dolce7dolore

I usually post over on the ACoA thread, but as I post there too much anyway and this might be more related to mental health this time... I thought I'd come here.

I now know where most of my problems stem from; my alcoholic parents. It helps me feel less like a freak, but it doesn't make anything less painful. So here's the thing. I have "friends" back home, who run whenever I mention anything touchy (very recently, and at the advice of my counselor, backfired). I have mere acquaintances here at college. I really have no friends, and that's the truth. I do have one friend, from high school, so that helps. It feels like a real relationship, but she's extremely Christian and would harshly judge me if I opened up to her. I've never been in a real relationship, at least not one that's lasted more than 3 weeks. I'm not a bad looking person, and I work out. My family members constantly ask and wonder why I don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to say "Look! I'll tell you when I finally get a boyfriend, or when a guy even notices me! Leave me alone about it." I mean, I try to understand why I am so undesirable, what the heck is so wrong with me, but I can't figure it out.

Anyway, enough of the pity party, and to the point. So far, all the self-help books, my counselor, etc., everyone, has told me that you can't just ignore your problems. I've always used distractions--music, playing piano, reading, now writing. It helps me to forget the pain. I can't possibly dwell on how alone I always feel, it'll eat me. I don't know what's healthy. I hope that one day I will meet people, I try to get out, be more social, but for now, I truly am alone. So what should I do? Constantly face that morbid pain? Or do I continue to use some means of escaping? Do I ignore things and hinder my recovery from my ACoA issues by escaping? I don't have a clue.

I'm so afraid to even tell my counselor things like this. We only talk about my parents. I mean, what's the point of talking about this? It doesn't change anything, just embarrasses me.

historyteach

dolce,
I'm not a counselor, but, it seems to me that these issues are connected.
Your parents are alcoholic and you have no relationships.
Those patters were set up early in life.

For example, was it embarrassing or hurtful for you to bring people home as a child?
Where you afraid of what your parents would say or do in a drunken state in front of childhood friends?
Or alternatively, where you not allowed to brings friends home as a child?

I think you *do* need to bring these issues up with your counselor. It's not about embarrassment. It's about getting to the root of your core problem. This is hurting you. It's interfering with the quality of your life. And that is exactly why we see counselors. Please do dig deeper and find the answers. A better quality of life awaits you.

Shalom!

Mattcake

Dolce,

Please, don't be embarassed by your feelings. They are natural and healthy. You have a right to feel them, and to express them in whatever way you can. Keep in mind that you should not be held accountable for other people's actions, including your parents': you are your own person, their mistakes are not your mistakes. There is nothing "wrong" with you.

I definitely agree with Teach, this is a situation that deserves your full attention, and trusting your counselor is probably the best way to go about it. If your friends seem to be unwilling to hear you out, don't blame yourself - again, don't feel responsible for other people's actions. Loneliness sucks, but sometimes it's a good thing, as it may help you decide who you are and what you want; being true to yourself is a gift.

In any case, don't escape the pain. The pain itself isn't morbid or freaky but, as you probably well know, our reaction to it is what may lead us into trouble such as addiction. I would encourage you to keep facing it, as you are already, and to seek out more solutions. Do it for yourself - you deserve it