killerinstinct

How do I learn to accept the consequences of the regret that I have in regards to the way that I spoke to the addict? I threatened major violence. It was an empty threat and I was never going to do anything but I was seething with rage and so angry at them. Part of me knows that they know I was bluffing but then there is the part of them
that is super sensitive and paranoid that would have run the other way. They have disappeared from my life now as a result. I’ve accepted that the friendship is over but I am devastated that it ended this way with - with my stupid big manipulative mouth.

OpheliaKatz

The thing about consequences is that they happen whether you accept them or not. If you don't, you just end up crying over spilled milk. Acceptance is not the same as absolution. So you threatened violence. Even if you would never do it, a threat is still a threat -- the possibility of them being in danger because of you is still there.

My addict stbxAH threatened me before he left. The last thing I heard from him was threatening language. He was also acting very aggressively. This was my breaking point. People have a right to be safe from abuse. They have a right to go no contact with you if you abuse them. In fact, it is better for them if they do.

I realize that you were saying those things because you were really worried about your friend, that your intentions were to help them. Regardless of what you tried to do, or not do, the choice to drug was your friend's choice and not yours. You can't control them. There's a video on youtube where they explain addiction by saying that if you point a gun at an alcoholic and tell them, "if you drink that glass of whiskey, I'll shoot you," they are not going to think, "I had better not drink it." They will think, "I wonder if I can drink it before they shoot me" or "I wonder if they will miss my major organs and I'll survive being shot."

The most important thing to do right now is TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN SOBRIETY. Sorry for shouting.

Please get some help at Naranon. Get some face to face help. Don't sit around feeling guilty because your friend made some bad life choices. You have to let them bear the consequences of their actions the way that you have to bear yours. You threatening violence didn't cause them to drug and can't stop them from drugging.

Another way to look at it is this: they respect you enough to cut off contact with you while they are in self-destruct mode. Imagine if they started using drugs again and they were still in contact with you. Do you know what they would be doing with your friendship? You'll likely become a walking ATM machine. You'll get sucked into their drama. You'll come out feeling worse than you feel now.

HardLessons

Hi KI

Yes when trying to reason with our addicts frustration levels can & in my case often did go completely off the charts.

Unfortunately during these times of extreme frustration, I also verbally blasted her. I said all kinds of bad things. It happened countless times. Her reactions to it would range from laughter, to defensive banter, to outright verbal war. Hurt feelings & real tears were not uncommon.

I was wrong to do that to her. I always apologized shortly after. She would also apologize to me. But she never changed a thing. My verbal attacks never worked. Also silence never worked either. Nothing worked because she didn't want to change.

I don't think its right for us to totally loose our cool with them just because they are addicts. No matter what & all that we do for them. They are what they are. We have to accept what they are & let go for their well being as well as our own.

If your friends have disappeared from your life because of what you said (& I don't believe that's all there is too it) then respect their wishes & let them be. If they resurface in the future, apologize for your threatening words. Please also don't follow through on any of your threats.

Thanks

teatreeoil007

I think we've all said things we regret; words we cannot take back. I realize you regret saying those things....and it's hard to live with regret. I regret plenty of things I've said/done or not done. Times/situations I could have spoken up in an assertive way, not an aggressive way. But, LESSON LEARNED. I learned to hold my tongue better...because I learned the hard way that when the person on the other end of the exchange isn't receptive....it just doesn't go over well at all. Some people do respond to threats....but for many, it just drives them further away and they put up walls and perhaps even dig their heels in deeper to continue to do what they want to do.

Good job on your own sobriety...you should be proud.

In time, I hope you can let go of regret because regret is a hard thing to live with.

Hechosedrugs

I agree with Hardlessons. I'm not buying it for a minute that your threats are what drove him away. More likely, it's that he realized you were becoming a threat to his habit.

There's no sense in beating yourself up over this. If you haven't yet, making amends is appropriate- and this doesn't have to be to him directly. You may decide that you are too vulnerable and don't want to leave that door open- that reaching out to him might result in the reopening of what was not a healthy relationship. In that case, you can always write a letter that does or does not get sent.

I think most of us can sympathize with what you are going through. We've all said things we didn't mean, and reached our breaking points in one way or another.

Going to face-to-face meetings has helped many of us immensely. I'd even go so far as to say they saved my life.

Many blessings

OpheliaKatz

It occurred to me that they may have also disappeared out of shame because they know you are not going to approve of their actions/choices.

