OpheliaKatz

The title. I just found out about trauma bonding, and now I realize the reason why I was in my relationship with AH for so long, why I've been feeling so depressed. Intellectually, I know that going back to a horrible relationship with an addict is a bad idea. I also have no idea where he is, on the street, in a house, in another country, on the moon... who knows? Yet, I miss the possibility of having a fantasy life one day. I don't know, life seems bleak and pointless... or maybe this is just what it is supposed to be like.

I miss having someone to hug -- even a dirty, smelly, mean person who is drugged out of their mind. I could get a dog, but I can't afford to feed one and dogs can't have conversations with you (but neither does the addict, even when they are sober, the conversations sound a bit... you know). I am so angry that I spent so many years settling for less than I deserve and now I have less than I need, less than any human being needs.

My addict has bankrupted me. My addict destroyed my career. My addict has fed me a steady stream of lies -- lies upon lies. At least they sounded plausible. As time went on and their addiction progressed, and it became obvious to me that they were really addicted (it was impossible for them to hide it), they lies became outlandish. They were not just lying about things they hid from me, but things they promised me were crazy. We would walk though a fancy neighborhood on the way to his doctor, and he would point at the fancy houses and say, "One day, I'm going to get you one of those, so don't worry, don't worry about my drug use. I know what I'm doing. I'm going to get you one of those fancy houses, you don't have to keep freaking out about money. I promise. You'll see. I'll get a job." Just remembering him say that makes me want to cry because I think he was so deluded he actually believed this lie he was telling me. How could it not be possible that he didn't know that I knew... we were going to be living in poverty forever... on whatever meager salary I could draw each week, while he begged me for money to buy more drugs every time I took home my pay.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of the things that have happened to me are my fault. I should have had my eyes open. I should not have kept rescuing someone who really did not want to be rescued (or was going to drown anyway). I keep blaming myself. I keep having panic attacks. I don't know how to move forward to get claim my life back. I mean, I can't rewind time and be younger and prettier and thinner, and somehow magically attract the right sort of person with whom I can adopt a beautiful family. I also wish I knew more people who were single by circumstance or choice. I don't know anyone my age who is single. I am simply not at an age where being single is what people "do", usually.

What did I do to deserve this.

In case anyone gets upset: I didn't say thin was better, however, my doctor tells me to lose weight -- has been telling me this for a while. It's not easy losing weight.

Ann

Wow, Ophelia, that's quite a load you are carrying, every bit of it valid and important. You, and many here, have been to hell and back living with addiction, and it is financially, emotionally and mentally bankrupting.

Here's where you may want to give thought to taking care of yourself in the same way you took care of your addicted loved one and all the chaotic life that went with it.

Some suggestions...pick one...pick two...scoff if you will...but give this some thought.

If you haven't already, join a recovery group and surround yourself with support in real life, just like you do here.

Join a club, a special interest group, where you will meet people who share your interests and you may even...wait for it....have fun!

Take a course, any course. If there is something that can advance (or change) your career, check on line to see if there are free courses because there often are. Or take a course in something that interests you. If there is a community college in your town, maybe see what they may offer, which will again get you out with people you can share an interest with.

Take at least one hour every single day of "me" time, where you can find quietude and peace and just embrace the beauty around you.

Physically, nothing to do with weight, exercise more if even putting on music and dancing your heart out for a set aside time each day. Go for a walk for a half hour...any direction...just go and eventually increase the time. Plan your own program of activity that will help you work off anxiety, fear, stress, and resentments and help you stay healthy as well.

Eat well, again nothing to do with weight, but eating whole foods, fresh fruit and veggies, low fat meat (roast chicken is a favourite with me), and let "treats" be "treats" and not a staple in your diet...again you will have more energy, boost your immune systems and actually "feel" healthy again.

Have an escape plan for those times your mind just won't stay out of dark places of regret, sadness, resentment and anger. A good book that will take you someplace else for a while is a good start. It can be a great recovery book like Codependent No More, or a light novel that takes you to a mystery or comedy or lighthearted reading that will lighten your load as well.

And hear me out on this one...plan a "special savings" just for you...it doesn't matter if every nickel goes to paying bills or food. Even putting $1 away each week will give you $52 at the end of the year to spend on something you love...fresh flowers, a beauty day and manicure, tickets to a play or concert or fun activity that you'd like to go to. A cute piggy bank or a sock under your mattress...$1 a day is worth doing.

Like I said, think about doing one of these things...to start. I promise you will feel better for it. It's the beginning of the "Ophelia Matters Most" program or OMM if you like acronyms.

Doing something good for yourself, even when you don't feel like it...ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it, is the beginning of a new life that eventually will become your new healthy normal way of life. So much better than where either one of us came from.

Hugs of encouragement.

OpheliaKatz

Ann. I like OMM, thank you. I'm just bad at it. I've been in training for years to do AMM (addict matters most). Near the end, I started looking in the mirror and feeling shocked that I'd aged, not because I felt younger than I looked (in fact, I felt like I was 80), but because I forgot what I had looked like -- who was Okatz? I didn't even know, still don't know.

