I left him, please help me stay strong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
I left him, please help me stay strong
I've written sporadically over the years and posted something about two months ago regarding leaving my boyfriend of ten years. I'm horrified to find out tonight that I've been a part of this board since 2008. I can't believe what I've experienced over the years and how long I've stuck around waiting for things to change.
Anyway, just posting to say that I left him. We've been separated for about two months now, he's been living outside of the home for several weeks. He, of course, thinks I'm the most evil person in the world for making this decision. He sees none of his own faults, or at least won't acknowledge them when he talks to me. I told him that he needs to get clean and be clean (and RECOVERED) for a while in a treatment program before I would ever consider having him in my life again. Instead of putting his energy toward doing that and saving his family, he seems to be devoted to vilifying me instead.
I finally gave up all hope that he would help himself. I realized long ago that any attempts to help him would be fruitless and damaging to him, because he's the one that needs to manage his efforts at recovery. I recounted today to a friend how many ways and times that I did the work for him and provided him with tools to recover. I think we all do that, and it's part of the process, so I can't blame myself for trying. But, I'm glad that I'm not there anymore mentally because it's exhausting and ultimately so unrewarding.
I'm not going to lie and say that I feel perfectly fine and good with my decision, because I don't. It hurts a lot to go through this. The loss of someone that, at one time, was my best friend and still is my daughter's father. Mostly, I hurt for my daughter because I hate that this is her reality and I hate that I chose so poorly for her when I chose him as my partner and her dad. But, I'm certain that it's the "right" decision for both of us, even if I have moments of weakness when I doubt my decision.
I'm sticking to my guns this time and I'm proud of me for that, but if anyone has any words of encouragement to see me through my "doubting days" then I'd love to hear them. Feel free to tell me what life is like for the daughter of an addict, because I need to hear that and know that when I'm feeling weak.
Anyway, just posting to say that I left him. We've been separated for about two months now, he's been living outside of the home for several weeks. He, of course, thinks I'm the most evil person in the world for making this decision. He sees none of his own faults, or at least won't acknowledge them when he talks to me. I told him that he needs to get clean and be clean (and RECOVERED) for a while in a treatment program before I would ever consider having him in my life again. Instead of putting his energy toward doing that and saving his family, he seems to be devoted to vilifying me instead.
I finally gave up all hope that he would help himself. I realized long ago that any attempts to help him would be fruitless and damaging to him, because he's the one that needs to manage his efforts at recovery. I recounted today to a friend how many ways and times that I did the work for him and provided him with tools to recover. I think we all do that, and it's part of the process, so I can't blame myself for trying. But, I'm glad that I'm not there anymore mentally because it's exhausting and ultimately so unrewarding.
I'm not going to lie and say that I feel perfectly fine and good with my decision, because I don't. It hurts a lot to go through this. The loss of someone that, at one time, was my best friend and still is my daughter's father. Mostly, I hurt for my daughter because I hate that this is her reality and I hate that I chose so poorly for her when I chose him as my partner and her dad. But, I'm certain that it's the "right" decision for both of us, even if I have moments of weakness when I doubt my decision.
I'm sticking to my guns this time and I'm proud of me for that, but if anyone has any words of encouragement to see me through my "doubting days" then I'd love to hear them. Feel free to tell me what life is like for the daughter of an addict, because I need to hear that and know that when I'm feeling weak.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Well I don't know if this will help but my 20 month old son's addicted father who is in rehab at the moment ( for the 3rd time since we've been together and 2nd time since our son was born) has been wanting to come home for a holiday and I am very unhappy about it.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is I didn't realise how lovely and peaceful life with just the two of us has been till he threatened to disrupt it again.
Living with an addict is horrible, even when he's not using he's so needy and unhappy all the time. Because he won't work any kind of programme.
You will get better and stronger on your own. And next time someone tries to threaten that you will guard it fiercely.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is I didn't realise how lovely and peaceful life with just the two of us has been till he threatened to disrupt it again.
Living with an addict is horrible, even when he's not using he's so needy and unhappy all the time. Because he won't work any kind of programme.
You will get better and stronger on your own. And next time someone tries to threaten that you will guard it fiercely.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Learningto deal.....I suggest t hat you make a list of the most destructive things that happened in the relationship. The things that were the most damaging to you, especially.
Carry it with you...at all times. Read it every time you mind drifts back to h I'm and you start to doubt yourself. You may have to read it a dozen times a day,
sometimes!
I also suggest to to to the section for adult children of alcoholics....if you want to get a good handle on how addiction affects a child.....there are some powerful messages, there.
Remember that if you want different...you have to do different.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Consider this short-term pain for long-term gain......
dandylion
Carry it with you...at all times. Read it every time you mind drifts back to h I'm and you start to doubt yourself. You may have to read it a dozen times a day,
sometimes!
I also suggest to to to the section for adult children of alcoholics....if you want to get a good handle on how addiction affects a child.....there are some powerful messages, there.
Remember that if you want different...you have to do different.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Consider this short-term pain for long-term gain......
dandylion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My father died of cancer when I was 6 years old and although addiction had nothing to do with it, looking around as a child I realized that I was more blessed to be in a loving home with one parent than in a home of conflict with two.
