my life insufferable b/c it is relentless. No matter how many times i try to beat it back....it keeps coming and brings more ammo with it each time. There is a reason the suicide rate is so high for bipolars and major depressives. The more i've learned about the illness(s) the more i've learned it's a never ending, always losing, battle.

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if you read that....i warned you....sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Once the illness gets us....our chemistry in our body changes and makes it easier for it to keep coming back, progressively worse.

not a pretty picture or future for someone who's only true wish is to be loved.

shutterbug

guy called yesterday after i text him something (trying to continue to talk myself into forgetting about him) and he was going after groceries and said he would call later.

he did...i'd gone to a bible study with mom at last minute....i was THAT bored and lonely...and he called while i was still there so i text him to tell him that and that i'd call when done.

i did and he'd just been given a giant pool table by a moving neighbor and i offered to come over and help him figure out where to put it and everything else. he said to come on over.

we moved it around and he decided on a spot so we played a cramped game of pool (there just really isn't enough room for it at his place). we sat down for a moment and talked for about 30 minutes and i was getting up to go as it was getting late....and as i went to walk by him he grabbed me and hugged me with a bear hug.

i kissed him on the top of his head and he asked if i would stay if i slept with my clothes on (much of our dating/relationship has been based on sex and two months ago i told him i'd fallen in love with him and since he's not wanting a relationship with me...that i was going to try and stay away from him). so he knew i wasn't wanting to be physical like that....but i also welcomed being cuddled so i said yes.

i'd fallen to sleep off an on and he woke me wanting more. i told him i couldn't and he asked if he could just hold me. i said yes and rolled over (he loves to cuddle...seriously). i quickly became emotional...asked what time it was and since i was 2:30 a.m. (and i had to be getting up for bootcamp around 4:30 a.m.) and i was starting to cry....i said i needed to go.

he got up with me...didn't try to stop me but walked me to the door and gave me a hug and told me to drive safe (always the perfect gentleman).

i couldn't even hardly look at him.....how can i be intimate with someone i'm in love with, who doesn't love me in the same way and who is very sexually active with others? I can't.

I did end up texting him today appologizing and saying i could explain.

he told me to stop apologizing for being human...and that he apologizes for "bringing about the situation" and saying he took advantage of my feelings.

And hour later i text to ask if he still wanted to be friends and hang out occasionally knowing that i can't be with him like that anymore.

He said, "That's cool with me."

Well....that broke my heart a little more to hear it all sound so simple and nonchalant to him. So i asked if he wanted to try to hang out as friends again tonight.

he said, "No. I want to be alone. Thank you though."

Well....even MORE broken heart ...and THAT i brought on myself b/c i knew better than to have asked if he wanted to hang out again after me leaving in the middle of the night crying over him wanting to physical.

So I wrote, "It's all been a bad idea on my part anyway...trying to chae an ounce of happiness where it could never be. Glad i met you but wish i hadn't. i hate love.

half hour later i sent, "I'll be moving soon and then you'll never have to put up with me ever again. sorry for being me and being stupid. i'm just a pathetic fat girl. The end."

well....he called as soon as he got that one. i was crying already when i answered. i told him it wasn't his fault, his problem and he didn't have to call me. he said he knew he didn't have to call me. and tried playing the 'don't worry, be happy' game with me....telling me things will get better and i just need to love myself and i'm not unlovable....bla, bla, bla,

heard all that a million times and it doesn't make anything any better in my life and never will.

he said i was being closed minded. i said no....i was just open minded for too long and it got me no where, but pain so this is the result....knowing when your life just sucks and always will.

I was watching my 3-month old god-child and my cell was only lasting to talk if i charged it in my car so i left the door open to hear the baby and stepped out to the car (only 5 feet from the front door). the baby started crying so i told him i had to go b/c of that and hung up.

That was around 4 p.m. and i've heard nothing else from him. i did however text him a couple of times since, stupidly.

I said:

"What's saddest is...i just want to give my all to someone and you want someone to give you their all. It could be near perfect if i were just a little lovable.

