ItsNotOK

Hi everyone, first time post. I have spent a weekend in hell. My spouse has spent the weekend detoxing from heroine. I think I am done.

I met him through work about 10 years ago. We became friends after he offered me plenty of emotional support while my mother was dying. After she passed, I needed to move. I put my house up for sale and started to look for a place to rent. He needed a roommate, so my adult son (who is high functioning autistic) and I moved in with him. Things were going well, and we got to know each other on a deeper level.

He told me about the year he spent in rehab as a young man. He was a meth addict. That kind of freaked me out, but it was 20 years ago...(little did I know about addiction). We decided to buy a house. Found a house, put a down payment, closed..and then he hit me with the fact that he was on pain killers and was going to detox. I sat with him through all of that, went to meetings, offered as much support as I could. I guess I probably don't need to tell you all about the merry go round we have been on. There have been pills, gambling, blah blah blah...each time a new relapse. I honestly don't know if there has ever been any clean time of more than a month in the last 10 years.

I actually married him so he would have medical insurance and I could protect my house as an asset if he died. Even though I am reasonably intelligent, I didn't think of many of the legal ramifications that could come from that. If he's arrested. Or in a wreck. Or if ...Or...Or... Now my head is spinning.

He's a good guy, even in addiction. Not abusive, doesn't steal from me (so far), great with my son, help me care for my father when he passed..pays his bills (well after I put my foot down on that). Pretty high functioning for an addict. But I can see where it will spiral out of control at some point.

I knew he was using something, figured it was pills again. About 6 months ago, I went into his room (we have a marriage of convenience and do not share a bedroom) to use his bathroom. He wasn't home. He has a box that is usually locked...it was wide open and filled with needles. I was appalled. I didn't know what I wanted to do. Still don't really...I got over (or maybe swallowed) my anger and came up with a plan. He would either come to me for help, OD or I would slowly pack my things and leave when I needed to. I started decluttering the house (and putting things important to me into storage, though he didn't know that part).

Last Thursday he decided to "tell" me. We made an appointment for detox/treatment through my insurance. On Monday, we went and picked up Suboxone and he started. My whole week has been running for various things to help with his withdrawal. He thought the Sub was going to be a miracle cure..yeah not so much. He's suffering. I hate watching him suffer, but in a little vindictive part of me, I am happy it's not too easy...And to add the the guilty feelings, there were points where I just wished he'd OD and get it over with...I'd rather mourn him once than just watch him slowly kill himself.

But now I am in a better place. I am going to an Al Anon meeting today and his group therapy (it's family day). I am going to a NarAnon meeting tomorrow. I told him that he had to comply with everything they told him at rehab, but did not set any strong boundaries. I need to change that. I wasn't ready at the time, and still need to decide where those boundaries are going to be.

At this point I am going to keep my storage shed and continue decluttering. I know the relapse rate of heroin. I am not sure I can watch him commit slow suicide.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get that off of my chest.

Gm0824

Thank you for sharing. I do not have experience with heroine but that feeling of done-ness, anger, sadness struck a cord with me. For a long time, when I was in survival mode with my xah I think those were my only feelings, angry or sad. Marriage of convenience sums up quite eloquently my marriage to an addict. They are not capable of being a loving, supportive partner. I am glad you found SR, this has been a helpful community for me as I navigate my own path and figure out who I am and what I want. Happy you are getting some face to face support also. Cyber hugs, friend. Keep posting and reading the stickies.

elissa1962

Hi ItsNotOK. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know all too well that feeling when you first find out about the needles. You feel like your world just spun off its axis. My addict is my daughter. Shes now 25 and has been on heroin since she's 17 years old. Heroin is a monster. Suboxone is great it helps a lot of people, but addicts play a lot of games with it. If you are going to be in this for the long haul, my advice is just keep your eyes wide open, go to meetings for support and keep posting here. There are a lot of very smart people here who are very caring. Sometimes they tell it like it is and people don't really want to hear it so they stop posting. Personally, I don't understand why anyone would put up with this from a spouse. A child you cannot divorce, but to suffer like this from a spouse, I just don't get. I hope that your husband gets the help he needs from the Suboxone program and the rehab, and best to you as well. Prayers, Elissa

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. This is a place of great support. I think it's wonderful that you are taking time for some self care in meetings for YOU, and hope you continue to do nice things for yourself. You cannot save him. He will either save himself, or he won't. You are right about the relapse rate for meth or H. I think your plan sounds like a wise one.

Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.

Istherepeace

Not sure if I am angry or just sad- you have basically described my current situation. I’ve been married since 2001 and knew that he was Bi-polar when we married. What I then found out was that he is an alcoholic. Over the years there were periods of recovery, some longer than others. Over the last several years alcohol, gambling and even cocaine have become part of his struggle. He ended up in detox a couple of years back when the cocaine and his bipolar brought him to disfunction. I’ve cried, threatened and got to the point where I called it quits. As of March 2016 we have been trying to end this. The house went up for sale and had a buyer. The plan was split the proceeds accordingly, file for divorce and Head our separate ways. The buyers pulled out last minute. The house is still on the market. He was hospitalized for lyme for weeks in late summer then went back to work to be laid off in the fall -job was outsourced. He hid in his room for months and came out in binges. Finally he found work- then lost it. He seemed to be acting odd but wasn’t seeing anything I could put my finger on- then a month ago it all blew up. His sponsor brought him to the ER because he was just babbling nonsense. He had been using cociane the whole time and again it disabled him. He was in a recovery center for nearly a month an d came out yesterday. Today I find a beer in the freezer when I get home from work. I can’t deal anymore- I told him he needs to go,so he says he’s leaving on Sunday. I’m so angry but yet sad. I knew it is over for us but I don’t want to see him lose to the addictions. I always wanted to leave when he was functional and seemed well. I guess that was to make me feel better and not have guilt about leaving him when he is down. I’m beside myself. I looked for a meeting tonight but there were none so here I am.