Why is addict ex bf so mad at me?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
Why is addict ex bf so mad at me?
Hello everyone,
First I want to apologize for posting so much lately! I've been feeling pretty lonely so posting here and talking to some of you helps greatly.
If you've seen my other posts, you know my situation with my now ex boyfriend. A lot of people ask why I'm still here and why I'm even asking questions. Well, because every single time he decides he wants to try to be sober he comes back to me. Every time. So I wouldn't be surprised if he tried coming back to me. Another reason I ask so many questions is for my own closure. For me, I need answers in order to move on with my life. I need to understand so that I can be at peace with myself and the situation.
My situation and question today is this:
When my ex broke up with me, he was very emotional. He was crying and told me that if he stayed with me he would relapse because I make him angry(although I make him angry for no reason whatsoever). He told me how much he loved me but that we just weren't meant to be. But after that, he is SO angry at me. I had to visit his house to pick up some of my things and he would not even look at me, refused to speak to me. Told me he never wants to speak to me again.
Unfortunately we will in the same town so I see him driving around. Every time he sees me, he turns around and goes a completely different way.
Can someone tell me why this might possibly be? Why is he so angry at me? I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why he hates me.
I don't need anyone telling me to get over it, to stop wondering, and to stop asking questions. The reason I ask these things is so I can understand it, accept it, and be at peace with myself.
Thank you everyone. Have a good weekend!
First I want to apologize for posting so much lately! I've been feeling pretty lonely so posting here and talking to some of you helps greatly.
If you've seen my other posts, you know my situation with my now ex boyfriend. A lot of people ask why I'm still here and why I'm even asking questions. Well, because every single time he decides he wants to try to be sober he comes back to me. Every time. So I wouldn't be surprised if he tried coming back to me. Another reason I ask so many questions is for my own closure. For me, I need answers in order to move on with my life. I need to understand so that I can be at peace with myself and the situation.
My situation and question today is this:
When my ex broke up with me, he was very emotional. He was crying and told me that if he stayed with me he would relapse because I make him angry(although I make him angry for no reason whatsoever). He told me how much he loved me but that we just weren't meant to be. But after that, he is SO angry at me. I had to visit his house to pick up some of my things and he would not even look at me, refused to speak to me. Told me he never wants to speak to me again.
Unfortunately we will in the same town so I see him driving around. Every time he sees me, he turns around and goes a completely different way.
Can someone tell me why this might possibly be? Why is he so angry at me? I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why he hates me.
I don't need anyone telling me to get over it, to stop wondering, and to stop asking questions. The reason I ask these things is so I can understand it, accept it, and be at peace with myself.
Thank you everyone. Have a good weekend!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Many times, in order to move forward, I have had to accept something even I did not understand it. And I had to learn that closure came from within, not from without.
I hope you find what you're looking for, or at least some peace if you cannot.
I hope you find what you're looking for, or at least some peace if you cannot.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It's lots easier to direct his anger toward you than toward himself. If he can blame you, he doesn't have to own his addiction problem, let alone address it.
He's not sober, let alone in recovery. In addict speak, "sober" can mean lots of things...like "I haven't used in two hours" or "I had less this week than last week and that means I don't have a problem"...all kinds of things that in reality world do not equal "not using drugs or alcohol."
Mostly, it's wildly screwed up thinking and trying to untie that knot is impossible.
He's not sober, let alone in recovery. In addict speak, "sober" can mean lots of things...like "I haven't used in two hours" or "I had less this week than last week and that means I don't have a problem"...all kinds of things that in reality world do not equal "not using drugs or alcohol."
Mostly, it's wildly screwed up thinking and trying to untie that knot is impossible.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it could be HE is trying to break the cycle you two have been in and this is the only way he can do it.
it could be he's just another mentally fractured addict. and his moods are unstable.
however...if someone accosted you on the street, beating on you to take your purse, does it really matter WHAT they are thinking? isn't our safety paramount?
when someone suddenly treats us horrbly, blames us for their problems, and says they want nothing further to do with us, does it matter WHY? isn't best FOR US to just get away and stay away and not give them the chance to hurt us further?
it could be he's just another mentally fractured addict. and his moods are unstable.
however...if someone accosted you on the street, beating on you to take your purse, does it really matter WHAT they are thinking? isn't our safety paramount?
when someone suddenly treats us horrbly, blames us for their problems, and says they want nothing further to do with us, does it matter WHY? isn't best FOR US to just get away and stay away and not give them the chance to hurt us further?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
Something I have been working on myself is accepting my XAW is unstable.
