Finally ready to look after me
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Finally ready to look after me
I've been married to a high functioning addict for nearly 20 years and after learning of yet another relapse this weekend, I've finally accepted this will be my life for the next 20 years if I let it. He's been in recovery for the past few years but sometimes fakes going to his NA meetings whilst still using or drinking. Who knows where he's going instead. I know he's ill, but he is a master at lying.
I don't often confront him when I know he's relapsed but sometimes I get frustrated (like I did this weekend) and call him out on his lies. Then we spend a couple of weeks with him alternating between trying to be extra nice to me or telling me I should be nicer to him/more supportive of his efforts/more certain that he's going to stay sober this next try. It's all manipulation which I am waking up to. I don't owe him a thing despite the way he paints things and how guilty he tries to make me feel for feeling as I do.
He's very hard to love because I don't feel safe or respected but I've stayed thinking he might change or things might improve but now I know they won't. I don't want to be in this loveless marriage for the rest of my life and I dream of something more... a normal existance which doesn't include all this worry and anger. I try not to carry it but most likely still do.
Leaving him will take a while because I can't support myself financially yet and I have 2 kids but I'm going to work on this starting today. I'm making plans to leave and it feels freeing.
I'm so grateful to have found this forum and new friends who understand the rollercoaster that is addiction ☺
I don't often confront him when I know he's relapsed but sometimes I get frustrated (like I did this weekend) and call him out on his lies. Then we spend a couple of weeks with him alternating between trying to be extra nice to me or telling me I should be nicer to him/more supportive of his efforts/more certain that he's going to stay sober this next try. It's all manipulation which I am waking up to. I don't owe him a thing despite the way he paints things and how guilty he tries to make me feel for feeling as I do.
He's very hard to love because I don't feel safe or respected but I've stayed thinking he might change or things might improve but now I know they won't. I don't want to be in this loveless marriage for the rest of my life and I dream of something more... a normal existance which doesn't include all this worry and anger. I try not to carry it but most likely still do.
Leaving him will take a while because I can't support myself financially yet and I have 2 kids but I'm going to work on this starting today. I'm making plans to leave and it feels freeing.
I'm so grateful to have found this forum and new friends who understand the rollercoaster that is addiction ☺
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Reading this, it could have been writing it about my AH. The lying about meetings, alternating between moods, not feeling respected etc. I totally understand what you are feeling and going through.
I havent got much advice as that’s why I am here but wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I finally made my AH leave last weekend after another relapse and bunch of lies. Financially things are hard, emotionally it is destroying me but my house is calmer and that is what important to me for my children.
I am still getting the manipulation and promises and lies so will be following your thread to read the advice you are given. Stay strong, you deserve more in life.
I havent got much advice as that’s why I am here but wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I finally made my AH leave last weekend after another relapse and bunch of lies. Financially things are hard, emotionally it is destroying me but my house is calmer and that is what important to me for my children.
I am still getting the manipulation and promises and lies so will be following your thread to read the advice you are given. Stay strong, you deserve more in life.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Hi Princessofhope,
I'm so sorry you're going through similar. I don't think there is any advice for either of us really. We are where we are. But it's nice to know support is here!
My husband won't leave the home, otherwise we would be separated by now too. I don't want to be with him but feel I don't have a lot of choice! So I need to figure out what I need to do to get a job, receive more training or update skills etc and play the long game.
We had another argument today and he pointed out all my flaws and how I'm not perfect... it's draining!
I'm so sorry you're going through similar. I don't think there is any advice for either of us really. We are where we are. But it's nice to know support is here!
My husband won't leave the home, otherwise we would be separated by now too. I don't want to be with him but feel I don't have a lot of choice! So I need to figure out what I need to do to get a job, receive more training or update skills etc and play the long game.
We had another argument today and he pointed out all my flaws and how I'm not perfect... it's draining!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
hi wifewakingup. I'm glad you are starting a plan, that's a great idea.
It doesn't sound like he's ready to really seek recovery? A consultation with a lawyer may be a good place to start, so you know what your legal options are.
You might also want to check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum which has quite a few thread you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It doesn't sound like he's ready to really seek recovery? A consultation with a lawyer may be a good place to start, so you know what your legal options are.
