One last email?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
One last email?
This is my first post here, I've been reading the forums for the past few weeks after realising my partner of 11 months has a cocaine and alcohol addiction and getting a lot of comfort here from realising that there's nothing I can do to help with his addictions and reading others stories.
A few days ago we had another falling out after he had been on a bender where he said some terrible things that have left me hurt and confused and feeling like the past year has been a lie. We don't live together and are some miles apart so I only know he has been drinking or doing coke because of his change in behaviour and the nasty things he says which is so out of character. I can't do it any more. I can't deal with the hurt and verbal abuse, I'm so so sad as we were so good together when we saw each other. The nastiness only happens after he's been out with friends or on his own, never when we're actually together.
We've been having some communication the past couple of days via email but as usual he doesn't seem to be sorry for what he's said. He seems to think I'm the one who's in the wrong and like every other girl he's been out with
My question is this, do I send one last heartfelt email telling him how he's made me feel and that he should get some help, and that I can't be in this relationship any longer and be treated this way? Or do I just go no contact right now without getting these things off my chest? I feel I've walked on eggshells and not communicated proper how I've felt although perhaps I have and he's just not been able to listen. Is sending a final email now going to help towards my closure or is it futile.
A few days ago we had another falling out after he had been on a bender where he said some terrible things that have left me hurt and confused and feeling like the past year has been a lie. We don't live together and are some miles apart so I only know he has been drinking or doing coke because of his change in behaviour and the nasty things he says which is so out of character. I can't do it any more. I can't deal with the hurt and verbal abuse, I'm so so sad as we were so good together when we saw each other. The nastiness only happens after he's been out with friends or on his own, never when we're actually together.
We've been having some communication the past couple of days via email but as usual he doesn't seem to be sorry for what he's said. He seems to think I'm the one who's in the wrong and like every other girl he's been out with
My question is this, do I send one last heartfelt email telling him how he's made me feel and that he should get some help, and that I can't be in this relationship any longer and be treated this way? Or do I just go no contact right now without getting these things off my chest? I feel I've walked on eggshells and not communicated proper how I've felt although perhaps I have and he's just not been able to listen. Is sending a final email now going to help towards my closure or is it futile.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What is your honest expectation for the email you send? Getting your feelings out and written down can be very freeing and help YOU gain perspective on your situation, but expecting that your words will somehow change him, or get him to realize something is setting yourself up for more disappointment, hurt, and resentment.
When I feel this way, I usually write down everything I want to say in a journal, but I don't send it. Closure is not something other people give us; it's a gift that can only come from ourselves when we accept others for exactly who they are today, rather than who we wish they were or believe they could be.
When I feel this way, I usually write down everything I want to say in a journal, but I don't send it. Closure is not something other people give us; it's a gift that can only come from ourselves when we accept others for exactly who they are today, rather than who we wish they were or believe they could be.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Well... my thoughts are... he's not ready to listen to you (and he might never be). You said he said some nasty things that are out of character. I think that if you did send one last email, you might not get the response you want from him. You don't owe him an explanation for creating boundaries or demanding respect or for deciding to end things. If he's ready to get help, he will do it on his own. If you have had a period of time where you felt like you were walking on eggshells and it was hard to communicate with him, this time is not going to be different, it's just going to prolong the period before you have to deal with the reality of the breakup. So, if I were you, I would go no contact now.
Just a head's up: if you do go no contact now, make sure you have a plan on how to deal when you start to feel guilty, lonely, etc... . And make sure that plan doesn't include calling him or seeing him.
Just a head's up: if you do go no contact now, make sure you have a plan on how to deal when you start to feel guilty, lonely, etc... . And make sure that plan doesn't include calling him or seeing him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
Thankyou both for your advice, I think you're right and don't think he would take the email well and he would react in more anger.
I guess I'm feeling bad for him as I know he's hurting too and I feel one last attempt to try and make him understand that it is his addictions that have caused the relationship to end. Maybe he needs to believe it is me that has caused it so that he doesn't have to have accountability for it as that will hurt him more. I would also hope that it might finally make him see that he needs help but yes I don't think he is ready to listen.
