Confused
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Join Date: May 2012
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Confused
I have moved on since my Co dependant addiction ex boyfriend . Just the last few weeks we have been talking more and I wasent paying much attension . Not talking much when he call or text . Then he drops that he found a girl and he wants to date her. He has said this to me millions of time and has been with lots of chicks since we stop dating .Usually it doesn’t bug me but for some reason it did. Stupid thing is I have moved on with a new man for awhile now . So we have been talking lots lately . Visit once with each other. Basically am falling for him again . Is it possible to love two men ? I know he is toxic for me and I know all the heartache what comes with him . Difference is that he been somewhat clean for a 4 years now . Am stupid I know , I am happy with my new partner he is what I was looking for all those nights I cry myself to sleep when I was with my ex . I just don’t know anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Hi sadness
My middle name is confusion. But what I have learned is that I created my own confusion. I have been working hard over the past several months to sort out that confusion. Sort out fact & reality from fantasy. It has not been easy to do. I am making progress.
Thanks
My middle name is confusion. But what I have learned is that I created my own confusion. I have been working hard over the past several months to sort out that confusion. Sort out fact & reality from fantasy. It has not been easy to do. I am making progress.
Thanks
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: barrie
Posts: 11
I am happy that you are making progress .I haven’t got to that stage yet but this morning marks two mornings that’s I didn’t text him like I’ve been doing . When you wrote From reality and fantasy it got me thinking . Being confused is a painful and heartache time which I thought I would never feel again
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, sadness.
Sometimes I think it is more difficult to give up the idea of being with someone than giving up the person him/herself.
Recognizing that you had a toxic relationship is important.
Though he is somewhat clean now (what exactly does somewhat mean, anyway?)
There are no guarantees.
Your head knows what you should do.
Just gotta get your heart to follow.
Peace.
Sometimes I think it is more difficult to give up the idea of being with someone than giving up the person him/herself.
Recognizing that you had a toxic relationship is important.
Though he is somewhat clean now (what exactly does somewhat mean, anyway?)
There are no guarantees.
Your head knows what you should do.
Just gotta get your heart to follow.
Peace.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: barrie
Posts: 11
I don’t know why I want to be with him because am in a relationship right now . Am guessing is because the man am with now is always working which is not a bad thing but am basically alone during the week and only see him on weekends and if am not working myself . Then he is busy fixing things and doing things he couldn’t do during the week. Such as cut the grass , do maintenance to our cars and stuff around our house which we own together . I am feeling lonely and needed someone to fill the space and my ex was doing that . I have given thought to your comments giving up on the thought of being in a relationship with him even thought I may think of it from time to time . I was so sure I was over and done with him it’s been years since we dated . Then I started talking more with him and fell right back into where we left off it’s like we just picked up . It was nice when we talked nice and then he says he worried about me and so on but then he pops in saying stuff which he knows hurts me to know end . Some days I don’t think he clean which he says he is .but I learn never to trust what comes out of his mouth .someone once told me how do you know if an Addict is laying when he is talking . Some days I think that’s true . What is clean? he has so many terms what he thinks is clean . Such as he can smoke weed cause it legal and it’s only here and there, it’s not like the hard stuff what he trying to stay away from but he is still clean drinking more methadone then he suppose to is ok because it’s his medicine he takes. So being clean to me is actually trying to stay away from toxic things that once harm your well being and life or actually staying away from them. Working on yourself for the better and no falling into old habits which I think am doing . There are days where we are so good but other days it’s hell. So today 12:46 pm I am working and I have not message him once yet ! I am happy that I haven’t even tho I may think of him from time to time. We are toxic and codependent on each other . I do love him but I don’t like being treated poorly , ex talking about having sex with my friends and sister . Telling me I should do things in bed which I don’t feel comfortable doing . Then he tells me about his adventure with other women . Time does help but I hate waiting and I wish time would go by fast so I don’t have to feel the hurt anymore .
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Such as he can smoke weed cause it legal and it’s only here and there, it’s not like the hard stuff what he trying to stay away from but he is still clean drinking more methadone then he suppose to is ok because it’s his medicine he takes.
So being clean to me is actually trying to stay away from toxic things that once harm your well being and life or actually staying away from them.
