Troubledone

My niece has been in a dual diagnosis facility for about 25 days now. The diagnosis is BiPolar I, ADHD and Chemical Dependency.

I have spoken to her a few times, but those conversations have not yet ended well. She still wants me to rescue her storage unit (after 15 months of craziness with her living with me), but I refuse, so what I get back from her is more of the anger/blame/manipulation characteristic of her illnesses.

I know she is likely to be in this facility for at least 45 days and then to a less restrictive facility (she chose rehab in lieu of civil commitment, but that is hanging over her head if she does not cooperate). And probably there for 6 months and then maybe a sober living facility - so its probably a year before she's making enough money to afford the unit herself. And - I think its good that she loses what's in there because its all stuff that is linked to her past with other drug friends, etc.

I guess the hardest part for me is that I still get very sad, angry, frustrated at each phone call. I know I can just not respond, but there is part of me that wants her to know I care, even though I'll not give in to her demands.

There may be a little remnant of enabling in that statement - after I talk with her it takes hours for me to "come down from it" and get back to my own life. I do wish there was a way to be non-attached to the whole thing.

She IS in a good facility. They ARE working with her on problem solving and coping skills - and getting her meds figured out. There really is nothing I can do to fix this because she's still focused on the wrong things - and will be at least until the meds kick in.

And since this is the third go at treatment, there is nothing to say that she will "get it" this time.

Just a sad waste of a young woman's life.

Thanks for listening - I would welcome any comments if I have a blind spot or warped thinking in what I've written.

atalose

Stop taking her phone calls.

If this were me I would write her a letter and share my feelings with her on how her angry demanding and blaming phone calls make you feel and say I will no longer put myself in that position so I will correspond with you with letters and cards.

MindfulMan

25 days into rehab is not the time to shoot her your resentments. She is struggling with a very difficult dual diagnosis. I have the same issues except I'm Bipolar II...and Bipolar I is much tougher. BP1 is clearly a chemical issue, it responds really well to medication. Unfortunately self-medication with alcohol and other substances becomes the norm, I was alcohol when in the depressive phase and cocaine in the manic phase. Both of which work in the short term, but perpetuate the illness in the longer term, and of course cause a whole host of other problems. Self medication also interferes with the efficacy of prescribed medication.

She's got to get off that roller coaster, and it's imperative that she submerge herself into her rehab program. I wouldn't not take her calls, but you might try limiting them to x times/week. It's a shame that the facility isn't having family therapy and visits yet, but seeing it from the other side, there's a fine line between family support and taking the emphasis away from the patient. I saw parents and spouses come in and take the therapy into rants about how badly they've been treated due to the drinking/using. This is not helpful to the patient or the situation as a whole at this point in their recovery. You could also limit your contact to physical visits and not take the phone calls, or limit them in some way.

This is NOT to say that your resentments aren't deserved. I'm sure they are, and you cannot abandon self-care at this time. You are not obligated to be 100% supportive forever, nor do such things like rescue her storage area. Have you considered individual psychotherapy in addition to or in lieu of Al-Anon to help you through this process and give you methods to "talk yourself down" from the stress of contact with her?

This is going to be a long and difficult process for her, if you really want to help you must take care of yourself first, but also time your dealing with the fallout from her addiction and mental illness. There will be time enough for that as her recovery progresses and she gets stronger.

Troubledone

Mindful Man - thank you for your thoughtful response! I am particularly grateful given that you have walked the path my niece is on.

I have been working with my niece for 15 years (this is the third rehab) so I appreciate the reminder that this initial phase takes time. This is the first time she's been diagnosed with a mental illness, so that adds to the situation. She was told that she was suffering from a chemical induced psychosis and after they took her off all meds/drugs for a couple weeks, that's when she got the diagnosis. So, she has only been on mood stabilizers for about a week.

I have written letters but not sent them because it did seem to me that it would not really help anyone to send it (but it did help me to write it). I don't have resentments so much as I am just so sad that nothing helped and she's back in this horrible situation. And - what I need to do for her and myself creates more of a divide between us - at least for now.

I have visited her each time she has asked me to and brought her some small items (toiletries, snacks, pop). The challenge is that when I don't bend to her desire to give her money or rescue her storage unit, she gets angry and then she excludes me from the family nights and visits until she calls again.

They have begun therapy and the most recent call she was on the phone with her therapist present. I think her therapist is skilled and she handled our dialog well. But again, my niece only allows me in so far and backs off when she doesn't get what she wants from me.

