It Takes Two To Tango
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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It Takes Two To Tango
After lurking for a while I wanted to ask for some help and advice because I can’t seem to enact the advice recommended and wanted to see what I can do that might help.
Situation:
My husband smokes MJ daily and considers it a spiritual experience. I smoke daily so I can spend time with him and so I can take the edge off myself and my ADHD. What started as a weekend thing that we only did on certain dates has morphed substantially over the last few years with my husband becoming very interested in growing his own plants. We live in a place where that’s not legal. In the beginning he didn’t care about getting caught and grew 5 plants in our back garden, despite our neighbours being able to see the plants and smell the smoking. We have since moved and he grew 6 plants again this year but at least put it in a greenhouse. This means that there is always weed and paraphernalia in the house. He/We smoke indoors in a back room because the neighbours are much closer now than before. That means all the anxiety about smells etc is a daily issue when people knock at the door. My husband also doesn’t know when to stop when he drinks alcohol and for years and years comes home in very bad states. This goes from being loud and obnoxious, to being found face down on the ground and nights where I have had to sleep on the floor trying to get vomit out of his unconscious mouth. In my opinion, he has an insatiable hunger for getting out of his head. He thinks he is just enjoying himself and that he deserves it. Day to day he works very hard at his own business which is going well. He has also stopped being high when working which has lowered my anxiety about him being found out. He feels that the joint is the reward for the day, the drink with his buddies is because “it’s Christmas” etc but now that he has made it a spiritual experience it’s impossible to have a rational conversation about moderation. On the very few times he has tried to go more than 1 day without smoking he drinks instead and is back on weed within 3 days max. So it’s either alcohol or weed…… My husband has a group of friends from home but few friends where we live now. He plays football once a week which is his new source of emergency weed and can even come home baked from football!
For me, I know that MJ sucks my motivation, makes me lazy and has badly affected my memory. I have done a few experiments where I stop for maybe a week/ten days or so and feel amazing and get back the motivation/quick mind etc but the lure of a reward is still very very strong and I go backwards. I have dreams (like we all do I’m sure) of being able to control smoking so I could enjoy it every full moon or one weekend a month etc but it always spirals back to daily surprisingly quickly. Anyway long story short - I know I need to stop. The challenge I am having is the following:
1 – My husband will still smoke every day – How do I manage this without resenting him and giving in, like all the other times?
2 – I don’t have any hobbies as my focus is my own work (I run my own business) and I don’t enjoy the gym so I am struggling to replace MJ with something else. What does everyone else do day in day out that helps with filling in the time?
Thanks for any comments or suggestions!
Situation:
My husband smokes MJ daily and considers it a spiritual experience. I smoke daily so I can spend time with him and so I can take the edge off myself and my ADHD. What started as a weekend thing that we only did on certain dates has morphed substantially over the last few years with my husband becoming very interested in growing his own plants. We live in a place where that’s not legal. In the beginning he didn’t care about getting caught and grew 5 plants in our back garden, despite our neighbours being able to see the plants and smell the smoking. We have since moved and he grew 6 plants again this year but at least put it in a greenhouse. This means that there is always weed and paraphernalia in the house. He/We smoke indoors in a back room because the neighbours are much closer now than before. That means all the anxiety about smells etc is a daily issue when people knock at the door. My husband also doesn’t know when to stop when he drinks alcohol and for years and years comes home in very bad states. This goes from being loud and obnoxious, to being found face down on the ground and nights where I have had to sleep on the floor trying to get vomit out of his unconscious mouth. In my opinion, he has an insatiable hunger for getting out of his head. He thinks he is just enjoying himself and that he deserves it. Day to day he works very hard at his own business which is going well. He has also stopped being high when working which has lowered my anxiety about him being found out. He feels that the joint is the reward for the day, the drink with his buddies is because “it’s Christmas” etc but now that he has made it a spiritual experience it’s impossible to have a rational conversation about moderation. On the very few times he has tried to go more than 1 day without smoking he drinks instead and is back on weed within 3 days max. So it’s either alcohol or weed…… My husband has a group of friends from home but few friends where we live now. He plays football once a week which is his new source of emergency weed and can even come home baked from football!
