How to know when they're SERIOUS about sobriety
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
How to know when they're SERIOUS about sobriety
Hello
In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend told me he was breaking up with me because his "anger towards me would make him relapse" so that he didn't want to be with me, but I was the only person in his life who is sober and who supported his sobriety.
I'm confused if he's going to stay sober now that I'm not in his life.
I want to know what it looks like when they're REALLY serious about staying sober.
He went to NA meetings once a week. Not sure if he's still going.
Is once a week enough to show he's serious?
I just would like to know how I'll know when he's actually trying to be serious about sobriety.
Thank you
In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend told me he was breaking up with me because his "anger towards me would make him relapse" so that he didn't want to be with me, but I was the only person in his life who is sober and who supported his sobriety.
I'm confused if he's going to stay sober now that I'm not in his life.
I want to know what it looks like when they're REALLY serious about staying sober.
He went to NA meetings once a week. Not sure if he's still going.
Is once a week enough to show he's serious?
I just would like to know how I'll know when he's actually trying to be serious about sobriety.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
in your other post, many replied that his "reason" for breaking up was invalid.....coming from a messed up brain.
recovery LOOKS like recovery. you wouldn't have any doubt. however, since he is now your EX, does it matter what HE does? do you want a guy back who "claims" to have so much anger towards you? breaks up multiple times. speaks poorly of you?
nothing you have shared with us about him sounds at all like someone who is dedicated to living a sober responsible productive life. sounds like a selfish drug addict who needed to get any obstacles to using out of the way.
recovery LOOKS like recovery. you wouldn't have any doubt. however, since he is now your EX, does it matter what HE does? do you want a guy back who "claims" to have so much anger towards you? breaks up multiple times. speaks poorly of you?
nothing you have shared with us about him sounds at all like someone who is dedicated to living a sober responsible productive life. sounds like a selfish drug addict who needed to get any obstacles to using out of the way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Many addicts are serious about wanting to get sober and stay sober. Most, perhaps.
That's the easy part, "wanting" to be sober. Doing the work necessary to getting sober, learning a new way to live so that when cravings come along they will know how to not give in to them...and learning to take full responsibility for their actions previously and now...are a good start to "looking like" recovery. Blaming anyone or anything besides themselves is a sure sign that he's just not ready. Recovery is a personal self-help program.
Actions are what tells us what we need to know, words mean nothing when the actions don't follow.
I'm sorry for your pain, unless you want more of the same it may be a good time to take the lesson and move on.
That's the easy part, "wanting" to be sober. Doing the work necessary to getting sober, learning a new way to live so that when cravings come along they will know how to not give in to them...and learning to take full responsibility for their actions previously and now...are a good start to "looking like" recovery. Blaming anyone or anything besides themselves is a sure sign that he's just not ready. Recovery is a personal self-help program.
Actions are what tells us what we need to know, words mean nothing when the actions don't follow.
I'm sorry for your pain, unless you want more of the same it may be a good time to take the lesson and move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Ann 
Many addicts are serious about wanting to get sober and stay sober. Most, perhaps.
That's the easy part, "wanting" to be sober. Doing the work necessary to getting sober, learning a new way to live so that when cravings come along they will know how to not give in to them...and learning to take full responsibility for their actions previously and now...are a good start to "looking like" recovery. Blaming anyone or anything besides themselves is a sure sign that he's just not ready. Recovery is a personal self-help program.
Actions are what tells us what we need to know, words mean nothing when the actions don't follow.
I'm sorry for your pain, unless you want more of the same it may be a good time to take the lesson and move on.
That's the easy part, "wanting" to be sober. Doing the work necessary to getting sober, learning a new way to live so that when cravings come along they will know how to not give in to them...and learning to take full responsibility for their actions previously and now...are a good start to "looking like" recovery. Blaming anyone or anything besides themselves is a sure sign that he's just not ready. Recovery is a personal self-help program.
Actions are what tells us what we need to know, words mean nothing when the actions don't follow.
