Set a boundary, got a reaction
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Set a boundary, got a reaction
My husband and I finally said to our niece, you have 6 months more of free rent/meals and then you start paying rent or leave. (After 14 years of trying to help, and the last 10 months her living here and getting worse)
Oh, golly, did we get a reaction.
If you've ever set a boundary with an addict, you don't have to hear the details to know what it was like... all day of texting with all the usual blaming, accusing, etc.
While I think this is a necessary wake up call for her - it is so hard to be the target of all the raging, accusations and refusal to acknowledge there is a problem and she's part of it. And it is equally difficult to see her in so much pain and working so hard to avoid the very things that would free her.
I get it - at 36 she has messed up her life so bad that being on her own is terrifying - and maybe facing her truth is even more terrifying. We offer to go to a therapist together, but there really is no interest in anything but us continuing to support her indefinitely while she does whatever she wants.
I can't imagine what this type of thing is like for parents - she is my niece and has pretty much ripped my heart out. It has to be worse for parents.
Anyway, just an update and asking for anyone who reads this to just send me some positive thoughts or prayers.
I don't know where this is headed - I fantasize about having a rational conversation with her, but I just don't think she's there yet.
One day at a time...
Oh, golly, did we get a reaction.
If you've ever set a boundary with an addict, you don't have to hear the details to know what it was like... all day of texting with all the usual blaming, accusing, etc.
While I think this is a necessary wake up call for her - it is so hard to be the target of all the raging, accusations and refusal to acknowledge there is a problem and she's part of it. And it is equally difficult to see her in so much pain and working so hard to avoid the very things that would free her.
I get it - at 36 she has messed up her life so bad that being on her own is terrifying - and maybe facing her truth is even more terrifying. We offer to go to a therapist together, but there really is no interest in anything but us continuing to support her indefinitely while she does whatever she wants.
I can't imagine what this type of thing is like for parents - she is my niece and has pretty much ripped my heart out. It has to be worse for parents.
Anyway, just an update and asking for anyone who reads this to just send me some positive thoughts or prayers.
I don't know where this is headed - I fantasize about having a rational conversation with her, but I just don't think she's there yet.
One day at a time...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello Troubledone,
Oh, yeah, I get it. My stepson has thrown some amazing adult temper tantrums when a boundary was set. The young man can be very threatening.
As much as it hurt, the late Mr. Seren did ask his son to leave. "Jr." was given 30 days notice to move and was offered 6 months rent and deposit on an apartment as long as he didn't do drugs, had a job, and stayed out of trouble with the law. He blew all of that on what was his last weekend in the house.
He believed he wouldn't still be made to leave, but he was. All the while storming about, slamming things around, throwing things, but out he went in a cloud of dust and hate-filled words.
Still, the peace afterward was amazing!!!! Worth every last painful moment of that weekend
Oh, yeah, I get it. My stepson has thrown some amazing adult temper tantrums when a boundary was set. The young man can be very threatening.
As much as it hurt, the late Mr. Seren did ask his son to leave. "Jr." was given 30 days notice to move and was offered 6 months rent and deposit on an apartment as long as he didn't do drugs, had a job, and stayed out of trouble with the law. He blew all of that on what was his last weekend in the house.
He believed he wouldn't still be made to leave, but he was. All the while storming about, slamming things around, throwing things, but out he went in a cloud of dust and hate-filled words.
Still, the peace afterward was amazing!!!! Worth every last painful moment of that weekend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Seren
Thank you for your hopeful post. I am counting the days to peace. I wouldn't mind the battle if there was some progress, it is the futility that is impossible to take (for me).
I can feel the peace in your words. Thanks for the post!
Thank you for your hopeful post. I am counting the days to peace. I wouldn't mind the battle if there was some progress, it is the futility that is impossible to take (for me).
I can feel the peace in your words. Thanks for the post!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
6 months sounds very generous. Sending you positive thoughts for the upcoming days and months. I think you are an exceptional aunt. 
If see keeps giving you grief you can always tell her that 6 months can be moved up at anytime at your discretion.
GM
If see keeps giving you grief you can always tell her that 6 months can be moved up at anytime at your discretion.
GM
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sending you a big hug! It's so awful when those you love make such bad choices.
It was enlightening to me at one point to have a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction tell me that when you continue to enable an addict, you are robbing them of any chance they may ever have at getting well. That your discontinuance of enabling will never ensure they will recover, but your continuance of enabling will 100% ensure they wont. Powerful words.
Stay with your own boundaries and try to not take it personally.
It was enlightening to me at one point to have a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction tell me that when you continue to enable an addict, you are robbing them of any chance they may ever have at getting well. That your discontinuance of enabling will never ensure they will recover, but your continuance of enabling will 100% ensure they wont. Powerful words.
Stay with your own boundaries and try to not take it personally.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Troubledone
... it is the futility that is impossible to take (for me).
If she is afraid of being alone, she can go to meetings, meet live support and have all the (healthy) friends she wants.
