Troubledone

My addict has been out of our house for 11 blessed days now.

We still get very strange text messages that can go from a sweet "will you send me money to get my car out of impound" to raging venom in a flash. So while I am grateful for the peace, it is interrupted by text messages from time to time.

I have spent the last 14 years trying to figure out why my addicted niece who has dragged us through the mire (drugs, crime, incarceration, multiple treatments, etc.) behaves so strangely.

Her mother is bi-polar, and when my niece was on meth her behavior looked a lot like that disorder. She was diagnosed with ADD and takes meds for that and depression. But in all the years my sister has suffered from bi-polar, she was never so horrible to us. Sometimes she resisted treatment, but always came around. Not so my niece.

11 days ago she invited a group of 6 hoodlums - one of whom stole our front door key (got it on our nanny cam), puked on my sofa, ate and drank our food for 2-1/2 days. She lied about it and we confronted her with the images. Then we found Marijuana in her room. She did a disappearing act and then after 5 days texted and said her car is in impound because she was drugged and it was our fault. We did not ask her to leave, we asked to to discuss it - but obviously she wasn't ready to be outed.

So, I know all this is insane. She has probably been doing drugs all along over the past 15 months, but has been good about hiding it.

I tell myself that it does not matter whether this is mental illness or drug addiction because in either case, she refuses to get help. She is 37, and our lives are miserable when she is here.

So I ask myself - why ask why. Does it matter if it is mental illness or drugs? The choice is the same - get help and get a life (like her mom did) or pretend there is nothing wrong and the whole world is to blame and have your life disintegrate before your eyes.

It is just very hard to watch either way.

Her most recent texts are asking about how she is supposed to get her ADD meds when she has no car. This after she had texted me Saturday that she had a friend get them from her car at the impound lot. (screwy) And then she says she's bringing the cops here to get her meds. I'm pretty sure this is just to jerk my chain, but actually if she brings cops that would be helpful.

Any insight from anyone would be welcome.

It never ends.

Ann

It ends when we say it ends, it's never the addict who says it is over because they just keep trying and trying until somebody drops from exhaustion.

You know the truth about what happened, or if not the whole story, you recognize a lie when you hear it.

"We" are not their only option, we're not even a good one.

When my son had to leave I gave him a list of detox's, rehabs, a meeting list and a prepaid phone card so he could make the calls...or, if he chose, he could call his dealer and keep going. I didn't throw him out...he got himself tossed when he broke every boundary I had, turned our home into a war zone, stored drugs and stolen goods in my home putting me in legal jeopardy, and lied over and over about it.

Your niece could have completely destroyed your home, you got off lucky.

She has other choicers, help IS available. It is her choice how she spends the rest of her life.

Good luck to you, this is very hard, I know.

Troubledone

Ann

Thank you so much for your reply.

I particularly appreciated the comment: "We" are not their only option, we're not even a good one.

so true!

Thousands, maybe millions of people have had a harder time in life than her and didn't go down the path she chose.

And you are absolutely right - there is help. She is actually pretty fluent in all the services available to her - and where I live those resources are considerable. She had already filed for food stamps before this incident - even though we had been feeding her all along. (makes me wonder)

She has health care courtesy of the county and where I live getting into rehab is pretty easy (also paid for by the county). All that is needed is for her to want it.

Thanks for bringing me clarity!

Ann

Yes, it is about their "willingness", not ours. Would that "we" could make them see with clarity that there IS a better path, right there for the taking.

I have often said that if love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. They have to love themselves enough to reach out for the real help.

You can support her with encouragement and perhaps a list of phone numbers. But know that you are also "supporting" her wellness by not enabling her disease. Said with love because I was the Queen of Enablers back in the day.

Hugs

atalose

I do hope you are not engaging in a text battle of words with an active addict, no response is always the best response.

Troubledone

atalose - thanks!

It did take me a little while to figure that out, but yes, I have stopped.

All I had to do was review one such battle to realize how hopeless it was.

thanks for the reminder!

Mango212

"will you send me money to get my car out of impound"


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...king-mean.html (What does "quacking" mean?)

Ann

Mango, I love that old thread. The pictures disappeared years ago but it's still a hoot. Thank you for bringing it here.

Troubledone

Margo

Thank you! Oh my goodness, I ran through a few recent conversations in my head that I had had with my addict - quack, quack, quack...

Interesting that this comes up just now - I recently thought to myself, over the past 15 months I've been explaining her behavior to myself as possibly due to trauma, grief, mental illness - and then I thought - gee, I've seen this type of behavior before when she was using... If it walks like a duck....

so timely - Thanks!

HardLessons

Food stamps - FYI one of their tricks is to get on food stamps & sell the card (in my state its a credit type card) for 50 cents on the dollar. Quick dirty way to raise some money.

hopeful4

I think you are correct. Mental illness or addiction or both, does it really matter. If she is unwilling to do what she needs to do to be well, there is nothing else you can do.

HUGE HUGS.