Have I seem any true long term signs of stability?
Am I really willing to accept any short term signs of change.
I fell into believing short term many times over. I spent many years wanting to believe yet seeing no real concrete signs of long term recovery.
I hope this helps. Please take care.
TD
Have I seem any true long term signs of stability?
Am I really willing to accept any short term signs of change.
I fell into believing short term many times over. I spent many years wanting to believe yet seeing no real concrete signs of long term recovery.
I hope this helps. Please take care.
TD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by TiredDad 
Something I have been working on myself is accepting my XAW is unstable.
Have I seem any true long term signs of stability?
Am I really willing to accept any short term signs of change.
I fell into believing short term many times over. I spent many years wanting to believe yet seeing no real concrete signs of long term recovery.
I hope this helps. Please take care.
TD
Have I seem any true long term signs of stability?
Am I really willing to accept any short term signs of change.
I fell into believing short term many times over. I spent many years wanting to believe yet seeing no real concrete signs of long term recovery.
I hope this helps. Please take care.
TD
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Usingthe12
So is it ok to accept the short term change and thats it? Why must the victims of an alcoholic have to accept all the pain caused by the alcoholic? I know that we control our own feelings and only we can supply our own closure but how do you get to that point when so many of the answers that supply closure are in their possession? And everyone says to the addict "it doesn't matter what you did in the past. Just work on you." That's just not right. I truly feel that if the addict does not confront the past and help ease the pain of those they hurt, they are not truly moving forward and succeeding in their recovery.
I was the guy that wanted so bad to believe that I stayed in an eternal loop of back and forth. Instead of taking time to educate myself and learn about what is acceptable for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Understanding something and getting answers are not magic bullets that will immediately transport the recipient to serenity and inner peace. In fact, they are not even required. Nor are they particularly helpful in reaching that destination.
That which you are seeking is causing you to seek.
What makes you think that getting the answer would bring you peace? Personally I doubt that he is angry at you, but even if he is, what then?
What makes you think that getting the answer would bring you peace? Personally I doubt that you did anything egregiously wrong, but even if you did, what then?
What makes you think that getting the answer would bring you peace? Personally I doubt that he hates you, but even if he does, what then?
Any answers to questions such as those are entirely subjective. They are not truth. They are the person's perspective. What is "wrong" anyway? What is "right" anyway?
"Wrong" and "right" are value judgements. Value judgements must be suspended in order to experience true acceptance which is the doorway to inner peace.
That which you are seeking is causing you to seek.
Why is he so angry at me?
I don't know what I did wrong.
I don't know why he hates me.
Any answers to questions such as those are entirely subjective. They are not truth. They are the person's perspective. What is "wrong" anyway? What is "right" anyway?
"Wrong" and "right" are value judgements. Value judgements must be suspended in order to experience true acceptance which is the doorway to inner peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I have about a 100 questions I would like answered.
I am in no contact mode and we don't see or talk to each other.
But I would like answers. The problem is even if I could sit down with her & have a quiet discussion, what answers would I get. If she told me the truth it would probably be totally sickening & make me throw up. More likely I would get some bit of truth & the majority of the rest some BS story.
In my opinion & I have thought about this often - looking for answers to our questions from our addicts is totally a waste of time & pointless. They don't have answers for themselves - they certainly don't have answers for us.
I wish it wasn't the case but unfortunately it is. As I think back I'm honestly not sure if I ever got a clear truthful answer about any question of substance.
Thanks
I am in no contact mode and we don't see or talk to each other.
But I would like answers. The problem is even if I could sit down with her & have a quiet discussion, what answers would I get. If she told me the truth it would probably be totally sickening & make me throw up. More likely I would get some bit of truth & the majority of the rest some BS story.
In my opinion & I have thought about this often - looking for answers to our questions from our addicts is totally a waste of time & pointless. They don't have answers for themselves - they certainly don't have answers for us.
I wish it wasn't the case but unfortunately it is. As I think back I'm honestly not sure if I ever got a clear truthful answer about any question of substance.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
That's just not right. I truly feel that if the addict does not confront the past and help ease the pain of those they hurt, they are not truly moving forward and succeeding in their recovery.
This is a little dicey IMHO. Recovery is going to be different for everyone. So is the quality of recovery and what they are willing to put into it. Not everyone who recovers is going to be willing to confront the past and/or make amends to the people they have hurt. It's not for us to decide whether anyone is really succeeding in their recovery, because it's not our life. We're not responsible for it. Yes, we would like to see them acknowledge the pain, hurt and distress they have caused, but it's not ours to judge if they are succeeding or moving on in recovery. Personally, I know I'd be seriously offended if someone made themselves the judge of the quality of my recovery.
