Hechosedrugs

The mediator report came in today. He's recommending 50/50 custody.

To recap:

-STBX is 100% disabled with PTSD. I was his caregiver for years, now his mom is his caregiver. He literally cannot even take care of himself.

-He is addicted to prescription pills and sometimes uses meth

-My son almost died after ingesting one of his oxys and a social worker overheard him lying to me on the phone, saying it was just the flu. I gave the mediator her report- I don't even think he read it.

-STBX admitted to leaving guns within our children's reach several times

-Annnnnd there's more! Lots more!

I really cannot even begin to understand what happened. The mediator wrote all about my high school suicide attempt (17 years ago) and DUI from before I ever met my husband. There was NO mention of my son ingesting his oxy or the fact that my husband recently tested positive for meth.

And then there's the fact that STBX has stolen my identity, racking up $40,000 in debt in my name, forged my signature (I have proof and it's obviously his signature) and took out an insurance policy in my name and named himself beneficiary (also an obvious replica of his signature)... my lawyer has advised me not to press charges, that that would only anger him and take away any bargaining power. She also said not to mention that in court- that it has no bearing on his parenting abilities. BS! Normal people don't do that stuff. Crazy people do that stuff! Addicts! And that's what I'm trying to prove he is.

I just cannot believe how this all played out.

alterity

SO sorry to hear this but I can believe it.

People [falsely] believe that the system is rigged against males. This simply isn't true. When a father asks for custody, it is granted at a rate of around 90%. Very often, those fathers are seeking custody not with the primary intention of caring for the children but to avoid child support or to use the children as pawns.

Sunshine1234

Ughhhhh I'm so sorry this is insane!!! I just don't get it! My lawyer told me pretty much the same, that the law favors joint and is more on the side of the dads these days. I can't believe with all of the evidence you have he still may get 50/50! I guess I need to prepare myself for the same.

Sunshine1234

May I ask what state you are in? I'm in Florida.

Hechosedrugs

I'm in California.

Ann

I hope you have the lawyer fight for you on this, and even if/when some custody is given insist that it should be supervised in a safe environment.

It's hard to keep fighting but you are the voice of your child and I pray that someone will listen to you and do the right thing.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

so if this is just his "recommendation" it sounds like there is still more to follow? it wasn't a final judgement? sorry, my legal knowledge is pretty limited....but i would sure fight like hell........to the best of my ability. this doesn't have to be OVER.....i know it's a struggle and a fight, but you are trying to do what is best for your kids........and i cannot commend you enough for that!!!!!

Hechosedrugs

It's just the recommendation, but judges almost always go by what the mediator recommends.

He completely misrepresented me- I just can't believe it.

I had brought up my concerns about AX's friends being drunk around my kids on EVERY visit and said I wanted a provision that there be no excessive drinking around the kids. The mediator said that would apply to me, too, but that "excessive" is up for interpretation, and that the court order would simply specify no drinking whatsoever. I said that would be fine. Then he said that would also mean we couldn't take them to weddings or any events at all where people are drinking. I said that was a little extreme, and AX agreed. Well, guess what went into his report? "Father was agreeable to no drinking provision, mother was not when it was applied to her". THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!

This is all so bizarre. And he's giving AX more days than he asked for, more days than me, even! (Even though he specified that the kids should live primarily with me... yet I added up the visits recommended and AX would have 16 days a month.

As for my lawyer, she's my last hope. My dad's paying, and she's my second lawyer. And she is NOT fighting for me. She even FORGOT to file the "Request for Order" which was the paperwork the mediator should have read before our meeting- so he never read it.

I cannot believe this system. I cannot believe these "professionals"!

ladyscribbler

That's terrible. I'm so sorry. You're fighting the good fight and I know how frustrating this is. I know it's probably cold comfort, but whatever actually happens, in all likelihood your ex will NOT exercise all of his visitation days, so make sure you keep track of those times he fails to do so. This may be a "2 parter" where you will need to go back later and get the initial order modified.
Sending a massive hug your way. Stay strong and hang in there.

Refiner

This is just maddening!! Last time I needed to use a lawyer for something, he was so inept that I found out you pretty much have to do all the work and they just "administer" and "file" stuff unless you pay top dollar and get a real fighter. Is it too late to get yet another attorney? I don't agree with not pressing criminal charges either - that's insane!

alterity

This may have been your experience but this is not how I conduct myself. In fact, I witness the opposite in my legal community, i.e. paying top dollar does not yield better results and sometimes may be much worse representation.

My rates are very reasonable and, depending on the case, sometimes are deferred and contingency-based. I am "small time" because I only select cases that I know I have the time and ability to be the most zealous advocate I can be. I do not overload myself just to chase a dollar. I have "won" every single case I have taken on. However, there is a persistent belief that only "big firm, big money" lawyers with bells and whistles such as fancy offices and slick marketing will provide competent counsel. This is a myth, in my opinion.

Hechosedrugs

My first lawyer was moderately priced and was absolutely terrible. Forgot to file or filed paperwork out of order several times. Even forged my signature on a document, probably because he was in such a rush to get it in after procrastinating so long. I've since heard from many sources that he's a cocaine addict. Makes sense! I've filed a complaint with the bar and am hoping to get some of my money back, as he did little more than jeopardize my case.

This new lawyer is extremely expensive, and every bit as inept.

Hechosedrugs

Well, I drafted an agreement with my STBX. My lawyer said it's a safer bet than going to court. It gives STBX what he's been asking for all along, 10 overnights a month. STBX keeps acting like he did me some sort of favor. Yesterday he told me he's glad that we could finally come to an agreement. I could not contain myself. I told him, "Don't think for a second I agree with this. I don't think you should have custody at all." Then I realized how stupid that was, as the agreement hasn't been finalized yet. So I texted back, apologizing. It makes me sick- me apologizing to him!

