Feeling stuck
Fancy7
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 4
Feeling stuck
My ex abf has kept in contact with me ever since I broke up with him . His addiction got so bad that I couldn’t help him and I started a life on my own and began taking care of myself . But he still calls periodically and just recently made it known he has someone new but merely because he said I dont accept him for who he is and she does and she has money as well. It Just breaks my heart to hear him say it , but I don’t want to enable him , or be part of his current addiction , yet I still answer his calls and he told me last week that he loves her more than he loved me and to leave him alone and then calls the next day and asks if we can be friends and gets upset when I tell Him we aren’t friends and that we can’t be friends after being in a relationship for over 5 years .. I just don’t understand what he wants from me or why he keeps in contact with me . If anyone can shed some light that would be wonderful .. thank you !
Hello Fancy, Welcome to SR!!
Really sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us
The behavior of someone in active addiction can be explained, ime, in terms of their own desires and needs. Obtaining and using his drug of choice is number one, and anything and anyone who interferes with that is secondary. So, he now has someone who doesn't hassle him about his use (doesn't interfere) and can pay for it, too, is ideal for his addiction. But not for him, ultimately.
Although I can't know the mind of your ex, perhaps he is keeping you "on the hook" in case his current situation fails he has a backup place to live and the attention he wants.
I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that! I hope your ex will eventually get the help he needs, but that is not something you can really provide for him. I hope today is just a bit brighter than yesterday!
Really sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us
The behavior of someone in active addiction can be explained, ime, in terms of their own desires and needs. Obtaining and using his drug of choice is number one, and anything and anyone who interferes with that is secondary. So, he now has someone who doesn't hassle him about his use (doesn't interfere) and can pay for it, too, is ideal for his addiction. But not for him, ultimately.
Although I can't know the mind of your ex, perhaps he is keeping you "on the hook" in case his current situation fails he has a backup place to live and the attention he wants.
I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that! I hope your ex will eventually get the help he needs, but that is not something you can really provide for him. I hope today is just a bit brighter than yesterday!
he told me last week that he loves her more than he loved me and to leave him alone and then calls the next day and asks if we can be friends and gets upset when I tell Him we aren’t friends and that we can’t be friends after being in a relationship for over 5 years ..
I just don’t understand what he wants from me or why he keeps in contact with me .
He does what he does and says what he says because he is an addict. It really has nothing at all to do with you, there is no secret message or meaning behind it. I’m sure if you block him from contacting you he’ll move on to harassing someone else.
No new contact = no new hurts.
Well isn't he Precious, thinking you need updates on his new GF and her money.
I agree with atalose, it stops when you stop. You don't have to take his calls, be friends on facebook, listen to his voicemails, say "hi," at the grocery, nor read any texts or emails.
If it's over, I don't have any contact with them at all and I don't follow them on social media nor do I engage by text or email. It is over for a reason.
I agree with atalose, it stops when you stop. You don't have to take his calls, be friends on facebook, listen to his voicemails, say "hi," at the grocery, nor read any texts or emails.
If it's over, I don't have any contact with them at all and I don't follow them on social media nor do I engage by text or email. It is over for a reason.
I read recently in a book "Smoke and Mirrors" that it is more important to discern the motive behind what addicts say than what they say.
Someone can say I love you with the motive of sharing their true feelings. Addicts on the other hand aren't capable of love, so "I love you" often means "I want to keep you on the hook in case I need something from you later".
The crazy contradictions are also ways to keep you off balance and out of center so you lose track of your own truth.
It does stop when you stop - and that is hard. Codependents are all about doing - fixing, saving, listening, empathizing. We lack the courage to do nothing when that is what is needed. For me it has been because I have been afraid of the feelings I'll need to face when I let go. Grief, sadness, anger at myself and the addict, embarrassment at my gullibility, the list goes on. But being willing to face myself has been the only path to freedom.
Prayers that you find truth and freedom in this situation - if that is what you want.
Peace
Someone can say I love you with the motive of sharing their true feelings. Addicts on the other hand aren't capable of love, so "I love you" often means "I want to keep you on the hook in case I need something from you later".
The crazy contradictions are also ways to keep you off balance and out of center so you lose track of your own truth.
It does stop when you stop - and that is hard. Codependents are all about doing - fixing, saving, listening, empathizing. We lack the courage to do nothing when that is what is needed. For me it has been because I have been afraid of the feelings I'll need to face when I let go. Grief, sadness, anger at myself and the addict, embarrassment at my gullibility, the list goes on. But being willing to face myself has been the only path to freedom.
Prayers that you find truth and freedom in this situation - if that is what you want.
Peace
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I just don’t understand what he wants from me or why he keeps in contact with me .
It's totally possible he still has a love for you and always will and you could have been his first choice in potential girlfriends....IF....you "accepted" him and his addiction. But, like you've said, it got so bad you couldn't help him and so you broke up likely for your own good.
He might be tempted to wave the new girlfriend flag in front of you to get a reaction out of you or whatever....you don't have to play into it or even expose yourself to it at all. No contact, lady. It's recommended for a very good reason.
My ex abf has kept in contact with me ever since I broke up with him . His addiction got so bad that I couldn’t help him and I started a life on my own and began taking care of myself . But he still calls periodically and just recently made it known he has someone new but merely because he said I dont accept him for who he is and she does and she has money as well. It Just breaks my heart to hear him say it , but I don’t want to enable him , or be part of his current addiction , yet I still answer his calls and he told me last week that he loves her more than he loved me and to leave him alone and then calls the next day and asks if we can be friends and gets upset when I tell Him we aren’t friends and that we can’t be friends after being in a relationship for over 5 years .. I just don’t understand what he wants from me or why he keeps in contact with me . If anyone can shed some light that would be wonderful .. thank you !
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