Feeling so guilty
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
It's really hard to see someone you care about go down the road to ruin. That is for sure.
Since you are asking me, I am going to tell you straight. This has been going on too long, in my opinion it's time to let go. You cannot make him want recovery.
Tight hugsXXX
Since you are asking me, I am going to tell you straight. This has been going on too long, in my opinion it's time to let go. You cannot make him want recovery.
Tight hugsXXX
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR CAR.
as for his "i'm dying" thing....obviously he wasn't but he said whatever he needed to to get YOU to play along, feel SORRY for him, let him back in the house. he will go to ANY LENGTH to get what he wants, he will pull no stops, he'll tell you he just got shot in the head, or a train ran over his leg, or the cat ran away.
he is not in his right mind and has not been for a long time. he does not WANT to GET BETTER. he probably doesn't even want his job back...jobs can SO get in the way of getting loaded. there's really nothing to feel sorry FOR here....he systematically tore his life apart, but making bad choice after bad choice. this is where he drove the bus.
get him out of the house and keep him out. what he does about that is HIS problem, unless he becomes violent and tries to break in. then you call the cops.
as for his "i'm dying" thing....obviously he wasn't but he said whatever he needed to to get YOU to play along, feel SORRY for him, let him back in the house. he will go to ANY LENGTH to get what he wants, he will pull no stops, he'll tell you he just got shot in the head, or a train ran over his leg, or the cat ran away.
he is not in his right mind and has not been for a long time. he does not WANT to GET BETTER. he probably doesn't even want his job back...jobs can SO get in the way of getting loaded. there's really nothing to feel sorry FOR here....he systematically tore his life apart, but making bad choice after bad choice. this is where he drove the bus.
get him out of the house and keep him out. what he does about that is HIS problem, unless he becomes violent and tries to break in. then you call the cops.
As for the car, I am screwed anyway. When he came back from jail 2 years ago, I asked a question on this forum - should I get a loan on my name to get him a car. And every single soul on here yelled NO, NO, NO, NO. Do not do this. I felt so guilty and bad, oh, poor thing cannot go to his interviews and he NEEDS a car. Plus I was so tired of driving him around. So I signed a loan on this 23k car. ******** ME. This enabled him to drive far to Baltimore to get best dope possible. Then it was time to trade in my SUV where I drive my children. I could not get a loan and his credit was ok, so we got that car on both of our names. The car that he drives is all messed up, all tires messed up, not very drivable, apparently good enough to go get high though. Its on my name though and he is driving it, in his active addiction. He can kill someone and I will be responsible. I would have to deal with it. He wanted to actually take my new SUV, and I said no.
Not that this matters. Whatever God puts in my way now, I will have to deal with. I want this addict out of my life, my life is unmanageble because of him, it is crazy. If I have to pay for this, I will.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
couldn't be all the OTHER DRUGS he took eh?
And I am sitting in this pile of BS afraid to ask him, ummm, what are you doing? This is CODEPENDANCY - sitting in a pile of chit, trying to convince yourself it smells like roses.
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there are so many things that could happen because of the car issue , please think about taking it away. he will survive. He is not using it for the intended purpose unless you signed for it to help him secure more drugs
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Oh girl. I am sooooo in a similar boat to you.
AH CONSTANTLY would take my car "to the store", "to his dad's", "to....(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!) take the dog for a walk."
And lo & behold, he wouldn't return until god only knows when o'clock.
And when he did, it was every possible insane excuse under the sun.
He would take $$$ from my purse, then lash out at me saying, "I guess even though we're married, we're just not going to share anything" when I got angry at him for taking literally the only $20 I had for diapers. (Thank goodness I'm good at squirreling away little bits of savings that he can't get into...)
Big fat hugs. WIth every "stupid" decision, we each get one mistake closer to freeing ourselves with the painful, but important, truths of our addict's actions.
You can do this.
If you are the sole titleholder on this car, & the sole signer on the loan, you should be able to report "his" car as stolen property. It is legally yours. I personally have called my AH in to the troopers no fewer than 3 times because he took my car & his name is not on the title nor the registration. I have also called in HIS vehicle as stolen property because MY name IS on his title (HA. HAHA. Poor choices, AH.) & he had gone "missing" for over a week.
More often than not, in situations where drugs are involved, law enforcement is completely sympathetic to you & will tell you what your options & rights are.
Please give their administrative offices or non-emergency line a call ASAP.
AH CONSTANTLY would take my car "to the store", "to his dad's", "to....(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!) take the dog for a walk."