Because I was instrumental in her being forced into treatment (it was that or she was going to hurt herself), she's also excluded me from talking with her doctors. Thankfully she calls her mom and one of her other aunts, so I know she is at least getting some family support and love (even if she can't see how much I love her) and they are able to give me some insight so I know where she's at.

I have been in individual therapy, and it was not very helpful. The psychiatrist I was seeing was as baffled as I was. However, I did find an awesome coach who had been through these same types of things (80 year old wise woman) and she has been awesome and helpful.

So, I just wait. I take her calls, I remain calm but firm. I give myself some time to recover afterward (so far they have all been upsetting). I realize she is nowhere near stable yet. I've ordered some books on dual diagnosis. It is a bit scary, though, how much is at stake and how hard I expect it will be for her to come back this time. I think the hardest thing for her will be to accept that she is ill and addicted - she never really admitted suffering from chemical dependency in the past, even though she's lost everything twice so far.

Thanks for your last line also because I have thought that now is the time for me to rest and read up on the condition. I don't think living with me again is an option - not good for her or me, but if she is serious about sobriety, I can hope for the day that we have a loving and respectful relationship so my emotional support helps and does not enable.

And yes, I expect that this will take a long time. I can't even guess how long it might take before she can talk with me openly and calmly.

Thanks for your post! It helped a lot.

MindfulMan

You are doing amazingly well and she is lucky to have you in her corner. It might just take her a bit to realize that you ARE in her corner!!!

IF she stays sober and IF she remains medication compliant I think you will see enormous changes. In the end, of course, it's up to her.

Not that a favorite aunt can't be a big help along the way!

Troubledone

Thank you for your kind words - it is just what I needed to hear.

Freedom1990

I'd like to say first of all my oldest daughter lost all her stuff time and time again from her somewhat nomadic lifestyle. I did feel really bad the first time, but as time went on, I recognized that it is a consequence of her life choices.

Secondly, I am dually diagnosed. I don't think that has made my recovery more difficult as long as I remain proactive in my own mental health, and do what I am supposed to do.

She has such a headstart on me (in my beginnings) because there were no dual diagnosis facilities back when I went through inpatient rehab. She is where she needs to be!

Take good care of yourself, dear! Sending warm hugs of support from Kansas!

hopeful4

MindfulMan, you are so right! Your posts have hit he nail on the head.

Vent away here to us, that is what we are here for! You have given your niece every opportunity. It's now for her to decide if she will seize it, or not. She is still trying to manipulate you, so you have to protect yourself from that first and foremost. And keep remembering, by your doing so, you are HELPING her, even if she cannot see it this second.

Big hugs!

Troubledone

Thanks to everyone! My niece called and asked us to come to family night and even said she was sorry for all she put us through. She sounded better.

I am not getting my hopes up too high too quickly, though, because we are still in the beginning, but it is encouraging to hear from those who have walked this path before (especially the one my niece is walking) and helping me maintain the right balance in my evolving relationship with her.

Interestingly, I can't go to the first family night because I'm out of town for work, so my husband is going. He has been both a loving father figure to her and the target of a great deal of her anger at life. So I am assuming that my HP wants the healing to begin with them and me coming in a little later.

One step at a time...
thanks!

GreenChair

I hope family night went well .

Troubledone

All - family night went well and in the meantime I've visited also.

She is much better but still not owning the chemical dependence part of this. I don't push. I am pretty sure she won't get better without a complete acceptance of "what is", but I trust the process and realize it is not for me to convince her. To let circumstances and the professionals working with her do that. I am just working my own program.

A new wrinkle though... she has a friend with a history of chemical dependency
and schizophrenia who is 23 years older than her. I think he has romantic feelings for her. Even though he is on SSDI and barely making it himself, he paid for her storage unit.

This is silly because she's going to another facility for treatment and will be there for 90 days - so - she'll be right back asking for money this month.

While I completely have the means to pay this, it does not feel right to me. This is a consequence of her using and not being honest with me, so paying for the storage unit feels like helping her duck consequences.

At the same time, it is painful to see this man, obviously struggling himself, get roped into paying for this. It is all very sad.

So, I just keep praying. I expect we'll have a bit more drama when my niece figures out that this problem is not solved and she won't be able to pay for her storage unit until she is released and figures out her finances (she has a lot of debt).

they are getting her on SSDI - but I expect all or most of that will go to the treatment center until she is released.

I guess it never ends... hence the "one day at a time" and the serenity prayer.

Thanks to all for you input.

hopeful4

One day at a time indeed. That she even asked a man in this situation shows something about her eh??

Continue praying and working on you friend.