Whatever. As soon as all this is settled I'm writing a complaint about that mediator and pressing charges against STBX for all this identity theft. I hear insurance fraud is a felony offense. That might help with this visitation issue! And, yes, I have no problem with my kids knowing their father is in jail. I'm so sick of people telling me I shouldn't press charges because of how if will affect them. HE should have thought about how it would affect them.

And if my pastor hits on me one more time, I am going to scream! I go there for peace because of all the insanity men have brought into my life and suddenly I have 3 men whose advance I am constantly dodging. And my pastor is 72- I'm 33. He keeps telling me I'm so beautiful and look like I'm 20 (so.... you're hitting on what you think is a 20 year old????) and asking me to come over so we can "lighten each other's loads". And no, I have never come to him with my issues. He found out through the grapevine I'm getting divorced and he is, too. This church has become my family, my happy place. I don't want to have to find a new one, but I'm running out of ways to tell him to back off (without really telling him, because he'd just deny it, I'm sure).

And these feelings of hatred- man, they're intense. They used to all be aimed at my mother-in-law, which is misplaced, I know. I mean, she was terrible and overbearing, but she did nothing compared to what STBX did to me. But now I have so much hatred for the mediator. I know better, he just fell for the act, just like I did. But it makes me so angry.

Thank you for reading this ridiculous rant! I know there are worse problems in the world.

hopeful4

Tight hugs friend. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would press charges against him for all I am worth. I would also tell "pastor" to straighten up or you will have to let his flock know about his advances. Goodness, what is the world come to?!

mamaof3boyz

This is by far a mother's absolute worst nightmare!!! I can't begin to tell you how incredibly sorry I am. I don't understand the system and the incompetence. It just isn't fair. I wish I had some useful wisdom to offer or a helpful suggestion but unfortunately I don't. Just like my husband said. "You can't prove a thing. Your word against mine". Disgusting... I pray someone will cross your path and make it right. Stay strong and keep fighting!

Sunshine1234

Hechosedrugs...just wanted to check in to see how you are holding up.

I am going to finally move forward with my divorce. I am filled with anxiety about what will come of the child custody arrangement.

Hechosedrugs

Well, STBX has been unraveling, it seems. He's been calling, texting and emailing, begging for reconciliation and alluding to suicide. He keeps saying he's going to give me everything, because nothing matters anymore, and to just take pictures of his things and sell it all, that he doesn't need it anymore (these are all things he wanted a month ago). Then a few days ago he really shocked me- the kids were with him and he was sending me all these crazy texts. Then he called and said he couldn't see them his next visit- that he wasn't in the right frame of mind. Isn't this what I was trying to prove all along? That he's not in the right frame of mind to be caring for our kids? I asked him if the kids are okay and safe, and he said they were fine, that they were with my MIL. Oh, how I love that his tweaked out mother, who during our reconciliation was not even allowed on our property due to her drug use gets to raise my kids now! I'd asked my lawyer if I could demand drug testing for her, too, but she advised against it, saying I was asking too much, and the courts would look down on me being so demanding.

But, anyway. I know he's using, the problem is the way the random drug testing provision works is that I get to test him three times, and if he's negative all three, then I don't get to test ever again (unless I go back to court with good reason). He is soooo good at passing these tests- in fact, I've overheard him instructing his friends how to pass theirs. I wouldn't be surprised if he bought one of those fake urinating penises. So I have to be very judicious about testing him, and I really think I need to play it cool and just wait until he completely trusts me not to.

But it sucks, let me tell you! I worry about my kids so much. I was really starting to think he might blow his brains out right in front of them. He is not stable- why was this so hard to prove? If he has been found incapable of caring for himself, if he has a history of active addiction, then why in the ever living eff word am I leaving my kids in his care?

Whatever. He's beginning to forfeit his right to visits, and that's HUGE. I can only hope it continues.

Sunshine1234

Ughhh what a mess! Although, good to hear he may be heading towards just not showing up much in the future. I was just meeting with my therapist and she said even if my ex shows up for court dates and tries to put on a show that he's going to fight for the kids, he most likely won't show up for his visitation days when the dust settles. He has shown he can't handle that responsibility. That sounds fine to me and hopefully things work out in that way for you as well. I don't understand why it is so hard to prove that he's unstable...it just doesn't make sense?! As far as the drug tests, would they only order urine? Did you try asking for hair follicle? Seems like you could request that since urine tests seem so easy to fake these days. Fake penis?! Wow I haven't heard of that one...just insane what people can do to fudge these tests. Ughhh I'm sorry you are going through this!! I hope he realizes he can't handle the kids and you can have them all of the time. I mean realistically it would be great to share custody and the kids have their father in their lives...but when we are dealing with these men who can't be trusted it's VERY hard to let go and let our children be under their care.

Hechosedrugs

The drug tests are urinary. If I feel there is reason to test him, then I call a lab and pay for the test up front. He then has 6 hours to show up (shouldn't be difficult for him, since he has no job or other responsibilities... but, we'll see!) If he doesn't show up, it's considered positive (dirty), and I'll be refunded. He'll then have to PAY to visit with the kids in a supervised setting.

I agree with your therapist that once the dust settles he'll eventually lose interest. Addiction is what drives these men- it's even what gets them to show up to their custody hearings, believe it or not. My STBX fought for 50/50 even though he didn't want it! Why? More money for drugs!

I hope you do get sole custody, but please don't stress yourself out if you don't. The Family Court system is so broken.

I pray that your children will remain safe, no matter what arrangement you get. And that you will have peace of mind. You deserve it.

Sunshine1234

Thank you so much. I pray your children remain safe as well and you get some well needed and deserved peace. <3