Am I just too sensitve?
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
Am I just too sensitve?
I know I am a sensitive person, and that can be difficult for others at time.
Yesterday my dad came for a short visit (he is currently in an impatient rehab unit, however he is allowed short day passes as he is completing he 30 days this week). Now, my dad and I began having a real relationship just a few years ago. I say real because prior to that we didn't really have any kind of relationship....went years with no contact and just really didn't know each other because of his years and years of drinking.
Both my dad and I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. One of the things he began teasing me about, right away was my weight. I am not a perfect size anything, but for the most part it doesn't bother me. But this really did, especially coming from a parent. So we made a deal- he wouldn't joke or tease me about my weight, and I would do the same about not teasing him about being bald, which was always a sore subject with him. Seems like a fair compremise, right?
My dad still gives teases me about my weight, and usually I remind him of our "deal". Yesterday, after not seeing him or talking to him in over a week, I was happy to see him. He seemed more interested in fixing his jeep then he did to see me. Whatever, fine, that is my "rejection" issues and I need to deal with it.
Then I was talking to someone about MY dog, not his, and they asked what kind of dog he is. I said "A mix, a fat and lazy mutt". My dad then says, "Just like his family". Hello! If he is my dog, then who is his family?
This was like a knife to my heart. I realize he was "just joking", but I spent most of yesterday crying after he left. I realize I should say something to him, but he will then say what he always does, "I was just joking, don't be so sensitive" and he won't take it seriously. I have tried so many ways to tell him that it hurts me when he jokes like he does, even sitting him down and explaining seriously why it bothers me. But it doesn't change.
Am I just being to sensitive about this? Is it unfair of me to expect a parent to "be nice" to their child? Am I just too emotional?
I had such a bad day yesterday, and after his stupid comment, I had one of the toughest evenings and nights I have had in a very very long time. Even now it still makes me want to cry thinking about how everything I have done to help him, everything I have accomplished in my life, and that is the one thing he chooses to point out about my life.
Yesterday my dad came for a short visit (he is currently in an impatient rehab unit, however he is allowed short day passes as he is completing he 30 days this week). Now, my dad and I began having a real relationship just a few years ago. I say real because prior to that we didn't really have any kind of relationship....went years with no contact and just really didn't know each other because of his years and years of drinking.
Both my dad and I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. One of the things he began teasing me about, right away was my weight. I am not a perfect size anything, but for the most part it doesn't bother me. But this really did, especially coming from a parent. So we made a deal- he wouldn't joke or tease me about my weight, and I would do the same about not teasing him about being bald, which was always a sore subject with him. Seems like a fair compremise, right?
My dad still gives teases me about my weight, and usually I remind him of our "deal". Yesterday, after not seeing him or talking to him in over a week, I was happy to see him. He seemed more interested in fixing his jeep then he did to see me. Whatever, fine, that is my "rejection" issues and I need to deal with it.
Then I was talking to someone about MY dog, not his, and they asked what kind of dog he is. I said "A mix, a fat and lazy mutt". My dad then says, "Just like his family". Hello! If he is my dog, then who is his family?
This was like a knife to my heart. I realize he was "just joking", but I spent most of yesterday crying after he left. I realize I should say something to him, but he will then say what he always does, "I was just joking, don't be so sensitive" and he won't take it seriously. I have tried so many ways to tell him that it hurts me when he jokes like he does, even sitting him down and explaining seriously why it bothers me. But it doesn't change.
Am I just being to sensitive about this? Is it unfair of me to expect a parent to "be nice" to their child? Am I just too emotional?
I had such a bad day yesterday, and after his stupid comment, I had one of the toughest evenings and nights I have had in a very very long time. Even now it still makes me want to cry thinking about how everything I have done to help him, everything I have accomplished in my life, and that is the one thing he chooses to point out about my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 780
((((Ranae))))
I know it is much more to practice this than to actually do it, but...
think this:
"I am independent of the "good" opinions of others. It is none of my business
what other people think of me.
What I am trying to say is, he knows how to get to you. It hasn't worked by having a heart to heart with him so he isn't going to change, so...change you! The next time he makes a remark say to yourself that it's his problem not yours. He is the one who has to make himself feel superior by belittling you and making a rude comment. In other words, it's him, not you.
You are as perfect and as whole as you were created, and don't allow anyone tell you otherwise. Believe it because you are.
I wish you the best, and being sensitive is wonderful, as long as you use your sensitivity for the betterment of you.
I know it is much more to practice this than to actually do it, but...
think this:
"I am independent of the "good" opinions of others. It is none of my business
what other people think of me.
