BehindTheMask

Hello everyone, I just recently registered here. I found this site by following a link when I used google to search for something, and even now I dont know what quite to do.

Let me just explain myself, so maybe someone out there will understand whats happening to me. It's hard to write anything, i'm not quite sure what to write.

I'll try to explain whats happening to me, and then i'll give some backround of my past.

I feel like a chameleon, because I tend to not have a personality of my own. I emulate what I see in others, and what I watch on tv. I'm not who everyone believes I am, who I pretend to be. Deep down inside, I simply am not there, there's no one inside.

Im very good at acting, and lying. But in reality, I dislike/hate people, including family. I have a high sense of grandiosity and self worth, and generally feel that my needs are higher than those around me.

I look and dress like a normal, "cool" college student and if I'm at a party I can be the party favorite. I know how to talk to people and swoon them over easily, but underneath everything i'm doing is completely fake. Underneath, there's nothing there. Empty.

However no matter how good I am at interacting with people, I have zero friends. Not even one friend, i've tried but I don't see the point in friendship and generally lose interest in someone after about 3 weeks and cancel all contact with them. The only exception to this is my girlfriend

I have an attractive girlfriend, and I myself am goodlooking. We have been together for over 2 years, I have been lying and cheating on her for the entire time we've been together. Deep down inside she irritates me, and i sort of despise her but I deal with it, mostly because it fills the time when I feel like being around someone.

She believes i'm someone i'm not. The name she knows me as is not my original name, both first and last. Even my entire family history i've told her is false, even my ethnic backround. She's not dating the real me, she's dating a made-up person that I created. Just about every acquaintance I have knows me by another false name and false identity, but even looking at it now I logically know something is wrong, but I cant seem to stop and it's very easy to live the random lies.

When I met my recent gf, she was a virgin. very innocent, and barely had gotten her first kiss a month before meeting me. I have completely taken away all decency from her, and have manipulated her into doing almost anything I want. I first took control during the 5th month of our relationship; I created an online persona, and began talking to her through an online social network and an online chat program, used the persona to start to like me and got her to agree to meet this other person. After doing that I pretended, as myself, to find out that she had planed to cheat on me with some guy (who was actually me). She was devastated and told me she'd do anything to have me back, so ever since then I've basically treated her like crap, and I am generally mean to her but she takes it.

I have also talked to into threesomes with other people, and foursomes/couples. Since I dont really love her, it doesnt bother me when we have a threesome, i've even encouraged her to have random, yet safe, sex with guys she finds attractive. It doesnt bother me, in fact I enjoy it since she used to be very much the girl next door and a virgin. I can't help but enjoy sexually deviant things, most normal sex doesn't do anything for me.

There's alot more, I just can't think of anything more. Maybe later. Now onto some history, which I can barely rememeber:


I grew up very poor and my father was never around, and my mother was a drug addict and achoholic (it should be known that I do not drink, have not done drugs and have never been adicted to any substance abuse).

Most weeks we me and my brother and sister didnt have anything to eat, and the environment of the household was extremely gross; dirty clothes everwhere from what i remember, dog feces in parts of the house from the pet we had, roach infestion to an over the extreme level, dishes in the sink were disgusting and the water overflowed with rotten pieces of food floating. The list goes on, everything was disgusting, everything was dirty, and my mother was usually on drugs.

I don't hardly remember much past the age of 12, other than what i've just written. Only bits and pieces. I know that at some point early in childhood I was placed in foster care, I dont even know how old I was, it's just one flash.
I remember my mother being pushed through a screen down, falling on me by one of her boyfriends. And I remember vaguely being abused, beaten, by one of her boyfriends. The last memory I have is that one time my actual father came around during Christmas, bought me and my siblings toys, they were wrapped, and they were all under the Christmas tree. However, when Christmas day came, they were all gone; He had taken them back and returned them al while we were all sleeping, and then left again for another year or so. This was a continual occurrence with him.

me and my family basically lived like animals, for a time we were even homeless, living in an abandoned building. I remember feeling ashamed, dirty, and I had a general disgust for everything around me.

Thats about all I actually know of my childhood, beyond that I have no idea who I am and have absolutely no self identity. I've even changed my legal name and have forced my family to call me the new name, it's not hard for me since I have no self identity.

beyond the age of 13 becomes more clear to me. The rest is irrelevant, at 16 I moved away from home with my ex, she was 10 years older than myself and I had broken up her marriage, she was 26. I was with her for about 6 years, but treated her very badly, almost the same as my current gf, the same activities and whatnot.