I have typed it up and it felt a little better to get my thoughts and feelings out so I shall try and refrain from sending. It helps to hear that I don't owe him an explanation for my reasons to go NC. I will try and stay strong, I need to start learning to be selfish for my own well being
I guess I'm feeling bad for him as I know he's hurting too and I feel one last attempt to try and make him understand that it is his addictions that have caused the relationship to end. Maybe he needs to believe it is me that has caused it so that he doesn't have to have accountability for it as that will hurt him more. I would also hope that it might finally make him see that he needs help but yes I don't think he is ready to listen.
I have typed it up and it felt a little better to get my thoughts and feelings out so I shall try and refrain from sending. It helps to hear that I don't owe him an explanation for my reasons to go NC. I will try and stay strong, I need to start learning to be selfish for my own well being
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
nothing you shared gives the impression that HE is hurting and is in need of sympathy. in fact he said that YOU are the problem. as has every other woman he's been with. that is his mindset...he is FINE, it's somebody else who has the problem.
try to avoid assigning thoughts and feelings to others.....give your attention to your own thoughts and feelings, and what is best for YOU. hint, coke addicts are not what is best for you!
going no contact is often the best solution. it just stops everything in it's tracks. no new contact, no new hurts.
try to avoid assigning thoughts and feelings to others.....give your attention to your own thoughts and feelings, and what is best for YOU. hint, coke addicts are not what is best for you!
going no contact is often the best solution. it just stops everything in it's tracks. no new contact, no new hurts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
Thankyou Anvil, yes you are right his mindset is that everyone and everything else in his life is to blame for all of his problems. He never accepts that perhaps his lifestyle could be the root cause and I'm not going to be the one to change that.
I think he will be hurting as I think he does love me but hey, lightbulb moment here, he's hurting because of what I'VE done, yet again someone else's fault. Part of me doesn't believe (want to believe) that he truly thinks that but I'm starting to realise that this his how he excuses his behaviour to himself
I think he will be hurting as I think he does love me but hey, lightbulb moment here, he's hurting because of what I'VE done, yet again someone else's fault. Part of me doesn't believe (want to believe) that he truly thinks that but I'm starting to realise that this his how he excuses his behaviour to himself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi WH
My fairly recent story is posted in a long thread just in case you want to read it.
I am not going to give you advice but I will briefly tell you a few things about myself. Maybe it will help you with your situation.
Over the years, I tried countless times to talk to my addict concerning the choices she was making. In person, by email, by text, & by phone. The tone of those conversations ranged from calm, to tears, to yelling screaming cursing & stamping feet. None of it worked.
It didn't work simply because she doesn't have a problem - I have the problem. She does know deep within herself that she does have a problem. But her denial stops those thoughts from reaching the surface.
In the beginning of June I decided on my own to go no contact & posted my story here on SR I was given a lot of advice on SR from very informed caring people. Contrary to that advice, I did not block her. Maybe sub-consciously I wanted that one last communication or more contact. Well that contact came several weeks later mid July or so & it didn't work out so well for me.
Today I am still in no contact mode. Its honestly very difficult but I am surviving. I do think about what I would like to say to her. I could write an extremely well thought out & meaningful email. It would be a masterpiece. Then I think no - its a waste of time - she's an active addict - she doesn't have the problem - I do.
I wont be contacting her & wasting more not only of my time, but my emotions, energy, money, etc etc. There is no point! If there was a point I would send her a dozen emails every single day.
I hope this helps - I wish you all the best.
My fairly recent story is posted in a long thread just in case you want to read it.
I am not going to give you advice but I will briefly tell you a few things about myself. Maybe it will help you with your situation.
Over the years, I tried countless times to talk to my addict concerning the choices she was making. In person, by email, by text, & by phone. The tone of those conversations ranged from calm, to tears, to yelling screaming cursing & stamping feet. None of it worked.
It didn't work simply because she doesn't have a problem - I have the problem. She does know deep within herself that she does have a problem. But her denial stops those thoughts from reaching the surface.
In the beginning of June I decided on my own to go no contact & posted my story here on SR I was given a lot of advice on SR from very informed caring people. Contrary to that advice, I did not block her. Maybe sub-consciously I wanted that one last communication or more contact. Well that contact came several weeks later mid July or so & it didn't work out so well for me.
