zoomer

Over 4 years ago I had my last major manic attack. Ever sence then I have faithfully been taking my meds. The more "well" I get the more memories pop up of how crazy I was when I was in a mainic faze. I treated my ex husband like hell and put him through hell. Not saying living with him was stressful or hell it's self,but the majority of the crazy stuff was because of my being bi-polar. I sort of treat my recovery from bi-polar like i do my not drinking. Using the 12 steps for the process. Now I know drinking is different from bi-polar because of the different issues. I still feel guilt from some of the stuff I did while I was in a manic faze. Sometimes I feel that some of the stuff was not my fault because I'm bi-polar,but other times I feel like I could have had control over what I did. How do people deal with these feelings. Does anyone here ever feel guilty for some of the stuff they did while in a manic faze or depressive faze? I was wondering if I should make amends like I do in my 12 step recovery. I was in a messy divorce where my ex used my bi-polar against me. Funny though we where both heavy drinkers,but he did not use that against me. I'm still sort of hurt by the divorce being that he used something that I could not control until I was on medication against me. I had more moments being sane that I was being insane,but he made it out like I was insane all the time. So with that being said I was wondering if I owe him an amends. Do other people say I'm sorry for putting people through hell? We still see eachother everyday because we have kids in common and we get along,no fighting. I'm just afraid that If I say I'm sorry it will make him justify all the wrongs he did. I"m still sort of angry of how he went about the divorce. He never said he was sorry for the things he did in our marrage. So I was wondering if I should just let the feelings go being I could not help my bi-polar or is part of the recovery process for bi-polar is reconizing how crazy we where?

Silla

I see bipolar as a lifelong recovery. I am ashamed of some of the things I have done while manic but at the same time I can recognize that my judgement was severely compromised due to a chemical imbalance. I didn't ask for bipolar nor could I control a manic episode once it took hold.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. All you can do now is do your best to live a healthy lifestyle that will minimize your episodes in the future. At least for me, even with medication and proper food and sleep I still get breakthrough episodes. All I can do is be as self aware as I can and do what I need to to be healthy, or to get through the episode without too much damage.

It's so easy after the fact to tell yourself you should have been able to control it, but once you get past a certain point it's out of your control and you don't even realize it. Bipolar isn't your fault. It wasn't a choice, like a substance problem. You didn't decide to pick up bipolar. And it's not so easy as just not picking it back up again. You don't get to choose. It's not your fault and you can't control what it did to you in the past. All you have is today and today you can decide to take care of your illness as best you can. Be a little easier on yourself, it sounds like you're doing a good job taking care of yourself.

There's nothing wrong with apologizing for what happened, but you need to be okay with and forgive yourself just in case the person you're apologizing to doesn't. And if they don't, that still doesn't mean it's your fault.

I say keep going, you're doing well.

Kablume

I have to agree with Silla. Your story sounds so much like mine. My ex even went so far as to say to the court that I was going to commit suicide. I was at work the day he did that.

I have 2 children (not with him) so I guess he thought they would be taken away from me. But he did use my manic episodes against me and I would suppose he "won" in court.

I have come to the point where I have forgiven myself for whatever I perceive my part of the end of the marriage was. But I don't owe him anything. I owe myself a good, healthy, stable life which I am accomplishing finally after many years.

The only ones I feel sorry to are my parents and my children. But I show them by living my new life.

I wish you stability and happiness.

zoomer

Thanks for the replies! My poor kids saw me carted off to the hospital twice. They where young and hardly remember it,so they do not talk about it. I do try to avoid stressful situations,but with six kids it's hard LOL. I guess I have to work on forgiving myself. I have not really delt with being bi-polar. I go see a nurse practioner every 2 or 3 months that gives me scripts. She thinks I'm doing well other than that I don't really talk about my bi-polar excpet with my now husband who makes sure I talk my meds everyday so I do not have another attack. He is good about putting out my meds every morning so that i do not forget. If I was doing it my own, I'd probibly forget to take my meds everyday because I'm so busy. I go to school, work and take care of the kids half the time. My ex takes care of them too. I get them during the day and he takes care of them at night. I don't have the stress like I use to trying to be the perfect mom. My 23 year old son is bi-polar too except he does not want to take meds. We had to ask him to leave because his moods and attacks on us where too hard to handle. It was a hard thing to do and I still feel guilt,but he is a man now and has to figure out that following the DR. orders are essental in getting well. I saw so much of my mania in him when he was going through a manic faze and it triggered some of my symtoms. At anyrate I'm glad I do not have to put my children through any more of my crazyness,they deserve better.