I told him I plan to file for divorce...

Old 09-05-2019, 07:23 AM
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I told him I plan to file for divorce...

Today I told my AH that I planned to file for divorce. The conversation was not volatile, but he implied that he has no will to try anymore. I told him that he has 2 children that deserve him at his best. I know that I can’t control his actions, obviously, or I would have a long time ago. But I am now riddled with worry that he will go off the deep end (either not even attempting sobriety, or even become suicidal. He has alluded to that before).
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Old 09-05-2019, 07:26 AM
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It's certainly one possibility. If he does, it's still not your fault.

All you can do for yourself and your precious children is let go or be dragged.

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Old 09-05-2019, 08:13 AM
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He is unwilling to get sober and get in to recovery and you are not willing to live with an addict.

So now what? Now it's time to stand by your boundary. When you make a statement like that it's about backing it up. Otherwise it's just a threat and I am hoping you weren't using it as an ultimatum? I mean you can issue an ultimatum, of course, that's completely your call, but if you don't back it up with action, then it's just a threat (which obviously does not work).

But I am now riddled with worry that he will go off the deep end (either not even attempting sobriety, or even become suicidal.
Not your circus! You just mentioned you can't change him, so these both fall under that. If he is suicidal he needs professional help. If he threatens suicide you should call 911. That needs professional help, not your help.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (not intended that way) but your guilt is misplaced. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. It seems like you have come to believe that you can, but you really can't.

In the years you have been trying to help him, has anything really changed? He's still using, he's still making excuses and now he has admitted he has no will try anymore. Well that is his choice.
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Old 09-05-2019, 08:36 AM
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He may feel like he is trying. I am sure that I have no idea what kind of struggle he is going through, because I am not an addict. But if what he is doing is his very best, that is still not enough for me to stay. I have no intention of giving ultimatums. I have backed up every boundary I have set for myself. I am worried for him. But if me telling him that I am filing for divorce is a catalyst for him to spiral out of control then he wasn’t “all in” in the first place. I know that me staying in our marriage will not stop his addiction. And neither will leaving.
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Old 09-05-2019, 08:40 AM
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I know that me staying in our marriage will not stop his addiction. And neither will leaving.
Very wise words. I am sorry that it has come to this but glad that you have the wisdom to know that you and your children have lives that need to be safe from the world of addiction.

I have no wise advice, just prayers for all of you, and friendship in recovery here where we are all walking with you.

Hugs
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:01 AM
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Reneevc,
You sound really strong.

Some advice, just in case he does make suicidal comments. I learned through experience that when someone threatens to harm themselves you call the police. I had to do this twice - once when the attempt was sincere and once when it turned out to be an attempt to manipulate me. I realized immediately that the situation was beyond my ability to do anything else.

Both times I was glad I called - they were kind and helpful. The one that was manipulating told them he was completely fine and it was just a family fight. He never tried that tack with me again.

I'm so sorry for the position you are in, but your children are really fortunate to you have you as their mom.
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Reneevc View Post
He may feel like he is trying.
Maybe.

You sound clear on all of this Reneec and that's a good place to be in (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like a good place right now perhaps).

There is nothing fun about any of this, but there are a few bright spots here.

First of all, you have control of your own life now. Extricating yourself from alcoholism is not easy, moving away from your marriage, not easy but look at what you have achieved.

You have removed your children from a harmful environment and yourself.

Yes, I'm sure your Husband has or at least had many redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have married him. He has moved away from that though and it is nor your responsibility to monitor him.

I guess my point is, how about taking care of you? How about focusing back on your life and what makes you happy. Not sure how old your kids are but focus on that relationship as well. That's where the happiness is!

As dandylion (another member here at SR) says, you aren't abandoning him in a desert with no water or food, he is a grown man and he took care of himself before you met him and will should you decide to leave him now.

The more you focus on yourself and what makes you happy the more you will feel relieved of any attempt to get involved with his choices.

Now, that might seem/feel selfish, but it's not. There is selfish/self-serving and there is a healthy selfishness where you ensure your needs are being met, it's a really important thing and really hard to focus on when the tornado of addiction is around.

When addiction is in a household everyone's lives are run by it, theirs - yours, the children and anyone else that comes in to contact with it.

Time to run your own life, don't let addiction run it anymore. I wish him well and I'm sure you do too. I hope he seeks and is successful at recovery.
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:56 AM
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Reneevc, You sound strong in your resolve to follow through with separating from your husband. I know when I got to that point it felt like a hollow victory. Divorce wasn't what I "wanted".. but I didn't want to continue on in a marriage that was as broken as the one we were bumbling through either. The pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying. So I left. Doing the right things isn't always easy or joyous that's for damn sure.

I understand you worrying about his well being. My AXH was suicidal a few times himself and it was extremely upsetting. What was worse is that he fostered the fear I had developed about him committing suicide, and then used that as a form of manipulation. He wanted me tied up in knots about it so that I wouldn't leave, or rock the boat, or have "unrealistic" expectations of him... (probably mostly used it so I wouldn't bitch him out when he'd inevitably get drunk as a skunk)... whatever his reasons were, it was nefarious of him to add to my anxiety by purposely fueling that fire. What a jerk he was for doing that to me. I hope your husband hasn't been doing the same to you. I agree with the others that said, should he threaten suicide, call the authorities. He will either get the help he needs or he wont use that kind of disgusting manipulation with you again.

Anything he decides to do or not do, is entirely up to him. I know it's hard not to worry about someone you love, but please don't try to carry burdens that are not yours to bear. His choices, his consequences, good and/or bad.

You've done the hardest part... now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as you set out repairing your own life and blazing a healthy trail for your kiddos.

You've got this! *hugs*
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Old 09-05-2019, 07:11 PM
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Divorce or separation is a good step to protect your parental rights, should CPS catch wind of your husband's addiction. You will need some kind of paper trail to show you've done everything you could to protect the kids from the detrimental effects of his usage.

Stay strong.
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