Returning....husband and vacation
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe its time to seize hope for YOURSELF? you can have a lovely wonderful joy filled life WITHOUT HIM.....he may NEVER change or never change ENOUGH. rather than wait around for someone else to get it together, maybe it's time to get busy doing what you wish HE would do? face down your own fears, beat back your own demons, get out from under the "sickness" that holds you in place. i bet you'll be amazed when you focus your energies where they rightly belong!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Point well taken! Thank you!!! It's good to have a knock up the head....
I am not waiting long....continue to pray for guidance and have pretty much gotten it. By the beginning of the year, I will have taken action.
I see no reason to wait. I just need to get my bearings.
I am not waiting long....continue to pray for guidance and have pretty much gotten it. By the beginning of the year, I will have taken action.
I see no reason to wait. I just need to get my bearings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
He contacted me last night around 10pm. He basically thanked me for pickup up the dog. Then he stated how we haven't been happy for while. Really? Funny, when I went to discuss something difficult...I would always ask if there was anything that I could do for him.
Along the way, I'd hear he was happy as he's ever been (a month ago) and he wanted to be the man that I needed. Hmm.
I asked him, last night, what he was unhappy about.....drum roll. He said "I asked you to cook more often?" LOL. Ugh....I told him on our first date that I was kinda done cooking as I was married for 25 years prior and had 2 kids and didn't care for it. He was like "I like to cook and I'm ok with that..." "FYI I did cook when I could..usually on my day off and when he was home (he's shiftworker).
Deflecting his bad behavior. Way to go hubby!
Along the way, I'd hear he was happy as he's ever been (a month ago) and he wanted to be the man that I needed. Hmm.
I asked him, last night, what he was unhappy about.....drum roll. He said "I asked you to cook more often?" LOL. Ugh....I told him on our first date that I was kinda done cooking as I was married for 25 years prior and had 2 kids and didn't care for it. He was like "I like to cook and I'm ok with that..." "FYI I did cook when I could..usually on my day off and when he was home (he's shiftworker).
Deflecting his bad behavior. Way to go hubby!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i think there is a special designation for "lack of cooking skills' as grounds for divorce. 
He said nothing. It sounds ridiculous.
I think that pushed me into action....I made an appt with an attorney von Monday.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I'm with Anvil, refusal to be an unpaid line cook is a capital offense!
My wife and I wrote our own vows, and I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER the
"you will cook what I want, when I want, any hour of the day or night,
in precisely the manner I decide and/or whim".
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
(Mrs. Vale has a slightly different take: "You know where the can
opener is----------A-hole!")
My wife and I wrote our own vows, and I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER the
"you will cook what I want, when I want, any hour of the day or night,
in precisely the manner I decide and/or whim".
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
(Mrs. Vale has a slightly different take: "You know where the can
opener is----------A-hole!")
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
LOL! Sometimes, I am not sure if he hears himself talking???
I will meet with the attorney on Monday, give myself some time to grief and gain my strength over the holidays, and then file next year.
The amount of energy that I have put into this marriage of almost 3 years..was incredible. I suppose I was naive when I married him after 12 years of sobriety....
I've been educated by personal experience at this point.
I will meet with the attorney on Monday, give myself some time to grief and gain my strength over the holidays, and then file next year.
The amount of energy that I have put into this marriage of almost 3 years..was incredible. I suppose I was naive when I married him after 12 years of sobriety....
I've been educated by personal experience at this point.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Update: My husband went to the courthouse to file divorce paperwork. He came to the house, on Saturday, to get his stuff and drop off paperwork that I need notarized. Ok.
He was angrily moving out "his dresser" and having it flop
all over the yard as he wouldn't accept help. I was a circus.
I mentioned the tax money that he agreed to give me for the property taxes. He said "I was thinking that I am only giving you half."
Nope. My patient, calm demeanor flew out the door. He said he's spent 12k on Hawaii and he only wanted to pay 1/2 of the taxes. Nope. I told him he spent 12k on his d**k in Hawaii for him and only him. I then proceeded to tell him how he couldn't commit to a dog much less of a marriage. Pretty much, the whole time he got an earful...while he was getting his stuff. Everything was true.
He threatened to get the appreciation in the house (he can't per prenup) and I said he didn't even have a copy of the prenup and had no idea what it said....I called his bluff and said I'd go for his retirement/401K ( I can't per prenup). That stirred him up quit a bit.
He told me before leaving; "have the papers signed, I will be back Sunday or Monday for the rest of my things (kayaks) and you will get 1/2 of the taxes."