Adults work and learn to support themselves, however humbly. Adults with disabilities including anxiety and psychological disabilities, find help with the people who can help them...and those people are not "us".
Her refusal to get counseling or to do anything positive for herself is an indication of her lack of interest in changing.
I remember the peace when my son left, the quietude and calm that set in and changed my home from a war zone to a safe place of peace once more.
You are doing the right thing and forcing her to take care of herself, a lesson long overdue I think.
The days of letting anyone else live in my home is long gone. I don't even like company after 3 days.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
thanks to all for all your wise words and support.
It is now a few days after the boundary and the reaction and yesterday it got really crazy. The good news is that I live in a city that has a mobile psychiatric program and when things got really dramatic, while my husband and I remained calm, I called them and thankfully they came in time.
They did a great job of talking with all of us, did an evaluation and the result was that my niece agreed to get help (and actually made an appointment that day), and we agreed to family counseling - we made two appointments together just after the mobile team left. And we are at least talking again. She is up this morning, getting ready to go to a job she found.
I'm not getting too elated yet because after 14 years I know things go up and down, but for today I am grateful that a log-jam seams to have broken and something is flowing again.
And I am going into this with eyes wide open. I am taking it one day at a time, I am resolved to evaluate each step and ask my HP for guidance, I am willing to look at my own faults and I believe that if I continue in this vein we will have the best outcome that is possible given the choices people make. I don't think I can ask for more than that.
Thanking my HP for all you wonderful people!
It is now a few days after the boundary and the reaction and yesterday it got really crazy. The good news is that I live in a city that has a mobile psychiatric program and when things got really dramatic, while my husband and I remained calm, I called them and thankfully they came in time.
They did a great job of talking with all of us, did an evaluation and the result was that my niece agreed to get help (and actually made an appointment that day), and we agreed to family counseling - we made two appointments together just after the mobile team left. And we are at least talking again. She is up this morning, getting ready to go to a job she found.
I'm not getting too elated yet because after 14 years I know things go up and down, but for today I am grateful that a log-jam seams to have broken and something is flowing again.
And I am going into this with eyes wide open. I am taking it one day at a time, I am resolved to evaluate each step and ask my HP for guidance, I am willing to look at my own faults and I believe that if I continue in this vein we will have the best outcome that is possible given the choices people make. I don't think I can ask for more than that.
Thanking my HP for all you wonderful people!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am just going to throw this out there. Family counseling with an active addict is futile at best. Please keep your boundaries in mind and have a plan in place for enforcing those boundaries for yourself.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
amen to keeping the boundaries - and we'll find out if she's actively using or what..
she has ADHD and other issues - so I am just grateful for an outside perspective.
I am pretty sure that if she isn't really interested in improving, she'll find a way to duck out of the appointment. And if that happens, I know what to do.
I am thinking that letting go and letting God at this stage is about knowing my boundaries, living one day at a time and responding to reality as it presents itself. If we are moving forward, great. If not, boundary time.
And the outcome is not in my hands.
Thanks all for the reminders!!!
she has ADHD and other issues - so I am just grateful for an outside perspective.
I am pretty sure that if she isn't really interested in improving, she'll find a way to duck out of the appointment. And if that happens, I know what to do.
I am thinking that letting go and letting God at this stage is about knowing my boundaries, living one day at a time and responding to reality as it presents itself. If we are moving forward, great. If not, boundary time.
And the outcome is not in my hands.
Thanks all for the reminders!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I vaguely remember some sort of legal requirement to inform someone in writing that they could no longer live in the house if that same someone had a history of receiving mail there.
You may want to look into this - if anything, it tells your niece that this is no joke.
You may want to look into this - if anything, it tells your niece that this is no joke.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
My son's "friend" lived with us for several months and has been receiving mail. I wrote about it in a long, rambling thread a few minutes ago. Anyway, husband had enough of him and told him he had 48 hours to get out, and I guess we're lucky that he did simply leave, given that info posted above!!
To the author of this thread, good for you for setting boundaries. I hope your niece keeps the appointment and will find recovery. Sending you positive vibes and good intentions!!
To the author of this thread, good for you for setting boundaries. I hope your niece keeps the appointment and will find recovery. Sending you positive vibes and good intentions!!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Laws vary by state, and it does not matter if they are paying rent or not, but after 30 days of continuing to live with you and claiming it is their residence, someone is a legal tenant and usually needs to be evicted if they do not want to leave on their own accord. 
This is my understanding of the Landlord-Tenant Acts of most states.
This is my understanding of the Landlord-Tenant Acts of most states.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Troubledone: Sending up prayers for you and your family.
It sounds as though you've taken positive steps. We'd had help in the past via a crisis team intervention service for children and adolescents, which included many visits to our home, and I will forever be grateful. I am hoping the mobile team is helpful for you as well, that you feel supported.
It sounds as though you've taken positive steps. We'd had help in the past via a crisis team intervention service for children and adolescents, which included many visits to our home, and I will forever be grateful. I am hoping the mobile team is helpful for you as well, that you feel supported.
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