This is a little dicey IMHO. Recovery is going to be different for everyone. So is the quality of recovery and what they are willing to put into it. Not everyone who recovers is going to be willing to confront the past and/or make amends to the people they have hurt. It's not for us to decide whether anyone is really succeeding in their recovery, because it's not our life. We're not responsible for it. Yes, we would like to see them acknowledge the pain, hurt and distress they have caused, but it's not ours to judge if they are succeeding or moving on in recovery. Personally, I know I'd be seriously offended if someone made themselves the judge of the quality of my recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by sylvie83
Sorry this is such a long response. I hope it doesn't sound too telling. That's not the intention.
What you're saying could have been me just a month ago when my ex and I split (and the other times he left me and came back to me - he's trying to come back to me again now!)
I've learnt just by reading your post and trying to reply, so thank you for sharing!
We don't have to
We can say "no thanks. that hurts. I'm off"!
I'm only JUST starting to understand that after almost 20 years of "being hurt".
When people do bad things to us and cause us pain, it's not because of us...it's because of them. We can leave.
We CAN'T expect people not to do what they do. With active alcoholics that is to drink or act in not ideal ways for a healthy relationship because they're under the influence/hungover/ashamed/never worked out their painful "stuff" because they avoided it by drinking etc etc etc
Even if we know they've been through their own very difficult past, this doesn't mean we have to accept behaviour we don't want in our relationship.
If someone walked up to me in the street and hit me on the head, I wouldn't stay and try to convince them it was wrong until I felt better. If they told me they had a horrible childhood, I wouldn't stay and help them feel better (well...up until this year I probably would have done!!!)
This is what I've done in relationships all my life.
For me personally, I learnt I was responsible as a child....for my brother's anger, mum's depression and drinking, dad's stress and to care for my younger sister. To avoid their stuff I worked out I had to do xyz to survive. Just starting to stand up to it now! I'm a grown woman!
They're not! Sounds crazy doesn't it. I'm getting over-excited writing this out because I'm literally only just starting to see the light after SO much pain and SO much confusion!
Closure is not in their answers to your questions. It is in you.
Why is he angry? doesn't matter. doesn't change who you are.
Why does he turn the other way? doesn't matter. doesn't change who you are.
Your actions don't CAUSE his reactions.
You don't need him to be ok with you for you to be ok.
I think I used to ask myself the same questions because deep down I wanted to believe the person loved me. I had to believe it.
Funny thing is I would sometimes find they did have feelings still but couldn't be with me for reasons out of my control.
Just like I have feelings for my ex but can't be with him for reasons out of my control (he's an active alcoholic). It's REALLY hard leaving him and I would have to turn the other way now because it hurts to see him right now. If I hadn't worked hard through therapy/Al Anon/this forum I would probably hate him right now too .
An example of my past experiences of relationships:
Me - The lies, the drinking, the debt...it's driving me mad. Please stop!!
Him - I love you. But I can't/won't. It's too difficult (fill in all the "quacks" you like at these stages).
Me - Ok poor you, just try and I'll try to cope.
Him - (keeps doing what he's doing and feels a bit guilty/hides more)
Me - You're hurting me. Stop it please
Him - I want to. I love you but (quack quack quack) I can't/won't.
Me - Ok try a bit more and I will too (changes tactics a million times)
(you see where this is going)
Him - carries on....more guilty...hides more (changes tactics a million times)
Me - I can't cope...you're hurting me
Him - Right...I CAN'T/WON'T stop...don't want to hurt you/listen to this anymore because you're not really ok with it - I'm off.
Me - where are you going? Why do you hate me?? Please love me (by not doing what you can't/won't stop)
The closure is in us! It truly is. You are waiting for someone to be something they're not....for them to do something they're not capable of. Their actions may not even be intentional and more than likely not done to directly hurt you!
Or maybe you're wishing you could cope with all the bad more? (like I used to) But I'm pretty sure (that like me) you've done all you can (and more) to be tolerant and supportive.
You are free..you have the answers in you. You will find them there..I know you feel you won't but you will.
You can close this! We both can!
Wishing you all the very best!
p.s. woah that was long!!
What you're saying could have been me just a month ago when my ex and I split (and the other times he left me and came back to me - he's trying to come back to me again now!)
I've learnt just by reading your post and trying to reply, so thank you for sharing!