I think it's important to talk to your daughter, at her level of understanding, and encourage her to share her feelings as time goes by.
You will be okay, the pain will lesson over time and your life will one day be wonderful again. Your child will learn from you and grow too.
Keeping you both in my prayers as you go through this painful difficult time.
Hugs
I think it's important to talk to your daughter, at her level of understanding, and encourage her to share her feelings as time goes by.
You will be okay, the pain will lesson over time and your life will one day be wonderful again. Your child will learn from you and grow too.
Keeping you both in my prayers as you go through this painful difficult time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
For me, when I first left my then alcoholic abusive husband of 20 years, I had to learn to let myself feel everything I felt, and my heart went through cycles of grief, loss, regret, guilt, fear, anger, rage, and more, with each cycle adding more peace and more joy and less anguish.
What made the difference was that, while I let my heart feel whatever it felt, I made decisions with my head. On the facts. Without being clouded by my swirling emotions. I did not go back, even when he promised and pleaded. I did not go back when he threatened me with financial disaster in the divorce.
The facts were that he had breached trust so badly and so deeply that I could never trust him again and bear to open my heart and soul in emotional intimacy. For me, what is a marriage without that unwavering cherishing bond to love and protect each other?
Dandylion's list of the destructive things he did, and I might add the consequences to you of what he did, IS the truth.
There is health and happiness ahead for you. Leave him to his own issues, and put yourself in the center of your life. If he comes back in a year with full recovery and ownership and humility about what he did, that's one story, and it's his to tell.
You get the time to focus on yourself and healing.
ShootingStar1
What made the difference was that, while I let my heart feel whatever it felt, I made decisions with my head. On the facts. Without being clouded by my swirling emotions. I did not go back, even when he promised and pleaded. I did not go back when he threatened me with financial disaster in the divorce.
The facts were that he had breached trust so badly and so deeply that I could never trust him again and bear to open my heart and soul in emotional intimacy. For me, what is a marriage without that unwavering cherishing bond to love and protect each other?
Dandylion's list of the destructive things he did, and I might add the consequences to you of what he did, IS the truth.
There is health and happiness ahead for you. Leave him to his own issues, and put yourself in the center of your life. If he comes back in a year with full recovery and ownership and humility about what he did, that's one story, and it's his to tell.
You get the time to focus on yourself and healing.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Clinton, MS
Posts: 11
Learningtodeal,
You should be very proud of yourself for having the courage (it feels scary) and strength (you feel exhausted) to leave. I admire that very much. I know it takes a lot in you to make that decision and I can imagine how hard it can be to walk in it especially when you love or loved someone very much. I have made the decision to leave my addicted husband but yet I haven't walked it out. However, I am holding my ground with boundaries like I have never done before. You are a lot stronger than you probably think you are. Just think of that heartache and pain as part of your recovery process. You have to get all that "junk out." I believe in Jesus and it helps me to listen to encouraging music reminding me I am not alone and He is always with me every step of the way. It can only go up from here. You have done the right thing.
You should be very proud of yourself for having the courage (it feels scary) and strength (you feel exhausted) to leave. I admire that very much. I know it takes a lot in you to make that decision and I can imagine how hard it can be to walk in it especially when you love or loved someone very much. I have made the decision to leave my addicted husband but yet I haven't walked it out. However, I am holding my ground with boundaries like I have never done before. You are a lot stronger than you probably think you are. Just think of that heartache and pain as part of your recovery process. You have to get all that "junk out." I believe in Jesus and it helps me to listen to encouraging music reminding me I am not alone and He is always with me every step of the way. It can only go up from here. You have done the right thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
I think living with addiction gets us all so amped up it's hard to think sometimes, you just go from shock to hurt to anger to weary...
I hope that standing your ground, you get a taste of real peace. I miss my boyfriend, but then I remind myself that being with him isn't really BEING with him...he's too lost in sickness to really BE THERE...I am missing out on nothing. I keep in my heart a vision of him healthy and well. The sickness? No thanks.
By the way, my father was a serious alcoholic. He went into recovery when I was 15, for which I shall be forever grateful, but I am not going to lie--growing up in that household scarred me. I think I almost had PTSD from the constant stress. It's an awful way for a child to grow up, it makes you feel so dark and alone while all around the other children are just playing and being children. You will be giving your child a huge gift by giving her the gift of peace.
Maybe she'll be less likely to take up with someone sick, also, you know? We have to look down the road...
Love, hugs and support to you, my friend. You have really been through it.
I hope that standing your ground, you get a taste of real peace. I miss my boyfriend, but then I remind myself that being with him isn't really BEING with him...he's too lost in sickness to really BE THERE...I am missing out on nothing. I keep in my heart a vision of him healthy and well. The sickness? No thanks.
By the way, my father was a serious alcoholic. He went into recovery when I was 15, for which I shall be forever grateful, but I am not going to lie--growing up in that household scarred me. I think I almost had PTSD from the constant stress. It's an awful way for a child to grow up, it makes you feel so dark and alone while all around the other children are just playing and being children. You will be giving your child a huge gift by giving her the gift of peace.
Maybe she'll be less likely to take up with someone sick, also, you know? We have to look down the road...
Love, hugs and support to you, my friend. You have really been through it.
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