For me, I know that MJ sucks my motivation, makes me lazy and has badly affected my memory. I have done a few experiments where I stop for maybe a week/ten days or so and feel amazing and get back the motivation/quick mind etc but the lure of a reward is still very very strong and I go backwards. I have dreams (like we all do I’m sure) of being able to control smoking so I could enjoy it every full moon or one weekend a month etc but it always spirals back to daily surprisingly quickly. Anyway long story short - I know I need to stop. The challenge I am having is the following:
1 – My husband will still smoke every day – How do I manage this without resenting him and giving in, like all the other times?
2 – I don’t have any hobbies as my focus is my own work (I run my own business) and I don’t enjoy the gym so I am struggling to replace MJ with something else. What does everyone else do day in day out that helps with filling in the time?
Thanks for any comments or suggestions!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Let me be the first one to welcome you to this place 
Your story is a hard one to comment on. I would have been very vunerable if I was around someone who smoked while I tried to quit. I can only recommend to look at yourself and the fact that weed isn't working for you on a daily basis. There are people on this forum who managed to quit while their partners continued drinking / smoking and I have the greatest respect for them.
I can imagine that you have some worries about the stress it will put on your relationship with your husband and while I'd like to have more encouraging words for you, I am afraid those worries are legit. At least in my book they are. Maybe other people have different experiences and say more encouraging things. I'm sorry I cannot give you a better advice.
I have no time to say something about hobbies, so that's for the next post.
Your story is a hard one to comment on. I would have been very vunerable if I was around someone who smoked while I tried to quit. I can only recommend to look at yourself and the fact that weed isn't working for you on a daily basis. There are people on this forum who managed to quit while their partners continued drinking / smoking and I have the greatest respect for them.
I can imagine that you have some worries about the stress it will put on your relationship with your husband and while I'd like to have more encouraging words for you, I am afraid those worries are legit. At least in my book they are. Maybe other people have different experiences and say more encouraging things. I'm sorry I cannot give you a better advice.
I have no time to say something about hobbies, so that's for the next post.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Many thanks for your quick response and the welcome @Flying DutchMan!
Yes you are spot on that I need to focus on myself and that is the one thing that I am crystal clear on. As you astutely pointed out, I am concerned for both; how it's possible to stop while he still continues and how it will affect us and our life. I have considered this before and feel that it's something I can face if needed (the practicalities at least) but it's certainly not the outcome I want. It's comforting to hear that there are those who have managed to stop whilst their partner continues, although I wonder if their "why" for taking that step was greater than my own and I wonder how successful their relationships are after a few years. I prefer the un-sugar coated version of things - so I appreciate your honesty!
Yes you are spot on that I need to focus on myself and that is the one thing that I am crystal clear on. As you astutely pointed out, I am concerned for both; how it's possible to stop while he still continues and how it will affect us and our life. I have considered this before and feel that it's something I can face if needed (the practicalities at least) but it's certainly not the outcome I want. It's comforting to hear that there are those who have managed to stop whilst their partner continues, although I wonder if their "why" for taking that step was greater than my own and I wonder how successful their relationships are after a few years. I prefer the un-sugar coated version of things - so I appreciate your honesty!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Hi and welcome OnePM
I've never been in your situation so it's difficult for me to comment.
I think you can get clean, and whats more enjoy being clean. My desire to stay clean and sober isn't dependent on anyone else doing the same - it's simply the way I want to live my life.
It would be great if your husband joined you - and I hope one day he will - but the only one you can really change is you.
As for what to replace MJ with - I just started living again. Marijuana made me insular and unmotivated. It took a little while but my creativity and zest for life came back when I quit.
I can follow up whatever I'm interested in these days knowing I have the energy and motivation to do so
Smoking was a little like a prison cell by the end. I prefer being free
D
I've never been in your situation so it's difficult for me to comment.
I think you can get clean, and whats more enjoy being clean. My desire to stay clean and sober isn't dependent on anyone else doing the same - it's simply the way I want to live my life.
It would be great if your husband joined you - and I hope one day he will - but the only one you can really change is you.
