Update 2: A few months later....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Update 2: A few months later....
Hello again,
I find myself here again after a brief time away. I have taken huge leaps and bounds since I was last on here. I decided after months of counseling, negotiating and back and forth to leave my AH for good. He has now been sober for almost 10 months. This is his longest stint and he is doing well in his recovery. I for whatever reason could never find it in myself to forgive him. I still struggle every day with the fact of feeling guilty for leaving him while he was working on himself. Going back a few months we were fighting terribly. We could not stand to sit near each other though he still wanted me, I did not want him. I couldn't stand the sight of him but I could see pain in his heart. In counseling we had to take a break for 2 weeks because we were fighting so badly. I couldn't breath, sleep, eat and it was killing me that this man I loved so much had hurt me so much. After a couple months I decided I couldn't do it any more. I applied for a job in the state we formerly lived in and waited with baited breath. I informed him that things were so bad between us that I was considering leaving the state and starting a new life for myself. He told me that if I took the job things would be over between us. Meanwhile it was my birthday and I was hoping for him to show me a grand gesture of how sorry he was for putting us through this and to fight for me, something that could get me to stay. Unfortunately that never happened. He had the day off of work and instead of planning something he dropped off a card and flowers while I was out lounging by the pool to my parents house and left. I asked him to come over once I got home and found out he had the day off and he said he was too depressed to see me, on my birthday. That was it. I couldn't take anymore. A couple days later I was offered the job and took it. I called him first to let him know and of course it turned into a fight. How could you do this, why, you said you loved me, etc. were all of the things he told me. I told him that he did not seem to want to fight for me and our marriage despite him getting clean and going to counseling. It just seemed he was going through the motions as opposed to really wanting to work it out. I left the state. He still had hope until about August when he had to have emergency surgery and I couldn't bear to see him yet because I was struggling and knew if I saw him, I'd go right back. That's when the divorce papers came. We are now going through the divorce process and it is very hard. Every day I miss him, every single day I want to run back to him as I have always done. But I hold on to some little hope that maybe I can push through this wiser and for the better, alone and with some semblance of myself. I live with a roommate now, I struggle to pay my own bills, but at least I have me back. I smile more at things now when the sadness of losing my husband isn't on my mind. I still feel guilt and regret of why I couldn't make it work and sometimes I feel I left a good man in the dust. Some days I pick up the phone to call him to tell him I love and miss him. Some days I text him to update progress of divorce details just to hear his response. I miss him desperately. He has moved on, is now dating a girl from his work and is traveling and getting out and being the person he used to be. It hurts me to the core. To know that it should be me he is doing those things with and not her. Why do I want him back now when I pushed him so far away? I cannot go back now from whence I came but the pain still lingers and the longing for him has not ceased. I'm still praying to come out on the other side. My soon to be ex told me to move on and thinks he is doing so much better than me because he found someone who wants him and right now I'm alone. I didn't know this was a competition to see who could get remarried first. We're not even divorced yet! She's 10 years younger than him. I told him it hurt me but I hope he is happy. Anyhow, just sitting here and hoping in the next few months I have happier news to report and that me, myself and I are flourishing. I'm getting stronger every day but the fight continues. Please lord don't let me get weak now and stop my progress by going back.
