cece

Although he is not a child anymore!
But to me as a parent that child-like history and connection to my son is always there. I can still see the small boy and all his wonderful boy-like qualities.

It is easier for me to detach with love when he is an A$$#%!*! Haha!
Much harder when he is trying to get to a better place.
That is when I struggle with Helping vs Hurting.
So I turn to my program and my friends for advice.
Some people say "Hands OFF" No matter what!!
Some people say, " If they are clean, making good choices, and what you are doing helps foster that, then fine..."
Some people say, " Who Knows What's Right!"
I have heard, " Give up on the little $#!&."
Others say, " Oh, My God, I am so sorry! I could never deal with what you are dealing with." ( Sigh!... my least favorite since being pitied does not make me happy! )
Haha! Lots of advice out there!!

When/ if my son asks for help, and he is on a good path, there still are some very easy, "No's" And I have set boundaries both with my time and $.
But for my Gray areas:
My sister ( who has 25+ year sobriety) gave me advice that works for me... at least for today...
When my son asks for my time or ?, I always state first: "Let me think about it and I will get back to you."
This is KEY for my sane decision making.
She said that is important because I first need to Pray, Pray, Pray! Ask for help deciding if the action will help my son move forward and if its part of God's plan. Next, keep reading your literature from your program for messages. Then Listen, Listen, Listen!
Then find the answer that will give you the most peace! Peace is a gift from God, And our Peace matters too! Then whatever the decision live with it! Don't second guess everything.! (Something I do very well!!!) If it ended up not helping him but hurting, I can move on and learn from it.

I know for me and my recovery from enabling, It is about, "Progress not perfection" these days! The anxiety I can get from trying to do my program right and always questioning that is just as debilitating to me as my enabling was to him before I got some recovery under my belt! LOL

So I share this because I need to be gentle with myself and other parents who do the best that we can with the tools we have. Yet, always remembering to place it all in the hands of our Higher Power as we understand him/her! And then Listen!!

Thanks for letting me Share!

Ann

Oh cece, I wish I had paid attention to this kind of advice much earlier in the game. To be able to take pause, process the information and think about my response...if any...was something recovery taught me, but I was a slow slow learner.

Thank you for posting this. Good solid recovery just shines from your words.

Hugs

GreenChair

Excellent post. Thank you.

I don't even remember how or when exactly it happened, but suddenly one day I simply realized/accepted that my son's life was his, and I couldn't control it or change it. The only thing I was doing was making myself crazy. He was not going to change until he was ready to change. His change came after 60 days in jail. At first it was a complete nightmare, but as the days progressed and I'd talk to him on the phone or visit, I began to see my real son returning, a change in his outlook, intelligent conversation again. It was both the worst and the best thing that ever happened to him. I do believe that addicts have to hit bottom before they change, but I believe that 'bottom' is different for everyone. My son's bottom was being in jail.

I made it through via prayer and listening to relaxation meditations/hypnosis on youtube!

hopeful4

Excellent post indeed!

Thank you for reminding me to go to prayer first in all challenging situations friend!