wasteland

Hey,

I was hesitant about posting here but I'm going to try. I suppose I'll take any advice I can get at this point. First- about me: I am an addict. In my early 20s, I became addicted to pain pills over the course of about 3 years. After the experience and I became clean, I never could say I wasn't an addict anymore. It's part of me now. When things get bad, I know there are pills that may temporarily make the pain disappear for a few hours. And I'm still aware of the aftermath and what I put my family through. So I don't self-medicate any longer... or I didn't. This is where things get complicated.

This past January, something happened to my sister. She was behaving differently. I know there's a lot that built up to my sister's addiction but for the family, it began on one day. She was at my father's, and my Mother was taking care of her son (who just turned 1) and needed my sister's help. Of course, she's his mother. It's not unusual. So my Dad tried to wake my sister up I guess and calls back. I'm at my Mom's with her and my nephew. He's saying "She's refusing to wake up." "What do you mean she's refusing to wake up? I have to get work done. She has to come take care of her child." So he tries to wake her up again screaming her name repeatedly. She's just muttering, barely opening her eyes.

So my Dad has an appointment somewhere so my Mom sends me over while my Dad is waiting with my sister (until I get there). I finally arrive and my Dad asks, "Do you think she was out too late partying or something?" and I say "I have no idea. She's been distant with me." My Dad has to run. And I'm sure you're wondering why the ambulance wasn't called. I don't know. She was responsive, saying yeah but falling right back asleep. No even thought to consider drugs. That wasn't my sister. Sure, she'd go out drinking with her friends (or so we thought). So I'm sitting there yelling her name. Nothing.

So I'm just sitting there next to her, monitoring her. She's breathing normally I guess. A half hour goes by. I'm just playing on my phone but I'm getting impatient so I try to wake her up again. She opens her eyes really quick, "What? What?" and then instantly falls back asleep. Now I'm starting to wonder what the hell is happening here." So I run up to the room she was staying in at my Dads (she was on the couch) to grab her stuff because I was ready to pour cold water on her and hit the road.

But I found a bottle of Xanax. It all begins here.

But I can only give you short details about the inbetweens and today. Currently, my sister is a hardcore heroin addict.

It started out with support from her entire family. Countless interventions. I'll just list some of the stuff the entire family (and I'm not excluding her son either) went through and I'm sure many of you can relate.

The failed interventions.
Trying to get her into programs.
She begins to steal stuff from wherever and sell it.
She begins to ignore her son.
Tries to quit, does outpatient for a while, we're all proud, relieved.
Her son's father is out of jail for his own drug charges, my sister disappears. We find out she relapses.
Dealing with her irrational behavior.
My mother having to see a doctor chest pain.
Returns, but I'm starting to understand her more. I was never this as reckless and cold as she is but I see what's happening. She's taking advantage of my mother now. Financially.
My mother tries taking her car keys away, no. Threatens to call police on mother.
Leaves again.
Her car is suddenly involved in a police chase. She wasn't in the car, but two other men were driving and had guns. Car was impounded.
Boyfriend goes back to jail, but she meets homeless guy who was friend with her boyfriend.
Her switches her from snorting heroin to shooting it up.
At home, everyone is different. We're all changed people.
She manipulates my Mom again, and my Mom welcomes her back home. At this point, I am living with my Mom to help take care of her son.
I can't accept this. I go into her room at my Moms with one of those medium sized rubber sledge hammers and start smashing her TV, furniture, ripping up pictures of her and her boyfriend. I lose control basically because I know my Mom is enabling, and I know my sister is aware.
My Mom starts to lose it with me (of course...), I tell her I f*cking hate my sister and that she belongs on the streets. My mom threatens to kick me out but thinks she's having a heart attack. My anger turns into fear, and I'm helping her look for aspirin. 911 is called (my nephew isn't here this day, he's with my Dad) and ambulance comes to check on her. She's okay but we stop talking. I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't be present in the world right then, so I took an entire bottle of Atarax (anti-histamines) and sleep for about 16 hours. Wake up and apologize to my Mother. We're okay again, I've calmed down. Took all the furniture and TV I ruined out to the dumpster. I still don't know what's happening to me.

Sister never came anyway.

And that's when she disappeared for about a month. We tried to find her at first but had no idea where to look. This was when the family decided to let her go.

Things started becoming normal again as horrible as it is to say. It was peaceful again without her. But you know there were those brief moments where you wondered, "Is she dead?"

I lost my best friend. He said I wasn't the same anymore and that I was taking things out on him. I still had a lot of rage despite things becoming more peaceful. He told me "Just because of what's going on with your sister sucks doesn't give you the right lose your temper with me" I told him he was right. It's not what should have happened. Yet it did. Our friendship could not be saved because one, he said he didn't want to speak to me again, and two- I called him later and told him he was wrong. I couldn't justify that he was wrong, I couldn't defend myself but I needed him to know he was wrong for some reason. That became an argument. I'm losing friends now because of my behavior.