Am guessing is because the man am with now is always working which is not a bad thing but am basically alone during the week and only see him on weekends and if am not working myself . Then he is busy fixing things and doing things he couldn’t do during the week. Such as cut the grass , do maintenance to our cars and stuff around our house which we own together . I am feeling lonely and needed someone to fill the space and my ex was doing that .
I can only speak for myself, but I used to feel so guilty when I missed the first days of courtship with my husband. The excitement and the thrill of falling in love. And now we talk about stuff like fixing our walkway and managing our parents' medical appointments. It does get mundane.
So of course I get a little buzz when a man flirts with me. It brings me back to the excitement of those times. I may even indulge in a fantasy every now and then. But I make every effort to shut that crap right down. Life is complicated enough.
There was a time where I was fixated on a particular ex. We weren't talking or anything but it was really getting ridiculous. I ended up telling my husband about it, and it really was the best thing I ever did. First, he was very understanding about it, especially when he realized that I hadn't even spoken to the guy and didn't have any intention to. Second, it took the fantasy element right out the window and any thrill I had thinking about him was replaced by a giant thud.
I have no idea what your relationship is like with your current partner, so I can't tell you if this course of action is best. I will say that you might want to check out the forums on other websites dedicated to marriage or infidelity. The pain of those betrayed spouses is quite real, and the struggles of repentant waywards who realize that they threw out a solid relationship for a fantasy can be pretty heartbreaking.
One practical suggestion: if you're lonely during weekends, there's nothing stopping you from doing something that you like. Go hiking, knit, sing, whatever (you're probably thinking - who the hell is this chick?). Fill the void with something that you're proud of doing. Don't fill it with the Ex.
Have you considered just going No Contact with him? As they say around here, no new contact, no new hurts.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Okay, just to clarify: He claims to be clean but is on Methadone? Is that right? Also smokes pot once in awhile? This may just be my opinion, but for anyone who is truly an addict, smoking pot once in a while doesn't cut clean and sober. Pot is a mind altering substance. People seem to thinks it's not. As to the whole methadone program: I try not to judge people who are on it. But, (bear with me) in a way, it's a bit of an oxymoron. It's an opiate. Sure, it's not street heroin and is considered a safer alternative. But here is what often happens with methadone: They keep upping the dose. Yeah.....And another thing...people who are "stable" on methadone still miss being high because they build a tolerance to it and they still crave the highs...so they start to seek out other drugs...I've taken care of babies trying to wean them off methadone from methadone mothers....and it is one of the most brutal withdrawals and takes the longest...something to think about with your ex in case you are tempted to jump into a full blown relationship with him again.
Now, back to you: I didn't mean to get side tracked, but I've been known to get on my soapboxes now and then.
This is really about you and your relationship needs.
You are missing something in your current relationship and perhaps that needs exploring. We co-dependents tend to veer into relationships to feel needed, accepted, loved, the list goes on. But: It ALWAYS comes back to us needing to stay on track with knowing that the primary relationship we need to be good with is the relationship with ourselves and finding our OWN fulfillment in life, irregardless of what anyone else in our lives is doing or saying....this is what it comes back to and really EXAMINING ourselves that way. Your current man sounds like he works a lot. Do you have a job? Maybe you have too much time on your hands while he is so busy...and maybe he needs to slow down a bit and give you more quality time. Just a thought. Take care...
Now, back to you: I didn't mean to get side tracked, but I've been known to get on my soapboxes now and then.
This is really about you and your relationship needs.
You are missing something in your current relationship and perhaps that needs exploring. We co-dependents tend to veer into relationships to feel needed, accepted, loved, the list goes on. But: It ALWAYS comes back to us needing to stay on track with knowing that the primary relationship we need to be good with is the relationship with ourselves and finding our OWN fulfillment in life, irregardless of what anyone else in our lives is doing or saying....this is what it comes back to and really EXAMINING ourselves that way. Your current man sounds like he works a lot. Do you have a job? Maybe you have too much time on your hands while he is so busy...and maybe he needs to slow down a bit and give you more quality time. Just a thought. Take care...
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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What was that movie where the guy was talking about how women lie about how many sexual partners they have, and whatever number they give you, it's actually 3 times that amount?
I have a feeling addicts are the same way. Only whatever amount they admit to, it's probably really more than 3 times that. Maybe ten.
"Somewhat clean"- RED FLAG, RED FLAG!
