Vleavitt

I'm not to sure how this all works... but I'm starting to feel really lost in life... with my husband's addiction and the cheating in rehab I'm not sure what to do any more.
Why is it that I'm the one left to fix this mess.... can some help me has any one had a husband or wife only cheat in rehab and tell me your story??? Please anything helps.

glitterdeva

Sure. Here is my story I have been married to soon to be ex husband for 3 years now, together for 6. Before we were married he relapsed really bad (we lived together) and went to state rehab. I have supported him through the whole thing - 30 days of detox and 3 months of sober living. We saw each other on weekends, I supported him - gave him $, paid for his phone and paid for his lawyer (he had legal problems at the time). He cheated on me with a nasty girl and it was horrible. I was in so much pain, I wanted to know every single detail, it was hell. Soon after he was sentenced to 2 years for violation. I had a choice - leave this cheating, heroin addicted boyfriend, or take a chance and wait? I waited. For 18 months. We got married in jail. Supported him through it all - money on books, letters, phone calls, etc. Two days after he was out he relapsed on heroin and the crazy train took off again.

He was in 2 more rehabs since then and as far as I could tell, there was flirting. I actually found a message on his phone when he came out of his last rehab last year - saying something like "man, there are all these hot as* bishes here, i got myself a hot project". He, of course, explained as, you know, he just wanted his friend who just relapsed to come, blah, blah, blah. I am still in pain, analyzing it all.

Guess what? 2 weeks ago he dropped me like a hot potato, leaving for 4 days and had a threesome with some prostitute who looks like hell and has a crack baby, I mean literally. And something cracked inside me. F this, enough. He was shipped to yet another rehab somewhere in Nevada, I filed for divorce, changed locks, bank got his car and installed ADT security. I don't feel bad. I don't want to know nasty details.

I don't have any advice, I just know that for me - i have forgave him before and look where I am today.

Nelly1

I'm so sorry for what your feeling, I know it all too well. My fiancé's addiction has led him to do some pretty terrible and just awful things. Early into it he cheated on me with a girl who enjoyed drugs as much as he did (i never did drugs and rarely drink, not my thing) .... I caught on to it pretty early into the fling and forgave him although it went against everything in my soul. (we tend to feel bad for addicts because well.... They're sick after all right?) flash forward a year and the addiction has turned from Oxys to shooting up heroin and talking to women left and right...... While I'm the one doing everything for him, paying for everything, the rent, his gas, even paying off his dealers because he would convince me something bad would happen to him if I didn't.... You see the biggest thing I have learned from this is that .... What the hell is wrong with me that I allow this behavior? What along the way let me think this was an acceptable way to be treated? ..... Why do we jump through hoops to save someone who barely looks at us anymore and gives us the most disrespect. I am in the process of removing all of my things from our home and have begun to put MY life without him together... As much as my heart hurts and as hard as this truly is.... We can not allow their behavior. Addiction will take the kind beautiful soul of your partner and make them a MONSTER! I have tried to deny this fact time and time again and it always remains true. We can put a cherry on it, and sugarcoat it all we want but an addict will inflict pain on your life, they will lie they will steal and they might even cheat on you even if that was sooooooooo far from the person they were. Understand that this is not the person they are anymore ( even if they are in treatment ) he won't be right if he remains sober for quite some time. Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. Treat yourself kindly!

zoso77

Where does it say you're required to fix anything?

When you came aboard and I greeted you, I held back from saying what I was really thinking. And what was that? I think you should lose him and kick his arse to the curb.

Addiction or no addiction, infidelity to one's spouse is indicative of a character flaw which is very seldom fixed. I'm of the opinion that your AH feels entitled to a life of self indulgence. Whether it's drugs, or whether it's intimate relations with a woman other than his wife, he wants what he wants, and f**k the consequences to you and your son.

Mind you, I'm only presenting an opinion. You may feel inclined to try to salvage the marriage. But if that's the route you take, you need to be aware of what that means for you and your son. Recovering from heroin, statistically speaking, is a low probability event. Because this is so, the negative consequences to you and your son are quite real. So think this through dispassionately and make decisions based on what it best for you ad your son, not what you want.

Curlyq268

HI Vleavitt. Welcome to SR. I, too, have a story of infidelity. Looking back, had we gotten back together, I don't think that I could have ever forgiven the mistake. My EXBFA and I were together for five years and broke up, though we both said that we were "casually dating" other people. He continued to call, we maintained contact, and we continued to "casually date" each other for a year. Late last year I found out that he was not "casually dating" other people. He had already bounced off to a new relationship before ours was even "officially" over. They were actually living together and I was unintentionally the "other woman". I recently found out that although we both stopped talking to him late last year, she ended up pregnant (interesting how that "accidentally" happened after less than a year of dating when he and I have been in each others lives for 13 years and I never once had a pregnancy scare... but that's a whole nother can of worms). Long and short of it is, no one can answer this for you, but you. When I was in the depth of my codependence haze, I probably would have glazed over it and tried to rationalize the entire thing (But he said he really loves me and he's sorry and I'm the only woman he's ever truly loved, blah blah blah). However, a couple of months out of that haze, I can honestly look within myself and know that I would have NEVER gotten over it. Would I have forgiven him? Yes. Would I have forgotten it? Never. I am far from a jealous person, however, I don't want to be that woman in a relationship who is always second guessing their partner. Where are they going? Who are they seeing? What is that phone call? Who is that text from? I had to do that enough with his drug and alcohol addictions. I don't want to have to add another layer on that as well. The farther you distance yourself from your EX, the clearer that things become. Does my hear still ache? Yes. But it will heal. Time heals all wounds.

atalose

I’m of the opinion that cheating is a deal breaker. And addiction is never an excuse for cheating. There are a great number of A’s who I know that have never cheated.