Thats about it for now on that, if I think of more on this aswell i'll write more, there's more on both that what scratches the surface


I do not have thoughts of suicide, but quite often I do have fantasies about murdering my father, and a few other people that have made me very angry. Sometimes, it's all I think about at night; the different ways in how to kill them, or torture.

I feel like something is missing inside of me, something very wrong is going on inside of myself, and I suppose I'm writing this for some sign, i'm not too sure.

If you have questions, please ask me. I'l answer anything short of compromising my identity. Also I am looking for insight, and direction.

BehindTheMask

Just as an addition I realize that anybody reading and interpreting my thread will subconsciously try to fit me in a category based on what i've written about myself, so allow me to make a few things clear that might help in your evaluation. It might help.

I dress very normal, and I do not wear black shirts with random heavy metal bands nor do I worship the devil. I look like a very typical college student. more on the GQ style of clothing. And the music I listen to is very normal, just about what everyone else listens to since it's easier to fit in the way. Typical alternative rock, and some popular 80's. And aside from never having completing high school, and ever even attending school at all in the past, I am quite smart.

roughly about 3 yrs ago I moved back to the state in which I now reside, and studied math for about a month. I didnt know how to multiply double digits and did not know anything about fractions, or decimals. After about a month of self study I took the GED and passed, then went to a community college and tested into college level English and algebra. I have a very high GPA, and am an honors student. So even though I grew up like a savage, and underneath I'm practically a monster, i'm not mentally lacking.

historyteach

It's clear you've had a horendous background.
I'm sorry.

Have you gone to a counselor? The community college you attend should have counselors on campus. Please do go see one and talk to them. You need help. You are not living a full life. And you have a right to live one. Until your background is worked through, it's doubtful that you'll be able to.

I hope you'll make an appointment soon. You deserve much more than you're giving yourself.

Shalom!

BehindTheMask

Well I havn't done much counselor wise. However, last semester I had only what I can describe as a physical and mental breakdown, and ever since then I havn't been able to put myself on track with school. It's about the only thing that matters to me, which is why i'm trying to figure out how to fix that.

I went to the school counselor, and she was completely unhelpful. It seemed sort of as if we were talking to completely different languages, and she said that I might have Bipolar disorder, I cant be sure. I've been to the county mental health center due to its low cost, and again the psychiatrist gave me bipolar medicine. I've googled Bipolar disorder, and I hardly have any of those symptoms. Most of what you read above is a sort of quick insight into whats going on, and based on what bipolar is i'm not sure if the shoe fits.

I'd like to live a normal life, and i'd like to be able to love my gf, but everytime it comes down to it I just don't. I've been trying to make a conscious effort however to be nice and sweet/sly with her, but it's an act and I always feel myself on the verge of extreme irritation when I talk to her and am around her. I'm not quite sure if it's possible that I can love her, or anybody including family.

Morning Glory

BehindTheMask

I would suggest seeking out a trauma specialist who will understand all that you've described about what you're going through. In my experience normal counselors don't have a clue.

Check out these links and see if you can relate to any of it.

Dissociative Disorders-What you need to know-FAQs

NIMH · Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, A Real Illness · Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

desertdonna

BTM,

You might also do a search on "personality disorders." Please seek out someone with the proper expertise to help you.

BehindTheMask

I did a search on personality disorders today, and found some striking similarities.

However it looks like none of it is really curable, so it's sort of good news bad news.

According to the DSM criteria thats listed on these disorders I find that I have just about 100% similarity with Narsissitic personality disorder, dissocial personality, and a link from that on psychopathy. I thought psychopaths were mass murderers, but according to what I read it would appear on paper that I am all of the above.

Anti-social personality is almost identical, however I dont get involved with the law or any trouble like that. I have a lot of control of myself, and I havn't had problems with substance abuse.


Even if I happen to have one or all of these disroders, which im not sure is possible, what does that do? It doesn't change anything, i'm still having serious problems that I can't seem to control, and i'm not sure attaching a label to what's happening will help any.

As time goes on my problems are getting worse, and I feel like i'm becoming more and more less human as time passes on. I feel like I'm becoming dangerous and detached, and the thing is I feel like I'm living in my head because everyone around me, including the psychiatrist I went to, doesn't see me for what I really am.

