PuzzledHeart

Some actual good news on this front: My mom went to the oncologist this week. Her doctor was over the moon - the disease has been way less aggressive than we all thought it was. And despite brief periods of paralysis, my mom's health has been remarkably stable.

So my mom decided to start treatment again, with the agreement that quality of life continues to take priority over controlling the disease. So she'll start a very very low dosage, and she'll take it from there.

Obviously my sister hasn't been part of this conversation, so she doesn't know right now of my mom's decision. I feel bad not letting her know about this, but at the same time I feel that she's shown no interest in participating in this process so why inform her now?

If my mom was declining, there would be no question that I would let my sister know. But I just don't want a rehash of last year, where I would tell my sister of the appointments and she would come of with some reason why she couldn't show up or help dad drive my mom down for the radiation appointments. She hasn't given me or my dad any sign that she wants to help out, so why bother?

So am I drawing a boundary or am I just being vengeful? Right now, I fantasize about sending her a text: "Mom starting treatment again. No thanks to you. F$#@ off."

Don't worry. I won't do that.

Bekindalways

Good question Puzzled >>>"So am I drawing a boundary or am I just being vengeful?"

I struggle with one of my sisters and can feel little grudgelets (One of Annie Lamontt's terms) in my heart of hearts when I have to decide what to communicate with her about our parents. Maybe your father could contact her (or not).

atalose

I don’t really know the whole back story or what happened last year but my thoughts are:

Why are you the spokesperson for your parents? Are they not capable of telling their other daughter about current medical events?


And glad your mom has improved enough to begin treatments again, that's positive.

PuzzledHeart

You're right. They're perfectly capable of telling my sister the news. My dad would be the one most likely to contact her, but after the Thanksgiving debacle, where he had asked her to help watch over mom and she said yes, and then was so unreliable he told her not to bother, it's been kind of downhill from there.

He also found out right before the appointment that she had been telling her ex-husband that she was too busy helping mom out to get their house ready for sale, while telling my dad that she was too busy getting the house for sale that she couldn't help mom.

That didn't go very well.

Ann

Your sister seems to have chosen not to be an active participant in "family" issues so I think I would let it go rather than set yourself up for more disappointment.

If she is interested, she will contact someone. It's not a "snub" to stop communicating with someone who isn't interested enough to inquire.

Just my thoughts. Please do what you feel comfortable doing without guilt or apology.

Prayers out for your mom and your family. This must be a difficult time for you.

Hugs

Troubledsister

I had a somewhat similar situation recently. Am I guessing correctly then you want to send the text to keep lines of communication open? My mom had a successful appointment following her last chemo, and I did text my addict brother that news. I got an arrogant reply that he already knew, but I did get a reply. Just go with your gut on this one! Good luck!

Chino

The #1 suggestion from my daughter's rehab and it seems to emcompass just about everything: "wait for the question."

PuzzledHeart

bekindalways, Anne Lamott! I remember when I first read her work in Salon. What a revelation! I have crushes on her and Cheryl Strayed. Fortunately my husband is OK with that.

I think waiting for the question is the best approach for now (Thanks Chino!).

Ann, what you said jostled a memory in me that I hadn't thought about in a long time. When my mom was at her weakest, she had requested that we take care of burial arrangements just so she knew that we would be ready when it happened. So I contacted the cemetery and made an appointment.

My mom made it quite clear that it was important for her to know that my dad, my sister and I all had a role in selecting her burial plot. In hindsight, she knew that my sister and I weren't getting along, and I think she was hoping that this would be a step in repairing our relationship. My sister tried to get out of it, but I told her she had a lot more inner strength than she gave herself credit for and it was important to mom that she be there.

Fast forward to the appointment: my sister doesn't talk to either my dad or me, but immediately buries her face in her phone and starts texting. My dad and I are talking with the administrator, and she's still texting. She barely participates in the process at all.

"I'm talking to Mom and she wants me to take a picture of the plot." So we leave her alone.

We go into the administrator's office to finalize details and at that moment my sister said that she was going to step out. When my dad and I are done, she's on the phone with her boyfriend. At that point, I'm like, whatever.

We go home. My sister offers to show my mom the picture of the plot. My mom says no thank you. My sister looked hurt.

Later on, I was discussing this whole incident with a friend. My friend listened to the whole story and asked just one question.

"Your mom texts?"

My mom is a technophobe. Of course she doesn't text. And of course I know it, but my sister is so good at lying it didn't even register in my stupid brain that she was doing that.

I want to give my sister the benefit of the doubt, and as a result I've been treating her as if she was a rational, honest human being. But my sister, due to her childhood trauma and her long-term drug habit, is NOT a rational honest human being. It would be delusional of me to engage with her in the way I normally engage with other people because then it would be refusing to admit that she is sick - heartsick and painsick and everything in between.

The problem is she wants the kind of help that would allow her to maintain the delusion that everything is fine with her, even if all other signs point otherwise. But the help she needs is the help that strips away all the lies, it takes away all her defenses and she's not ready to do that just yet. And she may never be ready for that.

I remember her kindness when I was going through my depression in my twenties. I remember her begging me to get better and not to kill myself because she would be pissed off at me for the rest of her living days. I just can't help but thinking that my sister, THAT sister, is gone now. And the roles have reversed, my sister is in the process of killing herself in slow motion, and now I'm the one who's consumed with anger.

Thanks for letting me vent for the umpteenth time.