It's likely that you'll hear from your friend again... maybe... in a couple of months/years, when or if they do decide to enter recovery.

"you can always write a letter that does or does not get sent." <-- this is also a great idea.

killerinstinct

Hello guys, so grateful to have you all to talk to. I felt like I was going crazy not having anyone to talk to. I think I am angry at myself. For all of the money, time, energy, tears, prayers, sleepless nights and sweat that I invested in this person. I hate myself and and disappointed in myself for being so stupid with how I managed him. I tried my best to be there for him and help him and then in the end I exploded and its all my fault now while he walks away oblivious to my devastation. I never should have spoken to him that way but I didn’t deserve to be treated this way by him. I was a loyal friend who cared so much for him and bent over backwards to help him over 4 years. I ran to his aid at 3am so many times I can not tell you how many times I dropped everything to help him when he was high and scared. I only have myself to blame.

OpheliaKatz

It's okay, I felt the same way when I first reached out for help. The addict's behavior is crazy-making.

Not everyone knows how to cope with being the friend or family member of an addict, it is a very specialized skill that most people would rather not have to have. Most people, when confronted with someone they care about who is "sick" in this way, would do what you did. Forgive yourself.

It's not your fault he walked away. He chose to walk away. He has free will. You didn't Svengali him into any of his decisions. He could have reacted in a variety of ways when you exploded at him. Let me give you some options: 1) he could have been violent, 2) he could have given you the silent treatment for a few days, 3) he could have done the decent thing, waited for you to calm down, and then told you that he would call his sponsor (if he has one) and go back to rehab. Options 1 and 2 aren't great. Option 3 is the best... in case it wasn't obvious. :-)

1) You should not have threatened him.
2) His treatment of you has nothing to do with what you deserve. No one deserves anything in life. There are no prizes and punishments. There are only actions and consequences. His treatment of you has to do with his personal problem with relating to you, and you exploding at him set off the behavior that he would have exhibited eventually as an active addict.

The only reward for loyalty is the love you feel for the object of your devotion. You did not have to do the things you did. You did them because presumably you felt friendly love for the guy. It is unfortunate that he used you. It is also unfortunate that you kept doing those things... that is where the "mistake" was made (if there was any mistake made). Everyone makes mistakes.

Again, you are not to blame for the fact that he did not reciprocate loyalty even though prior to him leaving you, he had not been behaving like someone who was loyal to you anyway. If you argue that he was a loyal friend, I would argue that it's not possible to have deep relationships when a person is in active addiction, because the addict's focus is always on their DOC (how to get it, how to avoid not having it, when to use it next, etc...). It is not possible to have deep relationships even though they may sincerely want a deep relationship.

You can only take responsibility for your own actions in this case. Please see if you can go to Naranon, because they can really help. Also check out Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More".

Be nice to yourself. You spent all this time looking out for someone else. Now your feelings are hurt and you have to look after your feelings. Go for a run. Take a hot bath. Listen to some music. Forgive yourself.

killerinstinct

Thank you for your feedback means a lot to me everyday I take a couple steps forward and a couple back. I just wish that things were different. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask what on earth is the place that we live in. I understanding life is scary for a lot of people not just the addicts. I think maybe if the addict new that we were all scared not just them then they would feel safer about feeling their feelings.

zoso77

Well...one way to look at this is none of us are immune to doing something awful within the context of a relationship with an addict. I certainly did a lot of awful, self destructive stuff.

My salvation was going to Al Anon out of desperation. And when I listened to the mothers of addicted children and how they dealt with their struggles, something clicked. We can be angry and hurt and have solid justification for feeling that way, but when we allow those ugly feelings to influence our behavior, that's not good.

So this is when you look back at what you did, get honest with yourself as to why you did it, accepted you messed up, and then make peace with it. There's nothing you can do to change the past. You can only impact your future.

Besides, who here hasn't effed up?...

killerinstinct

You’re right we all have made mistakes. In an ideal world it never would have ended in such a **** way. I think it’s going to take a long time for me to heal from my regret. It pops up in my mind every day. I never should have been so nasty it wasn’t necessary. Oh well live and learn they say.

PeacefulWater12

My experience has been it wasn't anything I ever said to drinkers or addicts that made them leave my life, it was that they sensed I was done enabling them. Whether that be giving money, or playing the supporting role in their theatre drama script or dropping everything to rush in to rescue them or generally cleaning up their mess that is theirs to clean.

OR that they have found someone else to obtain the above from.

Often they come back if another source dries up.

I hope you find peace with this.