I find myself here again after a brief time away. I have taken huge leaps and bounds since I was last on here. I decided after months of counseling, negotiating and back and forth to leave my AH for good. He has now been sober for almost 10 months. This is his longest stint and he is doing well in his recovery. I for whatever reason could never find it in myself to forgive him. I still struggle every day with the fact of feeling guilty for leaving him while he was working on himself. Going back a few months we were fighting terribly. We could not stand to sit near each other though he still wanted me, I did not want him. I couldn't stand the sight of him but I could see pain in his heart. In counseling we had to take a break for 2 weeks because we were fighting so badly. I couldn't breath, sleep, eat and it was killing me that this man I loved so much had hurt me so much. After a couple months I decided I couldn't do it any more. I applied for a job in the state we formerly lived in and waited with baited breath. I informed him that things were so bad between us that I was considering leaving the state and starting a new life for myself. He told me that if I took the job things would be over between us. Meanwhile it was my birthday and I was hoping for him to show me a grand gesture of how sorry he was for putting us through this and to fight for me, something that could get me to stay. Unfortunately that never happened. He had the day off of work and instead of planning something he dropped off a card and flowers while I was out lounging by the pool to my parents house and left. I asked him to come over once I got home and found out he had the day off and he said he was too depressed to see me, on my birthday. That was it. I couldn't take anymore. A couple days later I was offered the job and took it. I called him first to let him know and of course it turned into a fight. How could you do this, why, you said you loved me, etc. were all of the things he told me. I told him that he did not seem to want to fight for me and our marriage despite him getting clean and going to counseling. It just seemed he was going through the motions as opposed to really wanting to work it out. I left the state. He still had hope until about August when he had to have emergency surgery and I couldn't bear to see him yet because I was struggling and knew if I saw him, I'd go right back. That's when the divorce papers came. We are now going through the divorce process and it is very hard. Every day I miss him, every single day I want to run back to him as I have always done. But I hold on to some little hope that maybe I can push through this wiser and for the better, alone and with some semblance of myself. I live with a roommate now, I struggle to pay my own bills, but at least I have me back. I smile more at things now when the sadness of losing my husband isn't on my mind. I still feel guilt and regret of why I couldn't make it work and sometimes I feel I left a good man in the dust. Some days I pick up the phone to call him to tell him I love and miss him. Some days I text him to update progress of divorce details just to hear his response. I miss him desperately. He has moved on, is now dating a girl from his work and is traveling and getting out and being the person he used to be. It hurts me to the core. To know that it should be me he is doing those things with and not her. Why do I want him back now when I pushed him so far away? I cannot go back now from whence I came but the pain still lingers and the longing for him has not ceased. I'm still praying to come out on the other side. My soon to be ex told me to move on and thinks he is doing so much better than me because he found someone who wants him and right now I'm alone. I didn't know this was a competition to see who could get remarried first. We're not even divorced yet! She's 10 years younger than him. I told him it hurt me but I hope he is happy. Anyhow, just sitting here and hoping in the next few months I have happier news to report and that me, myself and I are flourishing. I'm getting stronger every day but the fight continues. Please lord don't let me get weak now and stop my progress by going back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Struggling,
I'm glad you came back and posted. SR is a good place to vent and reflect. Sometimes when I have a tough day, I read back to my first threads. Since you haven't written much, I re-read your first thread.
Your STBXH (soon to be x husband) sort of sounds like a narcissist. Have you looked into this possibility at all? He has this surface image, and eventually you were privy to his inside world. Don't forget that interior dark view just because it is now (mostly) hidden from you.
Many addicts seem to pop up with another enabler faster than a shooting gallery reset button. I honestly don't know how they do it.
Are you going to counseling to work through the grief and detritus of this relationship? Have you worked on codependency at all? At the very least, I recommend you read Codependent No More. My future concern for you is many people here manage to free themselves from one addict (which you have really done with brave moves like moving and switching jobs), but then fall again for another addict! Many of us refer to it as 'our picker being broken.' A counselor might help you work on that aspect of your recovery as well if you bring it up.
Take care of you! That is all you need focus on with peace and hope going forward.
I'm glad you came back and posted. SR is a good place to vent and reflect. Sometimes when I have a tough day, I read back to my first threads. Since you haven't written much, I re-read your first thread.
Your STBXH (soon to be x husband) sort of sounds like a narcissist. Have you looked into this possibility at all? He has this surface image, and eventually you were privy to his inside world. Don't forget that interior dark view just because it is now (mostly) hidden from you.