What I am trying to say is, he knows how to get to you. It hasn't worked by having a heart to heart with him so he isn't going to change, so...change you! The next time he makes a remark say to yourself that it's his problem not yours. He is the one who has to make himself feel superior by belittling you and making a rude comment. In other words, it's him, not you.
You are as perfect and as whole as you were created, and don't allow anyone tell you otherwise. Believe it because you are.
I wish you the best, and being sensitive is wonderful, as long as you use your sensitivity for the betterment of you.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
hi...sounds very parallel to my relationship with my own father who I recently cut off from my life - again!
I think it's the alcoholism...actually, I'm most positive about it. The last time I spoke to him, I was attempting to give him another chance from the last time he had hurt me very badly. A story much like yours, except mine involved my ex (and a friend of his) who was nearly the end of me...and who I was obsessingly in love with. My father knows more than most how hard of a time I had pulling myself away from.
Now, on more than one occation...my dad has continued to tell me stories about what my ex has been up to (or what his girlfriend, the other woman in my story, has been doing). Time after time, I have politely asked him not to talk about these 2 people around me...it's too painful and makes me want to run back to him.
Well...this last time, I asked my dad repeatedly in the same few minutes of time and he blatently ignored me and continued as if not too care (but I know his alcoholic mind is so diseased that he truely wasn't even aware of what I had said to him -- he's too wrapped up in his self and HIS life to listen to anyone else). Anyway, it hurt very bad. And I said I was going to leave. Mind you , I didn't mention anything or let on how upset I was. Well, he said he'd walk me out. In conversation, he began bringing up issues from when I was a teenager that he had with another ex...and how wrong "I" was and still am....blah, blah, blah....
He was oblivious to ANYTHING i was saying to him and I had enough and went off on him, jumped in my car and told him to F OFF!!!
That was about 6 months ago....he still hasn't appojized, but instead handed me a letter one day in passing that basically said I was the one still wrong.
No time...I have NO time to put up with people like this...I don't care who they are. I am much better without the black clouds of drama my dad brings into my life.
With your father...well, he may be sober, but he will always be an alcoholic with all the ism's of a non-sober one unless he works VERY hard to overcome those ism's.
My best advice to you is call up your local AA groups and ask them to refer you to some Alanon meetings...then go to them as many times a week as you possibly can. Not only to learn how to deal with your father's disease, but to learn how to deal with the co-dependency issues his drinking has caused to develop in you throughout your life.
Through Alanon, I learned that ALL my relationships (past and present) suffered from my family's drinking histories. But mostly, I learned that "I" was suffering. Now, I refuse to suffer at the hands of alcholism no more!
In short, No, absolutely not. You are NOT being overly sensative. Those comments are just an alcholics way of taking the blame off himself and putting it onto you (falsly).
NO ONE EVER HAS A RIGHT TO COMMENT ABOUT YOUR BODY!!! Your body is absolutely NONE of their business!
Pulling myself out of my father's toxic life has lightened my load a great deal...even witht he guilt trips from family members and all...it's so much easier being happy and healthy (and being me) without him making me feel worthless.
sorry for the rant...touchy subject for me...I just wanted you to know that I've been there too and it's not fun, but that we each are responsible for placing boundries on what we will put up with (and what we won't) from the people in our lives.
Look at it this way: If the person truely cares about us then they will listen to our requests and respect our boundries. If they continue hurting us even after we have pointed out their actions or words...then they arn't worth our time, love and energy. Better to give it to those who will cherish it than those who toss it aside as it suits them.
Love yourself and expect the same from everyone else in your life.
I think it's the alcoholism...actually, I'm most positive about it. The last time I spoke to him, I was attempting to give him another chance from the last time he had hurt me very badly. A story much like yours, except mine involved my ex (and a friend of his) who was nearly the end of me...and who I was obsessingly in love with. My father knows more than most how hard of a time I had pulling myself away from.
Now, on more than one occation...my dad has continued to tell me stories about what my ex has been up to (or what his girlfriend, the other woman in my story, has been doing). Time after time, I have politely asked him not to talk about these 2 people around me...it's too painful and makes me want to run back to him.
Well...this last time, I asked my dad repeatedly in the same few minutes of time and he blatently ignored me and continued as if not too care (but I know his alcoholic mind is so diseased that he truely wasn't even aware of what I had said to him -- he's too wrapped up in his self and HIS life to listen to anyone else). Anyway, it hurt very bad. And I said I was going to leave. Mind you , I didn't mention anything or let on how upset I was. Well, he said he'd walk me out. In conversation, he began bringing up issues from when I was a teenager that he had with another ex...and how wrong "I" was and still am....blah, blah, blah....