Also, you have guy who's handy and actually fixes stuff without you having to ask him to for months on end? Hold on to that one! Just kidding. Of course that's not enough to make a relationship work. But it is nice. And it certainly seems like a safer bet than the other option you're considering.
All the best.
I have a feeling addicts are the same way. Only whatever amount they admit to, it's probably really more than 3 times that. Maybe ten.
"Somewhat clean"- RED FLAG, RED FLAG!
Also, you have guy who's handy and actually fixes stuff without you having to ask him to for months on end? Hold on to that one! Just kidding. Of course that's not enough to make a relationship work. But it is nice. And it certainly seems like a safer bet than the other option you're considering.
All the best.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: barrie
Posts: 11
I have done so many hobby people are thinking I’ve become and old lady knitting a scarf , planner stickers , making homemade bath balm lip balm ,cream , facials dyi , natural skin care and so on , sewing and sewing classes .cooking and cleaning the house lol I know that’s not a hobby . Reading , watching movies , Netflix gardening . Making a budget planner. Hiking snowshoeing . I’ve done so much I think am going crazy . I even done those colouring books plus I watch YouTube and try out some craft ideas I learn online. I take weekly trips to Michaels and dollar stores. I also sign myself up for paint classes which cost 40 dollars every time I go plus I bought an easel and paints. So I can work on them at home . I have tons of stuff I have made in sewing class around my house plus painting I’ve painted in paint class. Did I mention I love painting ceramics they are everywhere in my house aswell . It’s like am going crazy . Today I work and now am home cleaning cooking, filling in my planner and watching Netflix going to the gym and yoga also I’ve been trying mediation .Well my boyfriend outside fixing his car for winter . So it’s another weekend alone. I never looked at it as the honeymoon stage but I do agree with you I miss it dearly . Now he works nights and I work days so we never see each other during the week and on weekends I work every other weekend . The weekends am off he usually fixing or doing stuff around the house . I agree hearing my ex talk to me heck pay attention to me made me feel real good . (My partner and my ex are two different people like night and day .)I have talk him about it ( my man is the quiet type never yells never fights , basically an introvert. ) I will check out the other forums am just so afraid of him my ex reading my feelings as for my partner he knows my feelings I just think he thinks everything will be ok give it time . As I read all your helpful posts I have realize that am lonely and looking for the compassion we once had. I am looking for it in the wrong places my ex he give me the attention and the so call love then I fall back into our triangle of co dependancy . I will
Try and talk to my partner tonight if he comes in before am alseep . I just gotta get my head and heart going towards the same result .
Try and talk to my partner tonight if he comes in before am alseep . I just gotta get my head and heart going towards the same result .
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Hi, again, sadness.
It is worth talking about this with your partner. Not in accusatory way, just “I would love for us to do more together.”
Doesn’t have to be walking hand in hand into the sunset, but maybe you work outside at the same time?
He cuts the grass while you garden?
Or maybe assemble raised beds together?
My spouse and I go our separate ways alot.
He likes tv sports. I do not, so we are often doing different things in different rooms.
But we like to walk together, and often go to the gym together.
I’ll walk on the track while he shoots baskets.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like your partner is a tinkerer, and working on his projects is relaxing for him. My father was like that, and it did, at times, drive my mother round the bend.
I would work really hard on the relationship I have, and kick to the curb contact with the old SO.
He is not “clean and sober.”
And we want to avoid addicts because they are just plain trouble.
It is worth talking about this with your partner. Not in accusatory way, just “I would love for us to do more together.”
Doesn’t have to be walking hand in hand into the sunset, but maybe you work outside at the same time?
He cuts the grass while you garden?
Or maybe assemble raised beds together?
My spouse and I go our separate ways alot.
He likes tv sports. I do not, so we are often doing different things in different rooms.
But we like to walk together, and often go to the gym together.
I’ll walk on the track while he shoots baskets.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like your partner is a tinkerer, and working on his projects is relaxing for him. My father was like that, and it did, at times, drive my mother round the bend.
I would work really hard on the relationship I have, and kick to the curb contact with the old SO.
He is not “clean and sober.”
And we want to avoid addicts because they are just plain trouble.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I have moved on since my Co dependant addiction ex boyfriend .
Kind of like the addict who says I’m clean, but still smokes pot, still goes for methadone and has beers on the weekends.