Today I am still in no contact mode. Its honestly very difficult but I am surviving. I do think about what I would like to say to her. I could write an extremely well thought out & meaningful email. It would be a masterpiece. Then I think no - its a waste of time - she's an active addict - she doesn't have the problem - I do.
I wont be contacting her & wasting more not only of my time, but my emotions, energy, money, etc etc. There is no point! If there was a point I would send her a dozen emails every single day.
I hope this helps - I wish you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks for taking the time to reply Hardlessons. I read your story and I'm sorry for all you have been through.
I'm ashamed to say I broke no contact the other day. Not to send the last email I was thinking off doing stating my reasons why it wouldn't work. But to say I didn't want to end things on such a bad note even although we couldn't be together.
Now I have found myself in the predicament that he wants to work it out, wipe the slate clean and start again. I have said that would need to talk first but I don't know that I have the strength to say everything I feel, I know he will want to brush it under the carpet. I just feel so confused and hurt and sad my mind is in a muddle. My head and gut are telling me no more but my heart is screaming yes.
Anvil I've just read the article you posted 'Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Ending a Bad Relationship' - brilliant article and explains why I have reached out while I'm in the sad stage. I realise I'm sad about the end of the relationship rather than sadness because I'm so in love. At least my head understands it.
I'm kinda wishing I hadn't reached out now, I think. Why can't we just move on and be done with it? I used to be such a strong happy independent woman and it's hard to think that was a better place I was in
I'm ashamed to say I broke no contact the other day. Not to send the last email I was thinking off doing stating my reasons why it wouldn't work. But to say I didn't want to end things on such a bad note even although we couldn't be together.
Now I have found myself in the predicament that he wants to work it out, wipe the slate clean and start again. I have said that would need to talk first but I don't know that I have the strength to say everything I feel, I know he will want to brush it under the carpet. I just feel so confused and hurt and sad my mind is in a muddle. My head and gut are telling me no more but my heart is screaming yes.
Anvil I've just read the article you posted 'Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Ending a Bad Relationship' - brilliant article and explains why I have reached out while I'm in the sad stage. I realise I'm sad about the end of the relationship rather than sadness because I'm so in love. At least my head understands it.
I'm kinda wishing I hadn't reached out now, I think. Why can't we just move on and be done with it? I used to be such a strong happy independent woman and it's hard to think that was a better place I was in
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi WH
"Thanks for taking the time to reply Hardlessons. I read your story and I'm sorry for all you have been through.
I'm ashamed to say I broke no contact the other day. Not to send the last email I was thinking off doing stating my reasons why it wouldn't work. But to say I didn't want to end things on such a bad note even although we couldn't be together.
Now I have found myself in the predicament that he wants to work it out, wipe the slate clean and start again. I have said that would need to talk first but I don't know that I have the strength to say everything I feel, I know he will want to brush it under the carpet. I just feel so confused and hurt and sad my mind is in a muddle. My head and gut are telling me no more but my heart is screaming yes."
Back in early June of this year I somehow found the courage to try my best to stop the madness going forward. I stopped talking to & seeing her - I also posted my story here on SR.
I posted my story because I knew I was going to need help. I was in for a world of hurt & I had no clue how I was going to survive.
My story is very ugly. If you knew all the details you might (rightfully so) have a very bad opinion of me. Its ugly beyond words.
I don't think you need to be ashamed to say you broke no contact. Everyone here has to go through their own process with this. To me the only wrong or right is what's wrong or right for you.
I totally understand the feelings of being confused hurt sad. I know all too well the great conflict between the heart & mind. I still love her deeply. No one can change those feelings of love. She has been & always will be a part of me. A part of who I am. Regardless of how ugly my story is.
I have come to the conclusion that I cant be with her. I cant have contact with her. I am committed to that decision. Its extremely painful. But for me its the only decision which has a healthy future.
For me, there is no going back. It does not have a future - it would only end in further destruction. There is not that much left of me to destroy.
You have to do what's best for you. Use the guidance provided by all these extremely knowledgeable, experienced, & very caring people on SR. They have helped me beyond my words to express.