As for what to replace MJ with - I just started living again. Marijuana made me insular and unmotivated. It took a little while but my creativity and zest for life came back when I quit.
I can follow up whatever I'm interested in these days knowing I have the energy and motivation to do so
Smoking was a little like a prison cell by the end. I prefer being free
D
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Thanks so much for the reply and welcome @Dee74!
"Enjoying being clean......" This is something that I feel when I am clean but the pull always wins one way or another. I probably haven't given it enough time as 2 weeks is the longest I have gone in the last year and I hear the 28 day mark is a key habit breaker. Having ADHD doesn't' help as it gets a lot worse when I stop and not having an outlet normally leads me back to MJ.
Our life has become very insular as we don't entertain, we don't go out much, and while I have some good friends (who are not into MJ or drugs) I more often than not stay in than go out. Our total focus is our respective work and our families don't live in the country so we are able to hide away from the world when we want to. From what I have read on this forum (which is amazing by the way - thanks to everyone who contributes!), planning ahead and having outlets or things to do arranged in advance, is key to success. I have done this before but I run out of steam and become lazy after the first few days or feel that I deserve a reward for all my hard work! I wonder what was the driving force for people who have stopped to stay stopped? Obviously that is a complicated issue but I have no major issue compelling me to stop (medical/legal etc), I just know it's not serving me and I have a hell of a motivation in continuing, to stay with my husband who I love very much. The fear of what that means for the rest of my life and not having good outlets is a worry of mine. I don't confide in anyone that this is what I do and I wonder is being able to speak openly about it, something that helps people more than just being disciplined?
"Enjoying being clean......" This is something that I feel when I am clean but the pull always wins one way or another. I probably haven't given it enough time as 2 weeks is the longest I have gone in the last year and I hear the 28 day mark is a key habit breaker. Having ADHD doesn't' help as it gets a lot worse when I stop and not having an outlet normally leads me back to MJ.
Our life has become very insular as we don't entertain, we don't go out much, and while I have some good friends (who are not into MJ or drugs) I more often than not stay in than go out. Our total focus is our respective work and our families don't live in the country so we are able to hide away from the world when we want to. From what I have read on this forum (which is amazing by the way - thanks to everyone who contributes!), planning ahead and having outlets or things to do arranged in advance, is key to success. I have done this before but I run out of steam and become lazy after the first few days or feel that I deserve a reward for all my hard work! I wonder what was the driving force for people who have stopped to stay stopped? Obviously that is a complicated issue but I have no major issue compelling me to stop (medical/legal etc), I just know it's not serving me and I have a hell of a motivation in continuing, to stay with my husband who I love very much. The fear of what that means for the rest of my life and not having good outlets is a worry of mine. I don't confide in anyone that this is what I do and I wonder is being able to speak openly about it, something that helps people more than just being disciplined?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Obviously that is a complicated issue but I have no major issue compelling me to stop (medical/legal etc), I just know it's not serving me and I have a hell of a motivation in continuing, to stay with my husband who I love very much.
I didn't start losing things - until I did.
I've never met anyone who wishes they'd waited some more to quit - it's always 'I wish I'd stopped sooner'.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 437
Hey ONEPM
In my personal experience, weed made me suffer a lot. I tried to quit many times and withdrawals were hell. I quit for a few months many times and tried to smoke in moderation after that, never worked.
So the way out for me was giving up the idea that weed is no big deal. I decided to take things seriously and put my sobriety first. It meant drifting apart from all my pothead friends and giving up many habits related to weed, like drinking (alcohol is a huge trigger for relapse). I decided to do whatever it took, and it worked and I got my life back, I don't regret anything. Everything comes with a price, even recovery.
The need to fill in the time, the boredom, it's just another withdrawal symptom, in my experience. It passes.
In my personal experience, weed made me suffer a lot. I tried to quit many times and withdrawals were hell. I quit for a few months many times and tried to smoke in moderation after that, never worked.
So the way out for me was giving up the idea that weed is no big deal. I decided to take things seriously and put my sobriety first. It meant drifting apart from all my pothead friends and giving up many habits related to weed, like drinking (alcohol is a huge trigger for relapse). I decided to do whatever it took, and it worked and I got my life back, I don't regret anything. Everything comes with a price, even recovery.