We don't have to
We can say "no thanks. that hurts. I'm off"! I'm only JUST starting to understand that after almost 20 years of "being hurt".
When people do bad things to us and cause us pain, it's not because of us...it's because of them. We can leave.
We CAN'T expect people not to do what they do. With active alcoholics that is to drink or act in not ideal ways for a healthy relationship because they're under the influence/hungover/ashamed/never worked out their painful "stuff" because they avoided it by drinking etc etc etc
Even if we know they've been through their own very difficult past, this doesn't mean we have to accept behaviour we don't want in our relationship.
If someone walked up to me in the street and hit me on the head, I wouldn't stay and try to convince them it was wrong until I felt better. If they told me they had a horrible childhood, I wouldn't stay and help them feel better (well...up until this year I probably would have done!!!)
This is what I've done in relationships all my life.
For me personally, I learnt I was responsible as a child....for my brother's anger, mum's depression and drinking, dad's stress and to care for my younger sister. To avoid their stuff I worked out I had to do xyz to survive. Just starting to stand up to it now! I'm a grown woman!
They're not!
Sounds crazy doesn't it. I'm getting over-excited writing this out because I'm literally only just starting to see the light after SO much pain and SO much confusion! Closure is not in their answers to your questions. It is in you.
Why is he angry? doesn't matter. doesn't change who you are.
Why does he turn the other way? doesn't matter. doesn't change who you are.
Your actions don't CAUSE his reactions.
You don't need him to be ok with you for you to be ok.
I think I used to ask myself the same questions because deep down I wanted to believe the person loved me. I had to believe it.
Funny thing is I would sometimes find they did have feelings still but couldn't be with me for reasons out of my control.
Just like I have feelings for my ex but can't be with him for reasons out of my control (he's an active alcoholic). It's REALLY hard leaving him and I would have to turn the other way now because it hurts to see him right now. If I hadn't worked hard through therapy/Al Anon/this forum I would probably hate him right now too .
An example of my past experiences of relationships:
Me - The lies, the drinking, the debt...it's driving me mad. Please stop!!
Him - I love you. But I can't/won't. It's too difficult (fill in all the "quacks" you like at these stages).
Me - Ok poor you, just try and I'll try to cope.
Him - (keeps doing what he's doing and feels a bit guilty/hides more)
Me - You're hurting me. Stop it please
Him - I want to. I love you but (quack quack quack) I can't/won't.
Me - Ok try a bit more and I will too (changes tactics a million times)
(you see where this is going)
Him - carries on....more guilty...hides more (changes tactics a million times)
Me - I can't cope...you're hurting me
Him - Right...I CAN'T/WON'T stop...don't want to hurt you/listen to this anymore because you're not really ok with it - I'm off.
Me - where are you going? Why do you hate me?? Please love me (by not doing what you can't/won't stop)
The closure is in us! It truly is. You are waiting for someone to be something they're not....for them to do something they're not capable of. Their actions may not even be intentional and more than likely not done to directly hurt you!
Or maybe you're wishing you could cope with all the bad more? (like I used to) But I'm pretty sure (that like me) you've done all you can (and more) to be tolerant and supportive.
You are free..you have the answers in you. You will find them there..I know you feel you won't but you will.
You can close this! We both can!
Wishing you all the very best!
p.s. woah that was long!!
Thank you so much for this. Reading your response just helped me so much you have no idea. Thank you thank you thank you!
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I don't need anyone telling me to get over it, to stop wondering, and to stop asking questions. The reason I ask these things is so I can understand it, accept it, and be at peace with myself.
I suspect the trouble you may be having is related to the fact you're trying to view your AXBF's behavior within the context of healthy, normal adult behavior. What constitutes that? Well, part of it is a willingness to accept personal responsibility. Another part of it is being able to empathize with the people in our lives. Same with compassion.
When someone is in active addiction, or abstaining but not in recovery, those attributes I just listed are non-existent. Someone in active addiction has zero compassion and empathy for anyone, including themselves, and avoid accountability at all costs. That's just how it is.
Going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure them out is really more like getting caught in a cognitive feedback loop without end. Once you figure out that the addict's behavior has nothing to do with us, and you accept that for what it is, that's like hitting Ctrl-Z and getting out of the loop.
Mind you, acceptance doesn't mean that what we feel for the addicts in our lives goes away. It doesn't mean we don't miss them, nor does it mean we don't feel regret that they aren't a part of our lives anymore. It just means there are some things we don't have any control over.
Hope this helps...a little bit...
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