redshift89

My ex-girlfriend who was in in recovering from heroin and cocaine addiction I believe has relapsed. She left me and will not talk to me.
A lot of things triggered her relapse, but her parents were (I believe) enabling her by putting pressure on her to drink to be part of the family. She never told them about her drug issues for fear of getting disowned.
I am worried about that cycle of behavior, and am unsure whether to let her parents know what was actually going on and violate her trust or to not meddle. I'm not sure how to help.

I have included a draft of what I wrote to try to work out my thoughts:
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Dear {REDACTED** Family,

I am writing this to you because I am at my wits end. Whatever I had with {REDACTED** is gone, but I can not continue to carry the burden of worrying about her. This is the truth. And in me telling you what actually has been going with {REDACTED** for the past year and a half, comes with the very very very strong advice TO NOT TELL HER THAT I TOLD YOU AND TO NOT LET ON THAT YOU KNOW. I am only saying this because so forcefully because I did not tell you because she was convinced that you would disown her completely if I did. I do not believe that to be true, I think you are both Christians who believe in forgiveness. And so I am handing my burden to you because I can no longer carry it. She will not talk to me, she is lost to me. She will not respond to me.

{REDACTED** was a recovering heroin and cocaine addict in addition to being an alcoholic. I think now she is back to being just an addict and alcoholic.

When I met {REDACTED**, her apartment was the late night party spot. She was not going to AA meetings, she was going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. When I met her she was in the throes of cocaine and heroin addiction. When I found that out, I immediately tried to run, and she told me that she wanted to change, and did. For a period.

Then in December 2015 she overdosed on bad cocaine while I was on the road with the car show shortly after her therapist from rehab passed. It was out of grieving for her passing that she used, as far as she told me. She did not tell me that this happened till March of 2015. The cardiology appointments, the hospital visit in late December 2016, those were essentially her follow up visit for the overdose. Ever since the overdose she was convinced that her heart was not working well and the EKGS and the hospital confirmed that.

She relapsed shortly after telling me about the overdose, first with alcohol, then added cocaine back the mix. I told her I was going to leave one night, and she convinced me to stay by agreeing to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and get serious about going to therapy for her various co-occurring mental issues. It was shortly after she started going to meetings again that you guys checked in with me about whether or not you should be worried about her, and I missed my opportunity to be honest with you about it then and I fully regret that. She seemed happy and on a mission. She started having pride in having people reach out to her for help in regards to recovery. She had self esteem for the first time in forever.

Then a series of unfortunate events cause everything to come tumbling down. I was always too proud to admit I was an addict. I never did cocaine or heroin, but I did smoke pot, and I was unable to admit to myself that it was a problem worthy of entering the program and admitting I was an addict and that was an incredibly big mistake on my part. Then a friend of hers, {REDACTED**, told her (in the midst of recovery) that she was overweight. She lost all self esteem. Then she started feeling left out of the family because she could not drink with you. Then the pressure came more, with you guys saying things like “ I wish you could try this” or “Have a glass of wine, I wont tell {REDACTED, me**.” Not drinking was never just about me, or just about drinking. Not drinking is about helping her to kill the urge to go drink at the dive bars in {TOWN NAME REDACTED** where drugs are readily available, and unfortunately, just one drink for {REDACTED** is enough to restart that fire. I never wanted to come between you and her. I thought it was beautiful seeing your family come together and heal and be happy together. I watched her go from basically resenting you to loving you, and the fact that you did not really grasp the severity of the situation and she was unwilling to be honest with you so that you could give her accurate advice killed me.

Now, I’m at least 90% sure shes back to using. She hasn’t talked to any of her sober friends that I am in contact with. She has gone back to hanging out with people who are drug dealers and people who she used to use with. I am incredibly worried it may lead to her going back to selling drugs, or overdosing, or both. I can’t sit around waiting to hear bad news. I can’t sit on my hands. I care about her entirely too much to see her destroy herself. And I’m out of options for trying to help her outside of letting you guys in on her secret.

My advice to you would be to not let her know that you know because she will run. She will run. She will cut contact. That is what she does. I just saw it happen. She is hanging out with people I have heard her complain about at length for days. When she left me she was crying saying “I don’t want you to worry about me” and “I just need to be alone.” From what I have seen, she has not been alone outside of hanging out with people who would encourage her to use so that she feels alone. She wanted to come back at first but expressed that she couldn't because she had already involved you.

I’ve literally been a pile of nerves for the past month and a half, having nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown. I am in the program now. I saw how my relationship with marijuana and depression ruined my relationship with the girl who meant more to me than anyone else ever has. I at least need to fix that and be ready in the case that she ever needs a friend to help her try to get clean again.


