Queenbee7

It's been two weeks since I last heard from my AH....which SHOULD be a good thing...right? It's what I wanted...no contact..a clean break.

But instead I feel like a rejected, wounded, abandoned child.

He had used again a month ago and I had put my foot down.. That was it. OVER! Still HE was trying like crazy to get me back. But still I wouldn't give him my new number or meet him for breakfast or go do any of the number of "dates" he wanted to take me on.
Although I did slip up and spend "alone time" with him on a couple occasions. Ahh, us codependents and our "drug of choice."

After the last time we were alone together I knew that had to be it, no more. I couldn't take it emotionally. I knew it was over, so why indulge in activity that only confuses the heart.
So in my head I prepared my farewell speech and planned out exactly what I would say and do the next time my SBXAH showed up at my home in the middle of the night. I was ready for it and ready for closure..
Well he never came back and I feel like I never got the closure I "deserve".
The distance and the No-Contact are a good thing I can feel it and see it in myself and my home.. But, I feel on some level that once again my husband has cheated me out of something important to me.
First the life I wanted with him and now at least having closure from not getting that life I wanted.
I feel like HE always has the last say on EVERYTHING. Is he really "All Powerful". LOL Sometimes it seems that way. HE held the key to whether our family stayed together or not. And he made the choice to break us up over drugs.
On a different post one you wise people said in a comment that (basically)"you know your relationship has reached it's end, but you still feel like he is yours". That REALLY resonated with me.

After all, he is MY husband and I am HIS wife. At least that means something to me. I wish it didn't.
So I got what I wanted, but I guess deep, deep, deep down inside a piece of me still thought he would choose to get sober. I didn't even know I still felt that way until now.
I want my heart and my subconsciousness to catch up with my strong logical brain.
Is there ever really closure from a using addict?

Sunshine1234

I told my mom the other day that I feel like the puppet and my husband is holding the strings. I know what you are feeling when the communication just comes to a screeching halt. I got so wrapped up in it that I missed hearing from him even when all he was doing was bantering me and making me feel like the crazy one. My husband is now supposedly in detox and I haven't heard from him in a week and I have to say it's been nice and peaceful. Even though you may not feel like you got the last word in you most certainly did. Sometimes not saying anything speaks volumes and is more than saying something. I'm sure he will peak his head in again and you will get the chance to say what you want, or maybe you can just say nothing.

atalose

No, not really because a relationship with an addict/alcoholic is anything but normal and healthy. So to expect it to end normal and healthy is kind of a fantasy. You want to share “feeling” your feelings and feelings is what most addicts/alcoholics are running from.

Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

I think the only conversation you need to have and the only person you need to see again is the person in the mirror. Apologize to that person for maybe staying to long. Look at that person and say I’m valuable I’m worth far greater then what I’ve tolerated.

When our thoughts are always on them it’s like dancing with the devil and wondering why we are still in hell.

Time does heal, be patient with yourself it’s only been a few weeks.

dandylion

^^^^^^Yes,.....Yes.....and, Yes!.....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

i doubt you've heard the last of him, Bee.

IMHO there are a couple of things that are highly overrated - if life is a steeplechase, they are the fences no codie can jump overly cleanly.

1. SOULMATE
2. CLOSURE

dandylion

^^^^^^^^LOL......"soulmate"......LOL....

dandylion

Bekindalways

^^^ Nice Anvil!


AAAARRRGGHHHH Bee, this type of thing hurts so so much.

I doubt any of us really want the no-contact. It is just the only choice to save our own lives . . . kinda like a major surgery with a long, long recovery time.

With my XABF, I originally would break up with him by going to see him and talk to him as you would with a normal healthy person. After I left him and he spiraled way down with addiction, he got sober. We did try to be friends or get back together a few times. Even sober, he would just quit talking to me if things weren't working out or something or someone else came along in his life. Ghosting I think is the word. I got so I wouldn't really put in any effort one way or another and just wait for him to quit talking to me. Not really how I want to be in relationships but it is what he does. And in some ways, I suppose it didn't make much difference as far as the pain. I don't know.

Chino

I feel this needs to be repeated.

Queenbee7

ALL of this was SUPER helpful

Thanks

Queenbee7

Thank you to everyone who has commented There is always something of value from each post.
I wish I knew how to use the small quotes, where I can quote just a sentence or two, because there are many I loved.

Ann

Queenbee, use the quote button and then just remove the stuff you don't want to quote, leaving the sentence you wish to quote standing alone. Just don't remove the brackets and Quote at each end.

WeakGirl

I think I said that and I didn't mean to be hurtful... but I know those feels. I understand that last part of what you said, too. Of course it means something to you. You didn't take your vows lightly. I cannot imagine how much you're hurting and I know it will take a lot of time to recover - but you WILL recover. You're going to be okay. It's still early and the pain is still fresh.

None of us actually want the addict out of our life. We want the addiction out of our life! Unfortunately, we only have a choice about that second part. We can choose to remove addiction and its consequences from our lives. We can't get the pre-addiction addict back. That's their choice.

As far as closure and not getting to say what you wanted - I don't know if any of these things will help you, but they sometimes help me when there's something I need to say and for some reason can't. Sometimes, I give my speech to the steering wheel of my car. (Man, it has endured some verbal abuse.) Sometimes, I write it all down and toss it in my backyard fire pit. I once even wrote a big, long letter. I put it in an envelope and addressed it. Then, I went to the post office and tossed it in the trashcan. haha. (That was to a fiancé who was literally planning a wedding with me and another woman at the same time.) There may even come a day when you're glad those things were ever said... I'm glad I never got to tell my ex the things in that letter.

Queenbee7

I have definitely felt this way through our whole marriage. It seemed like everything was in his hands all based on whether he used or not.

Queenbee7

Isn't it sad that this is what it compares to when you love a using addict.
So True though

Queenbee7

WeakGirl
I think you summed it up perfectly with your words above. I just have to accept what life is right now with him. He is a using addict and I won't accept that in my life.

Also your words weren't hurtful. They were actually helpful in understanding my own feelings regarding knowing my relationship is over, but still feeling like he is mine. I guess I never put two and two together.

zoso77

Well, that depends on what you mean by closure.

I think closure, in its popularly defined form, is highly overrated. The truth of the matter is we will always carry the addict with us, especially in cases when we're married to them. So what we have to learn how to do is carry them such that it doesn't cause a lot of pain or suffering.

And that, believe it or not, does get easier.

Closure implies a discrete event, after which everything is somehow fine after we've said all we've needed to say. That's not how life works. Healing takes time. Some days are easier than others. And even when we're far along the curve -- months or years after our association with the addict ends -- something can and will come up that tickles those old scars. And we deal with it just like we deal with everything else.

So allow yourself time. Just get through the days as best you can. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. You're going to be OK.