The need to fill in the time, the boredom, it's just another withdrawal symptom, in my experience. It passes.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Originally Posted by ONEPM 
I wonder what was the driving force for people who have stopped to stay stopped?
The reasons this quitting attempt -I'm two years sober on the 8th of January, after smoking daily for around 22 years- seems to work is twofold: this forum and the fact that I was able to recall how I would feel if I smoked again. Not good, guilty, back to square one, etc. But I had some very rough days /weeks and looking back I sometimes don't know how I managed to not relapse.
The last two years haven't been the best of my life, but interesting things have happened and it has been a new experience for sure. If you keep on smoking you know what's in store for you. Try to look at a quitting as an adventure. Who knows where it might bring you. You might like it more than you can imagine. The first couple of months are not a showcase for what's in store.
Take care!
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Hi OnePM. Welcome! I got sober with beer in the fridge by getting out of the house. Honestly, I think me quitting drinking was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I wish I had done it sooner.
I am not a huge fan of 12-step, but meetings are abundant. You might find friends in Alanon, AA or NA, and you are welcome at any of them. It can be very helpful to spend time with people who are facing the same challenges, and it would get you out of the house.
It is a hard thing to go through. My heart goes out to you.
I am not a huge fan of 12-step, but meetings are abundant. You might find friends in Alanon, AA or NA, and you are welcome at any of them. It can be very helpful to spend time with people who are facing the same challenges, and it would get you out of the house.
It is a hard thing to go through. My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hey ONEPM, I'm curious...is the MJ-use something you can have a good conversation about with your husband? Or does he get a bit protective over it?
I said I have no experience with your situation, and that's true. But I forgot that my girlfriend never smoked pot. I've been with her for over 15 years and I was already a daily smoker when I met her. And things stayed that way until two years ago. We're still together and she has always been a great help. The point I am trying to make is: if the relationship is good, there's always a possibily to talk about things and support each other. I feel that maybe I gave the impression that in my view it is nearly impossible to live with someone while one enjoys MJ and the other one doesn't. It's not that black and white.
I said I have no experience with your situation, and that's true. But I forgot that my girlfriend never smoked pot. I've been with her for over 15 years and I was already a daily smoker when I met her. And things stayed that way until two years ago. We're still together and she has always been a great help. The point I am trying to make is: if the relationship is good, there's always a possibily to talk about things and support each other. I feel that maybe I gave the impression that in my view it is nearly impossible to live with someone while one enjoys MJ and the other one doesn't. It's not that black and white.
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ONEPM- I quit drinking 3 1/2 years ago and I have lived with an alcoholic the whole time. I wanted something better for myself even if he didn't. It wasn't easy...but the good news is he quit drinking 3 months ago and it seems to be for good!!
I think if you quit and stay busy you will start remember what you like to do to stay busy. Maybe even expand your business? Never know! I think that is exciting to think about.
I think if you quit and stay busy you will start remember what you like to do to stay busy. Maybe even expand your business? Never know! I think that is exciting to think about.
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I quit drinking while my husband chose to continue.
It is difficult to live with an active addict. Al-anon was a big help to me, along with me working my program to support my alcohol quit.
I have found we have very much grown apart.
It is difficult to live with an active addict. Al-anon was a big help to me, along with me working my program to support my alcohol quit.
I have found we have very much grown apart.
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Originally Posted by Pacoloco
Everything comes with a price, even recovery.
The need to fill in the time, the boredom, it's just another withdrawal symptom, in my experience. It passes.
The need to fill in the time, the boredom, it's just another withdrawal symptom, in my experience. It passes.
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Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan
Like many of us, I too quit more than once but always relapsed. There were times that I made deals with myself every evening. I wasn't going to smoke anymore, starting the next day. I kept on breaking those promises with myself. And if I kept them up, I rewarded myself with a smoke. In the end I was only chasing a ghost. I thought the smoking would give me a great feeling, it didn't and I lead myself to believe that the next smoke would give me a great feeling, which it didn't. This put me in a cycle where I didn't want to be but yet I could not get out of.