"That's what you don't understand is how serously unlovable i am. tht is my life's curse and why it's so unbearable.

"You will live your life and i will continue my search with no happy ending. and you are right. i closed my mind last year after one too many losses. although i came close to opening it back up because of you. but even slight open mind equals hurt for me. i must learn my lesson.

3 hours later i sent the final text:

"if i'm still here.... perhaps next month (because i tend to be able to leave him alone for about a month before i break and contact him again) you can help me figure out what's so unlovable about me....or else be mean to me so i can at least hate you or something."

-------
i seriously, stupidly am STILL wanting to text him!!! how freaking ridiculous is that!!!

i'm turning into a crazy, love-obsessed person....the kind i thought i left behind several years ago!

last month, i tried deleting his number from my entire phone. that worked....except there are cell phone logs and i looked it up and got his number off it the other day.

i don't want to have to trash my phone just to not have access to his number because of how weak i am to not be able to just leave the man alone!!! but it's starting to look like i may have to!!!

i'm so miserable that i texted another friend earlier asking what it might do to me if i took a bunch of visteril. i know that 2 of them lets me sleep pretty soundly and sleeping for several days or something sounded like a good idea.

obviously, that was just a momentary thought as it's after midnight and i'm still awake...but for a moment it's sounded tempting.....just to sleep thru a little of this misery.

shutterbug

Cindy....yes day treatment came to mind this evening again. actually the hospital did, but i hate to put my mom back thru that whole charade again....or myself actually. being in the hospital isn't difficult, but having to go to the ER first in order to get admitted into a psych ward is more than i want to deal with anytime soon.

so....i need to go to the city tomorrow to pick up a photo related item...if i can arrange it then i will see if they will give me an admittance interview at the day treatment center.

heck....at least there would be a plus.....being that would mean i haven't paid my $350/month COBRA premium for a year now for nothing! I'd actually get some use out of my health coverage before this year is over!

Jenna

p.s. just had an odd thought....when i was in junior high....i was briefly in the "Optimist's Club." A friend talked me into it b/c a boy i kinda liked was in it and they took day trips, etc.

funny...how my life has become the perfect "Pessimist's Club!"

shutterbug

I just read Least's thread and her post matches EXACTLY what i'm feeling now ...and most of the time so i wanted to quote it here.

shutterbug

this is why i keep coming back here....because it's the only place i always know i can find people who know how absolutely horrid it is to live this kind of life.

no one else can understand it except those who've lived it....and just knowing i'm not alone or knowing i'm not even more crazy for hating my life so much...helps a tiny bit.

sometimes all the 'un-mentally ill' people get to me too much with all their quotes of.... "just think positive", "be open minded", "give it time", "do something about it", "stop trying so hard and things will get better", "you just gotta love yourself first," etc...

it's all crap when it comes to this illness.
just as none of those things would help a cancer victim...
none of those things help depression victims either!!

cinderellawkids

You cant. Its seriously not healthy and causes/increases long term emotional issues.

Sweetie, he seriously is your addiction. I know because Ive been there so many times. Sometimes depression is more than just chemical and mental health, sometimes its emotional health, or lack of because of our situations, and actions all the way down to our childhood and when we work on that and feel the pain, some of the dark moments change.

I have this book I have to find it, I think you could relate to so many of the people it talks about in there. Its called Woman who love too much. Have you read it? Ill try to find it when I go through my garage next weekend and I can mail it to you, I think you will really like it.

Now, knowing how depression is, is there anything that would pick your mood up, even for a few minutes? For me its 10 minutes in the sun daily (actually thats a necessity) no sweets(although I miss them so much) and I try to force myself, when I cant think of climbing off the couch to exercise atleast 10 minutes 2 times a day. Are you regularly trying these things? Do walks through a park help, what about painting something beautiful?

When these fail for me, I go to comfort foods, which for me are fresh french fries or potato soup, but not to much or Im defeating the purpose and only making myself feel worse