CaringScared

My boyfriend and I split up a few months ago. The last time we spoke was on Thanksgiving. There was never a definitive breakup conversation. He was on crack, had progressed to living on the street. I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore. I was wracked with anxiety, so much so that I couldn't even bear to talk to him anymore. A lot of you helped me then, and I'm so grateful.

I never asked him to stop calling or blocked his number, I just stopped responding. He's called me a few times since then, he always sounds totally horrible and sick, but it's always "I'm clean so you should really get back with me" or "I'm renting a room now, so call if you want to talk." I've never been tempted. I've been burned out, burned to a crisp.

But anyway, the past month, I've been missing him like crazy. I've replayed everything a million times and thought about how much I love him. I appreciate this must sound insane.

Yesterday he called me and then sent a text that just said "Will you call me." I was pained, but I decided to respond. I sent him something like, "I will always love you W, but I can't do it anymore. I need to be by myself right now. But I really do love you." I got a text back that said, "I'm calling pick up the phone." Then he called. I didn't answer.

About half an hour after that I was thinking, I'm such a jerk. Why torture him by saying I can't be with him but "love him"? Leave him be. An hour or so later, I started feeling really empty. It's hard to explain, but it was like...there was no dialogue. I can't know, but I have the feeling it might have been related to money. Money or a place to stay. Whatever it is, it just made the lack of connection vivid for me.

All breakups are hard. I feel like this was a milestone. I feel a little sad, but at the same time I felt the little exchange made clear that we cannot give each other what we want.

Ann

That took amazing strength and courage and you did well to hold your own. I think you already knew where the call would lead...money or a place or something good for him but not for you...and you took care of yourself by letting it go.

It hurts right now, but it will hurt less as time goes by. The pain of leaving eventually heals. The pain of staying grows greater with time.

You deserve a wonderful like. I hope you find it.

Hugs

Lolo85

I really try to remember this on a daily basis. As much as I miss my EXABF and grieve over the relationship lost, he has chosen to use and sell dope. And because of that, he will never be able to give me what I want/need out of a relationship. Even if we were back in a relationship, I would not be content or satisfied. I would be longing for something more than he could ever give me.

It has been going on three months since the end of my relationship with my EXABF. There are good moments in the day and bad moments in the day. I still cry but it doesn't last nearly as long. Although he is constantly on my mind, I find I don't worry about him as much as I did. I guess that is progress...

Sending you strength and peace through all of this.

CaringScared

Thank you so, so much for the replies. Ann, I thought about your words continually yesterday. The pain of leaving heals, the paying of staying does not. It's true...

Lolo, that is completely the way it is with me too. I cried yesterday, but just briefly. And he's been on my mind constantly too, but without the worry. That IS progress. God, I was making myself sick with worry before.

I feel a little better today. I am fortunate to have funds, I think I'm going to plan a trip.

Lolo85

Yes, I feel my mind is more "at peace" although he crosses my mind much of the time. It is nice to not have the continuous anxiety & worry which I would still have if we were in a relationship.

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better today. A trip sounds wonderful! I am just ready for longer, warmer days with plenty of sunshine and blue skies!

zoso77

I don't see it as torture at all. I see it as telling the truth. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. You threw down a boundary. How he responds isn't your concern.

CaringScared

Thank you, Zoso. Your opinion means a lot. I was reassured by that.