The reasons this quitting attempt -I'm two years sober on the 8th of January, after smoking daily for around 22 years- seems to work is twofold: this forum and the fact that I was able to recall how I would feel if I smoked again. Not good, guilty, back to square one, etc. But I had some very rough days /weeks and looking back I sometimes don't know how I managed to not relapse.
The last two years haven't been the best of my life, but interesting things have happened and it has been a new experience for sure. If you keep on smoking you know what's in store for you. Try to look at a quitting as an adventure. Who knows where it might bring you. You might like it more than you can imagine. The first couple of months are not a showcase for what's in store.
Take care!
The reasons this quitting attempt -I'm two years sober on the 8th of January, after smoking daily for around 22 years- seems to work is twofold: this forum and the fact that I was able to recall how I would feel if I smoked again. Not good, guilty, back to square one, etc. But I had some very rough days /weeks and looking back I sometimes don't know how I managed to not relapse.
The last two years haven't been the best of my life, but interesting things have happened and it has been a new experience for sure. If you keep on smoking you know what's in store for you. Try to look at a quitting as an adventure. Who knows where it might bring you. You might like it more than you can imagine. The first couple of months are not a showcase for what's in store.
Take care!
I'm hearing from your experience the message of trusting the process as key piece here. Definitely easier to just say "to hell with it - tomorrow's anothers day"! Although like the poster above, it's good to hear thay today is not the groundhog day for life.
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Originally Posted by TracyToast
I got sober with beer in the fridge by getting out of the house. Honestly, I think me quitting drinking was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I wish I had done it sooner.
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Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan
Hey ONEPM, I'm curious...is the MJ-use something you can have a good conversation about with your husband? Or does he get a bit protective over it?
I said I have no experience with your situation, and that's true. But I forgot that my girlfriend never smoked pot. I've been with her for over 15 years and I was already a daily smoker when I met her. And things stayed that way until two years ago. We're still together and she has always been a great help. The point I am trying to make is: if the relationship is good, there's always a possibily to talk about things and support each other. I feel that maybe I gave the impression that in my view it is nearly impossible to live with someone while one enjoys MJ and the other one doesn't. It's not that black and white.
I said I have no experience with your situation, and that's true. But I forgot that my girlfriend never smoked pot. I've been with her for over 15 years and I was already a daily smoker when I met her. And things stayed that way until two years ago. We're still together and she has always been a great help. The point I am trying to make is: if the relationship is good, there's always a possibily to talk about things and support each other. I feel that maybe I gave the impression that in my view it is nearly impossible to live with someone while one enjoys MJ and the other one doesn't. It's not that black and white.
I have spoken to him about it and he gets that it's not serving me and is fine with that. He just feels that it is serving him and has no desire to relinquish what he feels are the benefits. Throw in the spiritual element and he can't really unpick the two. To be fair he has cut back a bit this week as he can rationalise what I am trying to do. Plus I am taking all the fun out of it sulking as I am missing out!
Your partner sounds like a very supportive person. I'm assuming you are pretty coherent when you smoked? How did you manage that? We were never wake and bakers just evenings and weekends. We had epic "stoner" conversations that were ridiclous when one of us were sober! Add in the giggles or falling asleep at 7pm there was no way we could have had a relationship if one of us was sober. Maybe it's a potency thing on my end?
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Originally Posted by Midwest1981
ONEPM- I wanted something better for myself even if he didn't. It wasn't easy...but the good news is he quit drinking 3 months ago and it seems to be for good!!
I am trying to be positive about the future and I am working on expanding both of our businesses to keep busy. I am finding it hard that I don't have a proper way to relax yet as I am the type of person to jump into things with everything I have which can leave me exhausted and in need of reward.....But it's really good to hear that you prioritised you and your life to make these changes. It's something I need to keep in my mind.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I quit drinking while my husband chose to continue.
It is difficult to live with an active addict. Al-anon was a big help to me, along with me working my program to support my alcohol quit.
I have found we have very much grown apart.
It is difficult to live with an active addict. Al-anon was a big help to me, along with me working my program to support my alcohol quit.
I have found we have very much grown apart.
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