Do any of you let your addicts read your posts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Do any of you let your addicts read your posts
My ABF knows that I seek information from this forum and knows it helps me. He wants to read my posts and the thoughts of the board. Opinions? Because I feel its a safe space, I thought I would see what others think?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
This is YOUR place where you can share your private thoughts and concerns. Knowing that he is reading what you write may hinder how open and honest you feel you can be. And, as I've seen many times it will be met with a response such as those people are crazy, bitter, stupid, etc., they don't know us, they're going to tell you to leave me.
It would be like going to an AA meeting or private counseling with him, he's not going to be fully open and honest with you sitting there.
It would be like going to an AA meeting or private counseling with him, he's not going to be fully open and honest with you sitting there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
I agree with cynical...sounds like he wants to know your thoughts which is ok however be careful because it may be a way for him to manipulate your own thoughts and feelings. He may also minimize his actions and sway you. This forum is a way for you to sort out your thoughts and feelings plus get support from others who have been through and experienced addiction full circle. I would keep this private because you need your own outlet. He has his own outlet right? Meetings? Are you going to HIS meetings?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This guy is really manipulative. I can see him using your decision against you either way. If you let him read the posts he can use them like mamaof3boyz and cynicalone mentioned, as a way to isolate you from your support system and gaslight you. If you don't let him read your posts then you are keeping secrets and can't be trusted, blah blah blah.
Sorry you're experiencing this.
Sorry you're experiencing this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Owl1370 
My ABF knows that I seek information from this forum and knows it helps me. He wants to read my posts and the thoughts of the board.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Owl1370
My ABF knows that I seek information from this forum and knows it helps me. He wants to read my posts and the thoughts of the board. Opinions? Because I feel its a safe space, I thought I would see what others think?
Once your ABF is in the loop as to what goes on here, and starts reading what you share with us and our responses to you, that sanctuary no longer exists. It is compromised.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Just some food for thought.
Does he need a playbook? You know keeping in mind your other thread, how good of a teacher are you?
Addicts surely are great learners. All that lying, sneaky, master manipulator stuff … Hmm, they surely learned that all from someone …
It is amazing what we can teach another. Showing our fears, concerns, what makes us upset, angry, scared, happy and not up their a** … it is amazing how all of that can be used against us. How well we teach those exactly what they can do without any repercussion. What they could do or say to have us give in or give pause and stay very glued to the game.
Your recovery, the choices you make to heal are none of his business. Neither are the tools you use. SR is a tool. Just like his recovery is really none of your business.
Does he need a playbook? You know keeping in mind your other thread, how good of a teacher are you?
Addicts surely are great learners. All that lying, sneaky, master manipulator stuff … Hmm, they surely learned that all from someone …
It is amazing what we can teach another. Showing our fears, concerns, what makes us upset, angry, scared, happy and not up their a** … it is amazing how all of that can be used against us. How well we teach those exactly what they can do without any repercussion. What they could do or say to have us give in or give pause and stay very glued to the game.
Your recovery, the choices you make to heal are none of his business. Neither are the tools you use. SR is a tool. Just like his recovery is really none of your business.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Based on the things you've shared, I'd vote "No Way". I'd be willing to bet he's more concerned about how you are representing him than any true worry about understanding your POV. If it was a true, heartfelt attempt at healing & recovery efforts it would be a different story. Why expose yourself & sacrifice your safe haven like that? Why give him ammunition to use against you?
My RAH does know that I use an online support group but none of the details - site name, my login name, etc. He can easily find the website in the computer's history because I'm not uber-private about it, and I'm sure if he was determined he could figure out what name I post under.
I would have zero problems defending the things I've shared here but I would prefer not to have to.... some things would hurt or be offensive simply because it'd be impossible for him not to take it personally. If we had any history of violence or abuse I would take more care to cover my tracks here & protect my anonymity. I do think he would benefit from listening with an open mind to OTHER F&F members talk about their situations because he could step back & see the big picture more clearly. (Exactly the same as the way that I benefit so much from the shares by addicts in varying stages of recovery in the Newcomer's & Alcoholism forums.)
FWIW - I know there have been a few couples here at SR that are both active members in F&F & RA postings. (schnappi & cookiesncream come to mind off the top of my head) but they seem to be the exception, not the rule.
My RAH does know that I use an online support group but none of the details - site name, my login name, etc. He can easily find the website in the computer's history because I'm not uber-private about it, and I'm sure if he was determined he could figure out what name I post under.
I would have zero problems defending the things I've shared here but I would prefer not to have to.... some things would hurt or be offensive simply because it'd be impossible for him not to take it personally. If we had any history of violence or abuse I would take more care to cover my tracks here & protect my anonymity. I do think he would benefit from listening with an open mind to OTHER F&F members talk about their situations because he could step back & see the big picture more clearly. (Exactly the same as the way that I benefit so much from the shares by addicts in varying stages of recovery in the Newcomer's & Alcoholism forums.)