There’s also a chance I’m totally off base, and that she is just drinking very heavily. But the statistics just would very much disagree with that, and based on her history I highly doubt that it’s the case. I’ve enclosed a photo of her friend {REDACTED** that is public on facebook to illustrate my point. (PHOTO WOULD BE A PHOTO OF FRIEND WITH LINES)

I love you guys, its with an incredibly heavy heart that I write this letter, but I don’t know what else to do. She wont even attempt to pick up the things shes left her that I know matter to her. I never tried to control her. I merely tried to guide her to the most positive choice out of the many paths she posed to me as options she was interested in. She made decisions in the relationship, I was never in the driver’s seat, I never wanted to control her, and I think you guys are smart enough to see that. Please do not disown her, she is such a wonderful person.
Best wishes, my ear is always open to you if you need to reach me for whatever reason.
SIGNED
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hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

My advise would be to let her go. She has made the choice to use and to move on. Any relationship with this person is not going to be a healthy one.

I know it's hard, and that it hurts, but focus on you and being well. Do you have a face to face support group or counselor? If not, I think that would be of great help to you.

biminiblue

You say you're in the program? What does your sponsor say?

You've written the letter. Now tear it up/delete it. It isn't your place to tell them, and I question your motive? Are you hoping to be the White Knight? Are you hoping to fix this? Because I don't think that would be the outcome of the letter. I try not to put anything on paper or in writing that I think will cause anyone harm (including myself.) This is a lot of drama that could be avoided.

redshift89

Thanks. I think it may just need to remain an exercise I went through to work out my emotions.

Also its depressing to think that her parents, who have sent her to rehab before, would put pressure onto her. And I fear for how that cycle will play out. Its a cycle of enabling and its incredibly dangerous. It seems they are very unwilling to accept that addiction and recovery is a lifelong battle, not something that just gets 'fixed'. They are blissfully unaware of her struggles and that allows them to do things like say "Just have a glass of wine with me, I wont tell your boyfriend" or "Wow, I wish you could try this bloody mary".

I'm very new to the program, my struggles are with marijuana and using it as a tool to disassociate. My using kept me from being able to help her. I don't have a sponsor yet, but speaking to people at meetings I've been going to (trying to do 90 in 90) they say to focus on myself. I'm terrified I'm going to find an obituary, and I think they only people who have any sort of sway over her are her parents. And I'm incredibly worried.

But you are right, this is probably some misguided white knight stuff, I probably should just let her go. I'm just terrified.

biminiblue

Addicts and alcoholics are incredibly resilient and resourceful. She will find her way, and if and when she wants help, she will find it. This is not her time.

As far as family offering her drinks etc., my family offered me drinks for a good ten years after I told them I'm an alcoholic and I said no a thousand times. They don't get it and they probably never will.

You're doing the right thing by staying on your side of the street here. Deal with your own issues of addiction and then maybe some day when you are healthier you will be able to help someone who wants the help. In the literature it states to not waste your time on those who don't want your help. Time to move on.

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

A lot of your angst will die down with your own continued sobriety.

redshift89

I have told her I am doing 90 in 90. I am in the program and the program is still there for her if she wants it. I don't think I can do much more than that. Thank you all. If anyone has a dissenting opinion I'd welcome hearing it but I think this has helped. Thank you all.

CherryVanilla

I was going to suggest that you DO contact her parents, but reading further I realized this was not her first trip around the block. I only wish that someone who knew what was going on with my son had told us instead of leaving us in the dark. Because once we did find out and confronted him, the (long) road to recovery did begin. But since her parents have already been there done that with her, and she's an adult, I think you are the one who knows best if you should tell them (if you think they will be able to convince her to get into rehab) or not (if it will just hurt them/cause conflict). I think everyone is worth saving and is worth the fight, but of course the person who needs the help has to be winning to do the work to save him/herself. I do think, though, if she's actively using and her parents are not aware... does she have keys to their house, could she pawn their belongings for money? In that case, I do think they should be warned, to protect themselves.

redshift89

She does have keys to their house but I don't think she would steal things from them to use. They live an hour and a half away and their house is very secure and there are much easier ways for her to get the drugs.

I'm unsure whether they know or not, are blissfully ignorant, or what. I do know they are most likely paying her rent, and doing other enabling things.

I did tell her father a couple of weeks ago that the not drinking thing was about a lot more than just not drinking. I was not very specific, but I think he could have read between the lines if he wanted to.

I don't know. I'm going to sit on it for awhile.

teatreeoil007

In the OP you said she was your ex girlfriend.

Yet, you seem to be agonizing over her quite a lot. Perhaps it's time to become better acquainted with what it means to be dispassionate.

Might I suggest that it's okay to love and care for someone from a distance. But you will feel better and have more liberty if you can let go and stop agonizing.

Letting go doesn't mean you're a cold, uncaring person. It means you're going to be able to heal and be a healthier you.

redshift89

We broke up because of her starting to use again. That's why it is hard.

I blame myself. But I know I shouldn't. She's gone back to active addiction, and I have to separate myself. I wish that I get her parents to understand just how dangerous what they were doing was, but its not my place.

Its sad how blind some people can be to what is clearly going to be a lifetime illness and battle. Selfish is as selfish does I suppose.

redshift89

Also, doubly making it hard is at the end of this last December she went to the ER because she was scared about her heart, discovered what is probably a heart condition, and has said she feels like her heart is weak, and that relapsing is risking death.

Its just generally dark. But there's nothing I can do.

hopeful4

You are right, there is nothing you can do. It's really sad, but she knows the risks and only she can make the decision to recover, or not.