And lo & behold, he wouldn't return until god only knows when o'clock.
And when he did, it was every possible insane excuse under the sun.
He would take $$$ from my purse, then lash out at me saying, "I guess even though we're married, we're just not going to share anything" when I got angry at him for taking literally the only $20 I had for diapers. (Thank goodness I'm good at squirreling away little bits of savings that he can't get into...)
Big fat hugs. WIth every "stupid" decision, we each get one mistake closer to freeing ourselves with the painful, but important, truths of our addict's actions.
You can do this.
If you are the sole titleholder on this car, & the sole signer on the loan, you should be able to report "his" car as stolen property. It is legally yours. I personally have called my AH in to the troopers no fewer than 3 times because he took my car & his name is not on the title nor the registration. I have also called in HIS vehicle as stolen property because MY name IS on his title (HA. HAHA. Poor choices, AH.) & he had gone "missing" for over a week.
More often than not, in situations where drugs are involved, law enforcement is completely sympathetic to you & will tell you what your options & rights are.
Please give their administrative offices or non-emergency line a call ASAP.
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Originally Posted by mnh1982
Oh girl. I am sooooo in a similar boat to you.
AH CONSTANTLY would take my car "to the store", "to his dad's", "to....(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!) take the dog for a walk."
And lo & behold, he wouldn't return until god only knows when o'clock.
And when he did, it was every possible insane excuse under the sun.
He would take $$$ from my purse, then lash out at me saying, "I guess even though we're married, we're just not going to share anything" when I got angry at him for taking literally the only $20 I had for diapers. (Thank goodness I'm good at squirreling away little bits of savings that he can't get into...)
Big fat hugs. WIth every "stupid" decision, we each get one mistake closer to freeing ourselves with the painful, but important, truths of our addict's actions.
You can do this.
If you are the sole titleholder on this car, & the sole signer on the loan, you should be able to report "his" car as stolen property. It is legally yours. I personally have called my AH in to the troopers no fewer than 3 times because he took my car & his name is not on the title nor the registration. I have also called in HIS vehicle as stolen property because MY name IS on his title (HA. HAHA. Poor choices, AH.) & he had gone "missing" for over a week.
More often than not, in situations where drugs are involved, law enforcement is completely sympathetic to you & will tell you what your options & rights are.
Please give their administrative offices or non-emergency line a call ASAP.
AH CONSTANTLY would take my car "to the store", "to his dad's", "to....(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!) take the dog for a walk."
And lo & behold, he wouldn't return until god only knows when o'clock.
And when he did, it was every possible insane excuse under the sun.
He would take $$$ from my purse, then lash out at me saying, "I guess even though we're married, we're just not going to share anything" when I got angry at him for taking literally the only $20 I had for diapers. (Thank goodness I'm good at squirreling away little bits of savings that he can't get into...)
Big fat hugs. WIth every "stupid" decision, we each get one mistake closer to freeing ourselves with the painful, but important, truths of our addict's actions.
You can do this.
If you are the sole titleholder on this car, & the sole signer on the loan, you should be able to report "his" car as stolen property. It is legally yours. I personally have called my AH in to the troopers no fewer than 3 times because he took my car & his name is not on the title nor the registration. I have also called in HIS vehicle as stolen property because MY name IS on his title (HA. HAHA. Poor choices, AH.) & he had gone "missing" for over a week.
More often than not, in situations where drugs are involved, law enforcement is completely sympathetic to you & will tell you what your options & rights are.
Please give their administrative offices or non-emergency line a call ASAP.
Yes, addicts are irrational and its crazy the stuff they are coming up with. I have come down and its actually funny to me - he was going to to go to the mall shopping when he has not had a job since December. Shopping with what money?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I have had a car "stolen". Because he was my HUSBAND - it wasn't considered stolen.
The best thing you can do for yourself is stop guilt-ing yourself. He is an adult. He is in charge of HIS mental and physical being. Not you.
Stop the insanity and get space. A lot of space.
If he dies it's because he killed himself. Sadly - that's his choice. NOTHING you do will change the outcome.
You can support his recovery without him living with you and without you supporting him.
You can accept the fact that he's not going to change and love him anyway - or you can keep trying to get him to stop it.
I'm personally at the acceptance portion of my life.
Sending my love Glitter. It's your life. It's your story and you are the author. You get to change the "happy-ending". Sometimes the happy ending isn't what we originally thought.
XOXOXOXOXO
I totally understand what your going through. Been there.
Don't believe anything he says.