FWIW - I know there have been a few couples here at SR that are both active members in F&F & RA postings. (schnappi & cookiesncream come to mind off the top of my head) but they seem to be the exception, not the rule.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I agree completely. There is a very real possibility that he just wants to know what you know so that he can figure out a way to sneak his addiction past you more effectively. You wouldn't let him read your diary, and this is the same type of situation.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The only way to continue anonymously, if he already knows you are here, is to change your user name and keep all identifying information (like date of birth or location) off your profile and for the love of Pete don't start your first post with your new name with "Hi, this is SuziQ, I used to be Owl...". Also change your password and avoid any settings that would send e-mails from here to your computer...like, subscribing to threads.
You can talk to an Admin, Anna, Greeteachday or Morning Glory, and they can help you with this.
Personally, this site is my safe place and although my husband (my addict is my son, my husband is a safe person in my life) knows I am here, nobody else in the world does. I tell friends that ask that I am on a personal, password protected "family support" site and leave it at that.
You can talk to an Admin, Anna, Greeteachday or Morning Glory, and they can help you with this.
Personally, this site is my safe place and although my husband (my addict is my son, my husband is a safe person in my life) knows I am here, nobody else in the world does. I tell friends that ask that I am on a personal, password protected "family support" site and leave it at that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
I'm the RA in my family. My partner knows I post on sr, and knows my screen name. She treats this place like my journal and wouldn't read my posts.
In the past when my recovery was less solid, I suggested she join and read/post so she could see she wasn't alone. But I wouldn't want to know her screen name, I'd want this to be a safe place for her where she could really get her feelings out without thinking about me.
In the past when my recovery was less solid, I suggested she join and read/post so she could see she wasn't alone. But I wouldn't want to know her screen name, I'd want this to be a safe place for her where she could really get her feelings out without thinking about me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Please don't do it. This is your place to seek support and share your inner thoughts and concerns. I would question his motives and caution you to not take him up on this. You'll most likely regret it.
A couple of months ago, my husband (8 months sober) installed a key logger on my laptop without my knowledge. It was such an invasion of my privacy. The key logger recorded every key stroke I made (e-mail account and password). He read a couple of e-mails that contained personal thoughts/struggles regarding his recovery. Basically, vents. I will spare you the details of what unfolded afterwards. I was not pleased and that's an understatement.
Bottom line, no one should read or monitor another person's thoughts or actions without their knowledge and consent. You might give him consent, but you'll soon wish you didn't. You might sanitize your posts. Or, the words you write might be used against you (subtle control and manipulation). It'll work in his favor. The focus will be off of him and put on you (and whatever words you have written).
Pass on this one. Thanks, but NO thanks.
A couple of months ago, my husband (8 months sober) installed a key logger on my laptop without my knowledge. It was such an invasion of my privacy. The key logger recorded every key stroke I made (e-mail account and password). He read a couple of e-mails that contained personal thoughts/struggles regarding his recovery. Basically, vents. I will spare you the details of what unfolded afterwards. I was not pleased and that's an understatement.
Bottom line, no one should read or monitor another person's thoughts or actions without their knowledge and consent. You might give him consent, but you'll soon wish you didn't. You might sanitize your posts. Or, the words you write might be used against you (subtle control and manipulation). It'll work in his favor. The focus will be off of him and put on you (and whatever words you have written).
Pass on this one. Thanks, but NO thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
All
I appreciate all of the thoughts. This forum is very helpful in figuring out my thoughts and feelings especially since things in life are not always black and white. Last night I went to ABF group meeting at his IOP, which also includes the family and friends of addicts. They have the family meeting every tuesday night. The counselor is really great about including the family in the discussion and the impacts of the addicts behavior on the family and visa versa. He also provides strategies (its very different from a Nar anon meeting in that way). It was very uncomfortable for all of the addicts to be open about things with family there but I felt it was very valuable. I had a long discussion ABF after about the issues discussed and what we can both do to facilitate recovery.
That type of meeting seems to be a better opportunity for addicts to understand the struggles of associated family members that reviewing posts, but I do think that any lines of communication are helpful to all.
I do appreciate others time in responding.
Owl1370 (continuing to look for wisdom).
I appreciate all of the thoughts. This forum is very helpful in figuring out my thoughts and feelings especially since things in life are not always black and white. Last night I went to ABF group meeting at his IOP, which also includes the family and friends of addicts. They have the family meeting every tuesday night. The counselor is really great about including the family in the discussion and the impacts of the addicts behavior on the family and visa versa. He also provides strategies (its very different from a Nar anon meeting in that way). It was very uncomfortable for all of the addicts to be open about things with family there but I felt it was very valuable. I had a long discussion ABF after about the issues discussed and what we can both do to facilitate recovery.
That type of meeting seems to be a better opportunity for addicts to understand the struggles of associated family members that reviewing posts, but I do think that any lines of communication are helpful to all.
I do appreciate others time in responding.
Owl1370 (continuing to look for wisdom).
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