Abby2690

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. When I met him, I was under the impression he only did cocaine recreationally. We hung out all the time and he wouldn't do it. About 2 months ago I went on vacation and I come back to him doing it almost daily. And when he does do it, he does so much that he goes into psychosis and paranoia. He thinks people are in the house, thinks walls are moving, etc. He even called the police on himself thinking someone was in the house and got arrested. He is now on probation. The unique part about his situation is that he is very successful at his job. He makes a very good living, has 2 cars, a house, etc. I guess he is a functioning addict... I was not aware until recently that he's always had issues with cocaine but I guess never to the severe extent he is at now. I am worried for the future with his job.

So since things have gotten worse, he keeps saying he will get help but he never does. His house is a disaster, food all over, garbage in piles around his bed. When I first met him it was never like this. I'm truly worried for him. Our relationship has gotten so bad - he's gotten very nasty ... he makes everything a joke... we just sit inside in the dark and do whatever he wants (usually watching re-run movies) .. every time I ask to watch a certain movie the answer is no.. if I ask to go to a restaurant, the answer is no... sometimes I'll make plans for us to meet up with my dad for dinner or go into the city and he will purposely act extra nasty so it starts a fight and he can use that as an excuse not to go. He will provoke fights to get "upset" so he can do cocaine. Anything I want now doesn't matter. There is an excuse for pretty much everything. Even plans for me to come over his house are cancelled pretty frequently now... we barely see each other cause he just does coke almost nightly. I am very worried for him but every time I bring it up he says I just love being negative and making him feel bad.

It hurts me so much to know he would go out with his ex girlfriends in the past, take them to nice dinners, go on fun outings with them, etc etc but this is what I get. I know deep down it's his drug addiction that prevents him from being that version of himself again.. but it deeply hurts me because I feel like I don't mean enough to him for him to want to stop. He moved to another state with his ex gf to get away so he could stop doing coke. I get very jealous and wonder why he can't make these changes with me. Instead he is extremely selfish and pretty nasty/irritable on a daily basis. I don't know what to do. I don't want to walk away from him at such a low point in his life but I feel I may have to. It's starting to get me really down and depressed too. I try to be positive for him but it's hard when he's nasty or ditches our plans. He keeps telling me he believes I love my own sadness and I bring it upon myself. Well ditching our plans twice a week go do cocaine isn't exactly a reason to be happy. It starts to hurt, deeply. I'm becoming more and more damaged every day. I help him clean up his messes, I get him positivity cards to brighten his day, I remind him I care... but the positivity starts to feel like it's not even worth it cause what I do is never appreciated.

AnvilheadII

well ditching our plans twice a week go do cocaine isn't exactly a reason to be happy.

or a reason to keep dating someone.

he's showing you who he is. what he has to offer. his cocaine problem is not NEW.....it's just new to you. it's really really best FOR YOU to end things now. he has options. there are solutions. this is not anything you want to be further involved in. six months is plenty of time.....

Maudcat

H, Abby.
Welcome.
Sounds like an abusive relationship with an actively using addict.
There is nothing, not one thing, that sounds good to me about your relationship.
I know you said he has a good job, etc., but that won’t last, guarantee it.
Guard your credit card and any other financial info and get the heck out of there!

tomsteve

welcome,abby.
a couple things id like to comment on:
I was under the impression he only did cocaine recreationally.
that was probably the impression he wanted you to believe, yet i havent ever known someone to do coke "recreationally."


The unique part about his situation is that he is very successful at his job.
not really unique- quite a few addicts and alcoholics are very successful. quite often their job life can be spotless, making people ( including the addict or alcoholic themselves) call them "high functioning". remove the worklife and look at the thinking and its closer to no finctioning.

It hurts me so much to know he would go out with his ex girlfriends in the past, take them to nice dinners, go on fun outings with them, etc etc but this is what I get.
this might sound harsh, but i dont know how not to type it any sofer way:
yes, it is what you get, but who is allowing it? why do you continue to be around it?
if its because of :
I don't want to walk away from him at such a low point in his life but I feel I may have to.
you didnt cause it.
you cant control it.
you cant cure it.
look at it this way:
sticking around him aint helpin him any . whats happening is you are being dragged down with him.


im a recovering alkie/addict. im am convinced that the best move every single woman i was ever in a relationship made was to walk away from me. i was only going to drag them down with me- if they allowed it to happen.
it was a very disgusting journey on the way down- filled with lots of gloom,dispair,and agony for all around me.

the longer you stick around, the more damaged you will become.

PLEASE put YOU first and get away.
then you can work on you- learn why you allowed it to happen.