The best thing you can do for yourself is stop guilt-ing yourself. He is an adult. He is in charge of HIS mental and physical being. Not you.
Stop the insanity and get space. A lot of space.
If he dies it's because he killed himself. Sadly - that's his choice. NOTHING you do will change the outcome.
You can support his recovery without him living with you and without you supporting him.
You can accept the fact that he's not going to change and love him anyway - or you can keep trying to get him to stop it.
I'm personally at the acceptance portion of my life.
Sending my love Glitter. It's your life. It's your story and you are the author. You get to change the "happy-ending". Sometimes the happy ending isn't what we originally thought.
XOXOXOXOXO
I totally understand what your going through. Been there.
Don't believe anything he says.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hi Glitter, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing? I hope things are looking up.
Sending lots of hugs!
Sending lots of hugs!
I am so out of it, I don't even know what I am saying anymore. What I am saying is that he gave me this - its not you its me, I am doing THIS, you are nothing but a good wife, who is there for me, I just need to man up and do this program and blah, blah, blah. Give me another chance, its all me its not you. Then kids came and I didnt want to do this in front of them.
I don't know what to do. Should I just leave myself? Because I am thinking, I am thinking maybe find a place to rent and leave with kids? Make plans behind his back and leave? I am sitting here typing this and crying
I don't need pity or anything, I just dont know if there is a way out of this. Because he says he will leave but he doesn't. I don't make any illusions about his addiction and this marriage. I spent 5 years with him and I am still in the same boat - in his addiction. I feel embarassed to even write here.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi there...it's not embarrassing for you at all. There are loads of people here who've spent way more time than 5 years! I spent nearly 20. It's baffling, confusing, and incredibly difficult to find the right path. The beauty of this network is that we understand. Also, that we don't really know each other or live next door. 
I spent a long time thinking--we're a living Jerry Springer show! How did this become my life?!? How can I possibly admit this to anyone?
When I finally let the walls crumble, I was both amazed and humbled by how many people in my "normal life" have lived something similar in some fashion. People from all walks of life. There is no shame in being here. There's also no shame in staying for a while. The only thing to consider is the regrets you may have if your 5 years turn to 10 or 20. Many of us wish we'd done more sooner. You can't give children a second childhood.
Sending you many hugs today.
I spent a long time thinking--we're a living Jerry Springer show! How did this become my life?!? How can I possibly admit this to anyone?
When I finally let the walls crumble, I was both amazed and humbled by how many people in my "normal life" have lived something similar in some fashion. People from all walks of life. There is no shame in being here. There's also no shame in staying for a while. The only thing to consider is the regrets you may have if your 5 years turn to 10 or 20. Many of us wish we'd done more sooner. You can't give children a second childhood.
Sending you many hugs today.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I spent 5 years with him and I am still in the same boat - in his addiction. I feel embarassed to even write here.
imagine if you STILL had not reached out to any type of recovery community........you have been gaining knowledge, information that is crucial to the steps you take now and the changes you WILL, one day, make. you know this can't go on forever, or even very much longer.....
imagine if you STILL had not reached out to any type of recovery community........you have been gaining knowledge, information that is crucial to the steps you take now and the changes you WILL, one day, make. you know this can't go on forever, or even very much longer.....
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I know you don't want a confrontation in front of the kids, but better that than what they are already experiencing.
My 3 kids are 18-22. I was the alcoholic mother all their lives. Let's just say, I can see the repercussions on them and their lives. It's not a good thing to raise kids this way at all. Give your kids the best you can while you can!
And also, you need to be your own best friend right now and take care of your best friend!
My 3 kids are 18-22. I was the alcoholic mother all their lives. Let's just say, I can see the repercussions on them and their lives. It's not a good thing to raise kids this way at all. Give your kids the best you can while you can!
And also, you need to be your own best friend right now and take care of your best friend!
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I know I can't spend my life like this. I know. I am totally consumed by this insanity. I get maybe couple days here and there of 'quiet time' and that's it, back to insanity. He has been 'sick', poor thing got a cold. I am at work, we are going through layoffs, main boss got us all in the room today - get ready, its coming. I work in a field where in 99% of cases they will run my credit to see if I qualify for a job. Due to all of this crazy addiction stuff, well, I am broke and my credit is total chit. Not all his fault, but he is not helping either that's for sure. So I am scared to lose my job right now, house, cars, etc. I am stressed out. Come home, he is 'sick'. He has got a cold and he is very sick (one of my daughters is also sick). Of course, you know, I am automatically suspicious. And I do my crazy checking behaviour and find out that he has been writing to people he used to buy suboxone from since 8 am, its just they didn't answer yet. I ask for what. The answer is ...he wanted to ask them their experience with Vivitrol shot, because you see, when something is wrong, you don't call the doctor, you call junkies that sell drugs!!!