I said "nope. You have the full amount of taxes in the joint account (I will transfer it out); I will let you know when you can come to my house and it will be the last time. I will also not sign anything until the tax money is in the acct."
He said he'd get the cops for his things. I said "good luck with that" and shut the door.
He called soon after to say he'd give me the full amount once I signed the documents for divorce. I said "no. You will give me the money before they are signed. I don't trust you."
Sunday he didn't contact me.
Monday he texted several times. I finally responded regarding his request to get his things. I said "not today. What I said...I meant." He attempted to call. I am not dealing with this manchild.
He's a coward and liar. He took about 1600 from the joint account (really it's his and I don't touch it). I could have but didn't. I want to do it the honorable way.
I wonder why the sense of urgency for this divorce? I know he's drinking heavily and usually he doesn't use meth if he's drinking. Perhaps, he has shame and wants to get this over with?????
He was angrily moving out "his dresser" and having it flop
all over the yard as he wouldn't accept help. I was a circus.
I mentioned the tax money that he agreed to give me for the property taxes. He said "I was thinking that I am only giving you half."
Nope. My patient, calm demeanor flew out the door. He said he's spent 12k on Hawaii and he only wanted to pay 1/2 of the taxes. Nope. I told him he spent 12k on his d**k in Hawaii for him and only him. I then proceeded to tell him how he couldn't commit to a dog much less of a marriage. Pretty much, the whole time he got an earful...while he was getting his stuff. Everything was true.
He threatened to get the appreciation in the house (he can't per prenup) and I said he didn't even have a copy of the prenup and had no idea what it said....I called his bluff and said I'd go for his retirement/401K ( I can't per prenup). That stirred him up quit a bit.
He told me before leaving; "have the papers signed, I will be back Sunday or Monday for the rest of my things (kayaks) and you will get 1/2 of the taxes."
I said "nope. You have the full amount of taxes in the joint account (I will transfer it out); I will let you know when you can come to my house and it will be the last time. I will also not sign anything until the tax money is in the acct."
He said he'd get the cops for his things. I said "good luck with that" and shut the door.
He called soon after to say he'd give me the full amount once I signed the documents for divorce. I said "no. You will give me the money before they are signed. I don't trust you."
Sunday he didn't contact me.
Monday he texted several times. I finally responded regarding his request to get his things. I said "not today. What I said...I meant." He attempted to call. I am not dealing with this manchild.
He's a coward and liar. He took about 1600 from the joint account (really it's his and I don't touch it). I could have but didn't. I want to do it the honorable way.
I wonder why the sense of urgency for this divorce? I know he's drinking heavily and usually he doesn't use meth if he's drinking. Perhaps, he has shame and wants to get this over with?????
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Update: Well...his things are removed from the house as of yesterday. All of them. He has an old truck that he needs to come get but everything else is out. I have signed the divorce waiver and I assume that he delivered it to the court house to file.
The minimal communication has been out arrangements to get his things. I did not see him, yesterday, when he removed his remaining items. My daughter was present. I was crying knowing that he was in the house and it would be the last time. Part of the grieving I assume.
I am detaching over time. I recognize that this is a process. In TX it will take 60 days for a court date...so I am thinking in Feb.
I have no reason to talk or see him. He hasn't taken any responsibility for his behaviors. I've heard "I am sad this is happening to us" via a text but really....it's a choice. These things just didn't happen.
I reaching out for support on many different levels. It's amazing how life can change so quick.
The minimal communication has been out arrangements to get his things. I did not see him, yesterday, when he removed his remaining items. My daughter was present. I was crying knowing that he was in the house and it would be the last time. Part of the grieving I assume.
I am detaching over time. I recognize that this is a process. In TX it will take 60 days for a court date...so I am thinking in Feb.
I have no reason to talk or see him. He hasn't taken any responsibility for his behaviors. I've heard "I am sad this is happening to us" via a text but really....it's a choice. These things just didn't happen.
I reaching out for support on many different levels. It's amazing how life can change so quick.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
I'm sorry you're going through this. I also went to Hawaii with my XAHB a few years ago and while it was not hell, I now can already see he was slipping away. He slept most of the trip and did not want to do much. We took a beautiful drive down a winding road to Hana and the payoff is supposed to be a wonderful beach and island. When we arrived, he was so frustrated/irritable he walked off while I sat on the beach alone taking pictures of myself. We stayed for all of 15 minutes and got back in the car and drove back.
It sounds as if he is already slipping away. Remember to take care of yourself because you cannot control his behavior but you can control yours. You are not the reason and you should not feel guilty for needing your space. Hopefully he can clean up when you guys get home. If not, detach. He will soon see that you are serious about the bottom line. Good luck.