You might also want to check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum which has quite a few thread you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
"Leaving him will take a while because I can't support myself financially yet and I have 2 kids but I'm going to work on this starting today. I'm making plans to leave and it feels freeing. "
Don't leave him without first telling him that he is not meeting your psychological and emotional needs as a woman, and spouse. Don't say it with anger or blame, but just letting him know that for better or worse this is how, "You feel." My wife never articulated this to me. She was just passive aggressive and it fueled my drinking. It almost cost our marriage. It may be too late for your marriage but it is never too late for honest, caring communication.
Don't leave him without first telling him that he is not meeting your psychological and emotional needs as a woman, and spouse. Don't say it with anger or blame, but just letting him know that for better or worse this is how, "You feel." My wife never articulated this to me. She was just passive aggressive and it fueled my drinking. It almost cost our marriage. It may be too late for your marriage but it is never too late for honest, caring communication.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by trailmix 
hi wifewakingup. I'm glad you are starting a plan, that's a great idea.
It doesn't sound like he's ready to really seek recovery? A consultation with a lawyer may be a good place to start, so you know what your legal options are.
You might also want to check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum which has quite a few thread you might
It doesn't sound like he's ready to really seek recovery? A consultation with a lawyer may be a good place to start, so you know what your legal options are.
You might also want to check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum which has quite a few thread you might
thank you for the thread recommendation ☺ Alcohol is also a problem here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by CRRHCC
"Leaving him will take a while because I can't support myself financially yet and I have 2 kids but I'm going to work on this starting today. I'm making plans to leave and it feels freeing. "
Don't leave him without first telling him that he is not meeting your psychological and emotional needs as a woman, and spouse. Don't say it with anger or blame, but just letting him know that for better or worse this is how, "You feel." My wife never articulated this to me. She was just passive aggressive and it fueled my drinking. It almost cost our marriage. It may be too late for your marriage but it is never too late for honest, caring communication.
Don't leave him without first telling him that he is not meeting your psychological and emotional needs as a woman, and spouse. Don't say it with anger or blame, but just letting him know that for better or worse this is how, "You feel." My wife never articulated this to me. She was just passive aggressive and it fueled my drinking. It almost cost our marriage. It may be too late for your marriage but it is never too late for honest, caring communication.
I don't think I'm passive aggressive. I tend to not bring up what he's doing even when I know he is lying and using something. My general way of dealing with things is to pretend I don't know because when I do confront him it just leads to an argument. It doesn't necessarily stop him.
His situation is very sad but it doesn't have to be my sad story too. I think that's what he doesn't grasp.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
It is amazing what kinds of things start to happen when a person decides to make a positive decision in their lives. It might be hard, but I have experienced miraculous things my Higher Power has done, once I decided to find a solution.
It sounds to me from you post that you are just tired and want a better life. There is nothing wrong with that.
I recently attended a lecture by James Hollis (psychiatrist who wrote a lot of books ) and I asked him about the connection between addiction, choice and responsibility.
He told me that addiction is a person's "treatment plan" for their anxiety, or psychopathology or whatever they haven't been able to overcome.
And, as long as a person's self-designed treatment plan is working, why would they give it up. But, when they realize that it has unintended negative consequences, they have the choice to find another way out of their depression, or anxiety or whatever it is that they need the addiction for. And they also have the choice not to find a better way.
After 20 years, it sounds like you are looking for a better way.
Best of Luck - prayers for your journey!
It sounds to me from you post that you are just tired and want a better life. There is nothing wrong with that.
I recently attended a lecture by James Hollis (psychiatrist who wrote a lot of books ) and I asked him about the connection between addiction, choice and responsibility.
He told me that addiction is a person's "treatment plan" for their anxiety, or psychopathology or whatever they haven't been able to overcome.
And, as long as a person's self-designed treatment plan is working, why would they give it up. But, when they realize that it has unintended negative consequences, they have the choice to find another way out of their depression, or anxiety or whatever it is that they need the addiction for. And they also have the choice not to find a better way.
After 20 years, it sounds like you are looking for a better way.
Best of Luck - prayers for your journey!
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