Many addicts seem to pop up with another enabler faster than a shooting gallery reset button. I honestly don't know how they do it.
Are you going to counseling to work through the grief and detritus of this relationship? Have you worked on codependency at all? At the very least, I recommend you read Codependent No More. My future concern for you is many people here manage to free themselves from one addict (which you have really done with brave moves like moving and switching jobs), but then fall again for another addict! Many of us refer to it as 'our picker being broken.' A counselor might help you work on that aspect of your recovery as well if you bring it up.
Take care of you! That is all you need focus on with peace and hope going forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I know how you feel, mine moved on first and I still haven't - because I do not want to make the same mistake over again. I think CodeJob is very right - they find another enabler quickly. I made a list of all of the insane things that my ex put me through because I really stopped thinking about all of those horrid times. They say you have to go through the pain instead of around it, and would you really want to be with him again after he's been with other women? These are the things I've thought about. Maybe a list would be helpful to remember exactly all of the pain that you went through with him as a refresher to combat any magical thinking? And I also really hope that you aren't thinking that because he's with someone else and seems to be doing well, that it in any way was your fault that he's an addict. That thinking needs to be thrown right out the window.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Struggling
I don't have any wisdom to give you, advice or inspiration...just that I understand. I am now where you were before...husband who is now clean and feeling guilt for wanting to leave him. Feeling like a horrible wife because I don't want to stay by his side, feeling like I'm giving up on him when he needs me support the most. What will his family think? What will his friends think? I only wish I had the courage like you, to call it quits. I'm getting closer. Just remember the decision YOU made was the right decision for YOU. This is going to sound hokey but if you and your ex are meant to be....then somehow you will be...just trust your gut, trust your faith and work on you, so you may have a beautiful life. Hugs
I don't have any wisdom to give you, advice or inspiration...just that I understand. I am now where you were before...husband who is now clean and feeling guilt for wanting to leave him. Feeling like a horrible wife because I don't want to stay by his side, feeling like I'm giving up on him when he needs me support the most. What will his family think? What will his friends think? I only wish I had the courage like you, to call it quits. I'm getting closer. Just remember the decision YOU made was the right decision for YOU. This is going to sound hokey but if you and your ex are meant to be....then somehow you will be...just trust your gut, trust your faith and work on you, so you may have a beautiful life. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
OW is 10 years younger, huh?
(at least the 10 years she is going to lose to addiction won't
come out of your lifespan. Poor woman. They DO find new
enablers quickly, don't they!)
I'm sure the OW thinks he is "THE ONE".
She's right. He IS the one------the one who will confiscate a
decade of her irreplaceable life and squander it to addiction.
......and this story never changes, does it?
(at least the 10 years she is going to lose to addiction won't
come out of your lifespan. Poor woman. They DO find new
enablers quickly, don't they!)
I'm sure the OW thinks he is "THE ONE".
She's right. He IS the one------the one who will confiscate a
decade of her irreplaceable life and squander it to addiction.
......and this story never changes, does it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Thank you!
Thank all of you for the kind words and support. I thought when my best friend passed away when I was 14 that would be the worst pain of losing someone it could get. Then my sister passed when I was 22 years old. Now I am 34 and going through a divorce. Losing someone you love is never easy. Though I know this was my choice to walk away, to stop feeling like I was all alone and holding the world on my shoulders, I am still completely devastated. This has rocked my world. I never thought I would be getting a divorce let alone that my husband whom I love so deeply could betray me so much. I did tell him to move on but to be honest a small part of me still had some hope that he would fight for me. And yes I do blame myself that maybe I drove him to do drugs but I'm trying to get that out of my head. I used to say to myself that I had minimal baggage and was a well adjusted individual but my soon to be ex husband has put me through the ringer. Please if you are in my situation know you are not alone. It can get better and I do see sunshine now that I am alone instead of the darkness I felt with him before. Just because he is dating does not make him more desirable or better than me. I know he is lonely and reaching for anyone who will help him stay afloat. I'd hoped he would learn from his mistakes but looks like he's still got a lot to learn. For me, I'm content with being alone for awhile. I accept that I will need time to heal and mend my heart. I pray for all of you and the addicts that we all love. I wish I could have a success story to say I stayed and we got stronger and survived. But instead now I can say I got stronger, I survived and it did get better. Good luck to all of you. I'll be around....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
It breaks my heart there is a possibility you feel you drove him to drugs. He picked up, he couldn't cope...he had a choice not to pick up but he chose the easy way. Maybe that's harsh for me to say, but don't ever think you are to blame for his drug use. He made his own choice.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
SW,
He never used because you drove him to it. He used because he is an addict. It is what addicts do, but if they can make you believe the defect is in you then they have justified use in their mind.