It sounds as if he is already slipping away. Remember to take care of yourself because you cannot control his behavior but you can control yours. You are not the reason and you should not feel guilty for needing your space. Hopefully he can clean up when you guys get home. If not, detach. He will soon see that you are serious about the bottom line. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Originally Posted by Strugglingwife7
I'm sorry you're going through this. I also went to Hawaii with my XAHB a few years ago and while it was not hell, I now can already see he was slipping away. He slept most of the trip and did not want to do much. We took a beautiful drive down a winding road to Hana and the payoff is supposed to be a wonderful beach and island. When we arrived, he was so frustrated/irritable he walked off while I sat on the beach alone taking pictures of myself. We stayed for all of 15 minutes and got back in the car and drove back.
It sounds as if he is already slipping away. Remember to take care of yourself because you cannot control his behavior but you can control yours. You are not the reason and you should not feel guilty for needing your space. Hopefully he can clean up when you guys get home. If not, detach. He will soon see that you are serious about the bottom line. Good luck.
It sounds as if he is already slipping away. Remember to take care of yourself because you cannot control his behavior but you can control yours. You are not the reason and you should not feel guilty for needing your space. Hopefully he can clean up when you guys get home. If not, detach. He will soon see that you are serious about the bottom line. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Update:
It's been since December 11, 2015 that he initially filed for a divorce. I checked the court house website, last week, and it seems that he never turned in the divorce waiver (that he was initially impatient for me to sign/notarize).
This was after I received a text almost 2 weeks ago to see if there was a courtdate etc. The divorce waiver wasn't turned in, which made sense when he texted me almost 2 weeks ago, stating "I didn't marry you to divorce you. To much has happened. I am continuing with the filing."
He then called and texted several times a few nights ago (Friday). I answered the last call. He said he was struggling with wanting to divorce and not wanting one. He isn't sure that we can work things out? I don't say much other than "no person can predict the outcome. However, I do know in this situation it takes each person investing 100% in working on the marriage for it to work. If one person, decides to not do it..then why bother?"
I did notice he was clear minded, at work, and sounds normal. He also contacted me the last few days regarding insurance enrollment and forms that I needed to fax. He was being helpful. It's all guilt and feeling better that he's "helping" me. I get it.
The reality is if he wanting to work on the marriage, he has no idea what I am looking for...it will be work while we are separated. I don't think he has it in him. I am prepared for the divorce.
I am not saying anything else. I don't contact him. I am friendly and short. I am not accepting anymore of these..."I am sorry this happened. I am not sure. I am etc." He is either in or out.
I have been focusing on my faith and prayer. By the end of the month, if he doesn't take some sort of action. I will ask him to get the ball rolling and turn in the divorce waiver.
He's not the only one that holds the cards.
I know many might think I'm crazy for giving him ANY chance. Perhaps, I am doing it for me and leaving with no regrets.
It's been since December 11, 2015 that he initially filed for a divorce. I checked the court house website, last week, and it seems that he never turned in the divorce waiver (that he was initially impatient for me to sign/notarize).
This was after I received a text almost 2 weeks ago to see if there was a courtdate etc. The divorce waiver wasn't turned in, which made sense when he texted me almost 2 weeks ago, stating "I didn't marry you to divorce you. To much has happened. I am continuing with the filing."
He then called and texted several times a few nights ago (Friday). I answered the last call. He said he was struggling with wanting to divorce and not wanting one. He isn't sure that we can work things out? I don't say much other than "no person can predict the outcome. However, I do know in this situation it takes each person investing 100% in working on the marriage for it to work. If one person, decides to not do it..then why bother?"
I did notice he was clear minded, at work, and sounds normal. He also contacted me the last few days regarding insurance enrollment and forms that I needed to fax. He was being helpful. It's all guilt and feeling better that he's "helping" me. I get it.
The reality is if he wanting to work on the marriage, he has no idea what I am looking for...it will be work while we are separated. I don't think he has it in him. I am prepared for the divorce.
I am not saying anything else. I don't contact him. I am friendly and short. I am not accepting anymore of these..."I am sorry this happened. I am not sure. I am etc." He is either in or out.
I have been focusing on my faith and prayer. By the end of the month, if he doesn't take some sort of action. I will ask him to get the ball rolling and turn in the divorce waiver.
He's not the only one that holds the cards.
I know many might think I'm crazy for giving him ANY chance. Perhaps, I am doing it for me and leaving with no regrets.
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