Trust is very hard to re-build. He’s in re-hab doing the wrong things. Things that show you he has no respect for marriage and commitment.

Always remember – what you allow is what will continue.

Rehab is not a solution for addiction, it doesn’t fix him it’s merely an opportunity for him to get clean if he chooses and based on what you shared, he doesn’t seem to be making good choices.

Hawkeye13

addiction isn't a valid reason for cheating
non-addicts cheat too, and many addicts don't

it is a character flaw. . . maybe linked to the selfishness
and not caring about consequences which are also part and parcel
of addicts, but there is no cause / effect to my mind between
addition and cheating.

Vleavitt

Thank you every one.

Vleavitt

I'm trying to get someone's input about some that never never cheated before rehab but then cheated in rehab and if they made the marriage work.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

In a way and this is only my opinion, cheating in rehab is worse, if that's possible. First, at least theoretically, he wasn't under the influence, because he was in rehab. Second, having sex with other patients is strongly discouraged and in many facilities, it will get you kicked out. Third, he was in there for the sole purpose of addressing his addiction, not to make new "friends." Any recovery he managed between dates would be suspect, at best.

You deserve better, that's all.

teatreeoil007

Well, in a sense they DID cheat before rehab. They cheated by putting their addiction first. Also, some people are addicted to "new love" and get into a pattern of cheating; even serial cheating. Studies have shown that the brain 'in love' is a lot like the brain on drugs; it's a type of high. You put two addicts in a rehab setting, which is intense and bonding occurs...it may not be healthy bonding, but it is bonding. Their brains start to flood with those neurotransmitters that made them feel so good in the first place when using drugs and led them back to using again and again. They are in fresh and freshly getting clean from their drug of choice. Their brains are "ripe" for wanting to flood those receptors sites again with feel-good stuff. So, in a sense, they are replacing one drug with another; a very common thing for addicts to do. I'm not justifying any of it, but at a scientific, clinical level, that is a lot of what is going on there.

Some people are addicted to relationships; serial relationships for this very reason. It's a type of high.

atalose

You are seeking reassurances that it will all work out in the end, no one can or should tell you that. I’ve known a few and have read so many stories on here about “cheating in rehab” and sadly all of them were just very long slow painful relationship deaths for the spouse who chose to hang on. I know of one marriage that lasted 4 more years after “cheating in rehab” then she relapsed and guess what the spouse was extremely hesitant in allowing her to go back to rehab because of her past cheating history. The marriage did not last, true TRUST was never fully re-built and it was the addict who filed for divorce.

Bargaining stage of grief keeps us living on “hope” and as many of us here learned the hard painful way – hope is not a plan.

Listen very carefully to your inner voice even if it’s not what you want to hear, because it’s always right.

AnvilheadII

i guess i'll ask the question....what makes you now certain he never cheated on you before?

and are you SURE you want to make this marriage to him work???
he lied about his drug problem, he got himself kicked out of rehab for sleeping with another woman, AND he's now in JAIL. not exactly Man of the Year material.........

Vleavitt

Okay I should start from the beginning he never lied to eme about the drugs ever. As far as the cheating befpre rehab I know because the people in his life before aren't on are not ones to keep that on dl. I would like to ypu thank you every one for the help rightnow I feel very alone and this site is a way to get help. I have ever thought my life would get to this point and I was just hoping to get help those that have been in the same spot I am. I would like to say sorry if I coming off as rude I a, just needing someone to talk to.. thank you

JOIE12

you are here and you are aware. It's an awakening. I spent almost 3 years here - silent. Reading, absorbing, learning. I'm happy that you jumped in right away. Please read as many stories as you can, even if they don't support what you wish to happen. I read the odds and I didn't believe it .. at first. As my life mirrored everything that I read ... I slowly began to tell myself every day that I needed to end this craziness.

You have the power to choose your own life. To choose who is in it and who never really was. It does get better and we grow stronger. Codependency is a real illness. Minus the drug but just as damaging.

We are here for you anytime. Keep coming back. Wishes for strength and Hugs, Joie

zoso77

This is going to be my final contribution to the thread. Take what you like and leave the rest.

There comes a time in everyone's life where decisions are thrust upon us about people in our lives and whether or not they add to it or have a deleterious affect on it. And in order to make decisions such as this, one has to be in touch with their own value system and their own moral compass.

For me, after my then-AGF confessed to multiple infidelities, there was no way I could in good conscience allow her to be in my life in any way. She had behaved in a way that was not consistent with my values and my moral compass.

We cannot make decisions for you regarding whether or not you should try to salvage your marriage. All we can do is share our ES&H, our truth, and our ideals. Your responsibility is to make the best possible decisions you can for yourself and your son. And in order to do that, you need to understand what it is you're dealing with, and you have to be honest with yourself about what you can and are willing to put up with.

Keep us posted.