I am truly sorry you are dealing with all of this. Its all very sad & addiction is just tragic.
I still read daily on SR however I post very little. I post little because I am just trying my best to get by daily. I don't feel I am in any position to give anyone advice.
I hope my above words helped you at least to some extent. I wish you peace through your difficult journey.
"Thanks for taking the time to reply Hardlessons. I read your story and I'm sorry for all you have been through.
I'm ashamed to say I broke no contact the other day. Not to send the last email I was thinking off doing stating my reasons why it wouldn't work. But to say I didn't want to end things on such a bad note even although we couldn't be together.
Now I have found myself in the predicament that he wants to work it out, wipe the slate clean and start again. I have said that would need to talk first but I don't know that I have the strength to say everything I feel, I know he will want to brush it under the carpet. I just feel so confused and hurt and sad my mind is in a muddle. My head and gut are telling me no more but my heart is screaming yes."
Back in early June of this year I somehow found the courage to try my best to stop the madness going forward. I stopped talking to & seeing her - I also posted my story here on SR.
I posted my story because I knew I was going to need help. I was in for a world of hurt & I had no clue how I was going to survive.
My story is very ugly. If you knew all the details you might (rightfully so) have a very bad opinion of me. Its ugly beyond words.
I don't think you need to be ashamed to say you broke no contact. Everyone here has to go through their own process with this. To me the only wrong or right is what's wrong or right for you.
I totally understand the feelings of being confused hurt sad. I know all too well the great conflict between the heart & mind. I still love her deeply. No one can change those feelings of love. She has been & always will be a part of me. A part of who I am. Regardless of how ugly my story is.
I have come to the conclusion that I cant be with her. I cant have contact with her. I am committed to that decision. Its extremely painful. But for me its the only decision which has a healthy future.
For me, there is no going back. It does not have a future - it would only end in further destruction. There is not that much left of me to destroy.
You have to do what's best for you. Use the guidance provided by all these extremely knowledgeable, experienced, & very caring people on SR. They have helped me beyond my words to express.
I am truly sorry you are dealing with all of this. Its all very sad & addiction is just tragic.
I still read daily on SR however I post very little. I post little because I am just trying my best to get by daily. I don't feel I am in any position to give anyone advice.
I hope my above words helped you at least to some extent. I wish you peace through your difficult journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
wishing, you do not have to attempt to reconcile because it is what HE wants to do. You do not owe him anything, and his feelings are not your responsibility. As long as he continues using, you would just be signing up for more of the same.
Words are cheap. Actions are what count. If he decides to pursue recovery, perhaps in a year or so you can both reconsider this decision.
Words are cheap. Actions are what count. If he decides to pursue recovery, perhaps in a year or so you can both reconsider this decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks again for reply Hardlessons and Sparkle Kitty, I've been trying to work through my feelings and thoughts the past few days. So hard to think clearly and I'm so grateful for your support.
He's going to call me tonight to talk, he's been really depressed the past couple of days, as have I. He's had a lot of really difficult things to deal with in his life of late, a long story. But now I'm wondering is he addicted really, or is he self medicating to take his pain away. Is there a difference? Am I being naive? I'm going to find it even harder to walk away if it is depression rather than addiction. How can you leave someone you love that needs support due to mental health issues. You lash out at those you love right?
He's going to call me tonight to talk, he's been really depressed the past couple of days, as have I. He's had a lot of really difficult things to deal with in his life of late, a long story. But now I'm wondering is he addicted really, or is he self medicating to take his pain away. Is there a difference? Am I being naive? I'm going to find it even harder to walk away if it is depression rather than addiction. How can you leave someone you love that needs support due to mental health issues. You lash out at those you love right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
WH
Thank you for your kind words.
I want you to know I am not ashamed of myself. Also I am not ashamed of my relationship with her. With the exception of the fine people here on SR - its very difficult for anyone to look at my relationship with her & understand any of it. Its all such a mess.
She is what she is. The situation is what it is. Looking back now I understand that I got involved in something that was beyond my skills & ability to deal with. It was far beyond my understanding. I tried to do good - obviously I failed. I failed because there was an extremely destructive force at play.
