Detaching while partner is in rehab?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Detaching while partner is in rehab?
Hi everyone,
This is my first posting here, although admittedly I've read through the forums before. I find myself feeling like I should share, and that I need to share. I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. When we first met he presented as being in recovery, and I felt equipped to handle that. However as things progressed, it became clear that he was not in recovery at all. Unfortunately, this really only became clear once we had moved in together. He struggled for a few months, but eventually went to a local IOP program. Looking back, he was halfhearted at best with it and soon went back to using. It got bad enough that he decided to attempt rehab, and he left the area to get help. He was there for about 6 months, and was successful. But when he tried to transport that back home, it was a pretty spectacular failure.
Which brings me to today. He recently had a really destructive bender (he primarily a crack user, but also Meth, and alcohol). We had agreed before that if he came back he couldn't use, and if he did he would have to leave. I enforced that , and he's currently back in rehab out of town. I'm hoping that he is there out of an honest wish to get better. Today, I'm feeling quite violated and frustrated and angry. I'm torn about how to proceed with our relationship. In the times when he was clear headed and doing well, we fit better than anyone I've ever met. But the trouble is of course that those are so few and short lived.
I've got a good support system in the form of family, friends, and counselor. I do care about him as a person, and I hope he gets stable. I would like to be a part of his life in some capacity, but I don't want to stand in his way either. Does anyone have a similar experience? How did you handle it? Would you have any thoughts you can share?
With much appreciation.
This is my first posting here, although admittedly I've read through the forums before. I find myself feeling like I should share, and that I need to share. I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. When we first met he presented as being in recovery, and I felt equipped to handle that. However as things progressed, it became clear that he was not in recovery at all. Unfortunately, this really only became clear once we had moved in together. He struggled for a few months, but eventually went to a local IOP program. Looking back, he was halfhearted at best with it and soon went back to using. It got bad enough that he decided to attempt rehab, and he left the area to get help. He was there for about 6 months, and was successful. But when he tried to transport that back home, it was a pretty spectacular failure.
Which brings me to today. He recently had a really destructive bender (he primarily a crack user, but also Meth, and alcohol). We had agreed before that if he came back he couldn't use, and if he did he would have to leave. I enforced that , and he's currently back in rehab out of town. I'm hoping that he is there out of an honest wish to get better. Today, I'm feeling quite violated and frustrated and angry. I'm torn about how to proceed with our relationship. In the times when he was clear headed and doing well, we fit better than anyone I've ever met. But the trouble is of course that those are so few and short lived.
I've got a good support system in the form of family, friends, and counselor. I do care about him as a person, and I hope he gets stable. I would like to be a part of his life in some capacity, but I don't want to stand in his way either. Does anyone have a similar experience? How did you handle it? Would you have any thoughts you can share?
With much appreciation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Welcome JD, glad you took the leap from reader to poster! No one comes to SR on their best day, but hopefully SR can be part of the building blocks to BETTER.
you have watched your BF struggle now during the course of your relationship.....and as often happens, short term successes are then followed by epic failures. i was a crack addict and can attest that is one monster that just not just LET GO. the drug has such a pull.....it's often called The Grip.
while i am happily 8 year + off that crap, i can't say it was a picnic getting off it. but it can be done. IF the addict is truly willing and sees the drug for what it is.....a big fat lie that will destroy you if you don't get away.
only time will tell with your BF this go round.....he has some tools of recovery already, he has experienced life drug free, but where that will be enough to sustain a life of never using again NO MATTER WHAT remains to be seen.
Time takes time, they say. how much of YOUR time you wish to devote to his ongoing struggles will be something that will be come clear to you as the days and weeks go by.
you have watched your BF struggle now during the course of your relationship.....and as often happens, short term successes are then followed by epic failures. i was a crack addict and can attest that is one monster that just not just LET GO. the drug has such a pull.....it's often called The Grip.
while i am happily 8 year + off that crap, i can't say it was a picnic getting off it. but it can be done. IF the addict is truly willing and sees the drug for what it is.....a big fat lie that will destroy you if you don't get away.
only time will tell with your BF this go round.....he has some tools of recovery already, he has experienced life drug free, but where that will be enough to sustain a life of never using again NO MATTER WHAT remains to be seen.
Time takes time, they say. how much of YOUR time you wish to devote to his ongoing struggles will be something that will be come clear to you as the days and weeks go by.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: New York State
Posts: 13
Our stories are similar, my boyfriend was arrested 15 days ago and is in the process of finishing his sentence in a rehab facility for his heroin addiction. It is very hard deciding to stay or go, wondering if this time he will actually stay clean and if we could ever actually be happy and at peace again.
I love him and care for him so much and I have been very encouraging and supportive through out everything even though he has done some messed up stuff while using, mainly lying and stealing. He says he wants to be clean and he wants to make everything right again. I had decided that as long as he is clean and is showing effort towards recovery I will stand by him, the second he starts slacking or starts using I am gone.
That is something you need to think about long and hard and if you do stay there need to be set boundaries and you must stick with them. I have dealt with his previous relapse and it was absolute hell, he knows I wont and cant go through it again.
I love him and care for him so much and I have been very encouraging and supportive through out everything even though he has done some messed up stuff while using, mainly lying and stealing. He says he wants to be clean and he wants to make everything right again. I had decided that as long as he is clean and is showing effort towards recovery I will stand by him, the second he starts slacking or starts using I am gone.
That is something you need to think about long and hard and if you do stay there need to be set boundaries and you must stick with them. I have dealt with his previous relapse and it was absolute hell, he knows I wont and cant go through it again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello there! You are doing a lot right. You laid down a boundary and actually executed it! I think feeling how you do is normal at this moment. And as for the relationship status, you can put the whole thing into neutral. You don't have to have an answer about it today, tomorrow, or even in 6 weeks.
Peace! If you protect enough of a barrier for peace, you'll get to your answers.
Welcome to SR!
Peace! If you protect enough of a barrier for peace, you'll get to your answers.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: BUFFALO, NEW YORK
Posts: 10
You are awesome in handling the situation so far, and I think you're doing what's best for him. If you feel like you are detaching emotionally, well... that happens when you've grown tired of giving chances. Only you can tell if your relationship is still worth saving.
By the way, did he go back to the same rehab? Maybe their methods don't suit him. My brother went to 4 different treatment facilities before he finally landed on a place that worked for him. He's not religious and he felt alienated by their approaches.
Wish you all the best. If you need to talk...count me in.
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