You did what you felt was best for you in the situation and you took the job and moved. What a strong thing to do. That took courage. Deep down you know it was the best and the right thing to do. After all you did give him ample time and chances to show you effort towards the relationship as well as marriage and he was severely lacking.
It is easier for the addict to pick up and move forward. They were never really participating with clarity in the first place. The mind is glazed with dope. It is the one who is sober that is investing dearly, trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together to make the marriage whole.
He gets to lift the rug and sweep all the crap under it and go merrily on his way with this new unsuspecting woman. I bet she has no idea of what she's gotten herself into. Time will reveal the cold hearted truth to her if he relapses.
As for you. As painful and as hard as it is you are in a good place. You are in a real place not glazed over with distractions from pain and reality. You will be able to heal in truth. So much more rewarding then the enchanted fantasy he has embarked on. Trust me. I've seen this scenario played out even in my own life.
I know what it feels like to sit home and think, "after all the years I spent trying to make things work." He just replaces me and moves on, just that easy."
I remember how bad it hurts. I remember feeling like the defective one. I remember how gut wrenchingly painful it felt to so easily be replaced. I recall how happy my husband seemed with his fresh, new toy. I remember how I sat in my new apartment, looked around and felt utterly broken. I questioned, did I get what I deserved. I resisted the urge to call him up and beg his forgiveness. I sat there and wallowed in my own self pity. I allowed myself to feel every emotion that surfaced, cry every tear that needed to be cried, throw things, yell, scream and have tantrum. I got mad at God, cried some more and THEN I remembered why I had left and I mentally thumbed through the pages of my mind recalling every reason that had brought me to make the decision to leave in the first place. I remembered how hard I had tried to make the marriage work, how I had begged and pleaded with him to please just do the right things that will make this marriage flourish and last, but he was an addict and his choice was drugs and.with that choice comes destruction. I realized I was sitting in the destruction of what once was and this is my chance to rebuild my life with renewed hope and.strength. i could put the puzzle together and all the.pieces would fit even without him in the picture. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off, regained my composure and walked out into the big wide world knowing that it was mine.
You are grieving what could have been and that is a normal process. Its always darkest before the dawn. Just know the best is yet to come. Its all right there in front of you just take it one day at a time.
Head up, face your day with a smile. Remember it's your time to shine.
Hugs,
Passion
He never used because you drove him to it. He used because he is an addict. It is what addicts do, but if they can make you believe the defect is in you then they have justified use in their mind.
You did what you felt was best for you in the situation and you took the job and moved. What a strong thing to do. That took courage. Deep down you know it was the best and the right thing to do. After all you did give him ample time and chances to show you effort towards the relationship as well as marriage and he was severely lacking.
It is easier for the addict to pick up and move forward. They were never really participating with clarity in the first place. The mind is glazed with dope. It is the one who is sober that is investing dearly, trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together to make the marriage whole.
He gets to lift the rug and sweep all the crap under it and go merrily on his way with this new unsuspecting woman. I bet she has no idea of what she's gotten herself into. Time will reveal the cold hearted truth to her if he relapses.
