HurricaneJ

After 6 months of treatment (1 month inpatient, and 5 months of a very strict IOP/sober living), he’s graduating from the program this week. He’s had a job since march, and has found himself a room right by his work (he can’t drive because of DUIs). I know I should be happy about all of this but I’m a nervous wreck.

Let me just say, he’s made so much progress over the past couple months. He’s so sweet and caring…literally the polar opposite of what he was like when he was using. However, I was kind of hoping he’d stay in sober living a little bit longer.

Yesterday we talked on the phone and I noticed a few things that scared me. There was a little bit of grandosity popping into the conversation, which is a red flag. He was a little less caring than he has been. He also mentioned being excited to be able to go out and drink again now that the program won’t be testing him for alcohol (his drugs of choice were opiates and xanax, and while I don’t think he’s ever had an alcohol problem, it’s a slippery slope). He swears he’s over drugs and doesn’t want to ruin his life like that again, but this scares the hell out of me.

I know from experience with him a lot of it is just talk. If he’s verbalizing it at all, it’s honestly a better sign. I’ve learned that a lot of it comes from being insecure and I do think he’s a little nervous about leaving the program.

I’m trying to focus on me, however, I did missed work today because I was so anxious. I had been doing SO well, I’m angry at myself for letting this get to me.

What makes it worse is that were currently in different states. I do see him frequently though and we talk all the time. For a long time, I felt the distance was a good thing. There’s better programs out where he is now and I truly couldn’t be in the same area with him having all his recovery ups and downs (it was difficult enough even dealing with it over the phone). I miss him so much though. Also the enabler/codependent part of me wants to just rush in and fix everything even though I knows that’s not a good way of handling it.

Any suggestions or advice? Has any one else dealt with a loved one finishing up treatment?

AnvilheadII

well,it's really just going to be more of the same.....time will tell how sturdy and long lived his recovery is.

it is VERY concerning that he's talking about and looking forward to drinking again. surely in treatment they explained that an addict cannot substitute or replace one drug for another, and that alcohol IS a drug.

meanwhile....there's hurricane. what are you doing for you? knowing that you can't do one darn thing FOR him or TO him that will make a whit of difference, what about YOU????? missing work due to anxiety about a situation out of your control, that isn't you and is in another state tells me you might still have some work to do!

HurricaneJ

Thank you for your response.

The being in different states thing isn't a forever thing, and makes less of a difference than people might expect. However, I definitely have some work to do.

In a weird way, missing work today was something I did for me. For me, work is something I do to avoid my feelings. I will literally work myself into exhaustion trying to avoid dealing with my feelings. Today I've tried to take time to relax. I caught up on my favorite show. It sounds lazy, but was what I needed for my mental health.

I've also gotten a lot more into self care recently. I make sure I workout in the morning, I get my nails done, I try to get enough sleep. Those things make me feel better about myself. It sounds like not much, but it does really help me.

Maudcat

Time will tell, Hurricane.
I am concerned as well about the desire to drink.
Sounds like he wants to get blasted, which is never good in early recovery from drugs.

HurricaneJ

Thank you for your response. I completely agree. It's the talk of drinking that's terrifying me.

I don't know what to say to him when he says things like that. In a way, I want him to be able to express these things out loud so I don't want to be too aggressive. I usually try to play it off jokingly like we're too old to be partying like that anymore (we're both like 27/28 now). I'm not sure if that's working though.

I am honestly concerned though. I want to be direct, and still have him feel like he's able to talk to me.

AnvilheadII

remember you aren't his therapist or sponsor - so you don't have to figure out how to say the right thing and state it in the best way for him to be receptive. he isn't filtering what he says to you!

he's gonna do what he's gonna do. and it doesn't sound like he's really got the message, so to speak, on how to protect his sobriety. that's on him. not you.

Maudcat

What Anvil says is true, Hurricane. It's really up to him.
Good luck. Try not to stress. This is not within your control.
Peace.