Sometimes you have to love people from afar because a relationship with them is toxic. That's ok. It does not mean you care any less. If we could love them all out of addiction, none of us would be here in the first place.

redshift89

The part of this that I struggle with the most is they once asked me after I had moved out and moved back in once whether they should be worried about her. And I'm really struggling with it.

Out of I guess blind optimism I lied to them and told them that she was just a problem drinker, and left out the fact that cocaine and heroin were the real problem, drinking was ancillary.

Also, my relationship with them broke down because they thought I was controlling her in trying to keep her from visiting her when the real issue was they were putting pressure on her to drink, ('she didn't feel part of the family without being able to') and my inability to really deal with them basing assumptions on falsehoods and my inability to be honest with them without enraging my ex. Most of her anxieties were derived from feeling like she would be disowned by her parents if they found out about her and I feel that is not the case.

There's part of me that feels that if I were in their shoes, and was approached in a calm compassionate way I would appreciate it, and good may come from it.

So, what I believe I have decided to do, unless I am told otherwise, is to put it to them.

"
{mother's name**,
You once asked me if you should be worried about your daughter. I did not tell you the truth, I lied for her benefit, and I feel guilty about it. I have meditated, prayed, thought on the subject, and I think that if you would like to know the truth, I feel that I should be honest with you where I wasn't in the past. I think her fears about the repercussions of you knowing what was actually going on are incorrect, and I think you have the right to know.

I understand if you feel this is meddling, or have no interest in knowing. I am only contacting you because I am personally very concerned, and I need you to know that I am only trying to contact you out of genuine care and compassion. I have thought long and hard about whether or not to contact you, and I basically have come to the decision that I'll let you decide. Obviously, I would appreciate it if you keep this message between us out of fear of an overreaction.

Is this a conversation you think should happen?
signed"

Whitewingeddove

As a mom of a 25 YO heroin/crack addict, I have mixed feelings on this.
How old is she? What's your motivation (truly) for telling them? Do you think they can "save" her? If that's your motivation, I guess my vote is "no".
This is JMHO. In my case, I've let my son's addiction control my emotions much of my life for several years now, and am trying to stay off the crazy train currently. These are years I can never get back. I don't wish to know what he's doing on a daily basis anymore. I love him and always will, but his choices are his choices, and I need to live my life. My love for him is unconditional, my respect....not so much.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but again, this is just my opinion.

To clarify, I have HOPE, but no "expectations"........I love him with all of my being, but I love me too. If he chooses help, I support him 100%, but nothing I say or do will initiate that.

redshift89

I guess my motivation for doing what I did was that they once asked me and I lied to them. I needed to at least give them the opportunity to know the truth.

I texted her mom a couple of days ago; basically saying "Look you once asked me if you should be worried about your daughter. I lied to you. If you want to know the truth I can tell you, and would like to." She wanted to know, we texted for about and hour. I made clear that she really can't act on the information, unfortunately, as that isn't how things work and will just make things worse. I just want her to know what the actually circumstances are so she can know and make more fitting choices.

I have no idea how it's going to affect their relationship, but it was an important part of me letting go of my guilt and baggage regarding the situation. They were enabling, that was dangerous, they need to know what they are dealing with and I need to know I did all I could in order to move on.

Further encouraging my decision was the fact that she broke up with me because she was saying I was coming in between her and her parents (by questioning them pressuring her to drink and bringing up the fact that their world view was not based on what was actually going on in our lives because we were not honest with them), and since breaking up with me has done lots of things that will further drive them away. Taking a job at a strip club, immediately finding a new boyfriend, using, etc. etc.

Ultimately, it seemed like a positive thing, all in all. I mean, if something terrible happens, then maybe not, but it seems like I did the right thing. At the very least I did the right thing for me and my recovery.

nytepassion

Believe me when I say that if she is using her parents (if they don't already know) will find out eventually.

Forgive the analogy: Drug addiction is like an unwanted pregancy. You can only hide it for so long before it begins to show.

I challenge you to take an honest look at your motives for telling her parents ... especially after the fact she left you.

There is nothing you can say or do to save her, but you can save you. Let her go. She has to find her own way. This is her battle to fight... not yours.

Passion
Recovering Addict

redshift89

I went through the ringer questioning my motives about it.

What I guess I left out of this thread was that I tried to kill myself because the guilt and emotional pain was overwhelming. It would have done more harm to me (admittedly selfishly) to not try to get some sort of closure. I get that we should do no harm in making amends, I don't harbor any delusions about this being some sort of twisted amends.

I tried to kill myself, I kept that from her for her protection. It is not crazy to allow her actions to have natural repercussions. Whether or not it will cause harm, she knew that she took that risk when she left the way she did, I was only not telling her parents to respect her trust and she completely and totally battered mine so I no longer felt a need to protect hers. Yes, I agree, two wrongs dont make a right, but this solution came to me through prayer, and I think I did what I needed to to help me.

hopeful4

I think you did the right thing. Be at peace with that and move forward. Take good care of YOU!

Whitewingeddove

....as a parent of an addict all I can say is "IF ONLY"....

Please do keep this as an exercise only.....JMHO