selpats

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up about 3 months ago. We were living together, and split after the relationship became long distance after he entered recovery for meth and heroin. He broke up with me in a rather cruel way, and has now been sober for 6 months. Now we live in the same town again, and about 3 weeks ago, he initiated contact. After about a week of trying to get a hold of me, with little success, I agreed to meet up with him and hear his apology. We've been seeing each other, pretty much in secret, with the exception of a few people, since then. We have also been sleeping with each other. However, last night we agreed that we need to take it slow. We can't just jump right back into things as if nothing happened, so it makes sense to ease ourselves back into it. Although we've been having sex the past few weeks, I was thinking about telling him we should refrain from sex while we're taking it slow, until we know how serious the relationship is going to be. The problem with that is I've always been a hopeless romantic. I always fall hard and fast, and because there's already pre-existing feelings, I'm afraid I'm gonna fall too hard when we're supposed to be taking it slow, then end up with my heart broken...again. I want to take it one step at a time, and not jump back into something that may not be worth it. We agreed that we'd like to see where things go and potentially get back together, but both of our lives are so crazy, it doesn't make sense to get back together right now. I think holding off on sex until we've moved out of the "slow" phase might help me not fall for him so hard, but we have great sex, and I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to hold off. Does anyone have any helpful advice for how I might control myself and just go with the flow? He was the one who initiated contact, but now he wants to take it slow. I do as well, but my heart just isn't wired to control my feelings that way. I'm still struggling to understand his brain in recovery and understand how I can protect myself. HELP.

amandamarie

On the sex thing I used to try not shaving, but I have to admit I just ended up giving in and then being mortified that I had not shaved. lol But seriously every time you think things are going to fast try to think about why you broke up in the first place. If that doesn't work and you find yourself falling hard and fast again maybe you should talk on the phone, and communicate without seeing each other for awhile until you feel like you are ready for a serious relationship with him again. If he truly loves you he will wait, and respect your wishes.

zoso77

< banging head on kitchen table >

What exactly is "taking it slow"? That horse has already sprinted out of the barn at warp 9. You've already jumped back into things like nothing has ever happened. Remember a few weeks ago I shared the following:

selpats, I've done what you've done. My AXGF weaseled her way back in, and before I knew it, we're knocking boots like we were in the beginning. I didn't allow my brain to know what it knew, which was she was still a sick person. And the reason why I didn't allow my brain to know what it knew was because my feelings overrode my wise min, and banging the snot out of her was just too damn awesome. And that lapse in judgment cost me in ways that I can't share publically.

I am of the opinion that he's not doing what he should be doing, which is working on himself and not giving himself permission to do what he's doing with you. There is no foundation under your feet. Sex is the easy part. What happens when the s--t hits the fan and he needs to be an adult? What evidence is there he can do that? What evidence is there that he's not going to say nevermind when he can't be a grownup, and breaks your heart again?

You're going to do whatever it is you do. I get that. Been there, done that, paid the price, moved on. Don't be in denial about who and what you're dealing with.

CarmenLove

If I am honest, when I read this, I felt, well, a really, really bad feeling.

I want to give you all sorts of strong advice, however I know everyone is on the journey and has to figure it out for themselves.

However I will just say that for me, reading this = MASSIVE ALARM BELLS.

If this was me there is NO WAY I would be able to handle this.

It sounds like just putting yourself right back into the position to get a broken heart again.

He treated you cruelly right? And it's been 6 months... my understanding is they need a long time in recovery, just focused on them. And even then there are no guarantees and a strong chance of relapse.

Meth and heroin are two of the worst / hardest drugs to kick the way I hear it.

And for me as a woman, I know when I have sex I feel bonded (as women we release bonding hormones when we have sex).

I don't know. I just want to protect you.

Cus if it was me I would want to protect me!

You are an adult though. So I will just say please be careful. This is your life.

It doesn't sound like recovery (yours), it seems more like going back on your drug (him) ??

Anyway, that is how it looks to me, through my lens. whatever you decide be safe and take care of yourself.

Sending hugs.

mnh1982

One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was to believe that my husband was farther along in his recovery than he really was, and to continue to believe that if he could just stay clean, things would be at least "OK".
In all reality, the addict's issues usually go far, far deeper than that, and unless that person is willing to admit and then work on their OTHER "baggage", they will rarely if ever be ahead of the 8-ball.
My point being, Zo is right. Denying who and what you're dealing with here can only cause you more hurt and more confusion. For me, it's been far, far easier (albeit still the hardest thing ever) to stay away from my ExAH in all ways then it would ever have been to allow him to walk back into mine and my child's life, knowing I would likely have to give him the boot all over again.

selpats

Thank you all for your helpful advice. Honestly, I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. I love him so much, and if there's even a possibility for us to work everything out, I can't bear to just walk away and always be wondering "what if". Before he started using, him and I had a great relationship. By far, the easiest relationship I've ever had. It all felt so natural.
Now he's been stolen from me by these drugs, and I just want to steal him back. Logically, I know I should have just taken his apology and walked away. But there's always something in me that wants to see the good in people. I just don't know what to do. His drug use doesn't make him a bad person, but it does make him sick in ways I don't think either of us understand. I just don't think I could walk away without knowing for sure it won't work.
I just don't know how to keep myself safe in the process...or if that's even possible. Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing. I just don't want to lose him again.

selpats

I also spoke with him today about what exactly our boundaries were for "taking it slow", and he said basically he didn't want us to be spending an unhealthy amount of time with each other because he needs to keep busy to keep clean. For the time being, I'm taking that as his recovery is still more important than me, and that's exactly what I want. The only way we can work together is if recovery comes first. I hope this is a good sign.

chicory

Selpats,
I know you are gonna do what you want to do, but don't do it because you are afraid of 'losing him again'. You will lose him if he does drugs again, right? and you cannot control that. you are gonna be heartbroken already, most likely.

no such thing as taking it slow, while having sex together, in my opinion.

If you are afraid to say no, because you are afraid of losing him, then I would say that you should be very very careful. If he won't wait, then he's only in it for the sex.
just my momma two cents...

allmirages

Selpats - please be careful. Your heart is at stake. I know if my ex would have came back to me, I probably would have given in as you as I love him so much and want him to be well and wanted to have a life. But....please remember, he is still in recovery. Hugs to you. It is your decision, your life, but please be careful.

selpats

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and concern. It is true that it is my decision to make, but don't think that any of your words are falling on deaf ears. I will be careful. Having this new perspective I think has given me what I need. I guess all I can do from here is try to refrain from sex and frequent visits to truly assess his feelings. Will keep you guys posted.

CarmenLove

Hon if you choose to refrain from sex, don't 'try' to refrain, just don't have sex! :-)

That could be on boundary you could put in place for yourself.

Up to you.

Hugs.