That powerful destructive force is active addiction. It destroyed everything I did - all that I did. No matter what I did it ended badly.
In the end it all boiled down to only one choice remaining on my part - no contact! A very bitter pill for me to swallow.
I also had a great deal of difficulty accepting the fact that she was an active addict. I hated to even think it or face that fact. When I was with her, I knew it. But it was my deep denial which kept me from facing it.
After posting my story on SR - her active addiction was confirmed by many on here. Hated reading those opinions. Bottom line - active addiction is the only thing that explains all the crazy behavior (hers & mine).
You are currently caught up in a difficult painful situation. You will have to make decisions based on what's right for you. Please be aware & mindful of your own denial.
Thanks
Thank you for your kind words.
I want you to know I am not ashamed of myself. Also I am not ashamed of my relationship with her. With the exception of the fine people here on SR - its very difficult for anyone to look at my relationship with her & understand any of it. Its all such a mess.
She is what she is. The situation is what it is. Looking back now I understand that I got involved in something that was beyond my skills & ability to deal with. It was far beyond my understanding. I tried to do good - obviously I failed. I failed because there was an extremely destructive force at play.
That powerful destructive force is active addiction. It destroyed everything I did - all that I did. No matter what I did it ended badly.
In the end it all boiled down to only one choice remaining on my part - no contact! A very bitter pill for me to swallow.
I also had a great deal of difficulty accepting the fact that she was an active addict. I hated to even think it or face that fact. When I was with her, I knew it. But it was my deep denial which kept me from facing it.
After posting my story on SR - her active addiction was confirmed by many on here. Hated reading those opinions. Bottom line - active addiction is the only thing that explains all the crazy behavior (hers & mine).
You are currently caught up in a difficult painful situation. You will have to make decisions based on what's right for you. Please be aware & mindful of your own denial.
Thanks
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello wishinghigh1,
Well, alcohol is a depressant, so someone with depression will not pull out of it easily while drinking. Those who suffer from addiction often have co-occurring mental illnesses that cannot be properly treated until they stop drinking.
Change is one of the hardest things for we humans. We tend to gravitate to what we know--I know I do. Whether or not his actions will match his words, only time will tell. You are the only one who can decide to stay in contact with him or not.
Please take good care of yourself! Remember that you deserve to be treated well and with respect!!
Well, alcohol is a depressant, so someone with depression will not pull out of it easily while drinking. Those who suffer from addiction often have co-occurring mental illnesses that cannot be properly treated until they stop drinking.
Change is one of the hardest things for we humans. We tend to gravitate to what we know--I know I do. Whether or not his actions will match his words, only time will tell. You are the only one who can decide to stay in contact with him or not.
Please take good care of yourself! Remember that you deserve to be treated well and with respect!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Well, alcohol is not a 'cure' for depression. In fact it makes it worse.
Both alcoholism and depression are treatable, but all the love in the world won't make him seek treatment. And until he seeks treatment and recovery, he will not be able to be the stable, attentive, loving partner you deserve.
Both alcoholism and depression are treatable, but all the love in the world won't make him seek treatment. And until he seeks treatment and recovery, he will not be able to be the stable, attentive, loving partner you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just feel so confused and hurt and sad my mind is in a muddle.
OF course he wants to wipe the slate clean, he wants to forget about all the crappy things he did and said to you so that he gets you coming back for more.
he's been really depressed the past couple of days, as have I. He's had a lot of really difficult things to deal with in his life of late, a long story. But now I'm wondering is he addicted really, or is he self medicating to take his pain away. Is there a difference?
Now you are justifying or trying to as YOUR reason for wanting to remain in this relationship. Keeps you from focusing on you and why you a once strong independent woman no longer exists.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My question is this, do I send one last heartfelt email telling him how he's made me feel and that he should get some help, and that I can't be in this relationship any longer and be treated this way?
If you're doing it to make yourself feel better and you have no expectations of a meaningful response, you could do it. But if you're thinking he's suddenly going to change because of one last heartfelt email, you're likely mistaken. That's not how it works.
If you read enough posts here and absorb the aggregate lessons learned here, you'll soon understand why that is.
Keep us posted.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