I'm sorry for your pain, unless you want more of the same it may be a good time to take the lesson and move on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 145
He will stay sober with or without you if he WANTS to. His sobriety, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with you. I'm not sure why you're asking this. Are you thinking he is going to come back to you once he gets "sober"? (honest question. Sorry if this comes off harsh, it's not meant to)
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by KES06
He will stay sober with or without you if he WANTS to. His sobriety, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with you. I'm not sure why you're asking this. Are you thinking he is going to come back to you once he gets "sober"? (honest question. Sorry if this comes off harsh, it's not meant to)
The reason why I ask is because I've heard him say he's getting sober MANY times. He always comes back when he realizes he wants to be sober but I am done with taking him back when he always goes back to his old ways. This time his excuse was that "I" will make him relapse , even though I give him no reason to. I don't do anything wrong to make him so angry and I dont smoke or drink or do any drugs myself so I wouldn't see why I would be the reason he relapses. I want to know if him cutting me off now is a sign of him showing he will really stay sober. I also just want to know if he's serious this time. He comes back every time , and I can't take him back anymore unless I know 100% he's staying sober on his own. But I guess I'm just wondering if he broke up with me claiming that I would make him relapse, is this a sign that he's trying to stay sober?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You will know a year from now. Look at his life then, if he is truly in recovery his life and lifestyle will show it. Talk is cheap.
FYI....I usto see addict after addict show up once a week at meetings, then immediately go use, sometimes even going outside to use during the meeting. Just going to a meeting once a week is not recovery. It has to be reflected through all apects of your life, and they have to work on it every day for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment.
Just my two cents.
FYI....I usto see addict after addict show up once a week at meetings, then immediately go use, sometimes even going outside to use during the meeting. Just going to a meeting once a week is not recovery. It has to be reflected through all apects of your life, and they have to work on it every day for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment.
Just my two cents.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by hopeful4
You will know a year from now. Look at his life then, if he is truly in recovery his life and lifestyle will show it. Talk is cheap.
FYI....I usto see addict after addict show up once a week at meetings, then immediately go use, sometimes even going outside to use during the meeting. Just going to a meeting once a week is not recovery. It has to be reflected through all apects of your life, and they have to work on it every day for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment.
Just my two cents.
FYI....I usto see addict after addict show up once a week at meetings, then immediately go use, sometimes even going outside to use during the meeting. Just going to a meeting once a week is not recovery. It has to be reflected through all apects of your life, and they have to work on it every day for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment.
Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
This time his excuse was that "I" will make him relapse , even though I give him no reason to
This statement of his what we call a 'quack'. Addict alcoholic bullsh*t that we can safely call out. No one or anything can make someone relapse. It's a cheap excuse addicts and alcoholics use when they don't want to take responsibility for their own actions.
This statement of his what we call a 'quack'. Addict alcoholic bullsh*t that we can safely call out. No one or anything can make someone relapse. It's a cheap excuse addicts and alcoholics use when they don't want to take responsibility for their own actions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think like you, many of us here were looking for a sign, some kind of a guarantee that THIS TIME is going to different then all of those others times.
I’ve come to learn that this is part of the bargaining stage of grief we go through when the relationship has come to an end. In order to ease that pain and hurt we feel, we consume our thoughts with what if’s and if only’s. It’s a place in our life called “stuck” afraid to move forward and in fear of going back.
I firmly believe that history does not repeat itself – people repeat history. His history is one of chronic relapses, those are the FACTS you have to work with.
Your confusion of what if this time he’s serious lies in hopeful wishful maybe thinking.
Nothing you have shared so far reads that this time is any different than last time and the time before that or the time before that. Same premise, different words.
I’ve come to learn that this is part of the bargaining stage of grief we go through when the relationship has come to an end. In order to ease that pain and hurt we feel, we consume our thoughts with what if’s and if only’s. It’s a place in our life called “stuck” afraid to move forward and in fear of going back.
I firmly believe that history does not repeat itself – people repeat history. His history is one of chronic relapses, those are the FACTS you have to work with.
Your confusion of what if this time he’s serious lies in hopeful wishful maybe thinking.
Nothing you have shared so far reads that this time is any different than last time and the time before that or the time before that. Same premise, different words.
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