Sister calls out of the blue saying she's going to rehab. Everyone is shocked to hear from her but as far as rehab goes, we'll believe it when we see it.

This brings us to the other day. I'm sitting with her in a rehab facility waiting for her insurance to approve her for detox and 28 days. She's sickly thin, incredibly dark bags under her eyes, dirty grungy hair.

What really changed some things for me was when she she showed me her hands and arms. The shoot up marks and bruises. I can't the image out of my head. She's still got this cold demeanor, but she's in withdrawal. I knew then I never hated her. I knew then my anger wasn't towards her. I knew my sister could be gone soon if something didn't happen. I knew I couldn't be the one to save her, or anyone in my family. I knew that even after 28 days rehab, it'll be far from over.

So... I know I just listed a lot stuff. And believe me, there was plenty more that happened. Some things I'd just like to forget.

Where we're at now?

She was not approved for rehab. Only 5 days detox.

The family is assuming this is a step in the right direction. They want to believe this will end soon. I don't know if I'm the only one who's thinking differently, or negatively. I'm still lost, I'm having a hard time adjusting to this different person I am. I think my parents probably go to sleep with a lot of emotional pain but I'm really glad they can put it out of their minds temporarily. I'm so worried for them.

I'm self-medicating. Found an old bottle of amphetamine salts that I never bothered using. Makes me feel something hopeful for a few hours until I crash. I'm aware what I'm doing is wrong on many different levels and trying to find the willpower to flush them every day. It's been no longer than a week. Not major dosages. So yes, my addiction has reactivated. Not with opiates, something different but still considering it a dangerous addiction. I hope I can kill this before anything serious happens. I just don't feel like I care about myself.

I remember I was going through withdrawal from a drug called oxymorphone and I was real heavy into it. I snorted them, NEVER shot up anything in my life. It WAS the worst withdrawal I've ever experienced. I remember clawing at my skin, wanting to die every second. I cried, and cried... my sister, who had never taken these drugs in her life, the bubbly, happy, loving, sister who I considered my best friend cried with me one of those horrible nights and just said "Listen, this isn't forever, this will be over for you, and you'll be happy again, I promise" and she just hugged me for so long while I bawled.

That was my sister. I don't even know if she remembers that night and how much those words meant to me then. It's different though. If I said that to her, I don't know how much it would mean. I wish I would have said it sooner- before she was so lost.

It's also different because of her son- my nephew, who means everything to me. I have to get my sh*t together right now. For him. For her (can't save her but I can love her), and for my family.

I don't know how this story ends. I need her to be in inpatient. Everyone does. Her insurance company is being difficult because she's done detox twice nice. They don't want to pay for her stay at rehab. We can't afford the out of pocket cost so if she can't get in after detox, I'm not sure what to do. January 1st is coming up quickly and she can apply for new insurance. But I don't know what will happen. I never went to rehab, not even detox. I cold turkey'd everything and I was doing okay... until now. So I don't know what to do. We'll have a family meeting soon.

I'll try to keep this updated.

Hawkeye13

What about a free program like the Salvation Army?

Such a difficult situation--you staying clean no matter what really is critical.
Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

JimC60

Wasteland,

First, welcome to the forums, sorry that you need to be here but, you have found a good place for support.

On the topic of your sister, heroin addicts will need medically supervised detox and apparently her insurance will pay at least partially for that segment of recovery.

Hawkeye suggested the Salvation Army rehab program which is free and several here have reported good results for themselves or loved ones who participated in their program.

Like it or not, the real key to your sister's recovery IS your sister. She can go to the classiest, most expensive, residential rehab there is and if she is not ready to be clean her recovery will last exactly as long as her stay at the rehab plus anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. If she is not ready, she will not stay clean for long.

The "super motivated" could get by with detox and saturation NA meetings for a longish period of time (90 or more meetings in 90 days) followed by 3 or 4 meetings a week for literally years. It sounds as though you personally have stayed clean without the benefit of a program and do not kid yourself, even though you never got into heroin - the opiate pills are a terrible addiction also, I am truly impressed that you managed to get and stay clean on your own.

You need to stop self-medicating, that will not do anybody any good in the long run - but you knew that already! From what you have said, I don't think you are that far back into the pills an probably can "will" yourself to stop like you did before.

As for you and your Mom, you need to find a program for yourselves, otherwise your sister will continue to manipulate the family to no one's long term benefit. I like Nar-Anon but Al-Anon works for some as does Codepenents Anonymous (not all of these groups are available in all towns). I am sorry if my words seem harsh, I am just calling it like I see it from my side of the street.