He was oblivious to ANYTHING i was saying to him and I had enough and went off on him, jumped in my car and told him to F OFF!!!
That was about 6 months ago....he still hasn't appojized, but instead handed me a letter one day in passing that basically said I was the one still wrong.
No time...I have NO time to put up with people like this...I don't care who they are. I am much better without the black clouds of drama my dad brings into my life.
With your father...well, he may be sober, but he will always be an alcoholic with all the ism's of a non-sober one unless he works VERY hard to overcome those ism's.
My best advice to you is call up your local AA groups and ask them to refer you to some Alanon meetings...then go to them as many times a week as you possibly can. Not only to learn how to deal with your father's disease, but to learn how to deal with the co-dependency issues his drinking has caused to develop in you throughout your life.
Through Alanon, I learned that ALL my relationships (past and present) suffered from my family's drinking histories. But mostly, I learned that "I" was suffering. Now, I refuse to suffer at the hands of alcholism no more!
In short, No, absolutely not. You are NOT being overly sensative. Those comments are just an alcholics way of taking the blame off himself and putting it onto you (falsly).
NO ONE EVER HAS A RIGHT TO COMMENT ABOUT YOUR BODY!!! Your body is absolutely NONE of their business!
Pulling myself out of my father's toxic life has lightened my load a great deal...even witht he guilt trips from family members and all...it's so much easier being happy and healthy (and being me) without him making me feel worthless.
sorry for the rant...touchy subject for me...I just wanted you to know that I've been there too and it's not fun, but that we each are responsible for placing boundries on what we will put up with (and what we won't) from the people in our lives.
Look at it this way: If the person truely cares about us then they will listen to our requests and respect our boundries. If they continue hurting us even after we have pointed out their actions or words...then they arn't worth our time, love and energy. Better to give it to those who will cherish it than those who toss it aside as it suits them.
Love yourself and expect the same from everyone else in your life.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Ranae;
Here's a link to a really useful peice of information, posted by MG; Many of us are Highly Sensitive People. Knowing that helps begin the process to overcome the ultra sensitivity.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eople-hsp.html
And here's some information I just found. I hope it helps. We CAN build our resilience to deal more effectively with life's stressors.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...esilience.html
I wish you well...
Shalom!
Here's a link to a really useful peice of information, posted by MG; Many of us are Highly Sensitive People. Knowing that helps begin the process to overcome the ultra sensitivity.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eople-hsp.html
And here's some information I just found. I hope it helps. We CAN build our resilience to deal more effectively with life's stressors.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...esilience.html
I wish you well...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
Hm. Activating event (A): dad makes a remark about your mutt race doggie Consequenses (C): you feel like crap, depressed.
Now the trick is to find the irrational beliefs (B) coming with the A, dispute them (D) and establish some new effective beliefs. (E)
Marte
Now the trick is to find the irrational beliefs (B) coming with the A, dispute them (D) and establish some new effective beliefs. (E)
Marte
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
thank you everyone for the good advice and kind words.
i know i need to work on not letting his comments bother me so much. it's just hard sometimes, especially when he says things in front of other people. i don't know if his comments have anything to do with his alcoholism or his self esteem, like i said he has a very sarcastic sense of humor, his whole family does, however he is the only one to make jokes about my weight.
historyteach- that article about senstive people explains so much about me! i have never really know how to explain it to people about how i need quiet "alone" time to recover from my day or a stressful situtation. even the thing about sounds- driving in town really irrates me sometimes because of the loud trucks and traffic sounds.
BSP- sounds like a difficult math problem!
anyhow today is a new day, and i am feeling a bit better. at least not crying when i think about being "fat and lazy".
i know i need to work on not letting his comments bother me so much. it's just hard sometimes, especially when he says things in front of other people. i don't know if his comments have anything to do with his alcoholism or his self esteem, like i said he has a very sarcastic sense of humor, his whole family does, however he is the only one to make jokes about my weight.
historyteach- that article about senstive people explains so much about me! i have never really know how to explain it to people about how i need quiet "alone" time to recover from my day or a stressful situtation. even the thing about sounds- driving in town really irrates me sometimes because of the loud trucks and traffic sounds.
BSP- sounds like a difficult math problem!
anyhow today is a new day, and i am feeling a bit better. at least not crying when i think about being "fat and lazy".