Then the name calling starts, the f off and f you, and f-g b***, etc. So I kick him out once again. Its quiet in the house. And this noise is in my head, IS THIS ME? AM I FREAKING CRAZY?
That's the insanity of addiction - you start thinking that you are completely insane and crazy. I am of course not planning on letting him in. I will be at work very busy for 2 days, my kids have keys to the house, which will be locked. Yes, he can get in, just to be kicked out again. I am hoping I will get balls to call cops somewhere there. I think he will know i mean business and get the f out of my life. Fingers crossed. Thank you all for listening. I am sure if I was reading this, I would think, man, what a stupid b*tch this woman is, she keeps complaining and crying about this addict, but when it comes to actually act, she chickens out and takes this abuse (because really it is ABUSE).
Then the name calling starts, the f off and f you, and f-g b***, etc. So I kick him out once again. Its quiet in the house. And this noise is in my head, IS THIS ME? AM I FREAKING CRAZY?
That's the insanity of addiction - you start thinking that you are completely insane and crazy. I am of course not planning on letting him in. I will be at work very busy for 2 days, my kids have keys to the house, which will be locked. Yes, he can get in, just to be kicked out again. I am hoping I will get balls to call cops somewhere there. I think he will know i mean business and get the f out of my life. Fingers crossed. Thank you all for listening. I am sure if I was reading this, I would think, man, what a stupid b*tch this woman is, she keeps complaining and crying about this addict, but when it comes to actually act, she chickens out and takes this abuse (because really it is ABUSE).
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Be kind to yourself glitter. That negative self talk is at least as harmful as his name calling.
I was "stupid" too, and "weak" and confused and terrified. Five years of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion living with active addiction and abuse takes a huge toll.
You're full of love and compassion (maybe try showing yourself a fraction of the caring you've given to your AH). You're hard working (this relationship is an enormous burden that you alone seem to be carrying). You're smart and resourceful (you found us, didn't you-lol).
Your recovery is in your time at your pace. No one else's timeline matters for you and your life. Keep posting- but no more getting down on yourself, it makes me sad to read you denigrating yourself. And it may not seem that way, but every little baby step you take is putting you on the path to something better. Sending tons of hugs and support your way.
I was "stupid" too, and "weak" and confused and terrified. Five years of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion living with active addiction and abuse takes a huge toll.
You're full of love and compassion (maybe try showing yourself a fraction of the caring you've given to your AH). You're hard working (this relationship is an enormous burden that you alone seem to be carrying). You're smart and resourceful (you found us, didn't you-lol).
Your recovery is in your time at your pace. No one else's timeline matters for you and your life. Keep posting- but no more getting down on yourself, it makes me sad to read you denigrating yourself. And it may not seem that way, but every little baby step you take is putting you on the path to something better. Sending tons of hugs and support your way.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Glitter, stop saying bad things about yourself! It's him, not you!
Call the police. Get the Aspire app on your phone, it's totally free and a wonderful resource that can help protect you. You have to get away from his insanity.
Much love and many hugs to you!
Call the police. Get the Aspire app on your phone, it's totally free and a wonderful resource that can help protect you. You have to get away from his insanity.
Much love and many hugs to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>>>> I am sure if I was reading this, I would think, man, what a stupid b*tch this woman is, she keeps complaining and crying about this addict, but when it comes to actually act, she chickens out and takes this abuse (because really it is ABUSE).>>>>>
With all due respect, I do not think this at all,
and I think I can speak for all of us. Wouldn't
it be great if I could get a do-over , rewind to
2009 and just bypass this addictive nightmare
and smugly look down on "stupid bitc$s"
like you!?
I would love to have that luxury-----
but the humility I have taken away from this
precludes immediately and with finality any
such clueless stupidity on my part.
And if you truly feel this about yourself, then,
(again with all due respect).....
you are wrong.
With all due respect, I do not think this at all,
and I think I can speak for all of us. Wouldn't
it be great if I could get a do-over , rewind to
2009 and just bypass this addictive nightmare
and smugly look down on "stupid bitc$s"
like you!?
I would love to have that luxury-----
but the humility I have taken away from this
precludes immediately and with finality any
such clueless stupidity on my part.
And if you truly feel this about yourself, then,
(again with all due respect).....
you are wrong.
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