Keep coming back; it works if you work it,

Jim

wasteland

Thanks for the replies. I realize anything can happen regarding relapsing even after so long. Painkillers are what most heroin addicts start out with. I don't have access to those, and something I'd never want to bother with is contacting anyone from the past to get more. Eck, that's not me. It's this one bottle of Adderall I'm struggling with. They're here, but no longer in my possession. I gave them to my mother and I'm starting to taper off of them.

I am so depressed though. Without any slight sensation of emotional relief from pills, things just feel hopeless for me so I can't imagine what my sister must be feeling like. I remember what a lot of it is like but there's certain memories I just have to block out because I didn't care if I died at that point.

There are other issues happening in my life that are contributing. My sister's addiction took a real toll on me and the family. But it's been a culmination of events that have happened over the past year that have really put me in a dark place. My father says I need to be strong for my nephew and my sister. But I did ask him not too long ago if he'd drive me to a psychiatric unit because I really felt like I couldn't take it anymore but everyone else was caught up with their afflictions, a lot of it being my sister's addiction. I just ended up taking sleeping pills that night.

So yes, I am an addict. My addiction can be re-activated if too many bad things happen in a short amount of time. I've never thought, "Today seems like a nice for a pain pill!", because that was never how it really was for me. My threshold for emotional pain grew after quitting drugs but as I mentioned before, if enough happens, I might reach for something or self-medicate.

My sister was approved for outpatient rehab. It's 5 days a week from 8am to 4pm I believe. She will be staying here after detox but my Mother and I will do the majority of caring for my nephew. That's the only time I can really toughen up, even without the use of self-medicating. I've adapted to the position of caring for him properly. He's very safe with us and we'd do anything for him.

I don't know what will happen with the car she's been using. It hasn't really been brought up yet. But she's mastered taking off. So signing it over to me or my Mother and taking away the keys would be best. But after she's dropped off at outpatient, we know nothing. It's a shame. I don't know anything about the Salvation Army inpatient rehab but it's like it's already been set in stone. I don't really get a say because I'm not her parent, I'm just her brother. I voice my input, but I don't get to give the ultimatums or decide what her next step is. This is intensive outpatient though. It's apparently nothing like that place she was originally going to. It's better than detox to the streets.

JimC60, you brought up my recovery. I was always willing to go rehab and tried to get into many but there was always some problem relating to a controlled substance that was prescribed to me long before my addiction had began (it was my gateway drug!). Every facility needed me to be detoxed from this particular medication before accepting me but it wasn't the proper method of handling it. According to my doctor, the detoxification process used in the states (banned in other countries) would have left me with a symptoms that could last many years, something called protracted withdrawal. He was aware of my addiction and still advised against rehab. It was a very odd situation.

Of course I attended meetings. I found other distractions and sought out CBT/DBT therapy where my addiction was discussed every week with a LMHC who specialized in substance abuse counseling. I read many self books. I changed my lifestyle in different ways and obviously cut the cord with potentially influential "friends". I had the title of addict, but there were rarely any days where I thought about using again.

Of course now it's time for that re-evaluation. I'm not going to enter rehab, no. I've always been able to gauge when it was time to get serious help. For me, it was just not caring and now since the situation is a little different, I have to start caring for myself. I have to be there. The problem is sorting everything out. When I look at the big picture, it's harrowing. I feel that constant impending doom. Sad, lonely, geez- I think I might just be friendless. The friends that would never support my drug habit drifted away in this past year. They had their problems too and we lost contact. And of course I lost my best friend I was taking my problems out on him.

So what's next for me... just... working on myself and doing small things everyday that can make me better. Utilizing CBT/DBT techniques I've learned in therapy (can't afford it anymore). I have to play it all by ear but it's all so scattered. One thing I've learned over the years, after getting clean... there is no quick fix for any of life's problems excepting working on them and even then, nothing is guaranteed. That last part is bleak but I know it's true.

One thing I really need to work on is my temper. I don't know how it got like this. I guess just so much f'ing frustration in a short amount of time. The adhd meds don't help, especially with that crash feeling. I think right before entering this dark place with my sister's addiction, I was the happiest I ever was since I was a little kid. So stable, so satisfied, so proud. It was a time when I started to rediscover faith. I thought maybe "god" was finally letting me live again.

It took one year to become an atheist. Don't even care for the label. I just know there was no guiding force that entire time and I realize now that no one is owed anything and no one is safe from addiction. Including the family. This is just my post. My other family could write something just as long and some of it would be similar I think, a lot of it would be different.

Will be back. Thanks for reading.