Obsessed Pug Momma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Probably at Wal-Mart
Posts: 1,331
Hi ranae,
The way you describe it, it does not sound like he believes what he said or that he meant to hurt you in any way. I hope that makes it less painful. Still, I agree that he should respect your feelings and your wishes on the subject. I have gained a lot of weight this year and a lot of people comment on it. It has been very hurtful, even though I don't believe they meant to hurt me. If an enemy made the same comment and I believed it to be deliberately hurtful, that takes it to a whole new level of pain. A few months ago I ended a friendship with someone who repeatedly disrespected my wishes. I used to be very close to her. It has been very hard to stay away from her and sometimes I contemplate patching things up, but I know that would be futile. She seems unwilling to change her ways and I have grown strong enough to not put up with it. I deserve better and you do too. I'm not suggesting you go to the extreme of cutting him out of your life. It might help if you look for other options, like immediately walking out of the room or ending your conversation with him for the rest of the day, or asking him to leave each time he acts like this. Sometimes adults have to be taught just like children that their bad behavior will not slide by without consequences.
The way you describe it, it does not sound like he believes what he said or that he meant to hurt you in any way. I hope that makes it less painful. Still, I agree that he should respect your feelings and your wishes on the subject. I have gained a lot of weight this year and a lot of people comment on it. It has been very hurtful, even though I don't believe they meant to hurt me. If an enemy made the same comment and I believed it to be deliberately hurtful, that takes it to a whole new level of pain. A few months ago I ended a friendship with someone who repeatedly disrespected my wishes. I used to be very close to her. It has been very hard to stay away from her and sometimes I contemplate patching things up, but I know that would be futile. She seems unwilling to change her ways and I have grown strong enough to not put up with it. I deserve better and you do too. I'm not suggesting you go to the extreme of cutting him out of your life. It might help if you look for other options, like immediately walking out of the room or ending your conversation with him for the rest of the day, or asking him to leave each time he acts like this. Sometimes adults have to be taught just like children that their bad behavior will not slide by without consequences.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hi Ranae,
I have this problem too. It used to be very difficult, but then I realized at time I was walking through life like a hurt animal. I also noticed that the more I was down, the more people picked on me.
I learned a good trick from Adult Children of Alcoholics. Maybe it will benefit you too. The thing is to actively "choose". Think: I choose to let this person hurt me. Why? What does that remark say about him? What does it say about me?
When you think of it that way, it may change in your mind.
I agree with Daydream. People who donīt nourish us have nothing to do in our lives. I also stay away from people who hurt me. I find it different with family members. I tend to think: We donīt choose our parents (not our children either for that matter) and I find it very brave of you to reconnect with your father. I did that with mine and we love each other now to bits.
He also makes remarks I sometimes donīt like, for instance: "Unflattering dress. A dead guy wouldnīt look at you." Or "The way you spoil this kid is making her another juvenile delinguent in this family." It doesnīt really hurt me anymore. Itīs my father and he is old and allowed some sillyness. In essence: I donīt take him seriously. But it took some time to get there.
Love and light,
I have this problem too. It used to be very difficult, but then I realized at time I was walking through life like a hurt animal. I also noticed that the more I was down, the more people picked on me.
I learned a good trick from Adult Children of Alcoholics. Maybe it will benefit you too. The thing is to actively "choose". Think: I choose to let this person hurt me. Why? What does that remark say about him? What does it say about me?
When you think of it that way, it may change in your mind.
I agree with Daydream. People who donīt nourish us have nothing to do in our lives. I also stay away from people who hurt me. I find it different with family members. I tend to think: We donīt choose our parents (not our children either for that matter) and I find it very brave of you to reconnect with your father. I did that with mine and we love each other now to bits.
He also makes remarks I sometimes donīt like, for instance: "Unflattering dress. A dead guy wouldnīt look at you." Or "The way you spoil this kid is making her another juvenile delinguent in this family." It doesnīt really hurt me anymore. Itīs my father and he is old and allowed some sillyness. In essence: I donīt take him seriously. But it took some time to get there.
Love and light,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ranae,
I just plain do not like sarcasm. It isn't funny. It does hurt. It is cruel. It is not a form of humor. Many people do not understand that.
Just wondering aloud here...could you memorize some good one liner real jokes that are funny. Tell him a couple, make both of you laugh....and teach the difference? Or at least use it to defuse the moment?
hugs!
I just plain do not like sarcasm. It isn't funny. It does hurt. It is cruel. It is not a form of humor. Many people do not understand that.
Just wondering aloud here...could you memorize some good one liner real jokes that are funny. Tell him a couple, make both of you laugh....and teach the difference? Or at least use it to defuse the moment?
hugs!
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