Anon51518

My husband had a long history of severe drug abuse. We have two children. He has been clean off of opioids, alcohol and cocaine for a couple years

It has taken a long time for us to build back some semblance of trust. Our oldest wouldn’t even be alone with him until a couple months ago. Our youngest doesn’t remember him any other way besides sober

We have been together through it all but he was living at a sober house until a few months ago.

A few days ago I found Kratom in his bag (a “natural” substance that acts very similar to an opiate. In typical addict fashion he tried to lie and gaslight until he finally just came clean when I found more of it hidden around the house

It hasn’t had the same consequences as the drugs he was doing before but that’s still be justifying his behavior and using same damaging hurtful tactics. He says he wants to stop and he didn’t realize how addicted he would get. He’s been trying to taper at home without luck. He couldn’t even make it more then a few hours without taking some. We aren’t sure about detox acceptance with Kratom.

I feel like my to whole world is crashing down again. Our oldest finally felt safe with him to let her guard down. Our youngest is a Daddy’s girl and cries for him when he isn’t around

I really thought this was it. I never fully trusted him but I was finally starting to feel and think maybe we put all the behind us

Now it feels like the whole nightmare is starting again. He’s has multiple OD’s where he almost died. I feel like at this point I’m waiting to come home to find him dead on the floor—so many addicts who have turned to Kratom relapse on their DOC.

I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I can’t just throw all we rebuilt away. I don’t want my family to be torn apart. I don’t want to watch both my daughters hearts break into a million little pieces while I try to pretend mine isn’t broken too.

He said he’s been doing it for about a year (when he stopped taking Vivatrol) and it hasn’t really had consequences—other then addiction obviously but that he still wants to stop

I just don’t know if I can do this again but part of me also feels like we can work this out if he gets off this **** before it gets even worse

But the lying, the gas lighting thats what did the most damage and we are back there again. I hate that he still effects me so much I worked so hard to get past that but getting him back and then losing him again is more painful then any of the other times

I haven’t eaten for 4 days, haven’t showered, we barley talk, I’m sleeping on the couch, having daily panic attacks reliving past trauma.

Is it crazy for me to hope we can keep our family together ? Both choices are heart wrenching but walking away is even more so.

Ann

I am so sorry you are going through this, Anon. And as you know, we just can't control if and when they will get clean or relapse, it's the nature of the disease.

It sounds like you could use some support. I hope you find some here and perhaps as your name implies, Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA are already in your plans. If not it would be good to give any of them a try. CoDA saved my life, literally, when my son was in his worst using days. He is a mature adult man now and still in the revolving door of using/recovery/relapse and there isn't a thing I can do about it (after many many years of trying futilely and making myself sick). I finally had to just let go and turn my son's care over to God.

You have two children, you must protect them not only from the insanity of his addiction but from the emotional and mental toll this takes on them. I know it is hard, it may be the hardest thing you ever do....but staying may be harder. Love cannot save an addict, if it could, none of us would be here.

Perhaps put some distance between you again and you work on your own recovery from this, and that of your children and see if he takes any action to work on his. At least it will help you find your balance and let you make healthy decisions that are right for you and the children even if doing the right thing hurts terribly.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May you find peace in this storm and a better life for all of you.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

edoering

There is something economists call the “sunk cost fallacy” where they discovered psychologically people will stick with things that aren’t good for them just because they’ve already invested in it. The work you’ve already put in to anything in life isn’t wasted, even and especially if you leave that thing behind.

If you believe that the spirits of family members who have passed can watch over us, some people say if you have “protective ancestors” and they see something in your life that isn’t serving you, they might interfere a little to get those things out of your life. I think that sounds a little controlling, but also, families can be like that! 😂

Whatever you decide, I hope you and your children have some kind of mental health resource to help! You have so many valid reasons to feel as hurt and traumatized as you do, but I imagine those feelings aren’t really compatible with a healthy future for you in this relationship. No matter what his journey, you deserve to feel as safe and happy as possible whether with him or not.