As for you. As painful and as hard as it is you are in a good place. You are in a real place not glazed over with distractions from pain and reality. You will be able to heal in truth. So much more rewarding then the enchanted fantasy he has embarked on. Trust me. I've seen this scenario played out even in my own life.
I know what it feels like to sit home and think, "after all the years I spent trying to make things work." He just replaces me and moves on, just that easy."
I remember how bad it hurts. I remember feeling like the defective one. I remember how gut wrenchingly painful it felt to so easily be replaced. I recall how happy my husband seemed with his fresh, new toy. I remember how I sat in my new apartment, looked around and felt utterly broken. I questioned, did I get what I deserved. I resisted the urge to call him up and beg his forgiveness. I sat there and wallowed in my own self pity. I allowed myself to feel every emotion that surfaced, cry every tear that needed to be cried, throw things, yell, scream and have tantrum. I got mad at God, cried some more and THEN I remembered why I had left and I mentally thumbed through the pages of my mind recalling every reason that had brought me to make the decision to leave in the first place. I remembered how hard I had tried to make the marriage work, how I had begged and pleaded with him to please just do the right things that will make this marriage flourish and last, but he was an addict and his choice was drugs and.with that choice comes destruction. I realized I was sitting in the destruction of what once was and this is my chance to rebuild my life with renewed hope and.strength. i could put the puzzle together and all the.pieces would fit even without him in the picture. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off, regained my composure and walked out into the big wide world knowing that it was mine.
You are grieving what could have been and that is a normal process. Its always darkest before the dawn. Just know the best is yet to come. Its all right there in front of you just take it one day at a time.
Head up, face your day with a smile. Remember it's your time to shine.
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Sweet pea,
His addiction isn't on you. You're part is getting through why you hung with him perhaps longer than you should have.
One way to get over that mislaid guilt is to read up and know the disease of addiction. It also will help you identify and avoid this rocky road in the future.
Inside The Alcoholic Brain | The psychology and neuropsychology of alcoholism, addictive behaviour and recovery.
His addiction isn't on you. You're part is getting through why you hung with him perhaps longer than you should have.
One way to get over that mislaid guilt is to read up and know the disease of addiction. It also will help you identify and avoid this rocky road in the future.
Inside The Alcoholic Brain | The psychology and neuropsychology of alcoholism, addictive behaviour and recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
One thing you said that I just have to remark on......
That he is "dating". He's not ' dating' any more than you 'date'
a great white shark in the middle of the ocean after your means
of conveyance (boat/plane) left you there stranded.
You may hate the OW now. But show some pity in your
heart for her pain yet to come. She's picking out china patterns
and drapes whilst this unthinking, unloving, uncaring spectre
of addiction accelerates toward her unseen, unsensed, and (mercifully) unsuspected.
We tell our kids that monsters don't exist. But anyone
crossing paths with this horrible disorder-----knows that
this just isn't true.
And another thing. It isn't YOUR fault the fish is hungry.
Every last goddamned fish on the planet is hungry, and so
is every human in the grip of this disease.The only choice
availed to US.......is whether to be lunch or not.
That he is "dating". He's not ' dating' any more than you 'date'
a great white shark in the middle of the ocean after your means
of conveyance (boat/plane) left you there stranded.
You may hate the OW now. But show some pity in your
heart for her pain yet to come. She's picking out china patterns
and drapes whilst this unthinking, unloving, uncaring spectre
of addiction accelerates toward her unseen, unsensed, and (mercifully) unsuspected.
We tell our kids that monsters don't exist. But anyone
crossing paths with this horrible disorder-----knows that
this just isn't true.
And another thing. It isn't YOUR fault the fish is hungry.
Every last goddamned fish on the planet is hungry, and so
is every human in the grip of this disease.The only choice
availed to US.......is whether to be lunch or not.
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