Your new relationship can’t thrive because you are still tending to your old one.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Mixing in other drugs such as weed & alcohol is not being clean nor is it recovery. Methadone is a powerful drug & mixing in other drugs is against clinic rules & is dangerous. Methadone related deaths are on the rise.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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It also sounds like you are indeed a busy person too...but even amidst all that you may not be feeling fulfilled by it all...thus seeking out comfort and a bit of a thrill from the good "vibes" you get from the ex. It sounds like you've got a good man in your current partner. Maybe look at ways to enrich THAT relationship. But, of course, the relationship within yourself needs to take first place...if we are not right within ourselves no amount of trying to make relationships with others will be quite right...sorta right, at times, but not quite right. It sounds like you've got a lot of things you sure like to do and that's good, but sometimes even all those things take up too much of our time as well. Do you have a job? Maybe I missed that. Having meaningful, rewarding work is sometimes a bonus for some people. I don't know about you....One thing I've noticed with some couple is when on person works a lot and the other doesn't they are not on the same page that way and it can cause a rift.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I really feel bad for the current man, who is doing all the right things as far as going to work, taking care of chores, being present (I assume not drunk/on drugs.)
Have you talked to your current guy and told him you feel lonely? Could you increase your hours at work so he doesn't have to work so much? Can you make a date night? How about working on the chores together. Everyone has to work and do chores. I think you need to resolve your issues with this current man and if it isn't working, spend your mental energy fixing that - whether it's practical things like I mentioned above or counseling for you so that you can learn to appreciate what you have and stop looking around.
Eyes on your own paper!
Have you talked to your current guy and told him you feel lonely? Could you increase your hours at work so he doesn't have to work so much? Can you make a date night? How about working on the chores together. Everyone has to work and do chores. I think you need to resolve your issues with this current man and if it isn't working, spend your mental energy fixing that - whether it's practical things like I mentioned above or counseling for you so that you can learn to appreciate what you have and stop looking around.
Eyes on your own paper!
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It’s easy to get addicted to drama...all that adrenaline jacking us up. After a while, anything less than dramatic highs and lows feels...dull.
Give it some time and really try to appreciate what your current partner offers...I’m pretty sure I heard a lot of voices yelling of “give him to me!!! when you described him.
It’s also human nature to value something because somebody else now sort of has it. But both you and your ex are treating these people pretty poorly by flirting behind their backs, yes?
As for “somewhat clean”...first, that’s like “somewhat pregnant.” Second, that’s only what he’s telling you...doesn’t make it true.
You’ve been there, done that. Maybe try a different way now.
Give it some time and really try to appreciate what your current partner offers...I’m pretty sure I heard a lot of voices yelling of “give him to me!!! when you described him.
It’s also human nature to value something because somebody else now sort of has it. But both you and your ex are treating these people pretty poorly by flirting behind their backs, yes?
As for “somewhat clean”...first, that’s like “somewhat pregnant.” Second, that’s only what he’s telling you...doesn’t make it true.
You’ve been there, done that. Maybe try a different way now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Prior bf:
1. Smoking weed isn't being clean.
2. Taking methadone (and more than he should) isn't being clean.
3. He says sexual things about other women that make you uncomfortable.
4. He wanted you to do sexual things that made you uncomfortable.
5. You don't trust him, with good reason. He does not sound trustworthy at all.
I'm sure there are more but these are pretty glaring. He's bad news. Stay away.
Your current boyfriend seems like a good guy but you are not happy, he does not spend enough time with you. Can you work things out with him? Maybe yes, maybe no. You don't have to stay with him either if you're unhappy. These two men are not the only choices. Being single is also a choice and can be very good.
1. Smoking weed isn't being clean.
2. Taking methadone (and more than he should) isn't being clean.
3. He says sexual things about other women that make you uncomfortable.
4. He wanted you to do sexual things that made you uncomfortable.
5. You don't trust him, with good reason. He does not sound trustworthy at all.
I'm sure there are more but these are pretty glaring. He's bad news. Stay away.
Your current boyfriend seems like a good guy but you are not happy, he does not spend enough time with you. Can you work things out with him? Maybe yes, maybe no. You don't have to stay with him either if you're unhappy. These two men are not the only choices. Being single is also a choice and can be very good.
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