I would do it on my own, but everything i've done in the past to remain in control of my impulses, my life, and to just remain in control in general isn't working.

I already saw the doctor/psychiatrist/ whatever he was on the 12th of this month. I tried to explain everything that was going on, and now I feel like there's not much else I can do. He saw me for about 30 minutes, scratched his head in a confused manner and prescribed me some medicine called Depakote, which has nothing to do that will help since it helps to ease manic stages.

historyteach

Print out what you have written and read on the above posts.
If one doc doesn't listen, ask to see the superviser of the agency or get another. Get in contact with NAMI. See if they have a local nearby. I know it's not easy. But, you do have rights.

You are right; the label itself does nothing. The label only helps in deciding which way to treat and for insurance purposes.

I wish you the best. Don't give up. And keep us informed.
If you feel you are a danger to yourself or others, call your local emergency number. You will be hospitalized until you are safe. And while you're there, that's a good time for a full evaluation, too.

Shalom!

BehindTheMask

Well the reason I havn't disclosed the fact that I do want to hurt other people is because I don't want to be hospitalized, i don't want it going on any records, plus i'm trying to hold down my part time job with my winter session class right now.

what do they do when they hold you captive? Do I get a record attached to my name, because i'd rather stay out of the limelight in that respect. Plus I dont want to be held against my will and under the control of some agency or the police.

BehindTheMask

I also can not afford hospital bills, and if I get slapped with any I wont pay it either which will put me in more debt than I already am in.

I'd rather avoid in entirely.

bugsworth

Behind the mask...maybe it is time to not worry about being held against your will or any social stigma that may be attached to you. Indeed you need help...hell we all need some help, but you are deliberately hurting your girlfriend. I hope for her sake you let her go to live her life...undoubtably she deserves better.

Morning Glory

I've known those with narcissistic and anti social personalities that would never be on a forum concerned about their behavior. The fact that you are here questioning all this is very hopeful.

Phychiatric records are extremely confidential. Many of us here have been hospitilized including myself. It hasn't had any adverse effect on my life. It will if you want to work for the government, police dept, or become a fighter pilot, etc.... Taking an anti-depressant will block those careers for anyone.

If you are having a difficult time controlling your urges and end up hurting someone you will end up in a filthy, dangerous, prison cell for a very long time. I would take a hospital any time over that option.

A psychiatrist will only treat you with medication. That's what they do. A trauma specialist or other therapist who specializes in trauma, personality disorders, OCD, etc.. will have a better understanding of how to help you.

Do some research and find one. Do what it takes to pay for it.

I can send you a name right now.

BehindTheMask

Morning Glory,

It seems as though most people who have those type of disorders don't seem to acknowledged that they have them. I typically don't like to think anything is wrong, and to be honest I usually like feeling the way I do; I'm not sure I can comprehend on how to be if I wasn't like this.

It's not very fulfilling though, something is deffinately missing. I've never sought any answers or help before, but now that everything is getting alot worse, like my academic progress. I'm not sure if these symptoms get worse over time for people, but mine seem to be progressively getting worse, and almost every aspect of my hidden personality is getting harder and harder to hide, im not able to control certain urges anymore.

Send me that name if you'd like, I will look into it.

To be honest i'm not even sure why i'm on these boards or going to the county mental health recently, everytime I sit down and think about this logically I can't seem to see how it can be fixed.

Morning Glory

I will get you the name tomorrow and send it in a Private Message.

There are many things about myself that I feel can't be fixed. I have a really bad brain from past abuse. My nervous system is damaged from too much trauma. I've learned to cope with it though and many things have been healed. When I was your age I was a total disaster and felt so hopeless. I have complex PTSD. Some symptoms I have get worse instead of better. Others are not there now. There have been times when I was so detached I couldn't tell if I was dead or alive. I was not a likely candidate to get better, but I did. I had blocked repressed memories from terrible abuse. When I started remembering I started to get better. Before I remembered I was in a state of panic and had a couple of nervous break downs myself.

We can't diagnose you and you really can't diagnose yourself. We learn to cope with abuse as children in the only way we can. Becoming totally detached and disconnected is one way to cope and our various coping methods kept us alive as children. They just don't work as adults. The anger and rage you feel is probably valid. You just need to find healthy ways of coping with it and work through it and the pain that you might not be aware of. In my experience great pain is usually underneath all that anger.

If you feel like you are going to harm someone and can't control it call 911. A hospital is much better than jail and much better than harming someone.