jenpi813

I have no control over others behavior. I CAN focus on me and how I can better respond (not react) in difficult situations. Beginning to accept current situation ( I was fighting it). Accept does not mean condone. I am caring for 90 yr old mom with 60 yr old brother in house. He is lifelong opiate addict still living at home and probably will never leave. My mom enables him and offers him comfy place. I want to help mom. We all live in separate apartments in same small family home. While I have let go of trying to change my brother I was still trying to get mom to see she is enabling. She does not want to see. I cannot get her to see. So I am letting go of this. My frustration is disappearing and I am functioning better in a more relaxed state. It does not mean I won't feel frustration again or won't go back to old behaviors. But I am more aware and will keep coming back to behaviors that work for me and this difficult situation. Grateful for this space to vent.

jenpi813

Tonight brother nodding out over plate on table. Mother putting food on his plate. Brother 60 yrs old, mom 90 yrs. old. I popped in for a second to give mom the laundry I had done for her and saw this horrible sight. Normally I would get involved and say this can't go on. Mom would usually turn around and blame me for disrupting status quo. Instead I walked out and went to my apartment. I will intervene only if I see that my mother is unsafe. My brother is not violent. And should my brother look like he needs an ambulance I will call. But I will not ride in the ambulance with him. Doing what I can and letting go of what is futile. This is a very sad scenario but I am not responsible for my mother's life nor my brother's. They both chose their lives. All my life I carried the weight of feeling responsible for my mother, my brother, my other brother (who did get off drugs) and my father (a rage-aholic, now deceased). No more. New beginnings. Sad but also at peace. Could use a hug.

GardenMama

Hugs for you, Jenpi. I am sorry for your troubles, but you seem to have figured out some good boundaries. That's really all we can do. Do something nice for yourself whenever you do something kind for your mom...it will help. Take care!

JOIE12

sending a hug jenpi You seem to have a clear handle on this now. Have to walk thru the fire to find peace.

It is a constant battle to avoid being drawn back in but you will keep repeating in your head the moment you realize what is happening .... 'this isn't mine to fix' - 'not my circus, no my monkeys'

best to you, keep coming back here, we have all been thru this.

jenpi813

Can't thank you all enough for acknowledging and for hugs. It means a lot. I feel I am not alone. All good thoughts to wishes to all of you. Will keep coming back as this is giving me strength.

CarmenLove

Big hugs Jenpi.

Ilovemysonjj

Big hugs, it is lonely when you feel like you are powerless (which we are) and it sounds like the best thing for you and maybe even your Mom is to accept their right to live their lives. My son is my addict, in recovery now, and it a daily reminder to me to stay out of his way.

jenpi813

Today I went back to old behavior. Engaged mom and brother. Both were bugging me since I got home from work-for money and to do laundry for them. Mom is son's mouthpiece for money and for laundry. Straws that broke camel's back. I started crying and said I cannot take any more. Mom acted as if I was crazy. I called Life Net to speak to someone because I felt so alone. Will try alonon phone conference meeting tonight. Just need to reach out and not feel so alone. Also not beat myself up for lapsing. I have been reading that when you do new behavior it is a process and you do go back to old behaviors until new ones set in. In the midst of all this lots of good stuff happening in my life (work, new friends and interests, and the freedom and peace I feel when I let go of things I cannot change). Thanks for the ability to post.

jenpi813

Had to call Mobile Crisis Team for brother who has been in stupor the last several days. Once they came I stayed out of it. Was not even home. It worked out for best. Lesson learned. Stay out of things that do not involve you. Breath, stay calm, focus on taking care of me.

Anaya

Very positive and hopeful.

Sending more hugs and support your way. I know it is not easy. One day at a time.

jenpi813

I am not responsible for my adult brother who is a life long addict and does not get help. I am not responsible for my enabling mother who pampers her adult addict son. This scenario is horrible to watch. Learning to breath, focus on the moment and detach with love. Very difficult but I am beginning to do it. Trying to change getting extremely upset. This upset only hurt me. Detaching is an ongoing process and includes steps forward and back. Progress not perfection.

GardenMama

You got it! Keep the faith, Jenpi, you can do this. It is not easy, but the rewards you will reap by detaching with love and kindness will be many. Regardless of what happens, if you learn these things, you will lead a happier and more fulfilled personal life. I know this from experience. Take care of yourself today. Try to disengage and find something to do that makes you feel happy and relaxed. I am headed out to my garden for some putzing and weeding...

MyJoey

Aw Jen sending (((((hugs))))) that has to be draining when you see it all first hand. Your poor mother she's not going to change now. Only thing u can do is stay away as much as possible and work on yourself , I know easy to say. Try taking long walks clearing your head as much as you can. Addiction will eat you alive if you let it, sometimes even if you don't let it. Hope you find some peace in your life, you are dealing with a lot.

Vale

Jenpi,
We're sorry for what you are going through------but.......
You are never alone here. We all understand this particular brand of pain more than you can possibly know.

Please try to remember that.

Always.Aeternum.

Vale