AnvilheadII

I don't know how to move forward to get claim my life back. I mean, I can't rewind time and be younger and prettier and thinner, and somehow magically attract the right sort of person with whom I can adopt a beautiful family. I also wish I knew more people who were single by circumstance or choice. I don't know anyone my age who is single. I am simply not at an age where being single is what people "do", usually.

it's one thing to want to reclaim your life = and quite another to want to be someone who can attract another person to their lives so that they will feel whole. as long as you FEEL you are lacking you will have lack in your life. as long as you THINK that you need to find another in order to be complete, you will live an unfulfilled and somewhat empty life.

being single is not a bad thing. and there ARE lots of other single people out there. and lots of ways to meet other singles, of both genders, and engage in creative fun new activities.

see lack, and you shall have lack.
see abundance, and you have abundance.

OpheliaKatz

I don't know if this feeling will pass, but I'm so angry about the life I had planned having gone to rubbish that I am really not feeling like meeting people. I don't feel like meeting people male or female, but especially male. If I am in a social situation where I can meet new people and I try to talk to them, a voice in my head says, "But what if this person is a lying abusive addict? But what if they find out I was living with a lying abusive addict and they judge me?" Then I feel like running away. I wish I already had a support system besides SR so I didn't feel as if I had to "meet new people". I can't rewind time but I wish I could, because if I could maybe I wouldn't have this problem where I'm now afraid of everything and my shadow. I would have made different choices (I hope). I would have made choices that would have resulted in a life with a family, a better happier life. I think I'm experiencing anger and fear... and grief. So many feelings. I spoke to my lawyer and I was told to write my will... in case AH tries something, cause you know, he's lost his mind.

I am seeing a therapist. Maybe it's not enough. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

hopeful4

I hear you, and hear your pain. I do believe it's a part of the grief. I went through a place where I did not want to do anything or be around anyone. It did pass, and I knew that I had to keep moving forward because it is what was best for me, and would lead me to a better place.

One moment at a time, one baby step at a time friend. Many gentle hugs!

PuzzledHeart

Ophelia, please cut yourself some slack. The human heart is not a light switch that you can just turn on or off. You have endured a trauma that has pressed upon you so deeply that you should expect for its impression to remain behind for quite some time.

When my Ex-Fiance #2 cancelled the wedding, I felt so rejected that I felt no one would touch me. I would go hiking every single week to deal with the turmoil in my head. I also hiked by myself, which freaked many people out but I was so devastated that my own safety was the last thing on my mind.

I one time ran into a group of 50 hikers, and they happened to be a singles' hiking group. I was very nice to them, but I really didn't want to spend my next three hours walking with them, so I deliberately walked slower so they could pass me by.

I overheard a woman say, "Why isn't she hiking with us?"

A man replied, "I guess some people like to be alone." I just wasn't ready to deal with people, and I didn't force myself to do something I wasn't ready to do.

As Anvilhead said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone for a while. Looking back at my life now, I sometimes view the period immediately after the breakup with some nostalgia. It was an opportunity to pursue the interests I had stifled when I was with Ex #2. I got to try things I never even dared dream about. I made new dreams and brought back old ones to replace the ones I lost when Ex#2 left me. My heartache was the impetus, but the overall outcome eventually exceeded the pain that drove me to find out who I really was.

You can get through this. You really can.

Ann

Ophelia, you are in a place we call "In Between" or some call it sitting in the hall waiting for a door to open.

It's where you heal and rest from where you have been, before you find the clarity to decide where it is that you want to go.

Melody Beattie says it so much better than I. Hope this helps a little.

In Between
~Melody Beattie

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of let*ting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in-between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird-in-hand, when there is noth*ing in the bush.

Being in-between can apply to many areas of life and recov*ery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in-between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but were not. We’re standing at the in-between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in-between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.

OpheliaKatz

Hi Sylvie. I guess I do feel okay with my therapist but since I started seeing her when I was in the relationship, and the focus of our sessions was trying to find ways to help AH, it's a bit weird now. She's trying to push me to move forward and not focus on grief but I'm not sure I'm ready for that, because he's trying to get at me through the court system. It's funny how he couldn't stop drugging when we were together but now that we are not together and he wants something from me, he can stop for long enough to look credible in court. I like my therapist, maybe because I'm familiar with her style. I do trust her. So I'm not exactly keen on switching.

Anaya

The title of your thread caught my eye - As well, I've very recently come across information on trauma bonding. The information is eye opening for me.

As to the part of your post I copied and pasted above -- I understand and relate, and for the most part, am getting away from blaming myself for bad choices by others in my family. You can do it - we're here to support you and listen! You don't have to suffer in silence. If you haven't already, start searching around this site for information ("stickies" are a good resource), reach out in your community or online (for example, women's crisis centers, counselors who treat those who've been traumatized, NarAnon, etc.)

Hugs. Take care of you.